"Hello, Undyne!"

"'Sup, Aof! How is it-ngaah!"

"Could you keep an eye on Muffin for me while I talk to Alphys?"

"Get off me, you damn mistake!"

"Thanks."

Aofil steps over the fence that Muffin jumped just a couple of seconds earlier. He should be busy enough with Undyne now, from the looks of it he's managed to wrap his limbs quite awkwardly around Undyne's, despite her damnedest not to allow that.

It's a scene straight out of a horror movie, the large and drooling spider first rushing from out of her vision, only to jump with fangs exposed straight for her face. Undyne reacted in the nick of time though, and her arms are now locked in a battle of attrition with the head of the struggling spider. Aofil makes a mental note of the large dumbbells laying in the grass underneath the workout bench Undyne immediately tumbled out of when she caught Muffin lunging into her. Might be that she was resting between sets.

"How's this for surprising your muscles, Undyne? Isn't that what you wanted?"

Aofil catches a glimpse of an opened mystery novel next to one of the dumbbells.

"Or are you surprising them with your book?" Aofil adds as they tilt their head to try and read the title. It becomes obscured from their view as Undyne retreats while on her back up to the bench. She manages to get one hand up on it before she has to brace for Muffin jumping on her again. She tumbles away again in a flurry of limbs and swears.

"Guess I'll leave you two to it."

Aofil knocks on the glass door before entering. "Alphys?" they ask through the sound of electronic tools as they near the basement. "It's Aofil. Muffet told me to bring you some doughnuts for some upgrades you did!"

The whirring dies down. "S-sorry!" comes an apologetic voice from downstairs. "I didn't hear! W-who is it?"

"Aofil!" Aofil answers back.

"Oh! I'm coming up!" Alphys shouts back from behind the basement door. There's some clanking and quiet talking before she peeks her nose out after opening the door slowly. "H-hello, Aofil," she greets while drying off her hands on an oily towel that's fastened at the side of her lab coat. She pushes up her glasses with a claw. "Have you turned back your house yet?"

"Yeah, I did." Aofil nods slowly, and reservedly. Didn't she hear? "You didn't notice?"

Alphys points behind her. "Been busy." She laughs once, dragging a giggle that's more like a snort than a comfortable laugh. She swallows hard as she hears it.

"Right." Aofil hands over the paper bag with Alphys' pastry. "New parts for Mettaton?"

Alphys's nose disappears inside her bag as she looks down into it. "Oh, no, no, no." She waves the notion away. "He has plenty stocked. I am doing-"

The paper bag contracts, clinging to the outline of Alphys' nose and the doughnuts just an inch away from the tip of it. It expands, only to contract again, as Alphys lets out some unconvincing laughs. "Nothing." She almost rips the bag up as she snaps her head up. "Nothing, I am just doing nothing." Her hands crumple the top of the bag, rolling it up as she wrings her hands. She stops just short of squishing the doughnuts. "A whole lot of nothing! He he!"

She swallows hard again.

"I don't know." Aofil crosses their arms, the sound of it cutting Alphys ears so hard that she hunches over with her hands moving up her temples. "Sounds like a whole lot of something to me."

Alphys feigned laugh does nothing to help her situation, and Aofil can see the gears turning at the speed of sound in her head. She's definitely up to something, and it could be for Frisk's birthday. Aofil makes another note to investigate further when they can. For now they'll stick with Muffin.

And speaking of him.

Before Aofil can ask Alphys, