Chapter six
I'd managed to rummage about in the large cupboard across from the slim staircase and find a clean nappy for Toby only to find there was nowhere to lie him. I had to place the little wriggler in his cot and dodge out of his way when he attempted to wee all over me. Luckily for me I'd had an unfortunate experience with a baby Edmund and knew very well what baby boys were capable of. Once one nappy was changed I certainly couldn't leave the other six lying in their soggy clothes and before Tilly arrived I'd been long up to my elbows in the contents of six nappies. The little girls and boys, which ranged from tiny baby Amelia up to,Vincent who was almost too big for his iron cot were all dressed in the same hand knitted clothes. You could tell their clothes were donated by the church who funded the home. There wasn't a single item of clothing that was specifically for one child. I couldn't find anything which actually fitted Amelia, who was one of the tiniest children I'd ever seen and so young she cried for the warmth and closeness of her mother.
Once I'd came to the last child, labeled Lily, I'd ran out of terry towelling for another nappy and had to wrap a spare sheet around her little bottom instead.
Also in the room, on the side of the large cupboard, there was a huge white Belfast sink and a small stove. I tossed the old nappies in the sink to be washed but couldn't find any carbolic soap to wash them with. I presumed these babies would be fed on formula milk and I managed to find a small collection of glass bottles and rubber teats but I didn't know the recipe for formula milk so the poor tot's would just have to cry.
The three older children were very wary of me and I didn't really know what to say to them. The one with the missing eye was first to get out of his bed and tiptoe across to me. He wore a long dress-like nightshirt and his little tiny feet were bare. He was fiddling with his nightshirt and I soon understood why. The little one, who must have been only three or four years old hadn't been allowed to the toilet since the night before and going by the terrible attendance of their carer that could've been hours. I didn't really know what to do with him, I presumed they weren't supposed to go downstairs to the same toilets we used but I couldn't think where else to take him, obviously he was too young to go alone. I had to turf disgruntled babies back into their cots so they couldn't hurt themselves and told the two remaining children not to touch anything until I came back.
I ended up carrying the little boy down the stairs, sure he wouldn't manage to wait if we went at his speed. On the way out the back of
the house I learned the boy was called George, so the other had to be Archie. George didn't know how old he was and I wasn't surprised. I almost asked him about his family before biting my tongue and remembering he had no family. Poor boy, I didn't know what there would be in life without my family. I'd never seen a day without an older brother, even if at one time he pulled my hair.
When George and I walked back up to the nursery we were surprised to find another girl there. Girl certainly seemed the right word to describe her since she couldn't have been much taller than Lucy and she certainly didn't have the curvaceous shape of a woman. She wore her blonde hair in a long braid down her back, tied with a hair ribbon and she was dressed in the same blue dress that I'd squeezed into that morning. She looked like a miniature resident but by the way she was busily mumbling to the children and by the way Archie and Emily followed her like lost kittens, I presumed this was Tilly.
I didn't know whether I should speak or just let her get on with her work. She was dangling Vincent on her hip while at minding the stove and that alarmed me enough to open my move.
Sometimes I wondered if bring Queen for fifteen years had given me less common sense because of course, the moment I began to speak Tilly got such a fright that she almost dropped Vincent.
"Oh! You startled me, I guess you must be the girl matron sent to help. I do really appreciate it dearly but don't worry I won't work you too hard, especially not as it gets to dropping time," she giggled as though she was half-mad and I began to wonder if this was really such a good idea.
"I see you've met our George. Emily said he was with you miss..?"
"Susan, just Susan."
"Oh, alright Susan. Well, I guess I should give you all the background." Tilly took two quick steps across the floor and placed Vincent on his chubby feet then pranced back to turn off the stove.
"Would you go in the bottom drawer and bring me six bottles?" She asked, removing the mix from the heat, never stopping the chatter.
"We've got Amelia, Lily, Vincent, Toby, Richard and Holly to feed. I saw you changed them, thank you they get awful sores sometimes because I can't get here easily enough. And the older ones will get dressed, then I'll have some time to get to know you."
