Dazed and Confused
When Christina told us about the whole Kevin being alive deal I was stunned. The whole time we were there it was like I couldn't speak and/ or think of what's going on. Ian's facial expression was the same as mine. The three of us saw Kevin laying on the balcony of where I used to live, downtown of LA. So there has to be a reason why she is seeing him. Maybe she is just seeing things? Maybe she's just way of the charts of depression.. Whatever it is, it's just creepy how she calls us and tells us that she sees her husband alive and well in her home watching TV. It just something that I can't get over and I don't know about Ian but I really want to see this mystery Kevin in her home that is watching TV.
When Ian and I got home I put the house keys on the counter and kind of stared at them for a minute. I put my right hand on the counter and the other on my hip. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that this is happening. Ian put Micah in her play pan and walked over, he put his hands on my shoulders trying to calm me down, but my mind just can't get off the fact that Kevin could be alive and well in Christina's apartment . I know full well that he passed away, there isn't anything that comes to mind that something could have been wrong or… I don't know but it's just something that my mind just won't wrap around my mind.
I turned to see Ian taking off his jacket and started to think of what would have happened to Ian. If the same thing happened to Kevin, well if he did pass away like he did. If that happened to Ian , I don't know what would happen. I am not happy about the fact that he comes ago, it's just that I love him too much to get mad at him or kick him out. I just hope when Micah gets older I hope she understands of what her father does helps put food on the table. We won't know until she gets older. The one thing I remember when I was younger that our uncle told us that when our mother was pregnant with Amy that our uncle was making fun of the fact if it was a girl that our dad should watch out about her getting pregnant at a early age. When our uncle was 16 he got a girl pregnant and he is older than our dad. The thing that I have in common with my dad and he is lenient towards me because he knows how it works with having an older brother or another sibling. Whenever I had a problem I would go to him, but when it came to Ian my dad would totally avoid it because he didn't want to hear my mother complaining about how much of a bad influence he was on me.
My father always told me that it's who I want to date and who I fall in love with. He also told my mother that I will learn from my mistakes. I have learned a lot from him and when he passes away it will be very difficult for not only me, but it will also be hard on my mother and sister. His the only person in his family that is alive. My grandparents pasted away when I was 3 and my uncle and my dad were the only ones that were left. When my dad goes on the only ones that will pass on his blood is Amy and I kids. I am hoping Micah will be my only child. On the other hand, Amy has two boys of her own. Micah most likely will be the only girl, maybe it's too early to think about it now. It would be cool to have another kid and if we do I am hoping it will be a boy.
Ian sat down on the couch rubbing his eyes. I sat right next to him with his arm around me and I have my head on his shoulder. We are watching Micah play with her toys, which me smile and chuckle a little; well the both of us. I heard Ian sigh and put both arms around me. We started to horse play for a few minutes until the fun rang. I had Ian pinned on the couch while the phone was going off. I flew over the couch to run to the phone. When I picked it up, it was Amy basically hysterically. All I could hear was her saying that dad was in the hospital and that I should hurry. I know for a fact of what hospital that he would be sent to. I told her that I will be there soon and I will be on my way. I slammed the phone, grabbed the car keys. I kiss Micah on the forehead and then to Ian on the lips.
"Cass, where are you going?" He said worried.
"My dad is in the hospital." I yelled back while running out the door. I didn't know what I was thinking but I ran out the door just to go see my father. It's the first time in a few months that he has been there. I am hoping he isn't going to go out on us sooner than we expected.
When I got to the floor the security told me to go to and what room he was in I basically have tears going down my face because of how much I don't want him passing away. When I got to the room Amy is outside the room up against the wall, when she saw me she walked over to me and started to push me away from the door. I kept trying to move away from her and trying to get past her to get to the room to see our dad but she won't let me because she knows our mom won't allow it. But in my head our mom has to get over the fact that when it comes to my father… Our father passing away then our mother has to deal with the fact that I am going to be around to see him.
"Cass, you know how.."
"MOVE!" I interrupted. My uncle on my mom's side helped Amy out by trying to keep me away. He pushed me up against the wall to make me stop. He doesn't like how my mother, his sister is treating me, but at the moment he doesn't want to disrespect his sister's wishes of not having me in the room for the moment. When he said that she didn't want me in the moment I knew deep down inside that she didn't want me coming inside to see my father.
"Todd, please let me see my father." I am looking him dead in the eye with crimson eyes with tears going down my face. He let me go.
When I got into the room I was devastated of what I saw. My dad hooked up on to machines like the last time when he was here when we first found out that he had lymphoma. Now to know that his going to finally going to leave within minutes. It is going to tear me up deep down inside. I stopped in my tracks and put my back on the wall, I put my head down and started up crying again. My mother came up to me and put her hands on my face. She put her hand under my chin and brought my head up. She wiped away the tears, I looked to the door and the tears start to roll down my face again. She made me look at her again, wiped them away again. She put her hands on my face.
