Chapter 7
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A/N: Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the various feedbackwish can't quite explain how meaningful it all is for me, so I hope that those who read this story will understand the import.
"I kissed the reporter and then almost had sex with my wife."
"Excuse me?" Cristina's voice piqued questioningly at Callie as they walked their way toward the cafeteria. "I think I am going to need some coffee for this conversation."
Callie twisted a napkin around in her hands, tearing it apart in little bits by its edges as she sat across from Cristina at a table in the corner of the cafeteria. She could still feel the remnants of tension from the previous night coming off of her body. She had been coiled like a spring when she ran out of Arizona's apartment; her mind and body racing with anger, pain and the leftover arousal from Arizona's touch. In the dark of her own apartment, she paced the floor wildly, the anger brimming over in her into a silent fury. She felt betrayed; by her body, her mind, and, of course, Arizona. Touching her wife again had released those warring emotions inside of her that she had worked so hard in the last weeks to suppress. She had spent the last year craving Arizona in just the way Arizona had come to her that night; passionate, open and present to her. Even in the few times they had made love before the fallout, Arizona had been reserved. Callie had chalked it up to the awkwardness of finding their way back to one another after so long of being physically distant. But, when Arizona began to caress the length of her body, Callie felt that exquisite connection that had been ever present between them since before their lives were altered by the crash. She had felt like she was coming home. Until, she thought of her wife with Lauren Boswell. And, then the illusion shattered like glass in her mind's eye; the shards cutting her until she ran from her wife's bed in to the safety of the night.
"What am I doing? I mean, I am a mother, for God's sake. Shouldn't I be over this kind of behavior by now?"
"Yes." Cristina replied, earning a pointed look from Callie. "What? You do realize who you are talking to right? There are plenty of others girl-talkers in this place who will sugar coat it for you, but since you came to me, you clearly want something else. So, what happened?"
"Arizona saw me kissing Michael at Joe's. She looked at me with these hurt eyes and I just kind of freaked out. I went after her to her apartment and told her off and then…one thing led to another, I guess. I stopped it…I thought of her and that woman and I just needed to leave."
"Well, that's a bit of a mess." Cristina said in a dry tone. "Have you spoken to either of them yet?"
"No. I feel like a bit of shit to Michael. She's amazing, and I enjoy hanging out with her, but I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I don't want to necessarily stop talking to her either."
"Just be honest with her, Callie. She knows it's been a hell of a year for you. She seems cool enough to understand. What about Arizona?"
"I don't know," Callie sighed. "It was a mistake getting physical with her. But, I feel so confused. She's Arizona…my wife…the woman I thought I would be sitting next to, eating Jell-O and playing cards with in an old folk's home fifty years from now. And, instead, I end up in an on-call room listening to her yell at me about how much she resents me for trying to save her life right after she banged a blonde toothpick under my nose." Callie put her hands to her eyes in an effort to squash the inevitable tears that came to the surface. "I just don't know how it all got so messed up."
Cristina's voice softened at the evident turmoil on Callie's face. "Look, I know I have been hard on Arizona, and I think what she did was horrible and I kind of want to hang her up by her roller-skates, but I have been on both sides of the trauma and PTSD equation and it's beyond tough, Callie. It can change you in ways you never would have imagined. I'm not saying that's an excuse for what she did, but," Cristina's voice caught ever so slightly, "it was…it was a nightmare Callie. All of us are still trying to deal with it in our own ways, but Arizona is the only one of us who carries around an actual physical reminder of it every day. You have every right to be mad at her. You have every right to not want to be with her. But, in order to move forward in any way, at some point, you guys are going to have to really talk and listen to one another…and, you know…preferably not when you're naked and with your tongues down each other's throats."
Callie let out a muffled laugh. "Noted. Thanks, Cristina." Callie looked intently at Cristina, her face going soft with compassion, "I'm so sorry for what you all had to go through, Cristina."
"Yeah, well…" Cristina's voice drifted off into the ether and she put her down with a little shake. She looked up at Callie with eyes that looked suddenly glassy with emotion. "I know what you're going through Callie, and it sucks. It sucks big time. Give yourself some time and, whatever decision you eventually make, you have to own that decision."
