Here's chapter 7! This took a bit longer than I'd hoped, but I had to write it first, so there's that. And I also have exams, so there's also that. But anyway, here it is! Enjoy, and please review!

InsaneKids159: Glad you liked it, thanks so much for reviewing!

artemis62699: That was my favorite part, too. (Everyone, this girl is, like, my best friend. You should all go follow her. And Incitatus the Horse. Follow her, too.)

Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers.


It was the first weekend since the kids had started at S.H.I.E.L.D. that Tony decided he should probably get lethally drunk and have a really good time, because now he didn't have to do it alone anymore. He had friends. So, with the help of Bruce, Clint, Natasha, and Steve, they arranged for the kids to go see some Disney movie and then make bad decisions for a few hours while their parents were getting re-acquainted. Tony decided he should host, since he had a kickass tower, a lot of alcohol, and also JARVIS had gotten attached to Tony during his eleven years as a recluse and was no longer letting him out of the house. Natasha and Clint arrived first, of course, as they were neighbors.

"Natasha," Tony said, as he opened the door, "I haven't been out of the house in eleven years. I need to get laid. This is a dire emergency."

"I will kill you in your sleep, Stark," Clint replied, "and then poop on everything you love."

"I didn't mean Natasha," Tony argued, "are you kidding? No offense, of course, but sex doesn't sound so appealing once you've watched someone kill a villain by seducing them and then snapping their neck."

"It's a pleasurable way to die," Natasha said silkily.

"I'll take your word for it," Tony replied. Bruce came next, bringing with him chocolate cake in a plastic container. Tony remembered, back when they all lived together, then Bruce was the resident cook, and after missions, he always made cake. The memory made him smile. It was just like old times. "Hey! You brought cake. This is why I love you," Tony greeted him.

"Ignore him," Natasha called from the kitchen, "he's desperate to get laid." They'd only just started getting drunk when Steve arrived, which was fine, because Steve couldn't get drunk anyways, so he was pretty much no fun.

"Look who it is! Our favorite virgin sacrifice," Tony said as he opened the door. Steve glared at him.

"That happened one time, Tony," He replied, before walking inside, muttering, "Jeez, you almost become a virgin sacrifice once, and no one ever lets you live it down."

Within ten minutes, they were gathered around the table, recounting old memories and catching each other up on their lives. Bruce told them he'd once gone Hulk on Bellona, and she'd calmed him down by teaching him the "I'm a Little Teapot" dance. Clint told them the story of the time Chase had walked in on him and Natasha, and asked, "Are you guys having a bird sound contest?" Tony told them about the time that Stella had figured out he was monitoring her conversations with JARVIS, so she went down to her room and asked, "JARVIS, how do you masturbate?" just to mess with him, and he'd nearly had a panic attack.

"...so, Steve," Tony finished, "you got any stories to tell us?"

"Yeah, we haven't heard anything about your wife. I don't even remember her name," Natasha prompted. Steve blushed.

"Well, uh, she's not really my wife anymore," He muttered.

"What happened?" Clint pressed.

"Clint!" Natasha scolded.

"It's fine," Steve assured her. "About a month after we had Nick, she decided she was a lesbian. And then she left." Tony burst out laughing. Bruce glared at him.

"How is that remotely funny?" Bruce asked.

"Because," Tony gasped, "I didn't know that actually happened in real life. I thought that was only in scripted reality TV and soap operas."

"Well, it happened," Steve sighed.

"Wait, wait, so let me get this straight: You had a kid, and then, like, a month later, she ran off with Ellen Degeneres," Tony said. Clint started laughing at this.

"Who's Ellen Degeneres?" Steve asked, confused.

"Nevermind," Tony dismissed.

"I still don't get how this is funny," Bruce deadpanned.

"They had a kid, and then she decided she was lesbian," Tony choked out, between bouts of laughter. Natasha cracked a slight smile, having caught on to where Tony was going. "That means Steve's sex was actually so bad that it changed her sexual orientation." Now even Bruce was laughing, while Steve stared at nothing, a horrified expression on his face.

"Oh my god," He breathed, "you're right! And I've never had sex with another woman. Tony!" He grabbed Tony by the shoulders and shook him. "Tony, am I gay?!" Tony nearly fell of his chair. Clint did fall off his chair.

"Slow down there, Virgin Sacrifice," Tony panted, once he'd more or less recovered, "if you were gay, you probably wouldn't have married a woman. And had sex with her. Allegedly twice, although I find that hard to believe."

