Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is authored by Nagaru Tanigawa and the Anime is being made by Kyoto Animation. I do not own them, nor do I claim to. If I did, I wouldn't be doing this shit.

Author's Note: This is dedicated to the wonderful people who bitch about characterization.

"They make me sad, and angry that the world does not yet understand how much the Dog hates the Human." - Warren Ellis

I sat scratching my head, dumbfounded.

"Hey, Mana. Reviews of your movie are pouring in," I said, omitting any role I had in that fiasco.

She raised her eyebrow. "And?"

I stood up and motioned for her to sit on the computer chair to see for herself.

Oh, her face soured after each word indeed.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" she finally screamed.

I didn't even cringe. As horrible as the movie she made was, I had the same reaction.

"Not acting like they're supposed to? What do they mean? How were we SUPPOSED to act?!"

She sat there silent for a few moments and blurted out my name, and had me look up Wikipedia.

I didn't know what that would accomplish, since we don't have Wikipedia entries, but lo and behold, there they were.

I grumbled. Must have been an effect of Mana's powers.

I hate reality alterers.

I grumbled even more as I read on. I don't know what manner of parallel universe this entry is from, but I am decidedly NOT a spineless mother-obsessed wreck of a teenager. Asuka isn't a rampaging girl with mommy issues. Rei's...actually pretty much the same, but is my mother's clone, apparently. I'll throw up later when I get home and cry in the shower. Kaworu is as gay as always, surprisingly. And Mana's...decidedly not a pretty much normal girl.

And we don't ride on cloned angels to save the world.

Oh, I just caught a gleam in Mana's eye as she read the entries.

She had big ideas for a sequel, with proper characterization this time.

I'm tried very hard not to weep.


The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari


An unfamiliar ceiling.

Though day by day, it seems more welcome to me than the harsh realities I've been facing.

I am Shinji Ikari.

I am the pilot of Unit 01, for NERV. My Father runs the organization I work for. And I hate him.

I hate him for ruining my life.

I hate him for leaving me behind as if I were garbage.

I hate growing up.

I stood up and started toward the door. I could hear Misato drunkenly slurring something to Pen-Pen...or Asuka. Or maybe a plant.

No one ever visits us anyway except for Dr. Akagi, bringing a drunken Misato home from a night of drinking.

Always the same, always routine. I almost expect Asuka to burst out of her room and scream at me that she's going to use the bathroom.

I hear the slamming of her door. Just in time.

"Baka, I'm going to use the bathroom, and if you peek, I will murder you."

And she stalks off into the bathroom. She won't be back for awhile since she's most likely playing with shower attachments. So, to the task at hand.

"Misato-san, what do you want for breakfast?" I ask, knowing the answer would be a garbled mess, so I went about making our breakfast, and our lunches as well.

About 20 minutes later, Asuka came out of the bathroom quite refreshed and vivacious in her usual teal-and-white school uniform. You really wouldn't know it from looking at her, but she will probably tear your jugular off with her teeth if you looked at her wrong.

"Asuka, breakfast is ready," I informed her.

"I could smell it from the bathroom, Baka," she said unsurprisingly. "What kind of burnt abortion did you cook this time?"

Ouch.

"Well, there's scrambled eggs."

She took a bite and made a disagreeable face, which oddly looked cute but I would never, EVER voice my feelings for her or else she'd hurt me...which she does anyway, but I digress.

"S...sorry," I blurted out.

"Baka, stop apologizing! No girls like spineless wimps like you."

Double ouch.

"Ashkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa," mumbled out Misato, from her drunken haze. "Stop ha...har...harash...whatsh that word again, Shinji? Oh yeah, picking on the poor boy, Ashkaaaaaaaaaa. Once he growsh pubes, he'll be a reeeeeal man."

Triple ouch.

Later that day, I went over and talked to Rei. She's always been a quiet girl. Sometimes it feels useless talking to her, but when she responds, she's very cute. She's also a fellow Eva pilot...and she reminds me of someone...but I don't remember who.

"Why do you insist on talking to me, Pilot Ikari? I am not good at social situations," she said.

"Well," I continued, "maybe you just need to talk more, open up more, socially, then maybe more people would approach and talk to you, you know? I get worried about you sometimes."

"Which means he wants to get in your pants," said Asuka, butting in on our conversation. "I don't know why you bother with Wondergirl, she's not gonna socialize."

