Be Still
Santana's POV
It seemed like the world crashed down upon me, landing thousands of tons of weight against my chest as my words traveled across the room, bounced off the walls, propelled back at me, taunting me for the mistake I had just made. The mistake I kept making. It seemed like I was making this mistake every day. Every day, it hurt more. But I knew that no matter how much it hurt me the feeling was nothing compared to the pain that I was afflicting upon Brittany.
"Leave me alone. I'm not yours. You can't control me."
Brittany's normally bright and hopeful eyes transformed into a pair of foreign eyes which were quite the opposite. They were wary and dull, but mostly they seemed betrayed. Her lips which had just been slightly ajar closed as they pursed themselves tightly. A hard line was formed by them. But even though I knew she was trying to be strong and hide that the words had affected her, I could always see through. I knew her body like a cartographer knew a map. I had studied it, drawn on it, and explored it. I had been captive by it. There was nothing I knew more than it. With even a small quiver of her chin which passed within a second, I knew that I had hurt her deeply and it broke my heart.
"I know you're not mine, Santana." She emphasized the use of my full name with a pointed glare. "But you are my best friend and in that way you are mine. It's my job to protect you, to tell you what I see and know, and stop you from doing something which I know will hurt you, even if you won't admit it. Remember in fifth grade, when I was 'dating' that red-headed kid, Kyle? One day when we went out for recess and I saw him kiss another girl on top of the jungle gym. I ran and hid behind some bushes crying until you came and found me. You always found me…" Her eyes glazed over for a second before she shook her head violently, scolding the wall in front of her as if it were its fault that she had slipped up, even in her anger. My heart, for just a moment, felt light again, until her eyes returned back into two round balls of numbness.
She quickly continued on with her story, her voice more controlled, more distant. "You told me, "Forget him, B. Any boy who cheats on you is an idiot and doesn't deserve you. You're the hottest girl at this school. You're the best any guy can get and if he doesn't treasure you, you'll find someone who will." Remember that, San? Any boy who cheats is an idiot and doesn't deserve you! I may not be the brightest flower in the patch, but I know that those words are still true to this day." She took a quick ragged breath in, her strength diminishing.
"It's not the same, B." I crossed my arms, frustrated that she was throwing my words back in my face. And even more frustrated because those words were bashing down the walls of lies in my head, setting off a flashing sign telling me she was right.
She's wrong. I told myself. It's different now. We're not in sixth grade anymore. We didn't have to worry about popularity back then. Now everything's changed and you have to let things slide in order to stay at the top. You have to have the best, even if it hurts.
Brittany threw up her hands in exasperation, a bewildered look taking over her face. "How?" She shouted. "How is it different, Santana?"
I crossed my arms across my chest, straightening myself out, trying to gain some height on her. "We're not eleven anymore. Things have changed." I said, brushing her demand off.
Brittany mirrored my body stance, crossing her arms and straightening up, with the addition to raising a skeptic eyebrow. "Really? What's changed?" She pushed.
"God, Brittany, I don't know! How about everything? Everything has changed since then." I spat at her. My brown eyes burned against her unwavering ones, cursing them for not letting down. Her confidence was through the roof. Usually she would back down by now. She would let me win because she hated fighting.
"So cheating is okay now? Once you turn sixteen it is suddenly okay to cheat on your girlfriend?" She questioned me sarcastically. "So, if I began to date, let's say Finn, and you heard that he had slept with Rachel behind my back, you would say that it's okay? It's okay because things have changed?" She challenged me right there and then, knowing my mind as well as I knew my own. I would never allow anyone to hurt her. I would never allow her to be stepped on, abused, or used.
"Obviously it would be wrong because Rachel is an ugly troll compared to you," I smirked.
"I'm serious." Her jaw clenched as I side stepped her question.
"So am I. Have you seen her nose? She'd probably peck an eye out if she tried kissing someone," I snorted, leaning back against the desk behind me. If I couldn't fight her off, I would brush her off.
"Joke all you want. You know it's wrong. You know the second you heard someone was cheating on me you would 'ends' them." If I hadn't been so mad I would have smiled at her attempt at using my Lima Heights swag. "You would tell me I deserved better, wouldn't you?"