So we set about work as Tilly said and soon got through the morning's jobs. Tilly was a cheerful person, she reminded me of Lucy in some ways. She saw the good in every part of the situation. She spun tails to the babies and hugged the older kids. It wasn't long till the were all settled, all laying or crawling or playing on the floor except tiny Amelia who lay snuggly in Tilly's arms.
"Where are you from then?" Tilly began again
"Finchley, I lived with my Mum, Dad two brothers and sister."
"I always wanted a little sister, I'm the youngest, only two of us though. My brother Alec is 25.
"I'm the second child, Peter is eleven months older than me. Edmund is two years younger than me and Lucy is eighteen months younger. She's twelve, she's never spent a night of her life without me till now." I tried to talk around the lump in my throat. I missed my plucky little sister, her cheeky grin and her bright eyes. I remembered how she'd clung to me when she had to say goodbye.
Tilly patted my shoulder comforting me,
"You were close. I'm sorry." I shook my head, blinking to clear the lump in my throat.
"It's alright, it was me who got in this state."
Tilly grinned,
"Can I have a feel?" I was stunned by her sudden change of subject but nodded uncertainly. Tilly clasped a hand on either side of my stomach, squeezing and prodding and rubbing all across my stomach.
"Ooh," she grinned, "its a good size, a real big baby you've got in there."
I gave her an odd look, wondering how on earth she knew that.
Tilly blushed, moving her hands away,
"I wanted to be a midwife, got a good way through my training and then my parents couldn't pay for it anymore. I know how it's lying I there too." Her hands moved back and she pointed out the baby's head then it's spine, telling me to press hard so I could feel the baby in there. It felt strange, of course I'd seen that my stomach was expanding constantly, I'd seen my scar expand and become uglier than before but I'd never really thought about the thing in there. Never once had I felt beyond the tight skin.
"I think it's beautiful you know, so magical how babies grow and how they come about. You don't have to tell me but- what was the baby's Father like?"
I smiled,
"He was a lovely man. He has the most enchanting eyes, they're almost
Black. He's strong and good even if he has a little bit of a temper. I think I loved him, and I think he loved me too. His name was Caspian."
"I've never heard that name before,"
"No, he's not from around here."
"He sounds nice." I laughed inwardly,
"Many people would be put off by his long hair, mind you those muscles,"
Tilly laughed,
"So he's sporty? Or works hard. " I tried not to smile, thinking I could have fun with this one.
"Well he works hard but he's a different sort of sportsman- he's a swordsman."
Tilly's eyes widened, she was impressed by my odd choice.
"What does he do?"
I was really struggling and as cruel as it was I decided for the first time ever I'd tell her the truth.
"He rules."
"Rules?"
"Yes, he's the Crown Prince."
Tilly's eyes leapt out their sockets and her mouth opened in total surprise.
"What! So that baby-,"
I grinned, aware I looked ridiculous but not really caring, it was the most fun I'd had in ages.
"Yes, my baby is next inline to the thrown."
"Are you pulling my leg?" I shook my head, poor girl must have been so overwhelmed. Eventually she laughed in delight,
"I've just touched a royal baby, oh I wish I could deliver it! How fantastic would that feel. " I laughed at her, again so like Lucy.
I spent another few weeks at St Bernadette's before things began to change. I began to change too, as Tilly had warned me all of a sudden a beachball exploded out from my stomach and I began to feel the strain it was putting on my body. I struggled to get up in time for breakfast and was well ready for bed by eight at night. Tilly just nodded and smiled when I complained but she began to take on more of the day's work than she used to. The older children began to see what was happening too, they became curious and somehow seemed to know to be careful.