"I've got hope."

"We are all going to die anyway," said Rei, "whether of natural causes or during a fight with an Angel. We cannot change this, so socializing, for me, is out of the question."

And with that ringing endorsement of living life to its fullest, the bell rang and we went back to class.

I gazed out at the window and wondered when the next Angel was going to attack. There have been no attacks for awhile now, and the world's been reduced to a haze of melancholy and routine.

It was pretty much the same the next day...until our homeroom teacher informed us that there was a new exchange student.

She walked in.

Her name was Mana Kirishima, he said.

Our homeroom teached droned on about how she's transferred because her father's job required him to be closer to Tokyo-3...but his words were forgotten quickly when she opened her mouth and introduced herself.

There was nothing unremarkable about it at all, but her voice was just...wow.

She was probably the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I mean, yeah...Asuka's mixed ethnicity brought out the best of both worlds as it were, and Rei's got her own charms, but...there's just something about Mana.

Asuka was the relentless Spitfire in my life. Rei's cool, calculating, and smart. How my life revolves around those two (and Misato-san, but...I'd never think of her THAT way), I don't know.

But Mana...is somewhere in between those two extremes in personality. And I liked that medium.

After a couple of weeks, everyone got to know her better. I don't know if it's my early crush on her, but I notice her glancing at me, and when she sees me looking back, she looks away as if she merely turned her head.

But every once in awhile, she hesitates a little, and I see a little blush. Or maybe that's my imagination. I don't know.

"Ask her out, doofus," said Touji after I confined him about it during lunch a little later.

"Do it or I will," exclaimed Kensuke.

Touji cracked up.

Kensuke blushed rather noticeably.

"What are you gonna show her?" asked Touji. "Your collection of model battleships?"

"Hey! Those happen to be the product of hours upon hours of hard work! How DARE you belittle my creations!"

How these two became my best friends, I'll never know.

"If you ask me, none of the three of you have the guts to ask Mana out and you know it," butted in Asuka, as always.

"Yeah, but no one asked you, did they?" retorted Touji.

"Yeah!" said Kensuke, rather automatically.

Asuka humphed that cute little humph when she gets mad. "I'm the most popular girl in school, of course my opinion matters. Mana may be stealing my thunder right now, but that'll pass. Just you watch, stooges, you three will be lusting for me again in no time..."

She looked at her fingers, as if checking for dirt. "As if I'd go out with any of you anyway."

And she stormed off, dragging Hikari off to lunch, probably exaggerating our little conversation, probably adding something about our testcles.

"How the hell do you manage to live with that bitch-goddess, Ikari?" asked Touji, after a few moments of silence.

I merely shrugged my own confusion on the issue.

A few more weeks passed.

I gathered up my courage and repeated my mantra ("I musn't run away") as I waked across the room to a lonely Mana, sitting on her desk and staring out the window, as if thinking about some other time, place or dimension.

Both of us started blushing as soon as our eyes met.

"Erm...hi," I said.

"Hi," she replied.

"Would you go out with me on Friday?" we both blurted out.

...a little too loud. We said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.

The whooping that surrounded us made both of us redder than Asuka's hair...no...musn't think of other girls when one's right in front of you.

She must have seen the weird look on my face I had every time Asuka crossed my mind (good or bad, I can't explain it either), and giggled a bit.

"Meet me after school on Friday. Show me around town," she said. And she smiled.

I could get used to her smile.

The days passed by rather fast, and it was Friday. I met Mana at the gate, and we went downtown and showed her my usual spots...the few there are that were left after the angel attacks, sadly.

We opted for a nice, quiet café and talked about nothing in particular, but hey, at least we're learning more about each other.

The days flew by faster as Mana and I drew closer and closer together.

I could tell Asuka was jealous, though she'd never, ever admit it. I don't even know why. All she did was hit me and belittle me. But I know there's a softer side to her, one she doesn't reveal.

One I painfully learned one night when my hormones almost caused me to kiss her.

One word stopped me.

"Mama."

I knew then that Asuka knew my own pain.

But I've gone on a tangent. Here I was, awkward with my girlfriend (but was she really? Who knows), on a park bench. I didn't know which of us was going to make the first move.

Our eyes met.

Our faces drew closer.

Ever tantalizingly closer...

"CUT!"

My eardrums exploded in that moment.

"That's enough filming for today," said a flustered Mana.

