I sat at my desk during one of my lessons, patiently reading. The room began to dim and soon enough the window fades into the dark.
"Princess Elsa" I looked up to stare at a faceless nanny towering over me.
"Yes?"
"Sit up straight. You are slouching again" she said.
"Sorry."
"Princess Elsa" I looked in the other direction to see another faceless nanny towering over me also. "you need to rewrite this. It looks very sloppy."
"Sorry."
"Princess Elsa" another one appeared, "do not tilt your head like that when talking to someone."
"Sorry."
"Princess Elsa, you are too old to be playing such childish games" another nanny appeared from the darkness in front of her.
My eyes widen and I stood from my desk but all I could say was "sorry." I turned to walk away but another one appeared.
"Anna is younger than you. That is why" I skidded to a halt as another one appeared. The room was now too dark to see anything except the adults, and I began to run.
I covered my ears and repeated another, "sorry."
I ran past another nanny as she spoke, "Anna does not know any better. She is just a young girl" I nodded hoping that they would leave me alone.
"You have to stop blaming others for your own mistakes" why would they just stop? I already know!
"You are heir of Arendelle, so your studies are important" I am not the heir. I skidded to a halt once again as strangers who had surrounded me began to mumble things I could not quite understand. In the distance amongst the crowd, I could see my family staring at me with nothing but disappointment.
"You need to take responsibility for your actions. No one is going to hold your hand when you become Queen" and I am not the Queen. I am not supposed to be. My head begins to ache as the people started to spin all around me similar to the storm in my room.
"You should know better Princess Elsa" I am not a Princess!
I screamed, "stop" as my surroundings were blocked in a white blast.
My eyes shot open but I was still in the darkness as the scenery faded and returned back into my room. Their silhouetted bodies were pierced and hung from the walls by my own icicles
"No… I did not mean to do that" I whimpered seeing the area decorated with bodies like pictures on walls. I bit my fist to keep myself from crying, turning around to see the bodies building up and appearing from nowhere.
"Anna…" my eyes widen in terror as her young frame hung above the rest. I ran towards the wall and grasped the limbs on the bodies, trying desperately to climb and reach her; however, they were already corpses by then, causing them to fall apart.
"Anna" I yelled and I awoke from my nightmare. I slowly sat up straight to see my new curtains destroyed from the icicles, before burying my face in my hands. I was still tired, but did not want to go back to sleep.
A minute had passed before I heard a knock on the door. I kept quiet though, waiting for them to speak first,"Elsa..." it was Anna. She was the last person I wanted to hear from, or at least right at the moment I wanted to avoid hearing from her.
"...Yes Anna" I replied, wondering what she wanted to ask.
"Um...today...is my birthday..." I looked up and stared at the door with weary eyes. I wanted to go but I did not at the same time. She was so privileged on having a birthday without having to hear about growing up. She could ride her bikes around the halls, make her own snowman when the winter actually comes, dance and sing in the ballroom in the silliest way that she wants.
However, I have to grow up, I have to ensure that my family is safe from me, I have to take responsibility for my actions because I am heir...but I am not, am I?
I am not heir, or at least, I am not supposed to be. Anna is supposed to be heir and yet she always seems as if she wants to have fun!
"...Are you coming..." she softly spoke, and I closed my eyes to calm myself.
"No... I am busy" I had lessons to learn. So enjoy your birthday Anna.
"Please Elsa, I-" Anna tried to quickly respond but my eyes tightened in annoyance.
"I said no" my eyes shot open in anger. I silently gasped and froze as the ice shot from the bed and was only inches away from piercing me. My eyes widened as I calmed myself down quietly and avoided moving.
"...Why are you cold..." she asked, and I stayed silent. "...why won't you open the door?"
"...It's none of your business" I clenched my teeth.
"...ok... I'm sorry Elsa" I could see the shadow from underneath the door frame leave, and I broke the edge of the icicles to give myself space to move.
I glided off my bed and peered out the door to make sure Anna was not there still,"no...I am sorry" I should not have yelled at her like that. I was not sure what came over me, I could only assume that my nightmares were catching up with my stress. I had to be careful with everything.
I was already making Anna's life miserable by shutting her out, despite just trying to protect her, but...why was I so mad at her? It was not her fault that I am... harlot's child. It did not mean that I had any right to take my anger out on her, just because we were not actually sisters.
