Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.
I'm sorry this chapter has been a while in the works. I haven't given up on this story, I promise :)
LIBERTIA
CHAPTER SEVEN
The evening sun was setting over San Francisco. In its crimson glow, Chakotay put the finishing touches to a table he was setting for dinner with Kathryn. It was right before a window, perfectly situated to enjoy the spectacular view of Lake Merced, and was adorned with a white cloth. Upon the table, amongst roses and candles, were crystal glasses and silver dishes, and Chakotay was smartly dressed in a white suit. Even though he and Kathryn had dined together many times in the past, this was their first romantic dinner together and he wanted it to be special.
Just as he was putting down a bottle of red cabernet sauvignon, their favorite wine, the room's silver door opened and Kathryn entered. She was dressed to the nines, wearing a gorgeous gown that was as russet as the sun, but hair, her wild auburn hair that he loved, was short and black.
"Before you say it," she said, walking over to him in high heels, "no, I didn't do this to spite you. My damn replicator did. Honestly, Chakotay, I swear they have a grudge against me. Either that or they like to tease me. Because every replicator I've ever had has been delinquent. I asked for shampoo, my regular color enhancing one, and what did I get? A black dye. But did it look like a black dye? Oh no. Talk about wolves in sheep's clothing! By the time I realized what was happening it was too late. My hair was black. And yes, I could use a grower to grow it out and start all over again, but I'd like us to dine this side of midnight."
Chakotay could only laugh. Laugh and gather her in his arms.
"Trust you for this. But was cutting your hair really necessary?"
"Totally," she replied. "Damn thing was so streaked...and I mean shades of green...that it looked worse than the worst of Neelix's striped suits!"
Chakotay laughed again.
"But I won't make you suffer it long," she promised. "Later, after we've dined, I'll grow it back."
"Ok," he smiled. "Fair deal. But, black or red, long or short, you always look amazing."
Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "Always? Even when my bun's about my ears and I'm covered in dirt?"
Chakotay kissed her lips softly. "Especially then."
Kathryn kissed him back and, as the kiss deepened, the world around them faded away.
By the time their dinner was over, the sun had set and a silver moon lit the sky. It gleamed over Lake Merced, serene and magnificent, and was truly beautiful to behold.
"If we weren't in hiding," Kathryn said, topping up her glass of cabernet sauvignon, "we could take a walk to the lake. It's only a few minutes away and is worth the trek. I go there a lot in the evenings. The tranquillity, the serenity, they make me glad to be alive."
These words, casually made, were not so casually received by Chakotay.
"Aren't you at other times?" he asked in concern. "Glad to be alive?"
Kathryn was a moment in answering. "Not always," she confessed. "Sometimes...well, it doesn't matter."
Chakotay reached for her hand. "It does to me, Kathryn."
At these words, and at his gentle touch, tears welled in Kathryn's eyes, but she quickly blinked them back. "I'm fine, truly. I just...well, you know I've always found life on Earth difficult. That hasn't changed. I still find it hard to fit in. Not that I regret becoming an admiral, I just... I suppose it's an adjustment."
Chakotay looked at her sadly. While those words were vague, deliberately so, he saw through what they tried to mask. She was lonely. Lonelier perhaps than she had ever been in the Delta Quadrant. And he understood the feeling only too well. He was lonely too.
"If I'm honest," Kathryn went on, "a part of me wishes we were still in the Delta Quadrant. Strange, isn't it? For all those years, getting home was my only goal, but now that we are I'd give anything for just one more day there. I miss it. I miss the life we had."
"So do I. On Voyager I found a place to belong. Back here in the Alpha Quadrant I'm once again torn between two worlds, belonging to neither and yet to both. As complicated as our lives were on Voyager, compared to what we have here they were simple. "
"Yes. And I ache for that. I ache for...simplicity. Even at the best of times my life has been complicated." A tear ran down her cheek. "I never imagined it would be this way. That girl that you saw...that young me at my cousin's wedding...she had so many dreams. And she was sure they would come true. She was sure she would one day get married, have children, and live some kind of enchanted existence. But those dreams never came true for her. They probably never will. But the yearning never goes away. Somewhere inside me that young girl's dreams still live. And I think that's what hurts sometimes. The longing. The ache of wishes unfulfilled." Clumsily, she wiped away her tear. "But everyone has them and we just have to make the best of the hand we're dealt. I've had a good career and have a lot to be thankful for."
"Yes. But it's ok to want more. It's ok to say you're lonely."
At this, Kathryn averted her eyes and gazed into her drink.
"I am...sometimes...but I...I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to talk about how much I've missed you or how much I'm going to miss you. If I do, then...then my heart is going to break. I just want to enjoy the time we have."
Chakotay squeezed her hand. "It isn't too late, Kathryn. We can..."
"No," she interrupted, looking up. "Let's not go there. We promised we wouldn't."
"I know. And I'm sorry. I just...I don't want to leave. In fact, I think I'd take any excuse to stay."
"So would I... to have you stay."
They gazed into each others eyes, love and sadness reflecting.
"But you can't stay," Kathryn went on, "and we have to accept that if we're going to make the most of now. Dwelling on our sorrows, they'll...well, they'll haunt us enough after you've gone."
"Yes. But we must remember that this time we're sharing doesn't exist in a vacuum. As much as we might try to shut out the future, it's waiting for us, and what we do now in this present will shape it. We have to consider the consequences of our actions. We can't...we can't give our hearts a free reign."
"How do you mean?"