"What?!" I sputtered. "But..."

"You have to keep the audience tantalized," she rationalized. "And it's too beautiful of a day to spoil it by a kissing scene."

She turned away from me as Kaworu shut the camera off.

I could have sworn I saw a hint of a blush on her face before she turned.

I went home and had my usual routine of listening to my SDAT stuck on tracks 25 and 26.

Rewinding sucks.

I hope one day they invent a music player that isn't cassette based.

One day...

The next day, there was no mention of filming.

Had the entire thing been too real? We all played our parts to the letter, after all. Asuka was apologizing to everyone about her behavior...although Rei acted normally, which was rather weird.

Kaworu was uncharacteristically annoyed at being behind the camera. Mana explained that he wasn't needed in the story yet, and was even more annoyed at the footage not being used after all.

I suspect he was more upset about his footage not being used than being in the movie.

I also really, really hate reality alterers. And I can't tell her about it either. Even though he manipulated the emotions of everyone around her, even for just a few...weeks. Granted.

Still. It was the principle of the thing.

Stupid conflicting emotions.

The next day, I talked to my best friends, Touji and Kensuke. Perhaps they would shed some light on my current predicament, I thought.

Looking back at it now, I wish I'd just jumped off my roof instead.

No, instead I'm listening to two guys who have not known the touch of a woman tell me all about the female of the species.

"They love it when you ignore them," said Touji, brilliantly flashing his smile at a passing girl, who promptly gave him the finger. She wants me, he mouths. She wants you to bury yourself headfirst is what she wants, you horrid little troll you.

"They also love it when you lavish attention on them," exclaimed Kensuke. Poor Kensuke. He will never know the pleasure of female contact.

Their conflicting statements drew a "Httghrgh" from me, which was the only thing that came to mind listening to their maddeningly conflicting advice.

I have not spoken to these two for months, and yet I ask them for advice. Either I'm very stupid, or very trusting of their opinion. I think it's the former. Then found that thought sad, and simply tried not to weep in front of these imbeciles.

The solace of our English teacher trying to convince us that "whippu" and "reathel" were actual English words filled me with joy. At least he had the excuse of being old and feeble while my best friends are the same age as I am. Which makes me fear for my own brain and what corrosive effects NERV is having on it.

Pray for my brain.

But at least those two make me feel smarter, God bless them.

The day went by without further incident. Had dinner with the family, and went to bed as per usual.

Looking back now, I shouldn't have ignored that urge to not sleep.

I woke up with something wet sitting on my forehead.

I jolted upward, hurling every swearword I could think of, and probably invented six or seven, thinking that Touji and Kensuke had snuck into my bedroom and teabagged me.

Reaching up, it was only a wet handkerchief. Mana was glaring at me.

I looked around, and found the NERV clubroom instead of my bedroom.

I thought I was dreaming again, but I remembered how vivid the wet handkerchief was. And the smell of the tea brewing in the corner.

I am awake and I'm in the clubroom for some reason.

"I thought you were feverish so I put that on your forehead," said Mana. She was either blushing or drunk. At this point, I don't know which of the two options was better.

"Why are we here? It's gotta be...3 or 4 AM," I grumbled as I looked out the window.

"We're the only two people here," she said.

Great. Just great.

"Well, we should get home. Our parents must be worried about us."

"Can't. Tried. Force Field."

"F...force field?" I don't recall if there was a sob on that one. "And you tried to leave without me?"

Yes, Anger! That'll get us out of this.

"I was trying to get you help, you idiot," she grumbled. "You were moaning in your sleep. It sounded like either you were dying of some horrible disease or getting a blowjob from an exceptionally good hooker."

I won't even ask how she knew the sound of getting a blowjob from an exceptionally good hooker.

She stood up and said she was going to look for more food. Apparently the cafeteria still had a lot of edible stock.

As she left, I heard a knock on the window. Finally, I thought. Other people!

I opened the window and realized that there would be no one outside the window. There was no ledge, for one, and we were on the second floor, so unless someone flew there.

Then a ball of light flew in front of my face. I recoiled as the features of that ball of light became increasingly clear. It was a Fairy. With Kaworu's face. Wearing a fairy outfit.

At that moment, I wanted to squeeze the life out of him and pop his head off. He was the last person I wanted to see now.

"Before you squeeze the life out of me," Kaworu began, perhaps sensing my intense hatred and general stabby mood, "I have something to tell you about your current predicament."