"I love you and I hope you forgive me for everything." She said. I didn't know what to think, but I thought what my dad would say to me. I hear Ian's voice from outside the door with baby Micah.
"Cassy come over here please." My dad a bare of a whisper. I sat on the left side of him with my hands into his. I can't look him in the eyes. I am just looking at his hand just trying to avoid the tears flowing again.
"Cass, look at me please?" He whispered. I closed my eyes and the tears won't stop. I look up to him.
"You know how much this family means to me….. " He started coughing.
"Dad please…."
"Cass, I want you and Amy to try to put this family together…. I want Ian to be part of this family." He said with a tear going his face.
"Dad I don't…."
"I want you to do this for me." He interrupted. I brush my hands through my hair and look through the window.
"I am scared to bring Micah in here." I said trying to the hold the tears back. He nodded his head yes and my mom called them in.
When Ian came in with Micah I have not seen my dad's face bright up like that before in a while. To see almost a smile on his face. I see Ian and my mom look at each other. I hope over these next several months that they can get along. We won't know when we leave here. As we are watching my father play with Micah and enjoying our companying for at least an hour and a half the nurse kicked us out. Before I left the room I told him I loved him and I kissed him on the cheek and walked out the room with my hand in Ian's looking at Micah with half of a smile on my face. As we were walking down the hall way down to the elevator, I couldn't help it but realize that Amy had a rash on her arm. I told everyone to hope into the elevator and that Amy and I will catch the next one.
When the door closed I pulled Amy around the corner to talk about her arm. She at first told me that it could be an allergic reaction to something that she ate. But every time I would ask her a question her answer would change. In the past she used to use drugs when she was under stressed about something. When out father is basically on death's door I know that she is using again and it's something that she needs to get it checked and that she needs to get help. She has in the past when we were in High school, she hasn't done anything since from what I know and that fact that she is starting now is going to freak me out. We started to fight at first and it got to a point when she pushed me away and got into the elevator when it came back up. Instead of going into the elevator I just walked down the stairs. When I got outside she is already by the car with our mother hold Micah. Amy twirls with her with a smile on her face. When I look at my mother I see a smile on her face for the first time when she is around Ian. So I really hope that my dad's wishes do come true for this family to come together.
When I got to the Ian's car I leaned my back against the side of the hood with my arms folded hoping that there won't be another conflict between her and I. There is just one thing that is going through my head that wants me to tell our mother about the whole deal with Amy doing drugs deal, somehow it's going to be brought up in a conversation. I look at Ian to see him and my mother finally talking and compromising on a few things which I didn't focus my attention on what they were talking about. From what I am remembering from this morning that the feeling I had are now gone and away, but a little of it is still there. I am still confused about it. I still can't get over what Christina told us before bolting out the door to come see my father in the hospital. Ian turned my way, he waved me over to his side. When I got to his side he kissed me on forehead and put his arm around me. To see a smile on my mom's face without it being forced with my dad being around is warming. In a way I think she wants to put everything behind her not because our dad asked her to, also she wants to welcome Ian to the family. So far I love this change in her, so far I know that both of Micah's grandparents on my side and his will be around for birthday's and holidays.
Amy is heading to the car so she can take our mother home, I took my mom aside and brought up the rash on Amy's arm and a few markings around it. I told her that I didn't bring it up to her. I just kind of wanted to her and not have a fight right in front of Micah. My mom agrees and hugs the three of us and told us that she will see us tomorrow or some other time of the week. I haven't gotten a hug from her in awhile and to finally get one from her was great, it made me happy inside to know that she really wants to restart our relationship of a mother and daughter, also she wants to finally take Ian into her life. I guess it was good that we brought Micah into this world. I am just wish my uncle was here to see the family coming together and also to be here for his brother, but to also know that his in a better place now is a good thing and that he isn't suffering. I put Micah in her car sit while Ian gave my mother a hug for the first that I seen them ever do that ever since the two of us known each other. When we were younger my mother had no problem with him, it was just when I was hanging out with a bad crowd in the end of my middle school year, also how I was about to go to the influence of drugs until I was pulled away from all that by my parents, a few of my teachers, and a couple of counselors in the beginning of my sophomore year of high school. Ian at the time wasn't around when I hung out with them. When I hung out with the bad crowd Ian was with Kevin and Christina. My mother always thought or probably still thinks that he was the one that brought my attention to that. I would explain to her it wasn't, it was just the kids in my classes that I would talk to and who Kevin talked to when we had one class together.
