Cause I'm not a pawn for you to play in your fucking game
I've got dignity and a dream that I want to achieve
VII.
Promises
My heart was beating so loudly, I thought everyone in the courtyard could hear it. I could barely breathe, and I felt the sweat streaming down my face. The gun was shaking in my hand—it wasn't like I'd never held a gun before, I'd held one. I'd even fired a gun, once or twice, but I'd never shot anybody before, even though I'd always thought I'd be able to. Now I was suddenly realizing what a huge deal that would actually be.
"What now?" Old Man Wu snorted, "You're just a scared, simple-minded child, anyone can see that."
All his men were staring at me, emotionlessly, and I knew they were all agreeing with him. Even Hakkai probably thought that at this point.
"Shut up." I growled. "Let's go." I prodded him with the gun until he got up, limping a little on the knee I'd kicked. I nudged him toward the exit. "That way, jackass. Move it."
His men watched, ready and calm. Way calmer than I was.
"Go!" I stuck the gun against Wu's back, barely took my eyes off him to look at Hakkai, "Let's go."
Hakkai stayed perfectly still.
My heart started hammering even more wildly. Would he bail on me? Now? In this critical moment?
To my relief, he edged after me, scanning the crowd of soldiers as he went.
I watched them too, sure one of them would get gutsy and make a grab for their gun—if they did, I'd have to live up to my word and kill Wu, and then I'd probably get shot too. The ring I was wearing was pretty fancy, but I couldn't quite believe a bullet to the head wouldn't be the end of me.
"There's no way out of this, Gojyo." Wu sneered. "You'd be a fool to take a man as powerful as I am hostage, and even if you get away today, what's to keep me from hunting you down?"
"I said shut up."
"Face it, you're up a creek, and you just threw your last paddle in the water."
It's not like I had a choice…We backed through the exit. The men inched forward.
I screamed, "You fuckers stay put, got it? Or I'm gonna' shoot the old man!"
"Wait here, boys." Wu said casually, "I'm sure I'll be back sooner or later."
They stayed where they were, and I made my way to gate Hakkai and I had come through what felt like forever ago. I felt like I was going to throw up, and I was sweating and shaking so bad, there was no way everyone didn't see it.
Wu laughed at me, "You're terrified, aren't you? Dare I say, you're even more afraid than I am?"
"You're not the one who's gotta' live with your filthy blood all over him for the rest of his life if somebody fucks up here."
"True enough. Why don't you spare everyone the suspense and stop this? For your own good?"
Come to think of it, that might be the smartest thing to do? Just throw the gun down now and hope they spared me.
If he does, Dasha won't.
"It's not too late you know." He wheedled. "There's still time to hand over the ring. We won't even worry about the medallion today—you can go home and pull the blankets over your head and pretend this was just a nightmare."
Hakkai's eyes met mine, at last, "Gojyo-"
"Shut up, Hakkai. I got this, okay? And you." I punched Wu in the back, "Fuck yourself."
We had come to the stairs now, and I had no idea what to do next. Leave him? Take him with me?
I shoved ahead of me, keeping the gun pointed at his back. "Move it."
The three of us started down the stairs. Wu tried to walk slowly, maybe to give his men a chance to think of something, but I hurried him along, continuing to look back up toward the temple, just to make sure they weren't coming.
"You." I waved the gun at Hakkai, "Up front. Now."
He gave me an angry look, "You're going to death march me too now?"
"Just do it, Hakkai." I snarled.
He edged his way around Wu, taking the lead.
At least now if this idiot's men came and started shooting at us they'd hit me or their boss before they hit Hakkai, and I still had the ring on my thumb.
We finally made it to the bottom of the staircase—I felt like it took a million times longer than climbing up had, and the sun was starting to set. I was surprised I hadn't puked all over Wu's back yet. "Now." I shoved him forward, and he limped a few feet away from me, turning slowly to face me. I kept the gun leveled on him, wondering if I'd be able to shoot straight when I was shaking like this. "On your knees."
"Gojyo." Hakkai protested loudly, "This is insane! The man is unarmed; just-"
"Shut up!" I roared, barely recognizing my own desperate voice in the stark air.
Wu sank slowly to his knees, the one I'd hurt earlier buckling as he did so, and he clamped his hands on top of his head, but for the first time, he looked like he might actually be afraid, and that was good enough for me. "Think clearly, boy. Think about your role in this world. What do you suppose will happen if a hanyou like you kills a rich human like me? You will become the epitome of 'being made an example of.'"
"Gojyo, he's right. Think about what you're doing!"
"QUIET!"
They were silent, but only for a second, before Wu warned me, "Kill me now, and that bounty on your head will never go away."
I leaned down, practically spitting in his face, "Quadruple the fuckin' bounty, for all I care. I'll never back down just because some rich asshole tells me to."
Wu shook his head at me. He started to say something—something demeaning and aggravating, I was sure—but I pistol-whipped him in the head, as hard as I thought I could get away with, and he slumped over on his side without so much as a moan.
"Gojyo, you…"
I didn't hear what Hakkai said. I was busy. Busy scanning the area. They weren't coming after us yet. I didn't see men on the steps. I didn't see men on the road, or lying in wait in the field around us. It looked like I might be able to get away. If I moved now, before they could get their asses in gear. For all I knew, they were watching from up there, waiting for their chance.
"Gojyo? Are you listening?"
No. No, I didn't have time to listen. I shoved the gun into my hoodie pocket, all-too-aware of how obvious it was there, its bulky shape standing out against my stomach, and then put my brother's knife back into the waistband of my jeans. My hands were shaking so bad, it was a miracle I hadn't pulled the trigger on accident, or just dropped the gun. My whole body felt shaky like that, knees buckling like they couldn't even hold me up. My heart rate was insane, like I was on crack or something. I just wanted to fall down right there and then.
"Gojyo." Hakkai grabbed my shoulders, obviously trying to bring me back to reality.
"Stop it." I shoved him off. "We don't have time. We have to go."
"Go where?"
