Jason couldn't sleep. He'd been lying awake for the past three hours, mulling everything over in his head.
He was beating himself up over not being there for Nico when he'd needed him most. He'd gotten caught up in sizing up the blond fan, after what Percy had said to him the night before.
His thoughts drifted back to that conversation. Percy had been right, as much as it pained Jason to admit it. Even though Nico and him had decided to break up, they'd pretty much fallen back into that pattern.
He knew things would never work for them in the way that he wanted. He didn't know if Nico would never be able to settle down or that he just wasn't ready for it. He definitely hadn't been ready at the time, but Nico had only been 19.
So he accepted their parting, and tried to move on, quietly holding on to the hope that Nico would one day change his mind and come back to him.
Shortly after, their life had gotten turned on its head, forcing them to make the decision of staying in college or chasing after their shared dream of being rock stars.
The decision had been easy. It hadn't been a walk in the park to let go of his carefully planned future, but Jason wouldn't let the opportunity slip by. He'd get to stay close to his best friends and make a job out of his favourite pastime.
He sometimes wondered if Nico begrudged him for making that decision. He had held on to his vision of the future and it lead to them breaking up, but he had given all of that up for the band. For the band, but not for Nico.
Life on the road was harder than he thought it would be. The constant travel and the hotels took a lot out of Jason, and that was when they only toured around in California. He had slowly adjusted, with the help of his friends, and in return, he helped his friends adjust. Nico had a lot of trouble dealing with the crowds and trying to control his anxiety, and Jason tried his damnedest to always be there for him. Because he didn't want his best friend to feel like shit, and maybe, just maybe, because he wanted Nico to feel like he needed Jason.
Another one to add to the 'Jason is a selfish asshole' list, he thought to himself.
He'd fallen back into bed with Nico more times than he could count, but it never turned to more than that, more like they were before. Jason wondered if Nico's feelings had watered over the years, maybe or maybe not because of his selfish actions, or if he'd gotten better at hiding them.
It wasn't fair, and he wished he had the balls to ask Nico if he still had feelings for him. But if he did that he would give away that his feelings had never really disappeared, and it might scare him off. All Jason wanted was to be close to Nico, in any way that he would have him. He would gladly take meaningless sex, or just friendship over nothing at all, as fucked up as it was.
Then Percy had talked to him and had thrown a monkey wrench into his whole life. He'd said Nico had looked at the blond fan like he did after he'd pulled Nico from the lake.
Jason had been there that moment, witnessing how Nico's eyes had shone when Percy leaned over him and asked him if he was okay. The exact moment that Nico had fallen in love with Percy.
Of course, he hadn't known that until 3 years later, when Nico had come out as gay and confessed his crush on Percy to the two of them. Percy had taken it like a champ and refused to let things get weird between them, even though he was 100% straight, truth or dare makeouts be damned.
It had taken another year of close friendship when Jason began to realize that he hadn't really been interested in any of the girls he'd tried to date under peer pressure.
A drunken dare where he'd been forced to kiss his best friend had furthered his beliefs that he wasn't exactly straight himself. He'd ended up falling for his best friend and shortly after they had found themselves dating.
Jason had been happy. He was in college, he had the best boyfriend and he enjoyed relative popularity around the student body as the bass player in Thrice Greek, until that one night where it all went to shit and Jason ended up vowing that they'd remain friends.
He eyed the clock. It was almost 6 in the morning and he was exhausted. He rolled around, trying to get comfortable, and he briefly got the idea to get up and slide in bed next to Nico but he scrapped the thought. Not right now.
Nico. When Percy had basically told him to step aside his heart had cracked in two. He would fight for him, try to keep him close, and above all else he wouldn't give him up to some fan they'd only met once.
Then tonight had happened, and while Jason had kept up appearances and smiled at the blond, thanking him for the beers and talking to him like he would to any other fan that approached him, all the while trying to see what the competition was made of, Nico had been left alone. When the blond left, he'd been too busy talking about him with Percy that his best friend had slipped his mind.
He'd failed his friend, and that's what hurt the most. He always went to find Nico when he was gone too long, except for last night. And where Jason had failed, Will had come to his rescue.
He couldn't and wouldn't deny it, not even to himself. Will had managed to get Nico calmed down considerably when Percy had found them, something usually reserved for Jason and Jason alone. He wouldn't let his jealousy interfere with this one, Nico's health and happiness mattered more than some dick measuring contest with a fan.
He was thankful. Will could have easily missed Nico in that alley. Instead he took the time to calm him down, sacrificing his jacket in the process. Jason had meant it when he'd given his hoodie and the guest laminate to the blond. Nico was safe, and he had Will to thank for that.
He didn't know how to take it from here. Last night, he'd pretty much guaranteed that they were to meet again. Which meant that Nico would meet him again too, and if Percy had been right in his observations, that meant that Jason stood a chance of losing the one he loved.