"If we go through with this...me leaving...then when I do, we'll be officially enemies. We don't know what will be demanded of us. What will be demanded of you. When we got home, you were able to tell Starfeet Command with all sincerity that nothing improper had ever passed between us. But if we cross the line, you won't be able to do that. If you're going to fight our cause and try to persuade the Federation to accept our autonomy and enter into an alliance with us, then it could compromise your credibility if romantic feelings are suspected between us. We have to think carefully before putting you in that position...for all our sakes."
"Maybe you're right," Kathryn said. "Maybe crossing the line would be unwise. But, right now, I don't care. I'm tired of caring. All I want is to be with you. To love you. What we were to each other in the past is history, and what we'll be to each other in the future we can't possibly know. All that matters is what we mean to each other right now. And, right now, I'll be damned if we let anything, especially politics, come between us. We've denied ourselves too much for too long. This time is ours and nothing is going to take it from us."
"I just need you to be sure, Kathryn. Once we've...there'll be no going back."
"I don't want us to go back. Neither do I think we can. Our lives are different now and that means our relationship can never be the same." She squeezed his hand. "So let's make it better. Let's...make love and make memories."
Chakotay smiled, his eyes moist. "Let's do that. But, before we do, I'd like to give you something."
With that, he reached into a jacket pocket and pulled out a silver pouch. It was small, shapely, and tied with a glittering gold string.
"It's something very special that belonged to my mother," he declared. "It's been in my sister's safekeeping."
Kathryn took the pouch, carefully opened it, and pulled out a ring. It was made of solid gold, engraved with stars, and set with a sparkling ruby.
"My father gave it to her when I was born," Chakotay explained, "a custom in my tribe for a first born child, and it's full of symbolism. The gold band represents love, an unbreakable circle, the ruby a spirit of fire, which our tribe's wise woman said I would have, and the stars represent my destiny. At her death my mother wanted me to give it to my true love."
A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "Oh, Chakotay..."
"That's you, Kathryn, and I want you to have it."
Kathryn wiped away her tear. "Thank you. I...I hardly know what else to say. It's...it's a privilege."
Chakotay reached for her hand. "So is loving you and having your love."
Kathryn gripped his hand, their eyes meeting, and then, needing to hold him, she got to her feet and opened her arms to him. Chakotay stepped into them and she wrapped her arms around his neck.
"I'll treasure it always," she said. "Just like I cherish you...and us."
Chakotay returned her embrace and then, after a moment, he drew away. "Would you like to try it on? With a little luck it will fit."
"No," Kathryn said kindly. "A ring as special as this, it should...well, there's only one finger right for it. Let's wait until the time is right too."
Chakotay understood her meaning, and a part of him felt the same, but he was all too aware that if he left for the war, he might never come back. Seeing the ring on her finger, even if it wasn't the right finger, would be better than never seeing it on her hand at all. And, without saying a word, his eyes spoke his thoughts.
"That time will come," Kathryn said. "We... I... have to believe that."
Chakotay hesitated, but then nodded.
"So I'll keep it safe," she told him. "In my treasure box. I've had it since I was six years old and everything that has ever been special I have kept in it. In fact, I'll take it there now. And while I'm there...my bedroom...I'll fix my hair."
With that, she made a turn towards the table, intending to pick up the ring and its pouch, but as she did, Chakotay stopped her.
"There's no need, Kathryn. You look just fine."
"But..."
Chakotay silenced her with a finger on the lips. "It's you I love, you I want to make love to, not your hair."
Kathryn saw the truth of that in his eyes and smiled. "If you're sure, Sir."
"I am. Because you're beautiful, Kathryn, in every way. And you can never look more beautiful to me than you do right now."
Tears welled in her eyes, happy ones, and then she kissed him. It was all she could do. Kiss him and love him.
No restraint.
No parameters.
Just love.
When they had finally become one, Kathryn lay in Chakotay's arms, her head on his chest. For the first time in a long time she felt at peace, and yet there was no denying that a part of her heart still ached. Shutting out the future, and the loneliness to come, wasn't as easy as she'd thought it would be, not now she'd tasted heaven. And Chakotay felt the same way, she could tell from his silence, from an unspoken sadness between them. Saying goodbye, perhaps to never see each other again, would be hell.
But they would get through it. Somehow they would. And, if the worst happened, the worst that made her blood run cold just to think about, they would always have this memory. This night. They would also have tomorrow.
Two days.
Not much.
But those days would forever be their own. After years of loving, and longing, finally they had surrendered to each other.
Body and soul.
"I could ask you if you feel at peace now," Kathryn said, her head still on his chest, "but if you do, I'm guessing it's the same as mine. Bittersweet. You were right. Saying goodbye now is going to be harder. But for what we're sharing...what we've just shared...I would gladly walk through fire."
Chakotay smiled and kissed her hair. "With or without a flame resistant suit?"
At this, Kathryn sat up and playfully thumped his chest. "Oh you." She then gazed into his eyes and brushed her fingers against his cheek. "But we will be together again. I really believe that. Not just because I need to, but because I feel it in my bones."
Chakotay took her hand in his and kissed it. "I feel that too. We belong together. We always have and always will."
"Like salad and croutons."
"Yes," he laughed, remembering that moment on the bridge. "Like salad and croutons. Or...like coffee and cups."
Kathryn smiled. "I like that analogy better."
Chakotay laughed again and, as he did, Kathryn gently traced the course of his tattoo.
"So let's always remember that," she said. "No matter what is to come, how far the distance or how long the absence, let's always remember that we belong to each other." A tear ran down her cheek. "Let's always remember tonight."
Chakotay put his hand to her face. "Every day for the rest of my life."
Their eyes locked, tears mirrored, and then, after a tender kiss, they snuggled up as before.
END OF CHAPTER SEVEN