I loosened my deathgrip on his body and that goddamn fairy dress of his and listened.

"What the hell is happening? Is this some sort of manifestation of her powers again? Wasn't playing with our emotions to satisfy those idiots who didn't find our little misadventures on film enough?"

"Of course." said Kaworu. "We, that is myself, Rei and Asuka, suspect that your reaction to her most recent manipulation changed her mind. I don't believe Mana liked toying with us any more than we did, but she bore no malice. I believe she just wanted all of us to get along in a fictional little world she subconsciously came upon, but she probably realized that it was more acceptable to be doing it on our terms, that is, of our own volition. As for your current situation, I suspect that it is because she feels safer being with you than anyone else. As Rei has stated, she chose you and you alone out of six billion people to be alone with. You should be proud."

He wouldn't stop talking. It was horrible. So I moved to strangle him again when he held his hand up.

"Before you move to strangle me again, please remember...you're alone here. Right now, my powers only allow me this small form, and I'm taxing myself just delivering this message. Rei only has this to say: 'Do to her what you would never do in this world'. You must solve this riddle on your own."

Then he faded away.

That bastard.

To this day, I wish I looked for Ms. Katsuragi's legendary in-school beer stash so I could have drunk myself blind and forget that dress on Kaworu. I still have nightmares.

After a few hours of waiting for Mana to come back (and unsuccessfully looking for Ms. Katsuragi's Beer Stash), I wandered out into the schoolyard where I saw Mana's small form...standing in front of Twelve gigantic figures that looked similar to the black masked giant that attacked the city.

"Mana!" I yelled. "Get away from them!"

She didn't move. She just stared at them.

"Shinji! THIS is what I wanted! Just look at these aliens!"

The aliens looked down on us.

Dear God. I'm going to die and this girl will be the cause.

Then...clarity.

'Do to her what you would never do in this world', said Rei.

So I did. In front of giant trampling alien-things, I grabbed her shoulders and I kissed Mana.

And that's when reality shat itself.

Epilogue

So, anyway, what happened after that huge reality warp thing? You'd suspect a happy ending for everyone, don't you? Ah, but that only happens in feel-good movies. Everything went back to normal. Well...relatively normal.

Misato Katsuragi eventually married her childhood sweetheart Kaji, only to divorce him after learning he'd been sleeping with Ritsuko Akagi, their other friend and marriage counselor. Misato now lives alone, teaching children, and warning them against dyed-blond sluts.

My parents went missing for a couple of years in Africa. I lived with Misato and Asuka during that time, Misato fearing that I wouldn't live without females around me. My parents finally returned, surviving a horrible safari tour gone wrong by eating zebras my father killed with his bare hands. They eventually found their way into Egypt where they were rescued and transported back here to Japan. Unfortunately the experience brought out white hairs in my mother, and she looked like Rei with the semi-blue grey hair. She still has nightmares about my seventeen straight minutes of screaming.

Kensuke went on to a successful career as a director. He mostly does documentaries, and recently won an American award for his documentary on Global Cooling, 'An Irritating Fact'. I believe it is called a 'Razzie' or something similar. He sleeps with it every night and fondles it as if it were his own child.

Touji, believe it or not, finally found a woman to tame him, and that is Asuka's friend Hikari. Touji would never tell me how she did it, but there was something in his eyes that told me that I shouldn't dig any further or I would weep for him.

Rei went into the software business, building NERVsoft and becoming the youngest multi-billionaire in the world. I'd love to call shenanigans on the legitimacy of her rise to power, but every time I get the urge to, she sends me a royalty check for the name and I just shut up, cash it immediately and lie down naked on the large amounts of money.

Kaworu has become a very successful interior decorator. Shocking, isn't it. He became so powerful that he and American interior decorator Christopher Lowell fought to the death. He still has Lowell's stuffed corpse in his living room. He always tries to decorate my home but I always give him the wrong address.

Asuka is...well.

As for Mana? Well, she is now a successful Space Pirate. I wish I was joking, but she did go into business with Rei, and she used her part of her fortune to build a Pirate Ship that can go into space. Every time I see the shadow of that ship fly across the moon, I wish I had some sort of illegal weapon I could shoot at it, but I just break down in tears.

I'm...writing this. And I married Asuka. And if you think I'm telling you about having sex with her, you're insane.