UNDYING PIE 2
Ah, yes, my plan is working perfectly... Soon this world will be mi-i-- AHEM!!
Welcome back, readers. Hope you enjoy this lucky seventh, or sleventh, if you saw that one movie, chapter.
I still don't own FF, unfortunately. But if I did, it's games would be like my stories. Yes, in fact, this would be FF7. So, make sure Square don't sell it to me, okay? Or this might just be the PS3 remake!
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CHAPTER SEVEN - THE MANY WONDERS OF WALMART AND CANDY MOUNTAIN!
Yes, indeed that's where Cloud and Aeris were heading. WalMart. WalMart Junon, to be precise! They were on Cloud's amazing bike! That holds swords! WHOO! That is one cool bike! And if Cloud looks good on it, how good would ZIDANE look on it!? ...No? Nothing? Just you staring at me weirdly? Okay... I'll just go on with the story now, okies?
So, they were speeding along on the bike across the weird wastelands outside of Midgar, and singing a happy, happy tune! It was DDR's CANDY! YAY!
No, actually, that's quite a weird song, and it's in Japanese, so, instead, to make it easier for me, they were singing Livin' On A Prayer.
"WHHHHHHOOOOOOOA - I'M HALFWAY THERE! OH-OH! LIVIN' ON A PRAYER! TAKE MY HAND, AND WE'LL MAKE IT I SWEAR! OH-OH! LIVIN' ON A PRAYER!!!"
But, meanwhile, MEANWHILE, something very much more interesting was happening in another scene!
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"Kadaj, did you find anything about the Rainbow Saucer?" Tifa asked, when everyone had rendezvoused back at the 7th Heaven after a long, hard, and perhaps painful search for information of the Rainbow Saucer.
"No, but I did find this map to Candy Mountain!" Kadaj said brightly.
"Oh, déja-vu..." Sephiroth said, blinking.
"No, Seph! RENDEZ-VOUS!" Loz corrected him stupidly.
Sephiroth just stared at him.
"You know, Loz, I don't think you're cool enough to be in this scene."
And then he pushed him out of the saloon-style doors.
"Umm, so, we can't use the map to Candy Mountain?" Asked Kadaj, flaunting the map. No, really!
"Sounds like somewhere a Rainbow Saucer would be." Zack said, jumping up from a bar stool he was sat on. "To the Zack Cave!"
And then there was one of those random 60's-style Batman scene transitions, except with the outline of Zack's head and the Buster Sword instead of a bat. However, the scene didn't change. No. In fact, it just went back to the group, still in the 7th Heaven, doing exactly what they were before. Why? Because I say when the scene changes, buddy-boy, and it sure ain't changin' til I feel like it needs changin'!
"Ummm... Okay, we'll stay here then." Zack muttered, slumping back onto the bar stool.
"Do you really have a cave?" Kadaj asked. I mean, he still really wanted to know who the hell Zack was!
"No." He replied. "Well, I asked Lucrecia if I could rent her's for a little while, but I really don't think she was willing to let me..."
"Who's Lucrecia?" Sephiroth asked.
Vincent shifted uneasily, and everyone looked at him. He was about to break it to Sephiroth, when WHO burst in but... REEVE!
"Hey, guys!" Reeve said, avoiding Loz successfully. "Another terrorised hour in Midgar, huh?"
Everyone then turned their attention to him.
"Ooooooh... Sorry!! Was I interrupting something!?"
"I'm sure it wasn't relevant." Sephiroth said, and once again I can feel proud with the use of dramatic irony! WOOHOO!
"Well, okay then!" Reeve grinned perkily. "So, I found this map to the Rainbow Saucer! Did you know it's actually at a mountain of candy!? Candy Mountain!!"
Everyone glanced at each other.
"Ummm... Yeah, we sorta have a copy of that map already..." Kadaj said nervously, yet still flaunting that crazy piece of paper!
"Ooohh..." Murmured Reeve, disappointed. "W-Well... Umm... O-Okay, I'll just leave you guys... Alone now..."