I shrugged, averting my gaze from her because I refused to let myself lie to her about something like that. She would deserve better. She deserved the best. No one would be good enough…
"You deserve better, San. You can't just keep going back to Puck—"
"Don't lecture me, Britt." I grumbled, pushing off of the desk. I turned quickly on my heels and headed to the classroom door. I was tired of getting this lecture from her. This was the exact reason I had yelled harshly at her earlier and I wasn't going to let myself do that again. If I stayed for another lecture, I knew I would blow up again.
I heard her heave a sigh as I stormed out of the classroom, running away from the truth. My feet continued to move, even after I heard a soft call from Brittany. I kept moving until I was out of the school, until I had crossed the parking lot, until I had come to a small park around the corner. There was a silence as all the younger children were still at school. I stopped at that park, sitting down on a bench beside a pond. Silence. I sighed contently. That was what I needed. There were no lies in the air, no stern suggestions, no gossips or quarrels, no flirtation comments or cat calls, and most of all no lectures…
I breathed in the clear air, letting my worries float away in it. Let it go, I told myself, don't let things faze you.
I knew Brittany was just trying to help me, but she didn't understand. She didn't understand how I needed to keep Puck. I needed him because he was at the top. Everyone was either scared of him or lusting after him. If I had him, I had power. I had social status. The minute I lost him I would just be one of those single Cheerios. I would be lost in the crowd of red and white hip swaying Cheerio skirts. Right now, Puck was my best option.
But I didn't understand why he cheated. I was hot. Since Quinn got knocked up she'd been MIA. I was at the top of the Cheerio pyramid. I was his best option. I kept him satisfied, didn't I?
My mind raced trying to find where I had gone wrong.
Last Tuesday.
Oh my gosh.
My mind flashed back suddenly.
Puckerman was fumbling with a condom wrapper and the button of his jeans. Frustratingly trying to multitask.
I rolled my eyes. "You'd think you'd be better at that by now," I smirked, grabbing the wrapper from him and ripped it open with my teeth.
Puck let out a relieved sigh, which came out sounding more like a grunt and practically broke the bottom off his jeans. Eager, much?
I leaned back over and worked his neck, keeping him squirming and breathy.
I'm a slave for you. The words rang painfully loud through Puck's stuffy room. The song acted as if it had some control and even ownership over my body and commanded it to stop touching Puck. I paused and pulled back, earning a loud groan from Puck as he was forced to put me down from his hips. He didn't do it to let me answer the phone though. He was quickly working on unzipping my Cheerio's skirt.
My eyes automatically shifted my attention to the phone though, searching for it through Puckerman's room. It was on his nightstand.
I cannot hold it. I cannot control it. The song continued.
I held my breath, biting the inside of my cheek. That was the ringtone Brittany had set to sound every time she called.
"Come on, baby, just ignore it. She'll know you're busy," Puck mumbled, pulling me closer to try and kiss me. For a moment, I let him.
Answer it, my mind screamed at me, longing to hear her voice.
Shut up! I tried fighting back. We were in the middle of something important. Brittany would be there when I'm done.
I shoved my lips hard against Puck's, trying to drown the music out, trying to drown my mind out. I should have turned off that damn phone.
Puck grinned what I knew was a wolfish grin as he realized I was ignoring the phone call. He took advantage of the moment and began quickly discarding the rest of our clothes. I mean quickly, like as in, it took him a matter of seconds.
The phone stopped ringing. Regretfully that didn't stop my mind from coming back to it. It actually intensified my need to grab the phone and call her back. She'll be worried. My chest tightened painfully because I knew she would and I was ignoring it anyways.
I'll call her back straight after. She knew I was away from the phone sometimes. I could have been in the shower for all she knew.
But what if it was an emergency? What if she needs you?
Damn it. I froze like a petrified animal in Narnia against Puck. I didn't breath, thoughts racing through my head. Scenarios began to overcome my mind of what could be happening with Brittany.