Since my powers have been getting worse I had to take my lessons away from my bedroom in order to prevent the servants or nannies from finding out. They never question why my sheets or curtains would get destroyed on almost a daily basis.
Actually, I only have it replaced after a certain period of time to avoid them questioning me. If they were to find out about my powers they could cause panic amongst the citizens. Things could get out of hand.
I continued with my daily lessons, making sure that I was not focused on anything else but that. However, once in a while I found my mind replaying the scene where I yelled at Anna over and over again. I felt so guilty for yelling at her like that, as if it was her fault. It was not her fault, if anything it should be mine. Hopefully, she would still come to receive her birthday gift.
As the lessons once again ended early for Anna's birthday I waited in my room this time. I did not want to be so close to everyone like that, because if I was and my powers become more than a hassle, then everyone in the ballroom could end up like in my dream.
Even if me and Anna were not really sisters, I still cared for her. All she wanted to do was be close to me, and it was painful to push her away. In truth, what would I rather have? A lonely sister or a dead one?
I had become nervous as time passed for Anna's birthday. I hoped she was having a good time at least, with or without me. The moment the lights started to go out throughout the castle I strolled over to the piano in my room to wait even more.
I would not blame her if she did not come, I was rude to her after all. She came the last time when I thought she would not, but that did not necessarily mean she would do the same thing today.
She did come for her gift. I played the song on the piano carefully and slow enough to ensure there were no mistakes. There was nothing else I could really give her, and felt that this music could define how much she did mean to me. Even if we were not real sisters.
"Elsa?" she asked through the door.
"Yes Anna" I tried to play if off as if I never said anything before. I tried to act as if I was not rude to my sister earlier today.
"I am sorry" I stopped playing when she said that."I-It was my fault, I shouldn't have asked..." I could hear her take a deep breathe before continuing,"I don't know what's wrong, or why you are distant from everyone, but... that's ok."
I blinked in confusion by my sister's words, but she had more to say,"I just want to let you know... that no matter what is happening I will be right here. I won't ever ask you why you shut everyone out, but I won't give up on you. I won't give up because you're my big sister and I love you. Even if you shut the door on me every day, I will never shut you out."
My hands covered my mouth to keep myself from wanting to sob. I could not reply so with a heavy heart I searched for a piece of paper, and slipped it under the door with the words 'thank you'.
"... Would you like to build a snowman" I heard her cheerfully say, and I smiled happily and nodded.
However my gesture was not the same as my words,"no."
"Ok, Elsa...Good night" I could already imagine her still smiling, even though I rejected her offer. I stood at the door for a few moments before turning back to my bed. Then there was another knock.
"Elsa" it was the Queen. I tried not to think about our talk, but now that I knew I found it so hard to call her mother. It just did not feel right.
"Can we talk?" I nodded but refused to open the door.
"What is it" no matter how hard I tried to sound pleasant, it only came off as rude.
"Your father and I love you. We did not want you to know because" because she was afraid of me. She was afraid of what i was capable of. She was afraid of what I might do to her knowing that she was not my real mother,"we did not want you to feel as if you are not part of the family."
Liar. You are afraid. He was afraid. He was afraid of me and the thought of losing his power. He was afraid of losing his kingdom to a illegitimate child with powers. He was afraid of me wanting revenge.
"I know" I replied.
"It was not your fault about your mother. I still love you as if you were my own child" but if you had to choose between either me and Anna, we know you would have picked Anna. "Still, think about the life you were given. There are so many children that do not have what you have today."
Those words stung me, and all those bitter thoughts were washed with guilt.
She was right, I should be grateful. I know I knew this, but sometimes the feeling kept slipping away due to everything else. I know I should be grateful, but I kept getting angry at things when I should not be. I kept getting jealous, when I had no right to.
The only thing I had a right was to be afraid. Afraid of disappointing my parents. Afraid hurting my kingdom. Afraid of hurting my family. I was afraid of being hurt also. I was afraid that they might end up hurting me.
"I know... I am going to bed" I noticed that the ice still had not completely melted.
"I just wanted to let you know that" no, you wanted to remind me because you are afraid that I might hold a grudge. "Good night Elsa."
I did not reply and sat on the floor against my bed. I buried my face into my knees and closed my eyes to sleep.
I got a few essays this week so I won't be able to post as often for now. I have to wait for more money in order to continue paying for my grammar edit. I have a friend but she fixes it every tues, so i will have to wait.