He didn't know if he would be able to if it came to that, but he owed Nico every chance at happiness.
Maybe it was time to let go.
Will jerked awake at the sound of loud pounding on his door. Yawning loudly, he got up from his bed and stumbled over to give whoever was using his door for a drum kit a piece of his mind.
He'd hardly turned the lock before the door burst open, revealing a wide awake Cecil, who didn't hesitate to storm right on in.
"Morning! I brought coffee and bagels!" He dropped a bag full of the breakfast goods on Will's table before pressing a coffee into his friend's hand. "Now tell me everything, starting with... why you look like you just got home an hour ago. Had a rough night, Will?"
Will didn't like to toot his own horn but he prided himself on being a nice guy. That didn't mean that he wasn't going to throw his steaming coffee at Cecil if he didn't stop it with the cheerful morning person behaviour in the next ten seconds.
"Shut up, Cecil. I woke up two minutes ago. Give me a second to-" He yawned loudly and trudged over to his tiny but well-loved couch. "Urgh, what time is it even?"
Cecil laughed and started rifling through the bagels. "It's half past noon."
Will's eyes finally opened for real. "What? Damn, I guess I really needed to sleep." He ran a hand through his messy blond locks and took a sip of his coffee. "Was a bit of a long night." Closing his eyes, he let the sleepy fog clear from his mind, letting the memories of what happened turn clearer. When he opened his eyes back up, he saw Cecil had plopped down next to him on the couch and was holding out a bagel.
"Come on, Will. I called you like five times this morning. I want the details! Judging by how ravaged you look I'd say it went well?"
Will took a bite from his bagel and for the first time that day, looked down at himself. He was still wearing last night's clothes. When he'd stumbled in after getting home last night, he'd barely managed to toe off his shoes before collapsing on top of his bed. He was still wearing Jason's hoodie.
Ignoring his friend's rambling for now, he stuck his hand in the pocket of the hoodie and pulled the shiny laminate from it. So it hadn't all been a bad dream. Everything had happened just the way he remembered.
"How do you still have that thing? Oh my Gods, Will. Don't make me force it out of you! I'm dying here!"
"Nothing happened, Cecil." He sighed deeply. "I still have to process it, you know? I fell asleep right when I got home and I didn't wake up until you tried to smash my door in half."
Cecil frowned. It wasn't like Will to sleep in until past noon. "Have some food, drink your coffee, and start at the beginning. How was the show?"
A small smile tugged at Will's lips. "Amazing. They played some new songs and... It was amazing."
"But?"
"But things got pretty awful after the show." Will said a silent prayer of thanks to whatever God was in charge of coffee as he settled into his couch cushions. "They were in the bar after the show and they had a group of people around them, so felt like I was... I don't know... Intruding or whatever."
Cecil grinned. "Let me guess, you chickened out, got very, very drunk and spent the night in some stranger's bed."
The glare that he received from his friend made him sit back and wait patiently for him to finish the story.
"What do you take me for, dude? No, eventually Nico went outside for a- Did you know he smokes? That's disgusting." Another sip of coffee. "Anyway, he went outside and I finally decided to go for it, so I bought them all a beer and went to return the laminate."
Cecil frowned, utterly confused. Will had a way of telling stories that didn't make sense until he got right to the end. "But you still have it."
Will shook his head, his hair swaying with the movement. "No, I have it again." He took the laminate and held it up in the light before placing it on the table before he lost it. "I had a really nice talk with Jason and Percy, about the band and all that. Just chit chat, really. But it was still so cool to just, I don't know... Hang out with them for a bit without, y'know, crying."
"And what about Mr. Creepy?"
Another glare. Cecil smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. What about Nico?"
"Well, last call rang out and they were getting ready to load up their gear and leave, and I was kind of sad that I didn't get to talk to Nico or even say 'Hi', but what was I going to do, right? So I left, and when I came outside there was like a mob of fans." Will shuddered as the memory played out before him.
"And they were all gathered around Nico. I was kind of happy because now I'd get to say something to him," His voice got shaky as he continued speaking. "So I got closer and, damn, Cecil. It was heart breaking. The guy was like a deer in headlights."
Cecil's frown got bigger by the second. What was it with Will and this band? Couldn't he just have a nice evening with an amazing concert and some great interaction with the band and then go home and live on cloud nine for a solid week or two?
"They weren't even being nice to him, just asking him to sign things and they were taking pictures. It was like a pack of wolves."
"So what happened?" Cecil was almost afraid to ask.
"When I got a good look I... I don't know if I can tell you." Will hung his head low. "It's kind of personal, I guess."
"Personal to you or personal to him?"
"Personal to him, I suppose." Will sighed. "I'm pretty sure it's not out on the streets for all to read."