"But she married me and had sex with me twice, and she's gay," Steve argued.

"Still not really buying the whole 'twice' thing," Tony muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing! Look, Captain Queer and Questioning, I seriously doubt that you're gay. You would know by now," Tony assured him.

"Oh my god, I'm freaking out. This isn't funny. Why are you all laughing? I think I'm going into shock. Oh my god, oh my-"

"Steve!" Bruce cut him off, "I'm gonna do a quick, totally medical test to make sure you're straight, okay?" Steve nodded. "Okay. If Tony pulled down his pants right now, would you enjoy that?"

"What?" Tony cried, "Why me?" Bruce turned to him with a classic "bitch please" expression on his face.

"C'mon, Tony," He said, "your bromance is so strong it makes people uncomfortable."

"Thanks…?" Tony muttered. Bruce rolled his eyes and turned back to Steve.

"So?" He prompted, "Would you?"

"No!" Steve answered firmly, "Not at all! Ew. Never going to be able to get that image out of my head."

"Yeah? Well, the rest of us are stuck with the image of you having sex with a lesbian," Clint pointed out.

"Just the thought of Steve having sex with anything is weird," Tony added.

"Thanks, guys. It's so good to see you," Steve said sarcastically.

"JARVIS, put on a movie with hot chicks," Tony instructed, "I can't stop thinking about Steve in bed, and it's messing me up. I need alcohol and boobs." Natasha raised her eyebrows.

"Men are gross," She muttered. JARVIS turned on the TV, and put on Star Wars. For a second, Tony was like, What? Who's hot and topless in Star Wars? But then he remembered that JARVIS had a weird, computerized crush on Princess Leia, and they were probably going to end up watching Star Wars for the rest of the night. Oh well. He was okay with that.

It was towards the end of the night that Steve brought it up. They were watching Star Wars and eating cake Bruce made. (For a giant green rage monster that liked to destroy entire building with his fists, the guy was a wonderful baker.) It was towards the end of the movie, and everyone was half-asleep. Tony was more than half-asleep. He was, like, three-quarters-asleep. Maybe even five-sixths-asleep. Which was why he was pretty peeved when Steve poked him. He ignored it, at first, but Steve poked him again.

"Tony," He said. "Tony. Hey, Tony. To-"

"What?!" Tony snapped. Everyone was watching them now, Tony's loud cry having woken them up.

"What's for lunch?" Steve asked, a devilish grin on his face.

Tony laughed so hard he almost had an asthma attack. And he didn't even have asthma.

"Poop sandwiches," Tony gasped. Steve was on the floor, practically convulsing with laughter. Tony was crying. And everyone else was really, really confused.

"Um...," Bruce muttered, "poop sandwiches?"

"Men," Natasha scoffed.

"I feel like we're missing something here," Clint said.

"You are," Tony replied.

"The Poop Sandwich Story," Steve explained.

"I can't believe I'm asking this, but what is the 'Poop Sandwich Story'?" Bruce asked.

"Well," Tony began, "It's better than Star Wars, so we can turn this off."

"The Poop Sandwich Story requires your full attention," Steve explained. "Go on, Tony. Tell them." So Tony told them.

The Poop Sandwich Story

It all started because Tony had a miraculous inability to listen to Steve. It didn't matter if it was just training, or an actual mission, Tony always did the exact opposite of what Steve instructed. They usually ended up pulling off whatever they were trying to do, but it annoyed Steve, and eventually started to piss of the rest of the team. So Steve and Tony got called into extra training at S.H.I.E.L.D. to work out their "leadership issues".

At first, it sucked. They didn't want to be training. It was Sunday, and Tony had just introduced Steve to football. They were supposed to watch the Patriots/Broncos game today. Both of them were pretty peeved about it. So, instead of doing what Fury asked, they did the exact opposite. They failed every training exercise and got killed in every simulation. Fury was pissed. Tony and Steve were having the time of their lives. Then they decided to take it a step further.

They were frustrated about missing the football game, so they let Fury know. Whenever he ran a simulation, instead of fighting the simulated enemies, Tony would snap Steve's shield to Steve, and Steve would call out football plays, before hurling his shield as a ball. They were playing football with computerized super-villains. Fury was fuming, and was about to threaten them with more long, grueling hours of training, when Coulson came over.

"Sir," He'd said, "they kind of are doing what you asked. Steve's the quarterback. He's calling the plays, and Tony's listening to them. Isn't that what you wanted?" So Fury let them go. They'd missed almost the entire game, but neither of them was actually that upset about it. They'd had fun.

