Dear Diary,

OMG! Last night I was too tired – from doing too much bench press – to tell you this, but during my sweaty work-out sessions, Jessica phoned me and told me that last night she, Angela and Bella went to Port Angeles. When she told me that I was thought, "Why didn't Bella get me to protect her from all those evil people in Port Angeles with my machoness?" but I couldn't be stuffed to tell Jessica. I was angry that she interrupted my weight-lifting.

Anyway, she said that while she and Angela (have I told you about her? She's nice but a bit plain. And, like every other girl in this universe, she has a crush on me) was dress-shopping she went missing for a while. AND WHEN SHE CAME BACK SHE WAS WITH EDWARD CULLEN!

Yes, diary, I know. Edward Cullen is such a stalker. I wouldn't be surprised if he climbed into Bella's bedroom at night to stalk her. Can you imagine that? How stalk-ish is that? I mean, he's already such a freak. Especially when compared to me.

Then why did Bella get into the car with him? Well, she could have been threatened by him, but Jessica said she looked happy…

And this morning he drove her to school! I called her last night after my work-out but she REJECTED MY OFFER TO DRIVE HER SCHOOL! Can you believe that? She turned down a ride in a sexy Suburban with her sexy manly crush to ride in an ugly Volvo with an albino freak.

I knew she was regretting that decision so I tried to be nice to her in English. I asked her about the trip and she avoided answering my question. But it doesn't matter because I know the answer. Of course she had a bad time! Stuck with Cullen…

And then I asked her about Monday night. Did I tell you about Monday night? Ugh, absolutely horrible. Considering how I am Mike and Mike has gone out with, like, a million girls. Sure she had one sexy outfit on with a lovesick look on her face (like all girls when they're around me), but there was no chemistry. Unlike what Bella and I had between us. By sharing one look I knew that the fire between us was still burning.

Doesn't that sound poetic? Wow, so now I am a poet now. Take that, Cullen. I am good at everything. And he's only good at… Nothing, really.

Ooh, being the poet I am now, I feel a poem coming along…

Edward Cullen fails at life.

Edward Cullen cause some strife,

Between my true love and I -

He should go live in a sty.

Absolutely wonderful! I am so good at poetry! And bench pressing! And everything else! I SHALL DOMINATE THE WORLD!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I have such a cute evil laugh.

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Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters, like Mike. And I don't own a Suburban or a Volvo.

P.S. I don't have anything against Volvos. In fact I quite like them.