Merlin hadn't gone to see Kilgharrah in a very long time. The last time was the night he learned about his destiny, so it had been almost two months now. He left Arthur's so late that he went to sleep right when he got home, unable to stay up any longer, and on the weekends he either worked, slept the day away, or caught up on the homework he neglected by always doing Arthur's instead. He kept expecting the dragon to speak in his head in order to ask where the hell he had gotten to, but he never did.
It was funny, because the past-Merlin had to go to the dragon all the time for advice… but the dragon's advice was right there in the Emrys diary, which gave him little need to pay any visits.
Then Arthur went away for the weekend, and that meant Merlin had his Friday off. So when he got off work, he went to see the dragon.
Partially it was a social visit, sure, but there was more to it than that. See, he was in this weird predicament where he knew way too much about what was to come, thanks to the Emrys journal… and one of the things that happened in the journal was when Kilgharrah tried to destroy the whole kingdom.
Merlin needed to know if that was yet another thing that was going to happen all over again.
"Young warlock!" cried the dragon when Merlin walked into the abandoned station and sat on the edge where he always did. "I was beginning to wonder if you had forgotten about me! Or is it just that you've been busy with your destiny?"
If Merlin didn't know any better, he'd think Kilgharrah was making fun of him.
"Arthur's certainly a handful. The first attempt on his life was three weeks ago, and now everyone seems to think they can go trying to kill him!" Merlin complained. "Not even just people getting back at his dad, either, just random fucking kids with chips on their shoulders! Like the guy from a rival football team who was wearing a watch that had little snakes on it that came to life! And don't get me started on the unicorn. Though that was kind of his fault…" Merlin sighed. "I think there have been more days where someone's attempting to kill him than there have been where he's safe. It's exhausting."
"Uther makes a great deal of enemies," replied Kilgharrah.
Merlin got quiet. Not a bad segue into what he really came here about. "Yes, he has. I could see a lot of people doing horrible things to get back at him. Even good people." Merlin said it pointedly enough, and the Great Dragon was perceptive enough, that Merlin never had to make a real accusation for the dragon to catch his drift.
The dragon sighed. "You have nothing to fear from me." Merlin just kept looking at him, not sure whether to believe him. So after a moment Kilgharrah continued, "I told you last time we met that I learned much from knowing the first Merlin. That is true." He was quiet for another long moment. "Though, in all honesty, I know there's no point in doing anything you don't want me to, because you know you're a Dragonlord as much as I know."
"But… is my father dead? Past-Merlin met his father."
Kilgharrah's silence was enough for Merlin to know the answer to that.
"So I'm already a Dragonlord," Merlin guessed.
"The last all over again. I thought another would never live again, until you came back. So I know that I could never try to find my revenge, even if I wanted to. But in reality, I no longer desire that. I am not a mindless beast."
Merlin nodded, now satisfied. It was nice to know at least one person—being, whatever—in his life could be trusted. Because it was a curse to know so much. Someday, Merlin knew that Gilli from the coffee shop was going to become a danger. He knew that if he ever fell for a particularly beautiful sorceress that he rescued from a cage, she was cursed to be a murderous monster. He knew that if Arthur had some sister he didn't know about, she was going to go bad.
Merlin couldn't trust a soul. Not really. The knights. Gwen.
And Arthur. If he got anything from the Emrys diary, it was that he could trust Arthur.
"I don't understand," Merlin finally said.
"And what is it you do not understand, Merlin?"
"Everything this time is going essentially the same way it did back then. Sure, I haven't met any Mordred or Morgana, thankfully, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. It's so similar that I can predict most things before they happen… So how is this going to be any different than last time? Won't I just fail again?"
"Merlin, you are not only coasting through the same life twice. You must make changes in order for the outcome to change."
"But I don't know what to do differently! I don't know what I did wrong!"
"Don't save so many people from dying, for starters," said the dragon—though he seemed to be mostly teasing.
"But what if I fail again? There's no way I will get another chance."
The dragon looked thoughtful. "I think that when the time comes, you'll know what to do."
Merlin sure hoped so.
He sat in the station after that until past midnight, hardly talking at all. Just basking in that presence again, the one of someone who was like him. Since he got so little of that lately. He felt so apart from everyone.
He'd always been different. He just hadn't always been able to feel it like he did now.
Arthur didn't technically say anything about Merlin not wearing his glasses anymore. He didn't mention it the day after, or the week after. He never complimented Merlin on his looks again.
But Merlin couldn't help but get this weird feeling that Arthur had noticed. And he wondered why Merlin stopped wearing them.
It wasn't until Merlin wore them again that he had that confirmed.
"Four eyes again?" said Arthur.
"I ran out of contacts. I have to pick up more today. Why, you like me better without them?" he joked.
"Like I care," Arthur scoffed.
"You're not actually a very good liar," said Merlin matter-of-factly.
"Coming from you! You couldn't keep a secret if your life depended on it!"
Merlin somehow kept himself from choking out a laugh (by some miracle).
Merlin was used to living like this by now. It had been nearly three months since this all started, and being busy all the time and saving Arthur's stupid life was just a part of how he lived. It wasn't strange, just a fact.
That didn't stop it from grating on him, wearing him down until he felt like a fraction of who he once was. He was just… tired. So tired. He was risking his stupid life every other day and got no credit and he was never with his friends because he didn't have the time and when he saw them, as infrequent as that was, he couldn't appreciate it because he was too exhausted.
Gwen, Lance, and Gaius were the only ones that were perceptive enough to notice, but they were also the ones that knew there was nothing to be done about it, so they didn't really try.
Merlin had never felt so alone, even when he was literally never alone anymore.
It was finals week, before they all had time off for Christmas. He was with Arthur, helping him study—since tests were the only time when he couldn't have someone else do his work for him.
"… and that makes Iago one of the worst villains in any of Shakespeare's plays," Merlin was explaining to an Arthur that hardly seemed to be listening. He'd been distracted all day, but that didn't stop Merlin from trying.
It was confirmed that he hadn't heard any of Merlin's talk about Othello when Arthur next spoke. "I've been thinking."
"Oh god. Not that again."
Arthur punched him playfully—and painfully—in the arm, but otherwise made no response before continuing, "That maybe I need to find someone else to… you know. Do what you do."
Merlin blinked at Arthur, frankly stunned at the feeling like he'd been punched in the stomach at the words. What had Merlin done wrong? He literally risked his skin for the clotpole day in and day out and, what, he was firing him?
Merlin tried to keep his face neutral. "Why did you decide that?" he asked monotonously.
Arthur looked Merlin in the eye for a long moment, and Merlin became sure that in that moment Arthur could see everything he was feeling, even the things he'd never bothered to notice before, like Merlin being completely protective of Arthur in a way nobody was with someone who was just a friend, let alone just a dude you did homework for.
"I'm obviously making you miserable, and I don't like that hanging on my conscience. So… I'll find someone with nothing better to do with their time. After this semester is over… you can just live your life. I won't tell on you, I promise."
Merlin didn't know what to say. He was so irrationally upset by what Arthur was saying, so overwhelmed by the unnecessary stab of rejection, that he didn't even know how to react.
So he said, "Okay." And he didn't bring it up again. So Arthur was firing him. So his destiny was going to be a little hard to fulfill—or, more accurately, impossible—when Arthur wasn't around all the time.
Awesome.