"Is that what you did with Owen?"
"Pretty much. We talked and talked and talked….I never talked so much in my damn life. But I made my decision and I worked to own it."
"Did you think about it…you know…when you were with him?
Cristina looked away for a minute and Callie saw the almost imperceptible look of sadness cross Cristina's face before she turned back to her, "Sometimes, yes."
"What did you do?"
"I'd be honest and tell Owen. Or, if it was too much in a moment, I'd just go and do something just for me." Cristina looked pointedly at Callie. "You have to make the choice for yourself, Callie."
Callie nodded. "Do you miss Owen?" She asked with trepidation in her voice.
"Yes. But, I am owning this choice now." Cristina answered with a resigned smile
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"I screwed up."
Arizona was sitting in Dr. Fiske's office; her soothingly decorated, beige and earth-tones mixed office.
I don't want to live in an Easter basket.
And I don't want to live in a bat cave.
Arizona shook the memory from her mind and tried to concentrate on what she was saying.
"I saw Callie with another woman and I got upset." Arizona gave a sarcastic laugh. "Isn't that rich? Me, the cheater, angry at my wife for kissing another woman."
"Your infidelity doesn't take away from your feeling, Arizona," replied Dr. Fiske. "It's valid to feel upset seeing your wife with someone else. What happened after that?"
"She followed me home and we had a fight. We said…a lot of things," Arizona sighed. "And then I seduced her into my bed…I think. She ran away before we finished, or started, really."
"Why do you say you seduced her?" Dr. Fiske asked.
"Because I asked her to come to my room…my bed. At the time I didn't think I wanted sex. I thought I just wanted to be close to her somehow. But, I was the one who initiated everything…the touching, the kissing." Arizona felt her cheeks get hot with the memory, as well as, a little embarrassment. "I started the sex."
"Why do you think you went to sex, if you say that wasn't what you wanted?"
"I wanted…to…feel; to not be numb anymore"
"And you feel something during sex? You don't feel numb?"
"Sometimes." Arizona took a long breath. "I remember wanting that feeling the first time…with Lauren. I just wanted to not be numb anymore. But, it didn't help. I still felt numb. With Callie...before the crash, I was never numb. I felt everything. All of the time. But, after…." Arizona's voice trailed off for a moment. "Last night we said all of these things. And, I felt something for the first time in so long. I just wanted more…I didn't want it to end."
"What was said between you and Callie before you ended up in bed?"
"I told her about the crash…waking up after surgery...a bit about my brother and how it all reminded me of that time. I asked her to tell me about having to cut my leg…about having to make the call."
"How did that make you feel to hear Callie's point of view?"
"Sad. I wanted…I wanted to comfort her." Arizona put her head down and swallowed hard to keep the imminent tears at bay. "I never saw her. I had been so caught up in my own darkness that I couldn't see the price that breaking her promise to me could do to her." She pressed her fingers to her temples as. "I don't know why Callie and I left it so long….why we never talked."
"Why do you think you never talked?"
"I don't know. Isn't that what I am here for?" Arizona's head popped up, her frustration evident in the pinched expression she shot the doctor.
"Tell me about your brother." Dr. Fiske stated in stated in an even tone, trying to overlook the edge seeping in to Arizona's voice.
"What?" Arizona asked sharply. "He died in the war. It was awhile ago. I was in my residency."
"What happened after he died?"
"Nothing." Arizona stared blankly. "My father is a career marine. I am soldier's daughter. We don't…" Arizona's mouth went dry as she searched for the right word. "...dwell."
"What would you say to your brother right now, if you could?"
Arizona shook her head, biting her bottom lip hard. The knot that had begun in her stomach had reached her throat. She wasn't sure she could even get her voice out. "I would tell him…I love you; I miss you; I think about you every day."
"And Callie?" Dr. Fiske, asked, "What would you say to Callie right now, if you could?"