As mad as it sounded I was beginning to like Tilly and the disorganised nursery I worked in, however it made me fear for my own child. In most cases I should be expected to fear he or she would end up in the same places but my fear was more selfish than that. I didn't feel anything for it, I knew it was in there and growing and how it came to be but there was no love. A new mother was supposed to adore her baby straight away, supposed to enjoy all the little details but I didn't. I'd felt the tot kicking me by now, felt it do a complete head over heals in my belly but it didn't make my heart flutter with love. It did nothing to me, I was always being told I was the motherly one- the family member who was always there when someone needed hugged. I loved seeing the babies I worked with each and every day but still, nothing.
I didn't tell anyone how I felt, I didn't think anyone would understand. How could the gentle Queen not even love her own child, her own tiny baby?
Little did I know that as I was getting used to St Bernadette's things were going on at home, my siblings were stepping in to help me even if they didn't need to.
I was scrubbing little Holly in the big sink in the nursery, trying not to get too soaked by flapping chubby hands. I loved the sweet face of the little girl, her light brown hair and her dimples were so sweet. She always giggled as soon as she hit the water, I remembered Mum saying the same thing about me when I was little. Tilly had left early. She was very worried about her mother who was sixty five years old, having had her children very late, and who had been very ill the night before. Tilly had quickly helped me bath most of the children before I told her to go and see to her mother. It was only the back of seven o'clock but already the rest of the house seemed quiet. There had been a few births lately and that was when Tilly had explained the real reason for our attic babies. St Bernadette's was a private organisation and was solely in charge of the adoption of all children born there. The children we looked after were the unadoptables, the babies no one had wanted and so they were hidden up here, waiting for someone to take pitty.
I was surprised to here footsteps on the stairs and the hushed voice of Matron but Holly was a real pest at times and I couldn't take my eyes off her for a second. I knew it wasn't one of the older trio being a nuisance because they were all settled on their beds waiting for a story- I had recently began to tell them all about Narnia and what had happened to my characterised Paul, Sarah, Eric and Laura.
I listened but couldn't hear anything that was being said at the bottom of the stairs. After a moment the door shut and the feet continued to pad slowly up the stairs towards me. The feet stopped at the top, my eyes began to itch with the need to turn round so I grabbed a blanket to wrap soggy Holly in and pretended not to notice what was going on behind me.
A deep voice cleared its throat behind me before the voice of an old man spoke,
"Good evening your majesty." The voice that spoke sent relief right through me, like a warm bath after a day in the snow. Great uncle Professor Diggory Kirke. The only man alive who knew our story, the only man who was an adult and had some significance in making choices and demanding things.
The mad looking older man chuckled as I turned around, a sodden baby in one arm and hugged him tightly. He laughed once more, stroking my hair as I held onto him. He smelled of tobacco, books and dampness. To me he somehow still smelled Narnian after all the years.
Holly gave an irritated whiney noise which brought me to my senses and I let go of the man. He smiled, his eyes still as childlike as ever under the rims of his glasses.
"What are you doing here, sir?"
"I received a letter from three very worried authors explaining their sister was in trouble. Your siblings told me all that had happened and I wrote back to my niece, your Mother, saying I'd heard the situation and with her permission you could come and stay with me, your majesty."
I didn't know what to think, I was getting away from this horrible place but at the same time leaving Tilly all alone when her mother was so ill. I wanted to go with the Professor but I was needed here.
"What is the matter my dear, I thought you would be pleased?"
"Oh I am, I just feel for the poor children. Tilly, the girl I work with, her mother is sick and I think she needs me here." The professor shook his head, smiling to myself.
"The other place really does change our views. I can completely understand why you were named the Gentle Queen. You must go against your nature and think about the next generation."
I felt my cheeks glow, it was odd for an older man to address my condition, it felt strange to think he knew all about how I had became like this, that wasn't something I wanted a sixty year old man to be thinking about.
"You, my Queen, are soon to give birth to a very special baby, the stars are aligned to say exactly that." I didn't think the stars in our world could tell such things because our stars were not living as those in Narnia were. The look on the professor's face showed he was telling the truth, the stars awaited my baby's birth- just as they had the birth of baby Jesus.