When I got into the passenger side of the car and buckled myself into the car Ian is stunned of how her mother is now starting to change. I look at him with a smile on face to see him blushing a little bit. I punch him on the shoulder with a smile on face and he chuckles. As we were heading to the house I was thinking that we can head to Christina's to go see her for a seconded, at the same time Ian wants to go home to get something to eat and we also have to feed Micah... Plus she needs a diaper change to. The whole time we were in the car I have been either thinking about Amy or Christina. To know something weird is happening between the two is weird. Ian will always tell me to avoid any problem and not to get involved when there will be an issue with something that can cause a dilemma with the whole family. When it comes to my sister doing drugs again, I don't care if the whole fights; to get her health back and her not over dosing is a thing I want for her and the same for our mother. Both of our parents were glad that I didn't get into that because they know with the seizures it will cause a series of problems, also they know that they know I would never get into drugs but when I was hanging out with the bad crowd they were thinking the best not only for me, also for Amy to.
When We got to the house I headed right into the kitchen to make lunch. Ian put Micah in her play pan and stretched when stood back up. He laid down on the couch to close his eyes for a few minutes before we start cleaning up the apartment. As I am starting to make our sandwiches a knock at the door caught me off guard a little because usually when someone comes over we either get a call or if we are with that person and they are coming with us from somewhere. Ian got up from the couch. When he opened the door I heard a little girls voice that is unfamiliar. Not any of the neighbors kids. When I came to look to see how is here. It is a girl about 5 or 6 with a bag right next to her and a cab driver giving a note why this little girl is here. Just from the looks of it he already knows who she is. When I started dating Ian again was the beginning of last year. Around the time that I haven't seen Ian was right around the girls age. I look at Ian than to the girl, I kind of see a resemblance between the two.
"Ian who is she?" I asked with curiosity. He looks back at me then leans up against the wall, with his head down, kind of refusing to look up.
"Her name is Kelly… She is my daughter… Micah's half sister." He said looking at Kelly. I put my hands on my hips and walked back into the kitchen. In a way I can't really say or do anything because with that gap is his problem and it's something that I shouldn't get mad at. I am not going to fight with him because it's a sibling to Micah, but at the same time I told Ian the day we got married that I asked him and he asked me who we dated and if we had any other kids. I guess he forgot about Kelly or he just didn't want me knowing at all.
Ian told her she can sit down on the couch and flip through the channels. Ian came into the kitchen with the not in his hand. He put it on the counter and is now waiting for me to answer. I kept making lunch avoiding the fact that his there. I walk past him and asked if Kelly wanted anything. She walks over to me and I grab her hand and walk her to the refrigerator to see what she wanted. When she got what she wanted, it is a slice of cheese pizza that we had yesterday, grapes and water. When everything was finished I placed it for her on the kitchen table and I went back to what I was doing, plus I am still avoiding Ian because I really don't care that much for what happened or hear an explanation from him right now.
"Hun, can we please talk about this?" He asked looking a little upset and little bit serious.
"After I feed our daughter." I said not really caring about what he is about to say. I went to go grab Micah I wanted to hit his shoulder because he wants to stop me so we can talk. I got our daughter and put her in her high chair. I went to grab her food and sat it on her tray.
Ian walks into the living room with me right behind him. I know what he wants to talk about and to be honest it's something that's not going to bother me. It is now but it's something that I can leave alone. I sat on the couch with him sitting right on the coffee table right in front me. I have my arms folded and knowing that we both are going to be upset about. I look up at Ian waiting for him to say something. His looking for the right words to tell me without wanting to throw anything at him. I lean forward, I put my hands on top of his and smiles.
"what ever happened when we weren't together is fine. I don't care that you were with someone else and had a kid. I still love you either way." I said happily. It's what he did and I know that I can't get mad over.
"So you are okay with Kelly being around?" He asked and it seems he is about to cry a little.
"Yeah, I have no problem with it. The only thing is bothering me is that you neglected to tell me about her." I said with some what a smile and upset.
"Sorry it's just that…"
"Hun I don't need an explanation. All I know is that she is yours and that fact that Micah has an older sister. I have no problem with it now." I said smiling. He smiles back. I get up from the couch, I play with his hair as I walked by him and head back into the kitchen to check up on the girls.
"I love you." He said aloud.
"I love you too and now what do you want?" I replied sarcastically.
"You know." He said chuckling.
After everyone was finished eating I cleaned all the dishes and put them away. After doing all that I asked if Ian can stay here with the kids as I walk two block to Christina's house so I can check up on her. As I got down to the street I met up with Allen. The both of us caught up for a few minutes and I told him that if he wants to go see Micah and Ian, he can just go to the house and walk in. As I got to Christina's apartment door, it was open. Cracked a little… As I pushed the door with my pointer and took baby steps inside the house I didn't hear a thing. But as I heard something bang up against the wall all I know is that I ran outside the front door and…
"Thud!"