Cecil scooted closer to Will. "Look, if you don't want to tell me, then don't. But I swear that if you do, I won't tell a living soul."
"I don't know, Cecil."
His friend laid a hand on his shoulder. "Then don't, talk to me when you're ready. Just don't let whatever happened eat at you, okay?"
Will managed a faint smile. "I won't. Thanks, dude. I think I just have to process it for myself, y'know." He caught Cecil's look of concern from the corner of his eye. "I promise you we're both okay and nothing scary happened."
Cecil was about to open his mouth when they were interrupted by a knock on the door.
Will got up to answer, stretching out as he walked over.
When he'd woken up, he had felt as if he had slept for three days. His head hurt and his eyes burned, lids feeling raw and chafed from crying so much.
Nico wasn't a stranger to this, having woken up quite a number of times in the exact same way.
Last night had been awful. He thought he had been ready to face the fans after their show. The venue was small, the number of people there even smaller, how bad could it be?
His nerves had started playing up when he had been at the bar, flanked by his best friends and bandmates. The fans were nothing less than friendly at that time, but he had still felt a bit overwhelmed.
He had chosen to get some air and a much needed cigarette. Smoking was bad, and Nico wasn't proud of it but it had turned into a coping mechanism. The nicotine numbed him, taking the edge off the stress his anxiety caused him.
Stepping outside to have a cigarette had been a mistake. Not only because it was unhealthy and all that, but because as soon as he was finished he had found himself surrounded by fans.
Even though he was well hidden behind a dumpster, and in his all-black clothes he probably looked as if he was trying to become one with the shadows, they'd spotted him and had run up to him, not even giving him a chance to say something or make up some excuse - any excuse - as to why he had to go back inside.
He'd felt cornered, trapped. He remembered camera flashes, lots of voices shouting at him, pieces of paper and pens being shoved in his direction.
He'd stepped back, somehow expecting to find Jason's comforting presence there, but his back was met with cold brick. He couldn't take it. The world started to blur, the voices merged together into deafening noise and all he wanted to do was scream at the world and tell it to leave him alone.
But he'd frozen. Sheer panic had wrapped him in its icy embrace and it wouldn't let go.
Nico groaned as he remembered, wrapping himself tightly in the blanket he was half under as if it were a magical barrier to protect him from the outside world.
He hated the panic attacks. He hated the feeling of utter helplessness that followed after. He hated feeling like a complete loser for not being strong enough to withstand them. He hated clinging to Jason like a needy child. He hated it all.
He curled up, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep and to forget about the whole thing.
As the blanket warmed his body, he was reminded of the night before once again.
There had been a sound. A voice? A yell? He couldn't remember. It wasn't part of the cacophony of voices that were demanding and harsh. He hadn't known what it was at the time, but shortly after the voices had faded and the flashes had stopped.
Unshed tears had made his vision blurry, but he vaguely recalled shaggy blond hair and blue eyes to go with the muffled voice that was apparently speaking to him. Good old Jason.
He'd felt something warm being wrapped around his shoulders, and then the voice had been back. He'd barely been able to make out what it was saying. Not that it really mattered, he hadn't been able to respond other than to shake his head.
The voice had kept on speaking, but it was pretty much all garbled to him. He remembered sinking to the floor and Jason joining him there. Jason had taken his hand and had placed it on his warm chest where he could feel the rhythm of his breath. It was soothing and gave him something to focus on, other than the panic in his head. It hadn't been Jason's tried and true method of calming him down, but at that moment he hadn't realized.
He had felt less light headed as his breathing had become less and less laboured. Jason was always a comfort, a warm blanket that would wrap itself around Nico and stay there until he felt ready to take on the world again. A warm blanket that didn't judge, wouldn't tell him off.
He'd started crying, like he always did when the panic started subsiding. He remembered burying his face into Jason's shoulder and chest, revelling in his comfort, the way he always made him feel safe.
He recalled a soothing melody, soft singing and humming.
Close your eyes, you might see something beautiful
It's not all pitch black in the back of your mind
Close your eyes, you might see something prettier
You pick a dream right out of the night
The next thing he remembered was a second voice. And then a third. They were familiar but he couldn't place them at that moment. Not until he felt a warm hand on his shoulder, and Jason announcing his presence.
Wait.
If he had been in Jason's embrace all this time how did Jason only arrive after he'd calmed down considerably?
He frowned. That didn't make any sense. He had been sure it had been Jason who'd calmed and comforted him. The warmth that had washed over him had to have been Jason's. Not even Percy had ever been able to calm Nico in the way that Jason could. Nobody felt as warm as Jason did.
But the singing, and the different way his breathing had been helped to slow down...
He definitely remembered Jason pulling him to his feet and taking him inside, where Percy had rubbed his back for a bit, but that's where the memory ended. He figured he'd fallen asleep, much like he always did after the drain of a panic attack.
