Anonymous asked: 15. "It doesn't matter. You've moved on and I have to be okay with that."
Brittany and Santana don't Skype as much as Brittany would like too, but it's always hard to act like they're just best friends when they've been so much more for years, when they'll always be so much more. Brittany tries to pin Santana down and have regular Skype sessions (because she misses her best friend, and she misses her girlfriend, even if they haven't been girlfriends for far too long), but Santana's working two jobs, one during the morning and one at night, and trying to sleep in between; though Brittany always manages to squeeze in a fifteen minute Skype call at least once a week.
It's five minutes into one of those calls when her phone dings.
"Who's that?" Santana asks nonchalantly, though Brittany can tell she knows exactly who it is even though the pixels.
"It's nothing," Brittany says; she knows that it's Sam's text tone, but she ignores that (she finds it pretty easy, which should concern her, but it doesn't, especially not when Santana is filling her laptop screen).
"It's Sam," Santana says flatly.
Brittany shrugs and kind of wishes she could throw her phone against the wall. "It's— I don't have to answer right away. We don't—"
"It's okay," Santana says easily, as if Brittany can't tell that each word makes Santana feel like someone reached into her chest and squeezed her heart. "I— You're dating him now and we're best friends," she stumbles over the words a little, just like Brittany's heart stumbles over them, "and best friends talk about things like that—"
"Santana stop," Brittany begs even as Santana is shaking her head, "it's fine. We really don't have to talk about it. I know it hurts."
"It doesn't matter. You've moved on and I have to be okay with that."
"I— You— We— What?" Brittany stutters.
Santana shrugs and looks at something just past her laptop, her smile only wavering a little bit. "It's fine. I- I'm good with it, really." Brittany just gapes at her, unable to find any words. "I'm just, I mean— It- It might take me a little bit to be fine fine with it, but I'm just— I want you to be happy more than anything, you know? And I realize now that you weren't with me— It took me a while but I get it, that your happiness isn't with me so, I'm just— I'm good," she rambles.
Brittany feels a little bit like someone hooked an anchor into the space directly below her sternum and started yanking on it. She's always known Santana is the most timid and unsure person when it comes to anything genuine, but she never thought that Santana would ever doubt Brittany's love for her; but then again, there's a lot of things that Brittany used to be so sure of that have fallen apart lately.
"You really think I could move on from you?" Brittany finally manages to ask.
Brittany can see the way Santana's throat moves as she swallows thickly, even through the blurry pixels and awful internet connection. "Well, I mean, yeah," she mumbles, picking at some invisible lint on her jeans. "You deserve someone who makes you happy and I see now that I wasn't. I understand, really Britt, I do."
"How could I ever move on from you?" Brittany croaks. "How could I move on from my soulmate?"
Santana's eyes snap back to the screen. "What?" she rasps.
Brittany swallows and manages a small smile. "Santana, I could never move on from you. You're my one constant. You're my always."
"Then what are we doing?" Santana challenges. "I'm in New York and you're—" she chokes on the words for a second, "and you're with Sam."
"We're waiting," Brittany says quickly, "Isn't that why we're going through all this pain now? So that someday we'll be in the same spot again? So we can be together in the end?"
"What am I supposed to do until then?" Santana whispers, and Brittany can see her chin tremble just a little bit. Brittany presses her fingers to her earbuds, trying to push them closer so she can hear Santana better, so she can feel like she's actually there with Santana instead of hundreds of miles away.
Brittany swallows thickly. "You do what you have too," she says, "And if some pretty girl is a part of that, then I understand."
Santana shakes her head. "I don't know how to do that, Britt," she says, and she sounds a little bit like she's choking, "I don't even know how to be me anymore."
Brittany knows she's still alive because she hasn't blacked out or anything, but she barely feels like she's breathing, she doesn't even feel like her heart's beating anymore. "San—" she starts.
"I have to get ready for work," Santana interrupts, "I'll talk to you later Britt." Santana scratches at the skin under her eye, and Brittany knows she's trying to stop the tears so Brittany won't see; she knows because Brittany herself is blinking quickly to try and stop her own before Santana sees them.
"Promise," Brittany says, and she can't quite stop the choking fear that Santana won't call her back if she isn't forced to.
Brittany doesn't miss the split second hesitation and pain that crosses Santana's features. "I promise," she finally says.
Santana disconnects from the call and Brittany hates the world for a very long moment. She doesn't even realize she's crying until she sees the teardrops on her laptop. She sucks in a shuddering breath and ignores the dings her phone makes with texts from Sam and wishes that their someday didn't seem further away every single day.