"Home. Now." I wrenched the ring off my thumb, shoved it at him, "Hold on to this 'til we get there."
He took it slowly, studying me with eyes, wide and distressed, "Why did you have to do that? Why didn't you just-"
"Look, I'm sure you got a ton of questions, but just don't ask, okay? Not right now."
"When?" He demanded. "You don't seem to have any intentions of giving me a straight, honest answer. Ever."
"Yeah, well, I thought you said you trust me."
"After what you just did? I don't see how I-"
"I did it to get us out of there!" I shouted at last. "So he wouldn't kill us! What's the big deal? So I held the bastard at gunpoint for what, twenty minutes? He shot me! And ring or no ring, that fuckin' hurt!"
"Calm down. You're-"
I had no desire to hear what he planned to say, so I snapped, "Hey, don't you have a class to get to?"
"I'll more than likely be late anyway. We-"
"Then let's get moving. Before he wakes up, or they come after us, or something else happens."
Not waiting for him to answer, I turned and started walking up the road, got a cigarette out with still-shaking hands, and smoked it in what felt like two seconds. Half a pack later, I finally felt calm again, and Hakkai hadn't said a word.
"I wouldn't have killed him." I said when my heart was beating normally. "I just had to get us out of there."
His voice was shadowy, "In all my life, I've never seen anyone do anything so desperate."
"Yeah, well you better get used to it." I scuffed the toe of my boot along the road. I was nothing if not desperate, and I had been for all my life.
"By the way, I do still trust you. If I didn't, I would have stayed there, or else run away."
"I…guess that makes sense…"
"What doesn't make sense is why you're doing all this and why you're so obviously willing to do anything required to succeed."
"I don't expect you to get it."
"Well, you told Mr. Wu that you have too much at stake to just give up. If I may ask, what exactly do you have at stake, because as far as I understand, your boss has promised to pay you; nothing more."
I thought about it for a while, trying to decide if I should answer him or not. Part of me wanted to tell him the truth, and the rest of me wasn't sure it was a good idea. I knew I couldn't get away with not saying anything. "Carte blanche." I said at last.
"I beg your pardon?"
"It's a blank check."
"Don't you think I know that?" He asked scathingly. "I don't understand why you're using it here."
"Isn't it obvious? Dasha told me he'd give me whatever I want most if I get this done for him. I don't know if he'll actually give me anything, but it doesn't matter."
"Doesn't matter?" He sounded incredulous, "You may not get anything for all this trouble, and it doesn't matter?"
"The only thing that matters is that I tried in the first place."
"Well excuse me for disagreeing, but I think it does matter. Whatever it is you want the most, I highly doubt it's worth this agony. And the mere possibility of getting it certainly is not."
"I decided it is, and you can't talk me out of this."
Hakkai stayed quiet for a while, and I saw the frown on his face, "This is getting dangerous. No. It's been dangerous right from the start—we've been shot at and chased and given frightening premonitions of how this will end—and for the life of me, I can't figure out why I'm still allowing you to do this, much less why I continue to involve myself."
"I don't get it either." Not that he could stop me, even if he tried, but he could get out of this whenever he wanted. "But I appreciate it." I added quietly.
Hakkai didn't say anything else for the rest of the walk home, and I just figured he was pretty mad about the whole thing. By the time we had to part ways, it was getting dark out, and I thought he might have missed his class, so I broke the silence, "Sorry, man. I guess I kinda' wrecked your whole day."
He turned to give me the ring back, along with a serious look, "Frankly, I'm tired of these life-or-death situations we keep getting into thanks to this job of yours, but I know better than to think you could go alone and come back alive, so all I want now is for this to be over as quickly as possible."
"It will be." I cursed myself mentally for being such an asshole. Hakkai was a saint, going with me over and over, even when he knew that we were probably going to be in danger, just to watch my back. I had to admit, the day I'd asked him to go to Wu with me, it was because he was there, willing and ignorant, and I could use him, but now, I'd be genuinely upset if something happened to him because of me. I thought of last night again, and how he'd been so insistent and reassuring, and how he'd held onto me, how he'd somehow known that it would make a difference.
No. No, I definitely didn't want anything to happen to Hakkai.
"Then the deal is, you locate that dagger as quickly as you possibly can, and I'll go with you one more time, and that had better be the end of it."
I couldn't do anything but repeat myself, "It will be, Hakkai. I promise."
HakkaiWeeks passed, but I didn't see Gojyo, and for all I knew, he'd gone and gotten himself arrested, or killed or worse. I tried not to worry, but it was strange. For almost six months straight we'd been seeing each other nearly every day, and then, after I handed him Durga's ring, he seemed to vanish out of my life.
I threw myself into my studies, working that much harder on my schoolwork, and told myself it didn't matter to me, but I knew that it did. For whatever reason, I'd never felt so bound to a person before in my life. I'd met an average amount of people in my sixteen years—fellow orphans and students, well-meaning guardians and kindly strangers—but I'd always held the world back at an arm's length, observing those around me with boredom, and sometimes, disdain even. It had never mattered if people wanted to befriend me, and those who had tried failed miserably and became discouraged quickly. Even now, my fellow students in university misunderstood me, and my relationship was far from intimate with any of them.
But somehow he had gotten under my skin, I thought, and sometimes, the thought was resentful and annoyed, because I didn't know how he'd done it so seamlessly and quickly, and others, it was wondering and bewildered, because no one had ever done it before. I thought of what the Book of the Ancients had told me
'…The two of you are bound by the ties of another lifetime…'
Whatever the reason, I couldn't not care when I knew he might be in danger. I couldn't help looking for him when he disappeared. The best I could do was try to fool myself into thinking that it might be for the greater good, and lie to myself that I wasn't waiting for him to come back when I really was.
It felt clingy and obsessive, and frankly, rather silly, to spend my time wondering and worrying about him, even more so when I felt myself starting to sincerely wish that he was beside me, but I recognized that I'd never had a real friend before in my life, and whatever else Gojyo was—a lunatic hanyou with what seemed to be a death wish—he seemed to be a true friend. Not that he'd ever had an opportunity to let me down, but something deep inside told me he wouldn't even if he got the chance.