Nico got up off the bed and went to take a shower, trying to sort out his thoughts. Jason, but not Jason. It had to have been him, right? It was making his head throb.
When he checked himself in the mirror after drying off, he saw that his eyes were still red. He looked like death incarnate, dark circles under his eyes standing out against the pale skin of his face, despite having slept a good long time.
After slipping into his clothes he walked into their suite, which was suspiciously empty. His eyes were drawn to a hotel laundry bag sitting on the table by their door, along with a plain brown messenger bag.
Was there someone else in their suite? Maybe Percy picked up another girl, it wouldn't be the first time. It would also explain why he was apparently still in bed at this hour. After all, the times that Nico had been the first to get out of bed were few and far between.
He had some coffee and started to feel like more of a person. He was rather bored without his friends, and he was too confused about his memories to start writing about them in his journal.
He was a curious person, and he liked to nose around, so eventually he couldn't help but being drawn to the bags on the table.
He opened the laundry bag first, expecting to find his clothes from last night, before he remembered that he had still been wearing those when he had woken up.
It was a navy blue woolen coat, with a high collar that felt warm to the touch. He didn't recognize it straight away. It wasn't Jason's coat, and Percy always insisted on wearing something awful. This coat was quite stylish, and he could have sworn that he had seen it before, but the memory had escaped him.
He put it back in the bag and zipped the messenger bag open. There wasn't a whole lot inside. Breath mints, a half empty bottle of water, a small first aid kit, a pen, a wallet, a- A wallet.
He shouldn't. By the looks of it, the bag didn't look like it belonged to a woman, so it was probably not the property one of Percy's conquests.
But why was the bag here? His heart went cold at the thought that flowed into his head. What if Jason had brought somebody home?
Manners be damned.
Nico dug the wallet out of the bag and opened it. Library card, Starbucks card, et cetera. Before long he had found what he was looking for.
New York State
Driver's License
Solace
William
Nico almost dropped the wallet. He knew that name, and as if an anvil dropped on his head, last night's memory became clear.
It hadn't been Jason who had been there for him. It was as he remembered, Jason hadn't shown up until later.
It had been Will. Will Solace, the fan with the beautiful blue eyes. The fan that now owned his old guitar.
He was too shocked to think, staring at the smiling face that stared up from the driver's license. Nico couldn't help but smile back, before he realized that he was smiling at a piece of plastic and he probably looked like an idiot.
Now he knew why the coat looked and felt familiar to him. It had been the coat that had been wrapped around his shoulders last night. The coat he'd unceremoniously wiped his nose on, which explained why it was currently in the laundry bag; Percy or Jason must have sent it to be cleaned when they'd gotten back last night.
So here he was, finally having pieced all of last night's memories together. He felt ashamed that a fan had seen him at his most vulnerable.
What was he going to do? He couldn't pretend that it never happened, as much as he wanted to. What if Will went to the press and told them that Nico was a weakling? He could deal with being called a cold asshole in the media, but he absolutely wouldn't be able to cope if this part of his life got out.
Before he knew it he found himself outside, wrapped up in his own coat, hat and sunglasses -anything to make sure no one would recognize him - with Will's bag slung over his shoulder and the laundry bag in his hand. He hailed a cab and checked Will's driver's license for the address.
After about ten minutes he found himself in front of a nondescript apartment building.
The doubts hit him like a ton of bricks. Why had he come here? What was he thinking? He couldn't do this.
He had half a mind to chicken out and go back to their hotel, letting Percy and Jason take care of getting this stuff back to Will.
No, he couldn't. He couldn't just dump his responsibilities on their shoulders all the time. This was one thing he would have to face. He would go up there, and give Will his stuff back, thank him for last night, and if he had the balls to do it, ask him to please keep the story to himself.
Apartment 7C, or so the tableau near the doors told him. He had his finger hovering over the doorbell while he tried to think of what to say and trying to keep his nerves from sending him right into another panic attack.
Just as he went to press down, the door opened and a woman and child came out of the building. Well, that was one problem solved. Now he wouldn't have to stand on the streets and try to get Will to let him up to his apartment.
He caught the door before it closed and slipped inside. He eyed the elevator and decided to take the stairs. He told himself it was because he didn't like elevators and that it had nothing to do with his nerves and the fact that he wanted to delay this as long as he could.
Eventually, he reached the seventh floor and walked into the hallway.
Apartment 7C. He stood before the door and stared at it as if it might come alive and eat him right where he stood. He was so nervous, a slight sheen of sweat on his face making his glasses slip down his nose.
After what felt like half an hour, he straightened himself out and knocked on the door. His heart threatened to jump out of his chest and run away crying when he heard the soft noises of movement coming from inside.
He had just decided that he would leave the stuff in front of the door and run away, when it opened and he was met with a startled Will, who looked as though he had seen a ghost.
"Nico."