"Are you okay?" He asked quickly, breathlessly. My eyes glanced at his seeing a flicker of concern flash through them. For a scumbag, he wasn't too bad sometimes, even if he was a sex-addicted moron.
"No." The word slipped through my lips so honestly and suddenly that I surprised myself. What was I doing? But my body obeyed whatever was taking over my voice and slipped away from Puck, putting distance between us.
Puck stared at me with a mixture of confusion and disappointment on his face.
I hurried across the room, grabbing my phone hastily. I was going to hate myself if something was wrong.
"Is that all? The phone call? Dude! I thought I hurt you," he grumbled, grabbing his boxers off the floor, angrily. I rolled my eyes, ignored the rest of his pissed off ranting and checked my phone messages.
One new message.
I bit my cheek worriedly as I pressed the phone against my ear to list to the message. My stomach was clenching, making me feel sick. This wasn't normal… I shouldn't be so worried.
"Hey San," I heard Brittany's gentle voice ring through the phone. "I guess you're busy right now. I was just calling to see if you wanted to watch Lady and the Tramp with me and, you know, maybe snuggle… I'm feeling kind of blah today and…" Pause. "I miss you." Click.
It was sort of funny, I thought to myself in that moment, because from just hearing that message my body felt alive and a thousand times warmer than it just had with Puck.
"You're going to her, aren't you?" He asked, plumping himself down in the bed, already knowing the answer.
"It's an emergency," I mumbled, trying to convince him, and maybe myself, that I was not whipped. I wasn't so whipped that I would stop having sex with my boyfriend to check a message on my phone… Whatever. I wasn't.
I ignored Puckerman's comments about the emergency in his pants and quickly pulled my clothes back on.
"Sorry," I threw over my shoulder as I opened his bedroom door and quickly headed out to Brittany's.
Wow… Smooth, Santana. Run out on your boyfriend so you can watch a movie with your best friend. No wonder he went somewhere else for satisfaction. It was probably that night. I bet if I asked around it would have been that night… Puck wasn't one for waiting around… or being loyal for that matter.
I was so stupid sometimes… I don't even know why I had left to go to Brittany's. Sometimes it was just like I couldn't control myself with her. I just had to give in to her. With every look she gave me, I longed for another. With every touch we shared, I was desperate for another. With every kiss we traded, I lusted for more. Why did she always do that to me? Those thoughts and feelings –
Feelings. My whole body froze on the cold metal bench I had situated myself on.
I didn't have feelings for her. Not like…love feelings for her. No. She was a girl. She was my best friend. I only cared for her. That was all. I felt the need to make sure she was okay. Nothing more, nothing less.
My hands clenched in fists as my bull shit radar went off in my head. I had to stop whatever was happening with Brittany. I had to force myself to get out of whatever hold I had been taken into with her. I had to put up boundaries if I was going to be able to stay with Puck—or any guy for that matter— and still be best friends with Brittany. Brittany could not have the majority of my time.
She could not!
She wasn't my….my….girlfriend. She was my best friend.
Those were the only feelings I had for her. I was just overly concerned for her. It came with being friends with her for such a long time. We hadn't had anyone else before high school and I had just familiarized with her and it had become a normalcy to put her first. I just had to grow up and push that away.
Run from the feelings, a voice that sounded extremely close to Brittany's whispered to my mind.
My body jumped in terror as I felt a hand on my thigh. My head whipped wildly to the side and my eyes met a pair of overly familiar deep blue ones. Brittany.
The voice hadn't been in my head. It was her voice. I had been too sucked into my thoughts to notice her beside me.
How had she known what I was thinking? She had responded to my thoughts?
My eyes blinked, confused. "What?"
Brittany turned silent but gave me a knowing look as if to say, "You know what I said, San." I gulped audibly, wondering if she was actually able to read what I had been thinking. She had understood it. But…I didn't actually have feelings like that for her. So, I wasn't running. I was just coming to see that things had to change from the past. That our friendship had become a needy attachment and it was very unhealthy for the both of us.
She rested her head on my shoulder and I flinched. My mind forcing my body to be defensive against the natural feeling it was overcome with whenever she touched me. I was about to push away before the feeling clouded my mind so heavily that I wouldn't be able to think clearly, but she stopped me, grabbing the crook of my elbow gently.