So when almost a week had passed without seeing him, I looked for him. Despite Hyoka's warning about An Jin, I went into the city. I went to Gojyo's apartment and knocked, but no one answered. Still that didn't stop me from returning the next day, as well as the day after that. I scoured through Jin, eyes eagerly searching for even a single strand of crimson hair, but I found nothing.
It was as if he'd dropped off the face of the earth, the only trace of him left behind were the wanted posters, which seemed not only to be everywhere already, but were also rapidly multiplying. That was a good sign though; as long as someone was still putting wanted posters up, it meant they hadn't caught him.
Just the same, when three weeks had gone by, and my school semester had ended, and I had a short vacation, I decided to go into An Jin in the morning, turn the whole town upside down, and I was determined not to leave until I'd found Gojyo. It didn't matter if I had to go into the seediest whore house in the city.
Unfortunately, on my way out, I came across Quing and Liling, who, naturally, wanted to know where I was off to and what I was doing. I lied and told them I was running a few, simple errands.
"You could run errands in Cheng." Quing said, as if I didn't remember, "What do you have to go to An Jin for?"
"I suppose I'm looking for a change of pace." It wasn't a lie. After weeks of school and class and studying with the same boring, unimaginative, little people, I felt almost as if I were jonesing for Gojyo's crude sense of humor and immature games. Even more than that though, I missed his brash honesty and his tireless spirit.
"We'll go with you!" Liling decided, putting her arm through mine. "It's been a long time since we hung out."
"Oh. Well…that's… I mean, I'm not sure if that's a good idea, Liling."
"Why not? We'll keep you company."
"I wouldn't want to get you in trouble."
"You won't! It'll be fine. Right, Quing?"
"Sure. Besides, you might need some back up." He smiled at me, what I knew was supposed to be a friendly smile, but I just felt all the more annoyed.
However, I soon learned just how determined they were to accompany me. Nothing I said deterred them, and if I was too obstinate on the matter, I knew they would start to question what I was telling them, so in the end, I had to let them come along.
From there on out, I felt perpetually irritated. Liling and Quing were giggly and obnoxious all the way into An Jin. Quing complained about everything, and Liling wouldn't stop trying to flirt with me. Normally, their behavior didn't bother me, but today I couldn't ignore it and act as I usually did. I suppose I was concerned about finding Gojyo, and having the two of them with me made it seem all the more unlikely that I'd see him today. Not to mention that while I was searching for my friend, frantically almost, they were distracting me and questioning me and sometimes physically pulling me along to look at whatever had their interest at the moment.
Never the less, I did my best to keep my temper as we made our way through An Jin, from top to bottom. After all, it wasn't their fault this was happening.
For a while, as I hunted through the residential districts, both of them complained of boredom, asking me why we weren't in the more popular parts of town, and then, of course, they came up with all different sorts of ideas for where they wanted to go and what would be fun to do. After some time, Quing even became impatient and demanded, "Hakkai, what are you doing?"
It was all I could do not to snap at him, and I reminded him, as calmly as possible, that this was my trip to An Jin, and that I had my own agenda to fulfill, adding lightly that if they weren't enjoying themselves, they were welcome to explore the town without me.
I couldn't quite understand why they chose to continue walking with me, but they did, behaving a bit better now, and I continued my search.
An Jin wasn't very large, and it wasn't long before I'd been through most of it. I went to as many places as I thought Gojyo might frequent, but he wasn't in any of them, and by the time we reached the shopping district, I was feeling rather certain I'd never see him again. It could be that he'd left town all together.
Jien and Quing tried on scarves and hats in a shop across the street while I sat down on a low, brick wall, more annoyed and unhappy than ever.
Maybe that's for the best. If he gets away from all this…
I didn't want to admit that I was hurt that he left without saying goodbye, but in truth, I could hardly believe he would do such a thing.
"Hakkai!" Liling laughed, waving a scarf at me, "Come over here!"
Not answering, I continued to brood.
"Come on, don't be boring!"
I barely managed to bite back a mean remark. It was becoming all the more difficult to keep from taking my frustrations out on the two of them.
They called to me a little longer, and then, eventually, gave up, started looking through a rack of coats instead.
I told him I would go with him. I reminded myself. Would he leave town, even knowing I'm still willing to help?
There was no help for it though. I might have to accept that Gojyo was gone, and I'd lost the closest friend I'd ever had before I could really even get to know him.
I was just thinking about getting up and going to Quing and Liling, telling them I was going back to Cheng, when someone snuck up behind me, wrapping one arm around my neck and covering my eyes with their hand. "Guess who."
I recognized the teasing, playful voice as quickly as I recognized the smell of cigarette smoke and rain, and my heart skipped a beat, but I hid my relief and said,
"I apologize, professor—I know I'm not supposed to be in town, but it's an emergency, you see. My idiot friend has dropped off the face of the planet, and he owes me money."
Gojyo let go of me, leaning around to glare at me over the tops of the dark sunglasses he was wearing, "I don't owe you money."
"Ah. Don't you? I apologize, I must be thinking of some other idiot friend who's dropped off the face of the planet."
He grinned, puffing his cigarette, "I don't know how you'd mistake me for some idiot."
"It's surprisingly easy when I consider some of your past behavior. Joking aside though, where have you been?"
"What, were ya' worried?" Gojyo hung his arm off my shoulder.
"I haven't seen you in over three weeks. Granted, that's not really all that long, but considering the circumstances, I think even you can understand why I might be a little concerned."
"Sorry, man. I been layin' low."
"I came to your apartment on numerous occasions."
"Like I said, layin' low. If anybody comes to my place, I'm not home."
"You could have warned me you were going into hiding, you know. At any rate, have you had anymore run-ins with Mr. Wu?"
"Nope. It's weird." He pulled himself up onto the wall beside me, "I thought he'd show up at my place and raise hell or something, but he's been staying away."