Then, as Nobuo began a sad violin solo of 'All By Myself', Reeve staggered out of the doorway slowly, looking over his shoulder every so often at the others. As he approached the end of his long, sad walk of shaaaaame, it began to rain outside, and thunder and lightning soon followed. So, Reeve walked slowly and sadly into the storm (which wasn't Undying, by the way). If you're wondering about Loz, don't worry, he had an umbrella with him, just to make Reeve look more pathetic.
Reeve turned at the saloon doors, and looked over the top at the group. They all shifted uneasily again, and from time to time glanced at him to see if he had gone. After five minutes of uncomfortable silence and tension, Reeve walked slowly and sadly away from the doorway. But then, THEN, he reappeared at the window, the rain on the glass dripping down a stream to make it look like a tear. Everyone continued to shift and glance, except for Yazoo, who was now quite annoyed. He shut the blind on the window, so all there was to be seen was a shadowy outline of Reeve's head. After a few minutes of everyone watching the outline, there was a depressed sigh, and footsteps, as Reeve walked away.
Everyone felt quite sorry for Reeve. Except Yazoo, and probably Sephiroth... Maybe Zack, too... And Cid, and surely Barret... And Tifa, and yeah, of course, Vincent! In that effect, Loz! So, alright, no one felt sorry for him! Except Kadaj... No, Kadaj wasn't bothered either!
Then, the rain stopped, and the sky cleared, and it was all... Brightish again... Well, obviously not, because of the awful fan-made terrorisation going on, but at least the storm had stopped, and Nobuo had gone too.
"Okay, now what!?" Asked Yazoo, since he was getting kind of impatient.
"We have to get to the Rainbow Saucer!" Tifa replied. "C'mon, guys! Let's move!"
Sephiroth shook his head.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
"I won't leave the city without Aeris." He said. "I can't - Knowing she's with Cloud!"
"...For a bad good guy, that's almost the spirit!" Cid said, but everyone was confused at his quote, since... It didn't really make much sense!
"Well, anyway..." Sephiroth said after a while. "I'm not going anywhere outside the city until Aeris is back safely."
"C'mon, Seph!!" Everyone pleaded.
"NO! There's no way you're getting me out of this city!!"
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"... ... ...I can't believe you got me out of the city!!"
Sephiroth looked over his shoulder at the fading outline of Midgar.
"According to this map, the Rainbow Saucer should beeeee..." Kadaj said, then having to do 'Never Eat Shredded Wheat' and pointing in a random direction. "That way!!!"
So, everyone just went in that direction. Why were they really trusting Kadaj in the first place? Welll... Dunno. But at least they were going SOMEWHERE instead of just sitting around like the FFX gang would do! I'm looking at YOU, Yuna!!!
Suddenly, there was a slight rumble in the ground, and a drill popped up infront of them from under the ground! Then, it went back down, and more began to appear around!
As you can imagine, everyone was like 'WTF!?'
"A gopher?" Vincent asked, since he hadn't said much in a while.
"No... It's a MOLE!!" Barret yelled weirdly, quickly changing his gun-arm to a giant hammer.
"Howdy!" Reeve said, popping up from one of the holes, wearing a yellow hard hat with a light attached to it. Much like Bob the Builder! Or, more realistically, Haul from Rave Master.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT SPOOOOKE!!!!!!!" Cried Loz. "DEMON MOLE!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! DEEEEEEEEEEEEEMOOOOOOOON MOOOOOOOOOOOLEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And then, Barret jumped forward, and bopped Reeve on the head with his hammer. But, Reeve reappeared at another hole. So, Barret jumped to that hole, and bopped hi, down again. But Reeve just came back at another hole! So, Barret began playing Whack-A-Mole, but not with a mole, with Reeve, so it was Whack-A-Reeve! Fun, no?
Everyone else was still like 'WTF!?', watching Barret behave like an utter lunatic.
But then, THEN, one devastating blow sent Reeve down the hole, but who popped out of another hole but... ELMYRA! She landed on the ground. Not back in a hole. Heh.
"OH MY GOD!!!!" Barret yelled. "ELMYRA!!!/ What were YOU doing down there!!?"
"Reeve was creating a stone chamber for me." Elmyra said, looking pissed off as always at Barret. "I was trying to suffocate myself!!! UNTIL YOU FORCED ME OUTTA THERE!!!"
She raised a shaking fist, jumped up, dusted herself off, resumed shaking her shaking fist, then ran off back to Midgar like the crazy woman she most certainly is.