"You find it quite overwhelming don't you, I'm sorry you've had to miss out on thinking time. But Aslan knew you could do this, otherwise he wouldn't have allowed it to happen. I think it is just like in the story you told me, you may not be ready yet but when the time comes you will be."
I certainly hoped he was right, I didn't feel ready but then I hadn't felt ready to be Queen, not by a long shot, until the crown was placed on my head. Perhaps I wouldn't feel ready to be a mother until my baby was placed in my arms.
"Now, I think you have some children to settle to sleep, then we must go. We shall be staying in London tonight and will continue home tomorrow morning. You'll be able to telephone your brothers and sister at the hotel, let them know everything is going to plan. Your mother's allowed them to come and visit for a few days after the new year has begun, I had to twist some arms for that one- Lucy does make an excellent weapon doesn't she?" He grinned again, I knew exactly what he meant.
As I continued to put the children to bed I began to explain to the Professor what had happened since we'd last visited Narnia. I told him all about the telmarine invasion and the wiping out of many animals. I told him how time had passed so fast there and we had became the legend rather than the prophecy. I told him about the battle and the raid on the castle. Eventually, after all the children were tucked up, I told him about Caspian. He listened, he didn't say anything at all while I was explaining and his expires soon showed only interest. Not once did he show that he thought I was stupid or anything like it. He cared in a way my own Mum hasn't cared.
"You will need a coat, your Majesty, it's snow-cold outside."
"You could just call me Susan, I'm certainly not used to titles any more."
"I don't call you that because I can't remember your name but out of respect for you. To me you are as much my Queen as George is my King, and you wouldn't go up to him and call him Georgie, would you?" I laughed, Professor Kirke really was a Narnian by heart- even if he'd only been there for a short while. It showed what an effect the beautiful country had on all of us who were lucky enough to have seen it.
"I'm afraid I don't have a coat sir, and I shall call you that out of a matter of respect also, agreed?"
"Yes your highness. I'm sure we can speak to the matron." I snorted, the Jadis incarnate was unlikely to do anything for me and I told him that too.
"We shall see," came his reply, a ry smile on his lips, the corners of her eyes bright. I took one last look around the nursery of unwanted children, stroking the heads of Toby and George, Archie and Emily, Vincent and Holly, Lily and Amelia and Richard. Saying goodbye to the sweet little kids for the last time. I twisted the key on a battered tin music box and let a soft tune flutter out from the strings inside. The professor laid husband on my back and escorted me down the stairs without another word.

Christmas came and went without much joy. The Professor, Mrs Macready, Ivy, Mary and I shared a Christmas dinner of suckling pig and livers. We each opened a small present and we celebrated well into the evening around the professor's piano. Even Mrs Macready joined in after a few glasses of sherry. I was happier than I had been in a whole but it wasn't Christmas without Lucy waking up at six and without Edmund lighting the Christmas pudding and just missing his fingers. It wasn't Christmas without the wireless blasting out in the living room as three pairs danced around the floor. The professor got a little worried I think when the sherry made me giggly and he had Mrs Macready escort me to my room.
I fell asleep instantly but woke with a chill in the middle of the dark night. I had a strong urge to go someplace, the place where it all began. I slipped my feet out of the blankets and onto the cold wooden floor, tiptoeing across and out the room. I followed the light from an uncovered window. Down the stairs, up the stairs, across the corridor, round the corner and the second door. I opened the door to that room. The wardrobe loomed in front of me, lit by the window covered in tape. The carvings on the doors called for me and I walked closer till my hand was out, ready to grab the door handle. The handle twisted in my hand and the fur coats were revealed to me. For some strange reason I climbed inside, sat hunched up, squashing my stomach in an attempt to hug my knees. It was freezing cold, so cold I had to touch the wooden back to make sure. There was no way back. I was too old, I didn't feel too old. If anything I felt too young to have to say goodbye to that life, too young to give up all I'd loved. I'd lost everything I ever had. Tears clouded in my eyes, I felt like Dorothy. 'There's no place like home.'