"That's odd. And no one's tried to turn you in for the fifty million yen?"
"It's two-hundred million now." He said, much, much too calmly.
I nearly fell over backward, "Excuse me?"
"Bastard quadrupled it, just like I dared him to."
"And yet no one has tried to capture you?"
He shook his head, but I wondered if he was lying just to set my mind at ease, considered his attire for a moment. Along with his typical, black leather pants, shredded t-shirt and pitiable hoodie, he was wearing a beanie-style hat, and the sunglasses
Gojyo seemed to notice where I was looking, shrugged at me with a plaintive smile, "It's the best I can do, man."
"Dying your hair and cutting it is completely out of the question?"
"Damn straight. My virgin hair's not getting raped over this bullshit."
"But you don't honestly thinking wearing a hat and some glasses is what's kept you from being arrested so far."
"Hell, I don't know. It helps me sleep at night."
A small group of people walked past us, and I noticed they gave him a long, hard stare, whispered to each other, but kept going.
Gojyo fingered his scars, "No matter what I do, there's no hiding these."
"What do you intend to do?" I tried to look him in the eyes, but with the sunglasses on, I couldn't so much as take notice of where he was looking, let alone get any idea of his expression.
"Finish the job and see what happens."
I knew I didn't have to tell him that wasn't a sufficient plan. Gojyo wasn't so stupid as to think that finishing this job and receiving his so-called 'carte blanche' would be enough to get him out of this predicament. Still, he seemed so calm, I wondered if he was afraid at all, and that made me think of how frantic he'd been at the temple, shaking and snapping at everyone, even me.
"What about the dagger?"
Gojyo frowned intensely. "I can't friggin' find anything out about that goddamn thing, Hakkai. No matter who I talk to, no one knows anything about it."
Then that was why it had been so long since I'd seen him.
"I mean, it's hard enough getting information, but having to sneak around and lay low, and go incognito everywhere…shit. I don't know if I'll ever find that thing."
We were both quiet for a while, and the crowd continued to pass by; across the street, Quing and Liling were looking at cages full of birds, laughing and poking their fingers through the bars to pet the animals. Everything was exactly as it had been fifteen minutes ago, but I was surprised to find how much better I felt, just because Gojyo was with me.
"Are you worried?" I asked in passing.
"Nah, I got plenty of time to figure this out."
I looked at him, reproachfully, "That's not necessarily true, now is it?"
"Dunno." He finished one cigarette, immediately lighting another, "My boss gave me all the time I need, basically…"
"But Wu won't lie in wait forever."
"Yeah."
"You have to do something."
"I don't know what to do, Hakkai. I feel like I'm at a dead end."
How painful would it be if he'd gone to all this trouble, only to be incapable of completing the task? Not only would he definitely not be getting his carte blanche, but Wu wasn't going to leave him alone until he had his medallion back, and perhaps the other items we'd taken as well.
"Don't worry." I advised, "We'll figure it out. In fact, if you want, I can do a little research on the Ruby Dagger at my school library; that might yield some useful information."
"You don't have to do that, man." He faced me seriously.
"Obviously, if I didn't want to help, I wouldn't bother coming here. Also, for future reference, it's incredibly difficult to help someone when they mysteriously disappear for almost a month."
"Oh yeah. Sorry to worry you, Mom. That reminds me: you bring any food?" He looked me over, like he expected to see a sack lunch appear.
"Not today. I honestly didn't expect to find you. My apologies."
"It's all good. I'm sure I can scrounge somethin' up downtown. You should come with me—I got somebody who wants to meet you."
"Someone wants to meet me? I didn't realize anyone in this town knew I was alive."
Gojyo looked almost embarrassed as he stood up, "Yeah. Well. I…guess I mentioned you to her once or twice."
"Her? Don't tell me you have a girlfriend."
"Ha. Me? No way. What about you? You ever hook up with that girl from the café?"
"Not as of yet."
"Dude, what are you dragging your feet for? You gay?"
"Certainly not. I haven't found the opportunity yet is all."
"Whatever." He graciously decided not to mention I'd had all the opportunity in the world that day at the café, and I was grateful for that. "We goin' downtown or not?"
"Actually, I'm not sure that today is a good day."
"Eh? But you came all the way down here to find me. I'd be such an asshole if I didn't take you some place cool."
"I don't think that necessarily constitutes you being an asshole, and in any case, it's just that today-"
"Hey, Hakkai!" Liling shouted, and I looked up to see she and Quing coming across the street toward me, each carrying a bag of things they'd bought in the shop. "I got something for you."
Gojyo stared at her with interest, and I already knew what he was thinking. "You got a girlfriend, Hakkai?"
"Of course not. She's just a fellow student."
"She's pretty hot."
"I'm not sure she's your type."
He snorted, "Every chick is my type."
"Yes, I'm well-aware."
Liling and Quing stepped up to us, side by side, looking Gojyo over. Liling seemed curious, and Quing looked nervous, and both of them appeared to be more than a little judgmental.
"Who's this?" Quing demanded.
"Who're you?" Gojyo shot back, through a breath of cigarette smoke.
"We're friends of his." Liling said casually. "Are you selling something?"
"Sure am." Gojyo got to his feet, with a devilish grin, lingering close to her face, "Want a sample, princess?"
She blushed a little. "Um, I…"
Quing shoved his way between them, "We don't need anything you have."
Gojyo's eyes narrowed, and he snarled a little, "I'm not offering anything to you dumb shit."
"So why don't you back off?"
"Look, pussy, you're the one interrupting me. Get lost."
"Make me."
I thought it was strange that timid, little Quing was standing up to anyone so much taller and leaner than he was, wondered for the first time what his exact motives for always hanging around Liling were.
"Don't tempt me, kitty cat." Gojyo looked more than ready to take the first swing, and after some of the crazy things I'd seen him do, I didn't doubt he'd take it.
"Now, now." I said automatically, "There's no need for violence. I think we can all be friends."
Quing glanced at me, even while Gojyo was still staring him down, "You know this whore, Hakkai?"
"Whore?" Gojyo snapped. "I was offering the lady the time of her life for free."
The blush on Liling's face deepened, and Quing looked that much angrier, confirming my suspicions, but I knew I needed to neutralize the situation as quickly as possible, rested my arm on Gojyo's shoulder, much like he usually did to me.
"That's rather rude, Quing. I think you ought to apologize."
"That's right, queef. Apologize, and I might not turn your face to pulp." Gojyo relaxed a little, slinging his arm around my neck casually.
Finally, Quing seemed uncertain. "You actually know this guy, Hakkai?"
"As a matter of fact, we're old friends."
I saw Gojyo stick his tongue out at Quing out of the corner of my eye, nudged him for it.
Quing was anything but happy as he muttered, "Sorry. I didn't realize…"
"No harm, no foul." Gojyo said good-naturedly, startling me with how willing he was to drop it, especially when I could clearly see the contempt in his eyes.
Liling giggled nervously. "It's nice to meet you…"
"Gojyo." He grinned at her again. "The pleasure's all mine, sweet heart."
"I'm glad to see Hakkai has a friend somewhere. It seems like he's always by himself."
"What?" Gojyo turned his full attention on me again, "You don't have other friends?"
"Er. Well, I…that is. You know how dedicated to school I am." I didn't like feeling put on the spot like that, and it was embarrassing that he thought anything of it to begin with. I suppose I had just assumed he realized that I was relatively friendless, but then again, I had never told him.
"Man, you know what they say about all work and no play."
"It makes jack a dull boy…"
"Nah. It'll kill ya'."
I laughed, "Oh, I'm afraid I learned that one differently."
Liling and Quing both looked stunned. "You're laughing…" Quing murmured vaguely.
"Am I? You must excuse me. It's not often I hear a joke I like."
"It wasn't a joke." Gojyo said immediately. "It's totally true. I knew this guy—real bad case of workaholism, completely co-dependent—dead by twenty-two. It was sad."
I shook my head, "Well, at least you're in no danger."
He scowled at me, but it wasn't very sincere, and I knew he was just playing along, "Oy. What's that supposed to mean?"
"Only that you'll have to find a more creative way to die, I suppose. Lung cancer. Or perhaps, liver failure."
"Anything sounds better than dying face down in an open book."
"Now you're just being silly: I know full-well you don't even own a book, and those sordid magazines that serve as reading material at your apartment don't count."
"Don't knock my magazines; they've got some good shit in them."
"Oh, but they exercise other muscles than your brain, don't they?"
"What do you know?" He shoved my head down suddenly, ruffling my hair, and I laughed some more.
"This is weird…" Liling commented out of nowhere. I'd all but forgotten the two of them were standing there.
"Right? It's like a whole different side of Hakkai." Quing didn't sound so much amused as he did disapproving.
"Don't mind us." I advised them. "We're always trying to improve each other through constructive criticism is all. Some of us have more room for improvement than others, of course."
Gojyo let go of me and went back to smoking peacefully, "You'll get there one day, buddy. We can't all be damn-near perfect."
"I would be terrified to spend so much as one second in your twisted, little world."
"Yeah, I'm not exactly begging to walk around in your shoes either. "
"Then shall we agree to disagree and call it a day?"
"As long as you come downtown with me."
"Oh." I frowned, "Yes, but Liling and Quing-"
"Hell, bring 'em along. It's no big deal."
It wasn't a big deal to him, but I minded very much, seeing how I couldn't guarantee that Quing and Liling would keep their mouths shut about where we went and what we saw there, and also because, I didn't want to get them in trouble, and Quing seemed reluctant to go too, made up a couple shabby excuses before Liling interjected, enthusiastic as always, to go some place new, and then of course, he was willing. I decided there was no help for it, and we all followed Gojyo downtown.
Along the way, he joked more with me, and laughed, and seemed to be in high spirits, regardless of the difficulties we'd experienced while getting the Goddess's Ring. It made me wonder, as I often did, if he honestly let things go that easily, or if he was just good at hiding his real feelings.
I also wondered where we might be going and who he knew that wanted to meet me, seeing how bringing Quing and Liling was inconsequential.
We walked almost all the way back to his apartment, and I noticed Quing and Liling becoming more and more nervous every step of the way, keeping close together and glancing around for danger. It got bad enough that Gojyo eventually started walking beside Liling, telling her there was nothing to be scared of, and proceeded to flirt with her, shamelessly.
Quing was infuriated by the sight, I could tell, but he kept his mouth shut. He must have sensed that, because they weren't dating or anything, he had no right to object. Or perhaps he'd realized that Gojyo could easily take him in a fight. Quing might have been older, and heavier, but he wasn't muscular or athletic by any means, and Gojyo was the very definition of scrappy.
When we were just a few blocks from Gojyo's apartment, we took a surprise right turn, down a dank, little alley way, through what almost seemed to be a market, where the vendors were selling stolen goods, drugs, imitation antiques, and weapons, and the area was littered with prostitutes of both sexes.
One man stopped Gojyo, smiling, and they bantered and laughed for a time before he attempted to sell Gojyo something. Drugs, I think. I looked on nervously until, to my relief, Gojyo answered, "Nah, not today." Then we were on our way again, three blocks up, one more block over, where Gojyo walked through a door in the wall, leading to an unmarked tavern that could be easily missed unless you already knew it existed.
The three of us entered a bit more cautiously, but I relaxed at once. It wasn't as seamy as I had expected it to be. Granted, it was a bit tattered, and filled with cigarette smoke, but it was mostly empty; the piano music playing in the background, the pocked, hard wood floors, the dusty, crystal chandeliers, and the faded, red wallpaper, all indicated that, at one time, this may have been a place of class.
"Come on in." Gojyo waved us forward, gave me an especially cheeky grin, "Not too bad, huh, 'Kai?"
"I must admit, you had me worried."
"You know how much I hate worrying you." He had his arm hooked over my shoulder again, guiding me toward the bar.
The other two followed us, whispering.
The bar was unattended, as best I could tell, which came as no surprise, since there were only a handful of patrons, quietly sipping beer and playing cards, but Gojyo knocked harshly on the polished top of the bar, calling, "Yo, Tai! It's your favorite customer!"
A moment passed, and then a woman came in from the back room. She was very striking: a youkai woman, in her late twenties, I thought, with the height and muscular build of a young man, though with the trim waist and broad hips and bust of a full-grown woman. Her face was lovely, with large, soft, kind eyes, and full, red lips. Still, she looked tough, and running a bar in this part of town, I had no doubt that she was.
"Oh, it's you. I thought someone said my favorite customer came in."
Gojyo smiled at her, folding his arms across the bar, "Hey-ya, Mama. The usual."
In spite of his flippant tone, and the obnoxious grin he was giving her, I detected something else in his eyes. At first, I thought he might be completely smitten with her, but upon further inspection, decided that was not the case. He wasn't looking at her as if she were any sort of lover, and from the way she looked back at him, I got the impression they'd never had sex, and they never would. In her eyes, he was just a little boy, far from home. In his, she was a guide, a friend, and a mother.
But. I thought at once, That is not something he necessarily sees himself.
Tai leaned over the bar to sweep the hat off his head, leaving his hair disheveled, then, with a faint chuckle, smoothed it for him, "I haven't seen you in such a long time, I started thinking you grew some brains and got out of this worthless town."
"Oh, c'mon. I'd never leave without saying goodbye to you."
"Well, I'm touched. But it still might have been better if you had." Tai surveyed the rest of us, "What's with this field trip you brought in here? I can't even sell them anything." Even as she spoke, she was getting him a beer. I suppose she had no more reservations about serving him alcohol than the last bartender I'd met had.
"Charge 'em for water, or Coke or something."
"I'll have some water." I interjected at once. "As long as I'm not being charged for it, that is."
Tai's eyes settled on mine for a time, "This one has some guts at least. Your name wouldn't be Hakkai by any chance, would it?"
"Um." I glanced at Gojyo, who happened to look away as soon as I did, "Yes, I'm afraid so. Cho Hakkai, at your service." I offered my hand to her.
She smiled slowly as she shook it, "You're different than I pictured."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I'm sure you've seen some of the scumbags this one tends to choose for friends."
I smiled at Gojyo, "Oh, but I thought Mr. Banri was such a fine, upstanding young man."
He just snorted, "Banri."
Releasing my hand, she turned to Gojyo as well, words suddenly becoming weighty and somber, "Well, he is one of the better ones, isn't he, Honey?" I didn't detect even the slightest hint that it might be a joke.
He looked back at her, like he was trying to decide on what he should say. Maybe he didn't like that she'd said something like that in front of me.
Before either of us could comment though, Tai said, "Anyway, I'm glad you came. I've been wanting to meet you."
"Ah. Is that so? I'm flattered. I hadn't realized he's been talking about me."
"I just mentioned you like once." He said suddenly.
His face looked a little red, so I laughed at him, "Well, is there something wrong with that?"
"NO. But she makes it sound like I go on and on about you, or some gay thing."
Tai laughed at him as well, and then she said suddenly, "Hakkai-kun. Would you mind helping me in the storage room? I have a few things to move, and I could use a little help with the heavy lifting."
I was surprised, partly because she looked strong enough that anything she couldn't life I probably couldn't either, and partly because I thought it was a request she should have made of Gojyo, but I stammered, "Oh, yes, of course."
"I coulda' helped you, Tai." Gojyo frowned.
She patted his cheek lightly, "Enjoy your drink, baby." Then she led the way into the back room, hands on her hips.
I looked at Gojyo, but he just shrugged at me, turned his attention to the beer, and I slipped away after her.
"Wait. Hakkai!" Quing called after me, "You can't just leave us here."
"I'll be right back." I answered, with a reassuring smile. "In the meantime, you can all get better acquainted."
The storage room was small and dank, the walls made of old stone, but there was a bright light, and everything was organized and clean, the floor seemingly newly swept. Tai was already grabbing up cases of alcohol and setting them on a dolly, not appearing to need any help whatsoever, but when I came in, she looked up and smiled at me, tucking a lock of hair that had fallen loose behind her ear, "Bring that stack of boxes beside you here, won't you?"
I turned to find the stack she was referring to, began transferring them onto the dolly as well.
"You know, Hakkai-kun, even if Gojyo denies it, he really does talk about you a lot—of course, he tells me more than he tells most people, …well, not that he tells me everything—I know him well enough to be able to tell he really likes you."
I hesitated to look over my shoulder, through the door, at Gojyo, but he was occupied with flirting with Liling again, not paying any attention to us.
"Still, Gojyo has a way of making the wrong kind of friends. I wasn't sure what to expect, and I guess that's why I wanted to meet you. The kid talks like you're so much different from everyone we know, I couldn't quite believe it."
Now I wondered what exactly Gojyo said about me, though I suppose I could infer, especially if the way Banri had talked to him on the two occasions I'd encountered him was typical, and he was still 'one of the better ones'.
"I can see it though. When I look at you, I know he's right. You are different from Banri and Dasha and the others. You're a good person."
"I'm not sure if that's necessarily true, Miss Tai." I thought of the day I'd killed the man in Ying, barely suppressing a shudder.
Tai stood up suddenly, fixing both of her sweet amethyst eyes on me, "You know, don't you? Gojyo's a child of taboo."
"I'm aware, and we've already dealt with any…controversy…"
She looked hard at me, and I detected protectiveness in that gaze, so I added,
"I don't care in the least."
Tai's face switched to relief suddenly, "I'm glad. I hadn't quite decided what I was going to do if I found out you were tricking him or taking advantage of him, but I told myself I couldn't ignore it, if it was that way.