"Ooookay... I've seen the Mother act weirdly, but not like THAT before!" Zack said with a look of bewilderment.
"Oh, I was reluctant when she told me she was committing suicide, but, hey, friends help each other out, right?" Reeve said, popping out of a hole with lots of hammer-shaped dents him his hard hat.
"So, it WASN'T a Demon Mole..." Barret said. "Could've fooled me!"
"Clearly..." He continued. "Ahem, well, I was wondering if you guys were, umm, in need of any help? I mean, like I said, friends help each other out, right?"
Everyone was reluctant to answer. They didn't want Reeve hanging about at all! Hell no! But, they didn't really want to hurt his feelings, either.
"Uh, we left Cait Sith in the 7th Heaven!" Cid finally said. "You can do us a favour and take him apart for us!"
"REALLY!!?" Reeve said with biiiiiiiiiiiiiig sparkly Anime-style eyes. "Oh BOY! Oh BOY!"
And then, he headed back to Midgar after Elmyra, running whilst waving his arms about frantically like a little girl running for the last swing at the park.
"Well, anyway, this is most defiantly the way to Candy Mountain and the Rainbow Saucer!" Kadaj said with a smug little grin. "Follow me!"
Then, everyone followed Kadaj, as the screen pulled out to reveal the vast lands they were crossing, and Lord of the Rings music came on.
'And so, the Fellowship continued to search for the mountain of candy and the sacred Rainbow Saucer, in hopes of finding the mighty ArcBus, and discovering a way to put an end to--'
"PETEY! DINNER'S READY!" A random female voice yelled.
'MOM! I'm trying to narrate the story!!!'
"YOU CAN NARRATE IT LATER, YOUR BROCCOLI'S GETTING COLD!!!"
'Ugh, fine!! So, they went to the place, blah, blah, blah, events happened, blah, blah, the end.'
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Soon, they were all walking through a forest. It wasn't a bright, happy forest. It wasn't a dark, scary forest. It was just a plain old boring forest.
"COMPANY HALT!!" Kadaj shouted, and everyone immediately stopped.
"...Oh what the hell it that?" Sephiroth said, looking up at a... Thing.
"It's a Leoplurodon, Sephiroth!" Kadaj said happily. "A MAGICAL LEOPLURODON! It will tell us the way to Candy Mountain!"
"...Yup, Déja-vu..." He blinked.
The Leoplurodon yelped a weird cry.
"It has SP-O-O-KENN!!" Kadaj yelled, and walked off. Everyone followed.
"...It didn't say anything!!!" Sephiroth argued, not purposefully trying to copy his dream.
Oh well. He just sighed and followed too.
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After a while, the gang got to a bridge over a large valley. Where? I dunno. Don't try to find it on the map of the Midgar continent, cuz it's secret and even I don't know where the hell it is!
Anyway, unlike Sephiroth's dream at this point, it wasn't a rickety wooden bridge. No. In fact, far from it. Instead of it being a tiny rickety wooden bridge, it was a HUGE STURDY IRON bridge! HOORAY! So, it was perfectly safe for the big group to cross!
But, as soon as Kadaj took the first step onto it, a wave of black billowed, and WHO appeared but... AXEL! YAY! He called up a bunch of Nobodies and blocked the bridge.
"Hey. Reno. Move." Sephiroth said.
"I'm not Reno!" Axel said, sounding rather insulted. Or maybe not, but he had a high-pitched voice. "Name's Axel. Got it memorised!?"
"Ohh." Everyone chorused. They then remembered that, yes, in fact, it was Axel! He sure had them confused there!
"It's true. He doesn't have the stupid fake British accent!" Tifa commented.
"Okay. Axel. Move." Sephiroth said.
"Mmmm... No!"
"But we need to get to Candy Mountain! The Leoplurodon said it was across this bridge!" Kadaj whined.
"I can't let you across!"
"Why the hell not!?" Barret growled, waving his gun-arm-hammer about, since he hadn't bothered to change it.
"Cuz Cloud told me not to!!" Axel replied with his hands on his hips resisting the urge to say 'Got it memorised?' again. As soon as he said this, a glass shattered, and everyone gasped.
