Mutant babies, hyper blue pixies and cheese?

The next day at Hogwarts was just like any other day you'd expect to see at Hogwarts, right now, the entire school was in the great hall for their morning breakfast and Dumbledore had become addicted to fast food so the whole school was at the moment,feasting on pizza huts, KFCs, burger kings and McDonalds.

"Oh big mac, where have you been all my life?" Ron said as he devoured his first ever big mac.

"Hey, you're wand is shooting fireworks from it's end" said a random Gryffindor student, pointing at Ron's wand.

"No freaking way" Ron yelled as he yanked out his wand to find it almost snapped in half and shooting multi-coloured sparks from it's end.

"How did my wand get like this?" Ron moaned.

"Maybe it happened after we crashed into that whomping willow" Harry replied "you were too busy being a wimp to notice."

"That's all I need" Ron moaned. Harry simply shrugged before noticing some weirdo little kid taking photos of him.

"What the hell, stop doing that." The little kid put the camera down and grinned insanely at harry.

"Hiya Harry, I'm Colin creevey, I'm your biggest fan, I'm going to spend the majority of the story stalking you like the obsessive fan I am, taking pictures of you and generally bugging you in any that I can." said the little first year Gryffindor boy.

"Oh great, that's what I've always wanted, my biggest fan following me around all day long and taking my pictures" Harry said in a slight sarcastic tone "it's just what I've always wanted."

"Yay, I love it when you're sarcastic" said Colin as he yet again photo. Suddenly, Ron weasley's owl, Errol came flying towards Ron, dropped a red envelope on his head before passing out on the table, having some kind of seizure then soiling itself. Ron picked up red envelope and his face turned a shade of white.

"What's the matter with you?" Harry asked "you're looking at it like it's a bomb or something."

"It's it's it's…" Ron whimpered.

"A Howler" said Neville longbottom in a dramatic voice "I got one from gran but I ignored it. I've regretted it ever since."

"mmmmmmm" Ron whimpered "I can't do it, I can't open it."

"You best open it Ron" Neville pointed out "you'll regret it if you don't, you'll be traumatised for life, you'll attempt suicide, you'lll….."

"That's enough Neville" Hermione stated. With his hands shaky and sweaty, Ron opened the howler and Molly weasley's angry voice erupted from it.

"RONALD BILL ANGUS FRANK FRODO GANDALF KEVIN MICHEAL DAVID JIMMY VINNIE PAUL STUART JOHN JAMES WEASLEY, HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT PRECIOUS CAR OF OURS, I AM REALLY REALLY REALLY VERY ANGRY WITH YOU, NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS HAVE I KNOWN MY YOUNGEST BOY TO DO SUCH AN AWFUL THING, WHEN I FOUND THAT CAR GONE I HAD A HEART ATTACK AND HAD TO BE BOUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY YOUR FATHER WHO IS NOW HAVING THE BIGGEST TELLING OFF AT WORK AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO YOU MY BOY, YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE WEASLEY FAMILY, I DREAD TO THINK WHAT YOU'LL BE LIKE IN TEN YEARS TIME,GOODNESS ME RONALD I AM VERY DISAPOINTED IN YOU, IF YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN, WE WILL DISOWN YOU,NOW PISS OFF AND DON'T EVEN BOTHER CONTACTING ME FOR THE REMAINDER OF THIS STORY BECAUSE I WILL HAVE FORGIVEN YOU BY THE THIRD BOOK OK, YOU GOT THAT THICK BRAIN,GOOD." The letter burst into flames and Ron said there with the expression that he had just wet himself.

"I really need to see my bladder doctor" Ron said "me wetting myself is just getting plain ridiculas."

After the howler incident, the second year Gryffindors and Slytherins were heading to their first ever lesson of the year, Herbology.

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gaay" Gilderoy lockhart sang as he strode through the castle grounds wearing bright blue robes.

"Welcome to creep city" Harry muttered as he entered greenhouse three. Their teacher was a scruffy woman called Proffesor sprout.

"Alright you second years,gather around the long table and listen to my voice" she ordered.

"Like we have a choice" said Draco malfoy.

"Ok, today we are repotting mandrakes, also known as grotesque mutant babies" Sprout explained "now, I must advise everyone to wear these earmuffs as our grotesque muntant babies have ever so powerful cries that will knock you out for twenty four hours but if they were adults, the cries will kill you so beware my children, beware, bwuahahahahaha, anyway, let's get down to buisness,grab the top of your mandrake and pull it out. You must remember to be really rough as you can, if you are too gentle they won't come out and i will beat the person to a pulp if they are too gentle with their mandrake."

"That's a bit harsh" Harry mumbled.

"Silence, I am the teacher, do as say or FACE MY WRATH" Sprout bellowed. Harry looked at Ron, who looked at Hermione, who looked at seamus,who looked at Neville who looked back at Ron, who looked at Harry, who looked at Sprout.

"Do as I say" she yelled "If anyone needs me, i'll be sitting on that really comfortable deck chair and watch you all do the hard work, muhahahahahahahahahahahaha."

The students pulled out the mandrakes out of their pots and they were the most grostesque looking babies you had ever seen. Neville had become serverely traumatised by their appearance that he passed out onto the floor.