"For the most part, where some of the others are concerned—not Banri necessarily—there's nothing I can do. In many ways, there's nothing anyone can do for Gojyo, and I know he knows that. I feel like a lowdown bitch having to stand by and watch him go through so much prejudice, but I know that if I get involved too much, I could make everything worse. So I'm here for him the best I can be, when he lets himself be weak enough to admit he might need someone to go to, and there's nothing else I can do."
"Then the reason you wanted to meet me is to make sure I'm trustworthy?"
Perhaps it sounded like an accusation, even when I didn't mean for it to, and then Tai's voice became hushed, "Not everyone is as kind to Gojyo as you've been. Most of the people in this town treat him like shit, whether it's because he's a hanyou, or because he's a gutterpunk, or because of the way he lives his life."
I thought of the things Banri had said to him the night I was at their apartment, and of the woman who'd stopped to talk to him at the restaurant, the day we first met, and I had to ask, because I knew I could never ask him to his face, "Gojyo's not really a prostitute, is he?"
Tai wrinkled her nose, "I don't think so. That's the popular rumor, but I think it generated because he sleeps around enough to be one."
It felt like a somewhat inexact answer, but it did put me a little more at easy.
She came to my side suddenly, eyes a little wider than before, clenching my hand between hers, and I noticed that she had a firm, masculine grip as well. "Tell me, Hakkai-kun. Do you care for Gojyo?"
"Care for him? I'm not sure I understand…" I thought she may have interpreted my question wrongly.
"You care about him? The way he cares about you? The way he talks about you, always 'Hakkai this' and 'Hakkai that', I know you mean a lot to him; he looks up to you, and he trusts you, and meeting you, I can't help but feel that you must feel that way toward him too."
Again, I couldn't help looking over my shoulder at Gojyo, and this time I watched him a long while. He was bickering with Quing, his arm draped over Liling's neck. The same rude, naïve, immature person who'd been holding a wealthy man at gunpoint just a few weeks ago. How had I gotten involved in any of this?
…bound together by the ties of another lifetime…
I still didn't know what that meant exactly, but I thought I was beginning to understand, just a little. I thought of the conversation we'd had on his birthday and how determined I'd been to make him believe me, and how much it meant to me, what he thought in the end. I'd fought so hard to get him to listen to me.
"Yes." I said at last. "I do."
Tai looked earnestly into my eyes, "Listen, I know you're just a human, and on top of it, you're just a kid, like him. But, I want to ask a favor of you, Hakkai-kun."
This was beginning to confuse me a bit.
"What favor?"
"Help him. Whatever you can do…" She shook her head, suddenly, like she hardly knew what she was saying herself, "I don't know what you can do, I guess. But… Gojyo is gambling in a game with higher stakes than he realizes, playing with card sharks, and he doesn't even know it."
"Yes, I've noticed that."
"He won't listen to me, no matter what I say, no matter how much I mean to him, he's too stubborn; but I think he'll listen to you. If the two of you honestly care for each other the way you say you do, then he trusts you, and if you tell him you think he should do something, for his own good, I believe he'll do it."
"I…don't necessarily agree—he's absurdly stubborn—but in case you're right, what is it you want me to tell him?"
Tai's eyes grew dark, and her mouth twisted in an angry frown, and she looked suddenly fierce. I thought her very beautiful for it. "Tell him to stop fucking around with Dasha before it costs him his life. He needs to get as far from this place as he can go."
It was a frightening message, and her expression and frantic voice made it that much more ominous. I was still a moment, and then I leaned forward, practically whispering, "This Dasha person…who in the world is he, and what does he want?"
Tai shook her head again, in an agitated, alarmed manner, "Of all the people in this town, he is the one man who you do not want to mess with. He runs his operation like a small-timer, but he has more thugs at his disposal than anyone realizes. He has a lot of wealth and power, and he runs everything on the black side of this city: the drugs, the weapon dealings, most of the saloons, all the casinos, all the whore houses, and most of the prostitutes. You'd be hard-pressed to walk through the slums and not find someone who wasn't wrapped around Dasha's finger some way or other.
"But the worst part is, Dasha is twisted and psychotic. He's violent, sporadic, and unfeeling. He'll kill you for looking at him wrong, and if you make him angry—if you really do something to upset him—you'll disappear into the darkness of his horrible, little world, and never come out."
She looked away, sadly, "I had a sister who got involved with Dasha. Some said she was his mistress, others that she was just his favorite whore—I never found out the real truth—but either way, she was in the thick of his mess, and when she found a good man who she honestly loved and tried to get away from Dasha, she and her boyfriend both disappeared. I hope for their sakes that they're both dead, Hakkai-kun."
Her voice chilled me, and I shuddered, "Why is Gojyo working for such a man?"
"I'm not sure. It was Banri's idea, he says. But that doesn't matter. What matters is, if he keeps doing what he's doing, and he gets in too deep—if he winds up owing Dasha a lot of money, or, God forbid, a favor—he'll disappear too, and I'm terrified of what might happen to a hanyou when no one is watching."
I was too, now that I thought of it, considered the photo I'd found in the school library. That heinous crime against a hanyou had been documented, so what might have gone on before the camera captured that gruesome image?
At last, I laid my free hand over hers, "Don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to Gojyo: I won't let it."
What a stupid promise. I knew it was absurd, even as I said it, because I was only sixteen myself, and a human to boot. What could I do?
Tai knew too, because she smiled contritely.
No matter. "I'll get him out of here. I'll help him finish this ridiculous assignment he has, and then…"
If I had to give him money, or tie him up and throw him in the trunk of a car, I would make it happen.
The only thing I was afraid of was, I wouldn't be able to abandon my full-ride scholarship, drop out of the university, and go with him. I might never see him again.
Tai touched my cheek, speaking reverently, "He's right. You are different."
To that, I could only chuckle a little. "Oh, but really, I'm lucky to have met him."
Tai's eyes flickered a little, "He's so-"
"Hey, what're you guy's doin' in here?" Gojyo stuck his head through the doorway, "Makin' out?"
I was startled, turned around quickly but managed to keep a cool tone, "Don't be ridiculous. Tai's at least ten years older than I am."