At that time, all the Avengers were living at Stark tower. It was lunchtime when Tony and Steve got home, and Bruce was cooking, as usual. As mentioned before, the Hulk makes a surprisingly good chef. Thor was watching the football game, and Steve immediately headed over and sat beside him on the couch, while Tony headed to get himself a drink.

"What for lunch?" Steve called. He was probably asking Bruce, but the Hulk was too wrapped up in his cooking too answer. So Tony did.

"Poop sandwiches," He replied.

And Steve fucking lost it.

Tony was appalled. "Poop sandwiches" wasn't funny at all. How old was Steve, three?

"Seriously?" Tony questioned, "You laugh at 'poop sandwiches', but not at my genius puns?" Steve couldn't answer. He was still laughing. And by that point, Tony started laughing, too. Mostly because of how hard Steve was laughing at such a stupid joke, but also, when you stopped to think about it, "poop sandwiches" was pretty funny.

It became a thing, after that. An inside joke, if you will. They could be anywhere; training, at the tower, on a mission. All Steve had to do was say, "What's for lunch?" And Tony would answer, "Poop sandwiches." And they'd both be in convulsions.

It was pretty debilitating, actually. Tony had pointed this out to Steve after they'd failed a simulation laughing over feces. "We could be fighting a villain," He'd said, "and all that guy would have to do is say 'poop sandwich'. And we'd both be goners." But Steve didn't catch the end of the statement, because Tony had said "poop sandwich" in the first sentence, and he didn't quite know why, but it was hilarious.

So, the moral of the story is, it doesn't matter how old you are, how mature you are, or how good you are at saving the world from power-hungry aliens in fancy green bathrobes, there's still nothing funnier than a poop joke.

THE END

"...so, yeah," Tony finished, "that's The Poop Sandwich Story. You're welcome."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," Clint said.

"It's hilarious, and you know it," Steve argued.

"Hey, Bruce," Tony said, poking the angry green rage monster in the side. "Bruce. Bruce. Hey, Bruce. Br-"

"What?"

"What's for lunch?" Bruce sighed.

"...Poop sandwiches."

Tony and Steve were on the ground again.

"He said it!" Steve gasped. "Bruce said 'poop sandwich'!"

"Natasha," Tony choked out, "what's...what's for lunch?"

"I'm not answering."

"Yeah, you will," Steve argued. "Natasha. Natasha. Nataaaaasha. Hey, Natasha, what's for lunch? What's for lunch, Natasha? Natasha? What's-"

"Okay!" She cried, "Poop sandwiches! There, you win."

After Tony and Steve had recovered from their next laughing fit (Honestly, "poop sandwich" never got old.), they turned to Clint.

"Don't even try it."

"What's for lunch?" Tony and Steve chorused, completely in unison.

"Nope."

"C'mon, Clint."

"What's for lunch?"

"Not happening."

Steve and Tony continued to whine and wheedle to Clint, but he refused. They tried everything. They didn't give up that day. They called him unexpectedly and asked him what was for lunch. They left him voicemails saying they had Natasha hostage, and Steve was gonna have sex with her if Clint didn't say "poop sandwich". Unfortunately, she walked into the room at that moment, proving to Clint that Steve and Tony didn't have her. They even hacked into S.H.I.E.L.D.'s database and sent out an official looking survey entitled "Employee Satisfaction Survey". It only had one question, "What's for lunch?" They got about a hundred confused replies from various employees, a few responses of "poop sandwiches" from those that had heard the joke, and one, "NOT A FUCKING CHANCE STARK. I KNOW THIS WAS YOU BECAUSE COMPUTERIZED SURVEYS ARE TOO COMPLICATED FOR STEVE."

But they wouldn't give up. Someday, they would do it. Clint would say, "Poop sandwich", or Tony and Steve would die trying.

About twenty minutes after the poop sandwich story, around halfway through A New Hope, Tony decided he was bored. He'd seen this movie thirty times. And it was a Friday night, he was an experienced alcoholic, and he was at home watching movies and eating cake.

"We should go out," He decided.

"What?" Natasha asked sleepily, "Tony, it's, like, eleven o'clock."

"When did you become the fun police? That's Steve's job. We need to go out, get super wasted, make regrettable decisions, and then throw up a lot tomorrow," He said vehemently. There was silence for a moment, while everyone looked around at each other, considering this.

"Okay," Clint finally spoke up, "let's do it."

The rest of the night was kind of a haze of drugs, alcohol, and regret.