"Stop, San," she whispered. "Just...be still for a moment." Her thumb tenderly caressed my arm, stroking back and forth in a slow, but stable pattern, not wavering for even a second.
I stayed still, not wanting to fight with her. I wouldn't let my mind be fogged by her presence, though. My mind was scrambling for a way to win Puck back and set put some boundaries or some rules for Brittany and my relationship. Friendship, I quickly corrected myself. Friendship.
"Stop," Brittany murmured, pulling up from my shoulder to gaze into my eyes. Her free hand rose and softly rubbed the worry lines that had developed on my forehead.
I listened to her for a second, meeting her eyes. They bore into me like I was suddenly sucked into a black hole and I was fighting for an escape from it. I panicked. Boundaries. Rules. Don't let her take over. My head quickly turned to look at the small ripples in the pound.
Brittany sighed sadly and rested her head on my shoulder again. "Can I say something?" She asked politely.
"Don't ask me stuff like that," I grumbled, hating to think that I was forcing her to ask permission to speak freely. It was a free country for god's sake, she could say whatever the hell she wanted, whether I liked it or not. I would just walk away if I didn't like it or speak freely back at her.
"Any time I get a boyfriend, sleep with a guy or even just make out with one, you tell me I can do better. You always say I deserve the best, not to fool around with a bunch of douche bags. You tell me to wait for the person who will remember the important things, cherish the small things and love everything, even imperfections, about me. You always remind me that I'm special," she concluded, staring out into the pond thoughtfully. I could almost see a wistful look in her eyes.
"You are special, B." I replied easily.
"So are you."
My heart beat picked up against my will, starting to race through my chest as if it were racehorse training for the Kentucky Derby. I held my breath, hoping to slow it down before her ear pressed against my shoulder would catch the quickened beat. Her grip on my arm tightened, only a bit and only for a fraction of a second, but that told me she heard it.
"I know you really want Puck because he makes you feel special. He helps you feel popular and better than the rest of the school, but he's a jerk. You don't need him to rule the school. No one would mess with you. If they did, you would teach them a thing or two about pain Lima Heights style, and they'd run home screaming for their mommies." She chuckled fondly and I smiled timid in return. I knew she was right. I wouldn't let anyone bring me down with or without Puck's assistance.
"The best ones are worth waiting for, Santana," she promised me. The words came out of her mouth as if it were an old cherished message written on a paper with worn creases caused by it being folded and refolded too many times to count. The words fell off her lips perfectly with a forceful meaning behind it.
Silence began to surround us, embrace us and engulf us. My mind chewed hungrily and desperately on her words, trying to decipher them, as if the meaning weren't as simple as it sounded, as if it were a double-sided comment.
Maybe she was just saying that I should dump Puck and wait for Mr. Perfect, whom I didn't believe in. There weren't be a guy for me like that. I just couldn't ever bring myself to tell Brittany that the Disney movies were lies and there was no such thing as true love or happily ever afters. People settled. People settled for security, compatibility and comfort, not because they were head over heels in love and knew they would live happily ever after with each other. But who knows, maybe Brittany would find that true love. If anyone deserved it, she did.
But I wouldn't find that guy, so why wait? Why not stay with Puck? Why not move onto the next football player? I wasn't going to wait around for something that wasn't real. I was in high school. I would play the field. I would have fun before it was too late and I had to settle or be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad. Bachelors always seem to be having fun. I could be a bachelorette for life. A powerful, accomplished business lady who has steamy affairs on the side seemed like an okay life.
"Stop running… Sometimes you have to stop running and hiding and just be still. Just feel. Stop everything else, be still and feel, Santana. That's when you'll know what to do. Follow your heart." Brittany's words came over me like a hushed lullaby and her lips pressed finality and clarity against my shoulder with a warm kiss.
Stop running from me and be still, the words were whispered into my mind in the sweet voice which had entered it early: Brittany's.
Tears clouded my eyes and I turned my head to return the message with a kiss on the top of her head: Wait for me.
With a nod of her head, all went still in the world around us.
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