"Cloud!?" Cid yelled. I mean, he didn't think that Organisation XIII were really Cloud's flunkies, so he had to ask... "Why the hell'dya do what that stupid kid ordered you to do!?"
"Because..." Explained Axel in a very angsty tone. "If I didn't... He said... He would... KILL ROXAS!!"
Then, he shrieked, and then got out a random keyboard to play a horror tune, and then he smashed a glass melodramatically. After which he did all the three things at once, and ended with another loud shriek. All the Nobodies disappeared in terror. He had scared them off! Whoa!
By the time his little routine had ended, the FF7 team had already crossed the bridge effortlessly!
"BYE AXEL!" They all called back, waving, before walking into the random forest on the other side. It wasn't a bright, happy forest. It wasn't a dark, scary forest. It was just a plain old boring forest.
"... ...Shit!!" Axel said, looking around nervously.
Then, he just sat down on the bridge, all alone.
"Oh well." He said, cheering up. "At least I still have my ROXAS PLUSHIE!!!"
Then, he whipped out his Roxas plushie, and began hugging it adorably, pulling the cord every so often so it would say 'You are my best friend!' and 'I hate Naminé!'
Five minutes or so later, another wave of black billowed, and out popped Saïx!
"Oh, there you are. We've been looking all over for you." Saïx said. "Well, come on. We've gotta go back and carry out whatever plan Xemnas is planning..."
"B-B-But... I'm hugging my Roxas plushie!!" Axel cried.
"I love you Axel!" The Roxas plushie squealed.
"My GOD, man!" Saïx snorted, disgusted. "Grow up already!"
Then, he got out a lighter, held it under the plushie and burnt it to a jauntily ash that fell right through Axel's fingers.
Axel looked horrified, then drew in a deep breath, and screamed the biggest and most dramatic 'NOOOO' EVER! Birds flew from the trees, rocks started to fall from the valley. Nightwish began to then play 'The End Of All Hope' in the background, and Saïx had to plug his ears and run off so that his ear drums didn't... Well... EXPLODE INTO TINY LITTLE FRAGMENTS!
After about four minutes, or the duration of the song, everyone began walking again after stopping to think 'WTF!?' at the loud noises.
"What the hell was that!?" Zack asked.
"Beats me." Yazoo shrugged.
No one else knew, either, so they continued to walk on... Like I already said they were doing.
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"Well, what do you know? There really IS a Candy Mountain." Sephiroth said, when they'd stopped at a HUGE pile of candy that rose into the sky.
"The Rainbow Saucer will be at the top!" Kadaj said brightly. "We have to climb up to get to it!"
And, blankly, still just going along with what Kadaj was telling them to do since he had the map and there was no other hope to save Aeris and defeat Cloud and restore order to Midgar, everyone began to climb the mountain of candy. Except for Loz. No. Loz sat happily on the ground, and began eating the candy.
"YUM!" He said, taking a big bite from a large handful he'd ripped off. "I LOVE CANDY!"
No one really noticed that Loz had stayed down, so they just carried on. Not like they would wait for him anyway...
After they had disappeared into the clouds, which wasn't a very long time since I sped it up, Axel walked towards the mountain sadly.
"Aw, not even a Goddamn giant mountain of candy could cheer me up right now!"
"Really!?" Loz spluttered through a mouthful of sugary stuff. He was beginning to burst out of his pants at that time. Eww.
"Yeah..." Axel said sadly, shaking his head. "Stupid Saïx... Burning my plushie..."
Then, there was a long, LONG silence. Well, asides from the disgusting sound of Loz filling his face.
"... ... ..."
"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."
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"...Sigh... Maybe some candy WILL make me feel better..."
Axel walked over to the mountain, and broke off a candy cane, then sat next to Loz and began sucking on it.
"...Aw, it just doesn't compensate for Roxas!"
Loz stared at him weirdly. He didn't see the double meaning, he just didn't understand why Axel wasn't happy due to the CANDY!
Whoa... Anyway...
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...Yeah... Whoa... Anyway, the rest of the group, who still didn't realise Loz had stayed behind to EAT, had reached the top of the mountain! YAY!
"Oh, look, it's the Rainbow Saucer." Vincent said dully, pointing towards the Rainbow Saucer, which was just like the Gold Saucer, except in rainbow colours! YAY!