"Oh, yeah, you care about that. So what's takin' so long?"
Tai went back to gathering the cases onto the dolly, "Don't be so nosey, kiddo. We were just having a conversation."
Gojyo looked at me, like he expected a different answer.
"We really were just having a conversation." I said with forced levity, and all the frightening things Tai had told me were sitting in the bottom of my stomach like a pile of rocks.
Twisted. Psychotic…
I didn't want…
He watched me a moment. "Well, your friend is whining about wanting to leave. He's driving me fuckin' crazy."
"I see. Perhaps we should go then. Miss Tai?"
She smiled at me, the worry hidden behind kindness and gentleness once again, "Of course. Get out of here."
I bowed a little, "It was a pleasure to meet you."
"Yes, it was good meeting you too. Come back some time."
"I certainly will."
Quing and Liling seemed more than happy to get out of the bar and be on our way back to Cheng. I got the feeling that the day's events had made them more nervous than they were letting on, and it bothered me that I still didn't know what they would do, knowing what they knew now. They walked ahead of us, talking, about what, I decided I'd rather not know. Gojyo trailed along with me a while, but when we got near his apartment suddenly announced that he'd be going home.
I rested my hand on his shoulder before he could run off, requesting quietly that he walk a little further with me.
He shrugged, dug out a cigarette, and we kept going.
I lowered my voice so the others wouldn't hear us, "Tai seemed to think you should leave town soon."
"She always thinks that."
"And why do you suppose that is?"
Gojyo gave me a questioning look, but I continued facing straight ahead.
"I don't know. She doesn't think I can take care of myself, I guess."
"I'm not sure that's it, Gojyo."
"Well, why do you suppose that is?"
"I'm not sure. It could be that you're in more trouble than you realize. Or than you let on to."
"What are you talking about? What did Tai say to you?"
"She's concerned for you is all. She thinks you're playing a game that's much more dangerous than you think it is, and that perhaps the stakes are higher than you've anticipated."
A dark, cloudiness filled his eyes, and he almost seemed to glare, but he continued walking and smoking, not saying a word.
I stopped him abruptly, turning to look deep into his eyes, "I think you need to get away from Dasha. Maybe Banri as well, I don't know enough about the situation to say for sure. Either way, I've seen and heard enough to know that this is not a safe place for you."
"What do you know about it, Hakkai? Who are you to come along—I've lived here for two years, I've known you for a few months—what gives you the right to just show up in my life and start telling me what I need to do?"
"Don't be angry." I said quickly, softly, "You're not an idiot, so I know you realize what I'm saying is true."
"I can't just leave. How many times do I have to say it before everyone gets it? I can't go home, pack up my shit and take off. It isn't that simple. If there's any way to get Dasha all kinds of pissed off that would be exactly it: leaving in the middle of this stupid, little project he gave me."
"Naturally, I assumed that. Which is why I think we need to find the Ruby Dagger as quickly as possible, and then…"
He waited a moment, "Then what?"
"I…just thought perhaps you could use the carte blanche you have coming to you to get away from him."
Gojyo stared, disbelievingly, "You think I'd waste my blank check on that?"
"It's not a waste if it saves your life."
"I have other shit I need it for."
"Oh, what? Money? Women? Whatever mindless, childish prize you've fixed your eyes on, I don't think it could possibly be even half as important as you getting away from that man."
Gojyo bared his teeth at me, something I hadn't seen since the day we'd first met, and it made him look all the more youkai, "Mind your own fucking business, 'cause you don't know shit about Dasha, or my carte blanche, or the 'mindless, childish prize' I'm after, you got that?"
"Don't. Be angry." I repeated calmly. I was beginning to feel a bit flustered, but I refused to argue with him this time. It was possible Tai was right. I might be able to reason with Gojyo, if I kept my composure. "You're right, I don't know very much about the situation, but I know enough."
"Who do you think you are, Hakkai? You can't just order me around."
"I'm not ordering you around. I'm trying to help you."
"You-"
"Gojyo. I will be at Cheng for the next two years, after that, having graduated with my degree in theology, I'll be able to spend my life as I see fit. I'll only be eighteen years old. In ten years, I plan to have a good job, with stable income, perhaps have some traveling under my belt, and I assume I'll be looking to start a family, assuming I find someone to love me. That's what we call a plan."
I looked at him carefully, "Where do you think you'll be in ten years?"
Gojyo snorted, blowing a violent puff of smoke from his nose, "No idea. I'm not a 'plan it out' kinda' guy—I'm just…here. And before you say it, it's impossible for me to go out and make something of myself: I don't have the whole world at my fingertips like some people do." He said the last part quietly enough that I knew he wasn't trying to insult me.
I rested my hands on his shoulders, "All right, so you're just here. What, may I ask, is so wrong with being here? You still want to be here in ten years, don't you?"
He didn't answer, just gave me this slightly hopeless look.
"You don't want to die."
"No…I don't."
"Then you have to get out of this town. Don't you think?"
Gojyo said nothing.
I tightened my grip on his shoulders, "Be honest with me, Gojyo. Do you really think you can continue skating by this way, playing with this fire? If you stay in this town, do you honestly think you'll be alive in ten years? If you are, and you stay here, what kind of life do you expect to be living? Or should I believe you're completely stupid and haven't considered any of this at all?"
"I…" He raked the hair away from his face, "You're right, okay? I know you're right. I gotta' get out of here. I just can't yet. And I can't use my carte blanche to do it. I need it for something else."
"Well, that's some progress at least. So stop messing around with Dasha, find that dagger, and get as far from here as you can."
He nodded slowly.
With a slight smile, I gently, affectionately slapped the side of his face. "Let me know when you find out where it is—I'll go with you."
"'Kay."
Considering his dismal tone, I studied his face, saw the frown and the cloudiness still in his eyes, "Hey."
"Hm?"
"I have your back, dude."
That brought a vague smile to his lips, but the mirth didn't touch his eyes. "I know."
"We are going to figure this out. Together. I promise."
