The Dwarfers had landed Starbug in an open field on Asteroid 9-8808/B. They trekked through the tall grass, trying to keep a low profile, lest they be seen.
"Now we must beware, sirs," Kryten said quietly, holding the Psi Scan out in front of him. "Unlike the GELF Tribes we have encountered before, these are a far more civilized kind. Many of them are fluent in several languages, hopefully some of which are from Earth. If necessary, I shall translate for all of you."
"Everyone ready for this?" Lister asked, tightening the strap on his bazookoid.
"I'm ready for anything," the Cat replied determinedly, grinning widely.
Just then, a huge GELF lumbered past them, not noticing them, but nevertheless, they froze as they watched him.
"I just remembered. I don't know what our napkins look like," Cat gulped.
"Let's go check," Rimmer whimpered.
And they both started to head back, but Lister grabbed their shoulders and they headed further into the forest. "Come on," he grumbled.
After about fifteen minutes of trekking through the wildlife, they arrived in the main marketplace. It was alive with different breeds of GELF and the like, several species the Dwarfers had never seen before.
"Wow, look at all these creatures," Lister half-whispered.
"It's just like a supermarket on a Saturday morning," the Cat agreed.
Rimmer snorted. "Don't be ridiculous. This place is a dangerous free-for-all where everything has its price and violence is never far away and… Actually, yeah, take your point."
"Sirs, suggest we start asking around. Hopefully somebody here will know about Miss Kochanski," Kryten said.
"Psh, forget that," Cat sniffed. "These guys won't help us. Besides, we've got a much simpler way to go about this than just talking to people."
"And that is…?" Lister asked, his brow furrowing.
"We follow my nose wherever it goes!"
And before anyone could stop him, Cat was sniffing wildly at the air. After a few seconds of him waving his nose at the sky, he seemed to pick up on something and followed the scent through the crowd.
They followed the Cat through the crowd, marching single file. He led them past all the lumbering GELFs, dolochimps, symbi-morphs and holograms.
As they walked through the crowds, Lister saw a woman smiling seductively at him from the street corner. Lister correctly guessed she must be a prostitute, but he didn't understand why she looked so human.
"What's she, Krytes?" he whispered, trying not to make it obvious he was looking at her.
Kryten gently tapped on the Psi-Scan and discreetly pointed it in the woman's direction. He took it back and looked at the results. "Says here she's a symbi-morph, sir," he said.
Lister nodded and walked away from the street corner, hoping to keep up with Rimmer and Cat.
"So what's a symbi-morph then?" he whispered.
"A symbi-morph has the ability to psychically link with its master's mind and change on command."
"So it's a bit like a pet like the Emohawk?"
"Precisely."
"How'd it get out here?"
"It must've broken its psychic link with its master and is living out here on the streets, trying to make it on its own."
Lister shook his head. "Man, it's a sad time when the symbi-morphs are whoring themselves for cash."
Meanwhile, Rimmer was almost at Cat's heels, determined not to lose the stupid moggy. As he walked, he noticed another hologram standing at a stoplight. He was waiting for his turn to proceed onwards. The hologram noticed him and raised an eyebrow in acknowledgement. Seeing that the Cat had stopped for a moment to sniff in various directions, Rimmer decided to make conversation.
"Hello."
"Hey," the hologram replied. "What happened to you?"
"Pardon?"
"How'd you die?"
"Oh. Er…Cadmium II radiation. Wiped out the whole crew. You?"
"Wrecking ball fell on me."
"Ouch."
"Indeed. You're a type one, aren't you?"
"I believe so. It's been awhile."
"How'd you get Hard Light?"
"It was a gift from an insane person."
"Nice."
"How about you?"
"I was made this way."
"Oh?"
"Yep. Axis-Syndrome Hologram."
"Axis-Syndrome?"
"Yep."
"What's that?"
There was a pause.
"…I've forgotten."
"Oh. Bad luck."
"Yeah."
The light turned green.
"Well, nice chat. See you around."
"Right," Rimmer said, waving politely.
The Axis-Syndrome Hologram marched away and blended in with the crowd, leaving Rimmer feeling slightly bemused by the conversation.
"Buds, this way," Cat ordered suddenly.
Rimmer looked over his shoulder and motioned with a jerk of the head for Lister and Kryten to follow. They all marched after the Cat, who was gaining speed as he made his way through the crowd.
In the end, Cat led them to a small metal building with a small smokestack on the roof. He led them inside.
"Where are we, Kryten?" Lister asked.
"It would appear to be a local eatery of some sort," Kryten said, looking the building over.
"He'd better not just be hungry," Rimmer grumbled.
They could smell meat cooking and cigar smoke. There were a few creatures seated at tables, but the counter was clear, so they made their way for the barstools and sat down upon them.
The GELF bartender looked up and saw them. He squinted his eyes at Lister for a few moments before he spoke.
"Human?" he asked.
Lister nodded. "Yeah, man. Why?"
The GELF shrugged. "Just curious. Gotta have the right cuisine ready."