"WHOO! Let's go!" Kadaj said, now ver happy and excited.
They all bounced over the clouds to the Rainbow Saucer! YAY! And then, who greeted them at the base but... ARCBUS! YAY!
"What the hell are you doing here!?" ArcBus yelled.
"We came to ask you to stop writing Cloud so crazy!" Tifa said. "And to set everything back to how it was in the first Undying Pie!"
"What!? You want the deranged fan club back!? No, figure out your own problems!!!" ArcBus shouted, because she is a sour bitch. "Go fight Cloud like I've written you to do!!!"
Then, she pulled a lever, and Sephiroth, Tifa, Zack and Cid fell through the floor, back down to the ground.
"AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They screamed, clutching onto each other.
"Aw, I've been meaning to get a bigger hatch..." ArcBus said, shaking her head, before pulling another lever.
All the others then fell through another hatch, too.
"AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They also screamed, also clutching onto each other.
"...Stupid characters." ArcBus said, before glancing at her watch. "Oooh! Damn! I've gotta start writing the rest of the story!"
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So, when they all landed on the ground, obviously they were in two different places. Let's see where Sephiroth, Tifa, Zack and Cid had landed! Why... Through a glass roof! Ouch... Well, they were okay, because they're INVINCIBLE, but...
...They had landed...
...AT WAL-MART HQ!
"DAMMIT!!" Cloud yelled, standing infront of a crowd of very scared staff members. "I was hoping you'd want to come bursting right through the doors!!"
They all looked towards the front doors, which were completely nailed shut up with wooden planks, metal bars and chains and locks.
"Really?" Sephiroth asked, brushing the broken glass off of him. "You didn't think of the glass roof?"
"No." Cloud said sheepishly.
"Oh." Sephiroth said blankly.
Then, there was a few seconds of silence.
"How did you get through the roof, anyway?" Cloud asked eventually.
"We fell from the Rainbow Saucer." Tifa replied.
"The Rainbow Saucer!?" He echoed... Kinda. "B-BUT...!! Didn't Axel stop you!!?"
"Oh, he did..." Cid said. "But we got past him when he was mumbling on about you threatening him."
"I see." Cloud said darkly. "Then I have no choice but to punish him. I will live up to my threat! ROXAS WILL DIE!!"
Then, suddenly, the floor opened up, and a table with Roxas strapped to it rose up.
"...GODDAMMIT, AXEL!!" Roxas cried, before screaming practically every swear word in the book as a giant laser came down and pointed at him.
"Hey, you can't kill him just because we're here!" Tifa shouted. "Cloud, how awful of you!"
"Yeah, you're right." Cloud said, smirking. "I should wait until Axel comes back so he can WATCH HIM DIE!!!"
He followed up with a manic laugh. Some random Wal-Mart staff came and unstrapped Roxas from the table and carried him off somewhere.
"Right, so... Where's Aeris!?" Sephiroth asked.
"In a safe place!" Cloud replied with a nod, since he was thinking ahead like a good villain!
"...Yeeeaaah, but where!?"
"...Not telling!"
"...DAMMIT!"
After a little while longer arguing, they both withdrew their swords, and glared at each other fiercely.
And, guess what?
ArcBus typed...
BASS IT!
WHOO HOO! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY ON WEDNESDAY! YAY! 25TH! WHOOOOOOOO!
(Wipes away tears) I've just been watching something onYouTube that made me laugh insanely... But, that isn't really relevant at the moment.
I GOT A QUESTION! YAY! Thankyou, Tishannia!
Tishannia: Why the hell is Rayman in here? And more importantly, who the hell is he? (is backwards xP)
ArcBus: Rayman is the hero of the game series... Rayman. He has weird hair, a big nose, no neck, arms or legs, just a floating head, body, hands and feet... Like one of the elementals from FFX! He knows too much, hence Seph's line 'Who will tell us how many objects are in one Picasso picture now?', or on the commentary of Brother Bear, by the Moose...es... 'I could tell you how many hand prints are on the wall, if I was Rayman'. As for why he's here... I dunno. I'm shoving in a load of random crossovers.
Well, yes, anyway, thanks to all reviewers... And keep reviewing!
Bye for now!