Arizona closed her eyes. Her body started to shake almost imperceptibly as she lost the battle with her tears. Her voice came out in a near whisper "I would tell her…I love you; I miss you; I think about you every day."
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Callie sat in her office thinking about her conversation with Cristina. Her nerves were less on edge, but she still hadn't managed to rid her body and mind of the feeling of Arizona; of the images of her tear-stained face as she described the aftermath of the crash, her near naked body laying prostrate in her bed, or her eyes, bright with passion as she leaned herself into Callie to capture her lips in a kiss. Arizona had always been under her skin, from the moment of their first kiss, but now she had to find a way to clear her head and order her feelings. Time. Such a simple a simple concept. Can it heal all wounds? Callie wondered. What about the wounds that you can't see, can't feel, but are so deep that they bleed you from within? Time.
Callie moved to pick up her phone to call Michael when she heard a light knocking at the door.
"Come in." She called out.
The door opened and Arizona's head peaked through hesitantly. Callie felt a small knot forming in her stomach but she fought to betray none of her feeling. For a moment, both women stared at one another, casting equally imperturbable looks. Arizona finally walked a few steps into Callie's office.
"I brought you something." She struggled to keep her tone lighter than she felt as she held up a white paper bag.
"Donut's?" Callie asked with a smirk and a raised eyebrow.
"No. Donut's are "get well" baked goods. I brought chocolates croissants. Chocolate croissants are "I'm sorry" baked goods."
Callie gave out a small laugh despite her tensions, and motioned Arizona to sit down.
Arizona sat opposite Callie. She felt shy and awkward in Callie's office. She had spent countless hours there in the past; sharing lunch with Callie, asking her advice on a specific case, playing on the floor with Sofia while waiting for Callie to finish a shift. Her mind flashed to an image of them in the office from a little over a year ago. Arizona had come to Callie, heavy and worn from the loss of a patient, a young boy of 8 with bright eyes and a beautiful smile and a heart so damaged that even her magic couldn't help him. Arizona had perfected her coping skills for losing patients, especially entering into Peds, where loss of a patient meant the loss of a child. But, every once and awhile, a case snuck up on her. She'd grow attached, knowing that it would end in heartbreak, but unable to stem the tide of feelings. In this particular case, Arizona had lost herself. She had made it to Callie's office, just in time for her tears to start. Callie wrapped her in her arms, whispering words of love and encouragement. But, Arizona needed more. She sought Callie's lips with her own while she worked her hands underneath Callie's scrub top, seeking the unique warmth of Callie's skin. When Callie had moved to pull away for a moment, Arizona dug her nails into Callie's skin, pulling her back. Please, Calliope. Please. Arizona looked at Callie, her eyes raging with a palpable need; she wanted to be taken; she wanted to be used; she wanted to be obliterated. So Callie had flipped her around and pushed her against the desk so that her arms were splayed out across it in front her. She pulled Arizona's scrub pants down and took her from behind as Arizona twisted her upper body, grabbing at Callie's hair to pull her in for a searing kiss.
Arizona took a deep breath, trying to stem the heat the sudden memory had caused her. "I wanted to apologize. I shouldn't have let things get as far as they did. That wasn't my intention when I asked you to join me, Callie. I just wanted…to be close for a minute."
"Arizona, I wasn't exactly running for the hills…at first. "Callie sighed. "I'm sorry I came raging at you, as well. It wasn't my finest moment."
They were both silent for a few moments.
"I know I have no right to ask anything of you…but, would you come to my next therapy session with me? I just want to talk and I think it would be useful to have a third party present."
Callie hesitated for a moment. She felt conflicted and scared, but knew that they needed to get to a place where being near one another wasn't defined by unbreakable tension, anger, or pain. "I think that might be a good idea."
Arizona smiled, "Thank you, Callie. I…I should go. I have an appy to prep for." Arizona stood up quickly and headed to the door, turning back to Callie just before she exited. "I know that you are partly gone, Callie, but I just wanted to thank you for not running away completely just yet."
Callie watched as her wife walked out of her office.
Time. She couldn't stop it. She couldn't bring it back. So, she would continue forward.