"Oh, erm, we're not really here to eat."
"Speak for yourself, bud," Cat snorted. Then he flashed his most winning smile in the bartender's direction. "Whatcha got, bud?"
"What are you?"
"I'm a cat!"
"Huh… Really?"
"You bet!"
"Weird."
"What is?"
"That's the Blue Plate Special."
Cat's grin shattered into a look of fear. "I've suddenly lost my appetite," he said uneasily.
The bartender chuckled. "So if you're not here for chow, what can I get you?"
"We need some information," Lister said.
"We're looking for another human," Rimmer explained. "Female. Last we saw her, she was blonde."
"She could change her hair in a moment's notice," Cat said, his voice full admiration.
The bartender looked thoughtful. "I think I know who you're talking about… Any of you got a picture of her?"
Lister immediately went into his back pocket and pulled out his old leather wallet. He opened it up and almost instantly, several flaps that should've filled credit cards tumbled out, each holding a picture of Kristine Kochanski.
Rimmer rolled his eyes disparagingly.
The bartender scanned the pictures closely before nodding. "Yep, that's her," he said firmly.
"Yes!" Lister exulted, simply elated.
"How long ago was this, sir?" Kryten asked.
"Ooh, maybe a few days ago," the bartender said, scratching his chin. "She ordered steak and chips and then hit the road. I haven't seen her since."
"Did she say anything about where she was heading?" Lister asked eagerly.
"Sorry, no. But she used a business card to pay for the meal. I should have it on file somewhere. Maybe it'll tell you something."
"Cheers, man."
The bartender pulled the computer out of the counter and began to type in the commands. He began trawling the data and soon found what he was looking for.
"Here she is," he said, turning the screen for them to see. "It says here that she was registered with a ship with the registration number 980218809321/B."
"That's it? Just a number? Not the name of the ship?" Lister asked.
"Nope, sorry. But you know what you can do? You can head down to the space port and find out the name yourself."
"Ah, that'd be the big building in the middle of the asteroid," Kryten said, remembering from earlier.
"Great. Thanks for the help, man," Lister said to the bartender as he got up.
"Best of luck to you, my friends," the bartender said, waving goodbye.
The Dwarfers left the establishment and headed for the center of town towards the giant building that loomed in the distance.
"What a charming man," Rimmer mused. "I had no idea GELFs could be so cordial."
"Come on, guys, let's get going," Lister said, following after Kryten.
The spaceport they arrived in looked not unlike a terminal at a bus station, but it was about as big as an airplane hangar. The ceiling stretched several miles high into the sky, housing all the giant spacecraft that hung in the air, in dry-dock.
"Where do we go?" Rimmer asked, looking around the giant room nervously.
Kryten scanned the room. He saw an abandoned computer console was connected into the wall. He tapped his chest a few times in contemplation before walking determinedly towards it. Curious, the others followed him.
"What's this, Krytes?" Lister asked, looking the console over.
"It would appear to be a data center, sir. Just a place to figure out where you are and the like. With any luck, we should be able to get the information we need from here."
"You really think that thing can tell us which Officer Bud-Babe was on?" Cat asked.
"Not on it's own, no. Mr Lister, I shall require the Holly Watch."
Lister was confused, but he unstrapped the watch and handed it over.
Kryten pressed the stud on the rim and aimed it at the computer.
The screen's vertical hold slipped momentarily before Holly's confused visage appeared on data on the screen.
"What's all this then?" she asked.
"Holly, we require you to try and hack into the computer systems here. Try and find a ship with the registration number 980218809321/B."
Holly nodded and began to trawling through data. "Right, hang about…," she said slowly, hoping to make it look like she was only thinking it over instead of struggling to find a way into the mainframe. "Okay, I've hacked into the main computer banks. Going through a list of options… Now going through a list of ships. 980… 2… 188… 09… 32… 1… stroke… B! Got it!"
"What's the data say?" Lister asked impatiently.
"Ship: SSS Legacy."
"Any more details?"
"Captain's name is Sliver. Half-GELF, Half-Simulant. Crew is mostly GELFs and Sims of the like."
Lister stared. "What was Kriss doin' on a ship filled with those horrible monsters?"
"According the Captain's logs, about three years ago, Kochanski's Blue Midget was attacked and crash-landed. She was rescued by the Legacy, and Captain Sliver put her to work cleaning the ship. There aren't that many details."
A picture came up on the screen of Captain Sliver. His face looked more tired than menacing, and something about him put Lister at ease.
"What now?" Cat asked.
"The ship is still in dry-dock," Holly continued. "The shuttle hasn't returned to pick up the crew from planet leave. She's probably around here somewhere."
"Brilliant. We just gotta figure out where," Lister said, taking the watch back from Kryten. "Come on, guys, let's get the smeg outta here and find her."
Putting Holly back into the watch, the Dwarfers made sure nobody had seen them and quietly left the building.
But as they walked out the doors, they didn't notice someone watching them from above. A pair of hot yellow eyes stared down at them…
