Chapter four, part II: I need more.

I don't know why, but I think Cole has to do with it. I just was called from the direction...two days after my failed meeting with him. Now I was waiting for the principal to speak, to say something so I can go back to my room.

"Eyes: dilated...", muttered.

She was taking notes of everything she saw in me physically, appealing to my reflexes and motor responses, which didn't work very well, when considering that I had to stop in the middle of a session of "spa" with Helena .. . or for the ordinary people who don't understand, in the process of getting high.

She spoke, wrote down things, asked me some questions and I answered vaguely, with no interest...because nothing mattered to me, but I can't deny that a sharp knife was buried in my chest when I heard the last thing she said before I left her office:

"Sorry, but the rights involve the performance of the duties", said, and I remembered my English teacher, "You have not cooperated in the workshops, have failed to sports, and you have behaved deplorably in recent weeks. I'm sorry, Halliwell, but your visits are prohibited until you return to behave well or even better when you came here".

I stood up, dizzy and my body burning with anger, resentment and pain ... now I was one more of them. There was no doubt, and if I was part of them, it was because I had been left here...locked, with these people...knowing that I had nothing more than an occasional misconduct and emotional immaturity...what finally brought me to deserve to stay in this filthy place.

I walked slowly, dazed and needing the rest of the dose that I had missed of...hum...I actually can't even remember what, because in the absence of my beloved heroine, I had been trying everything Helena could give me, and I didn't like anything enough to worry about what it was.

"What happened?", asked me my roommates full of curiosity when they saw me get into the room and I collapsed at the door, taking my head between my knees.

"No more visits", replied curtly.

They all looked at me with a face of circumstance and continued in their lives. There was anything they could do for themselves...less for me, although I knew that deep down, they regretted that when I first came I was completely normal, and now, I was all haggard, high and feeling the constant need of a bit of happiness.

"Hel ...", I mumbled talking about Helena. I had recently begun to call her like that, not wanting to give me the hard work of call her by her full name.

"Huh?", she said, focused in a puzzle they had delivered us in a workshop, that of course, I can't remember wich one or when.

"I want heroin".

"Pheebs, you know that although I want to give you, I can't ... I'm sorry", said, "Gisselle, dog in nine letters".

Gisselle closed her eyes thinking of an answer, as I looked listless and discouraged those leaning on the door of our room.

"Dog, can...quadruped!", Held to find the word, shaking her legs from the height of my bed.

Gisselle loved being in high places. Suicide tendences weren't strange talking about her, but she never dared to do anything but tempt fate.

"With C or K?"

That was the last sentence I heard from Helena and her crossword puzzle, which now shared with Gisselle. I left the door open to ventilate our room a bit and started walking, just beacuse; I had anywhere to go. From walking so much, from missing meals time lost in my euphoria, blackouts and more, I had already lost four pounds...what I considered excessive for just two weeks, taking, mentally, a note to eat better if I didn't want to join the anorexics's of the center.

"Cole ...", I prayed when I saw him sitting in the central courtyard enjoying the falling rain, totally soaked.

I hadn't realized that I was a little wet after walking around the institution, but not like him, because some parts for where I had been walking had roof. I just also realized that I had been crying since I left my room, so my voice had broken and left more pitiful than ever, and I think that's why he gave me attention.

"What happens?", he grunted, I believe he was still hysterical to remember how I jumped over him and tried to...know him better.

I walked slowly, dragging my legs, barely able to with my own body and I spread his arms, which were crossed on his chest. He didn't say a word, and I sat over him, with my legs dangling over his right leg, burying my face in his chest and hugged his neck.

He did not move. He didn't me throw off nor hugged me. Nor made a sound.

I cried so hysterically that I got a hiccup, and I felt that I was congested to be so long moruning under the cold water and even colder wind. It hurt to see in what I was turning. It hurt not being able to see my family, for becoming the monster I always refused to be and that I really hadn't been until now...and it hurt to think that everyone at home would have believed that this was me, even before I became a monster. It hurt me to know that they had not trusted me ever. That every single time they think about me, they relate me to a disaster, a psychotic, a brat, a failure…

I held more strongly to him, now that my crying was staying, but the rain began to hit us so hard that it was painful to receive drops over. I looked up furtively, wondering what he was doing, and I saw him with his eyes open, staring straight ahead ... I didn't know whether it was rain, or if Cole was actually crying. All I knew was that he wasn't looking at me, nor touching me ... just letting me hide and sit on his body.

"Give me heroin, please, I beg you", I asked in a feeble voice and I broke into pieces at my request, but wanted to disappear from the face of the earth ... wanted to feel good even a few seconds.

"Don't you realize you're destroying yourself?", he asked, and I didn't know if he was looking at me or not.

I was still hidden in his chest, warm, tepid, listening to his heart pounding.

"You are, how old?, fifteen?", he asked, and I didn't corrected him. I had not the courage to speak, "You have a family who loves you, a future ahead, and you...are throwing all straight to the trash".

"I have no one", I sobbed.

I believed what I was saying...I felt it that way: it wasn't melodrama, I acutally felt like I was alone...since the begining... since dad left me and my mother died. Prue was the oldest, totally independent...Piper was perfect in almost everything as well, and Paige was the baby of the family...I was...I just was...I was Freebe.

"You don't know what's to be alone", he said harshly, and now I was sure that Cole was crying, "you do not know what it is to lose everything. You have no idea what is, how it feels to lose your wife for being unable to recover from this shit, to lose your daughter...the person you love the most in the world ...", ended, repeating that small segment of his history without being able to say anything else.

I bit my lips. I clenched both my eyelids tightly and fists. It was the first time I saw emotion in him, or that he let me see him feeling something...and I felt awful, but I kept feeling that I had no one and nothing, so...I was sure I couldn't lose anything.

"Behave yourself, get over it. Go home and end this nightmare before it's too late" he said, getting up without tell me or warning me.

I fell to the ground, hitting my hip and shoulder when I crashed the cold, slippery ceramic.

He walked away.


Ok. I'm depressed. But hey! At least we proved Cole isn't a robot!

Review(s) response(s):

ButterflyEyes24: She does? Yayyy! It's hard for me to write about Cole and Phoebe in these conditions, I can't help but feel that sometimes are a little very much out of character. About the alternate, one will be dark darker and the darkest. The another one, I'm not sure lol it's almost up to you for now; anything you'd like to see, feel free to tell me and I'll try to do it. (yayy! you're gonna upload! two? that sounds 100 times better than one! cool! thank you!).