"Susan."
My eyes snapped open. I knew that voice. My elbow knocked the back of the wardrobe, still wooden then how?
"Susan," Caspian's hand found my cheek and suddenly I could see him crouched across from me. I closed my eyes, leaning into his rough hand. Every nerve in my body went live and began to yearn for him. He went from a crouch onto his knees and leant over me, so close I could feel the warmth of his breath. His lips found mine, soft and gentle but I wasn't allowing that and threw an arm round his neck, forcing his lips open in a more vigorous kiss. He sighed in return and pulled me closer. He felt my stomach on his and stopped all of a sudden. Nudging me away from him so he could see. His eyes wide with confusion and amazement he placed his hands on either side of my belly.
"That's our baby," I whispered, looking him right in the eye. His eyes opened even more till I could see a fine line around his iris. He didn't say anything, rubbing his hands around my stomach, feeling everything there was to feel. He drew his mouth back to mine, kissing me again and again and again.
We somehow ended up out of the wardrobe and I led him back to my room, not even thinking how awful it would appear to be caught. We sat back on my bed, I placed his hands in mine, squeezing them tightly and felt tears begin to spill, tipping over my eyelids and falling into our entangled hands.
"It's alright your majesty, it's alright." He soothed but I couldn't stop, I couldn't believe he was here. I'd never thought I would see him again and here he was, sitting right next to me.
"How did you get here?" I sobbed. He shook his head,
"I don't know, I was sleeping and now I'm here. And you, you are with child?" I nodded, moving our hands up over my belly
"Our baby, after only once. I don't know what'll happen to it, my mother has disowned me for having it but I can't leave it. The stars are aligned, they are already announcing the birth of a royal baby."
"Aslan would only do what is right." I felt anger begin to fizzle,
"Why does everyone keep saying that? What would make him do this to me? I didn't want this to happen, I'm not ready!" Caspian moved his hands placing them on my shoulders.
"No, Susan. You let fear get in the way of your own sanity, you must have faith." He was right, I knew it but I was yet to feel it.
"I'm sorry, it's not your fault." He smiled and kissed my forehead.
"I have never regretted what happened and if it led to this then so be it. I can't speak for you, I didn't expect this but I don't feel that it's wrong."
"I love you Caspian," he smiled and his lips began to nuzzle mine once more. We were both filled with a thirst, a desperate need that had to be completed and fulfilled. A thirst which couldn't be filled by open mouthed, explorative kisses. A thirst that soon enough had me pinned underneath him, my heart hammering in my rib cage. The baby squirmed, excited by my emotions, Caspian felt it move and remembered, snapping out of his animalistic behaviour.
"Won't I hurt you? Or it?"
I shook my head, pulling his face back to mine. I wasn't sure, not in the slightest but I didn't really care. Tonight I was going to think about myself, do as the professor said and think for me rather than the whole world in one.

He held me close, skin on skin as we found our breath and let our heart beats slow to normal. He burried his head in my neck, chewing it gently.
"I don't want you to have to leave, I want us to stay together I want you and I and our baby to find a home and get married. I want to have another child, or another two. I want to stay with you forever. I whispered as he suckled my skin. Moving away from me he looked me in the eyes,
"You know that's what I want too, you know I'd stay with you but I fear that may not happen."
"I know."
I curled up on his chest, feeling the muscles and scars from battles past. I fell asleep almost instantly, feeling happier than I had in months.
When I awoke I was alone, lying sleeping in my bed as if nothing had happened. The sun shone through the curtains, my head pounded, a knife hacking at my skull. I was alone once more, with the world resting on my shoulders and once more I burst into tears.

(A/N) this might be quite short but I knew where I wanted it to end! What do you think? Was Caspian really there or was Susan just drunk?
I'm looking for ideas for a drawing I want to do for The Next Four Months- it would be a water colour and I have my ideas for Susan, Caspian and Peter but how could I draw Lucy and Edmund? Ideas please?
Thanks for reading- please comment!