"Neville has been neglecting his earmuffs I see" said Sprout,shaking her head in dispair.

"No, he just fainted" seamus pointed out "he is a very sensitive young man you know."

"Fine, let's leave him there because he isn't important" Replied Sprout. After the herbology lesson, the second years where making their way to defense against the dark arts and Harry was being bothered by Colin Creevey.

"la la la, I am taking pictures of harry potter la loo loo" he sang. Harry pounded him to the ground before continuing on his journey to defense against the dark arts.

"God that creevey kid is annoying" said harry as he took his seat next to Ron.

"tell me about it" the red headed boy replied. Pretty soon, Lockhart walked in, dressed in his blue attire and sporting a pair of ipod earplugs in his ears.

"shut up and put you're money were you mouth is, that's what you get for waking up in vegas, get up and shake the glitter of your clothes now" he sang happily as he entered the classroom before notcing the enire class staring at him in the oddest way ever "oh hello" he took his ear phones out "so sorry, I forgot you was here, now to buisness, as you know that I am your new defense agaisnt the dark arts teacher."

"Oh isn't he dreamy" Hermione sighed.

"So true" added a random red headed girl who was sat next to her.

"Right, I have a special treat for you today, I have bought something to show you and I must advise you all no to scream" he warned.

"I am the greatest sorceror in the world, all will kneel before my presence" yelled a painting of sauron from the back of the room.

"Oh, pay no attention to that picture, I am the important one here, pay attention to me, give me the attention,not some painting" Lockhart said "obey my commands." He got a gathering of strange looks from the students except for Hermione who was staring at him dreamily.

"So what do you have to show us then?" Hermione asked.

"Ah, I'm glad you asked miss granger because here they are" he pulled a blanket off a cage which contain a bunch of blue pixies.

"Huh huh huh, cornish pixies" Seamus said goofily.

"Freshly caught cornish pixies" Lockhart announced "and I must want you that at the moment that they are on full sugar rush but I'm going to let them out anyways." He was true to his word and he realised the really hyper active pixies onto the class and soon they were going on the rampage. Two of them had grabbed Neville by the ears and hung him up onto the chandlier above,Malfoy was swung around by the ears by another two before throwing him head first out of the window. He landed with a satisfying thud.

"Now now, come on, they are only pixies,it can't be that difficult to round them up" Lockhart yelled "so I'm going to just shut myself in my office while you three round them all up and put them back." He pointed at Harry, Ron and Hermione before taking refuge in his office and reading a book on how to be the perfect fraud.

"What a coward" Yelled Ron as he wrestled off a pixie that was bungee jumping from his head.

"I know, Isn't he amazing" Hermione pointed out excitedly.

"Have you taken your medication today?" Harry asked her as he carried seven struggling pixies back to the cage.

"I sense sarcasm" Hermione replied as a pixie got hold of a can of silly string and sprayed it in her hair.

"Help, someone get me down" Neville shouted "I hate heights." The three ingnored him and carried on gathering up the last of the hyper pixies and Harry was thinking about…cheese.

"I wonder what kind of cheese tastes better, full fat cheese with all the calories or the fat free cheese that has no calories, I might have to seek out those two kind of cheeses and see which one tastes the best, I could really do with some cheese on toast right now, I love cheese on toast."

It had been almost an hour until they had finally managed to gather up all the pixies and put them back into the cage. Lockhart came out of his office still reading the how to be the perfect fraud book.

"Oh, the best way to be the perfect fraud is to tell people that you had a fight with a gang of werewolfs single handed and….." he realised that the three second years where still in the room so he quickly threw the book to the other side "erm, pay no attention to the book I was just reading,Ah I see that you have put those pixies back into their cages, ok you can go now, I have some important stuff to attend to, go on, shoo." He put in his ear plugs and started dancing away.

"That is the biggest creep I have ever seen in my whole life" Harry said as they headed down the corridor.

"You're telling me, did you see the way he was dancing when he came in" Ron replied. Hermione burped in a not very lady like fashion.

"Anyway, I'm off to go hunt for some cheese, you two fancy joining me in a fantastic hunt for cheese?" Harry asked.

"I'm in" Ron announced "I love cheese."

"I'm not, I hate cheese, cheese makes me fat in five seconds, I'm off to be boring plain Hermione" Hermione said before heading of to the library.

"Ok, guess it's just you and me pal, let's go find some cheese" Harry said.

"Ok then" Ron replied. They went hunting for cheese, Lockhart was dancing around the classroom, Malfoy suffered a broken nose from when he was thrown out of the window,Hermione ate a pie and the whole school exploded…not!.

"If the whole school exploded, we wouldn't have a story" Harry pointed out "and that's not good for my reputation."

"Harry harry, I found the cheese" Ron yelled as he came running towards Harry, carrying several blocks of cheese.

"Yay" Harry cheered "now we shall smuggle this back into the Gryffindor common room and have a secret cheese feast."

"Yay" Ron cheered then began dancing around singing "cheese feast, cheese feast,cheese feast." So they went back to the common room, had a cheese feast and went to sleep.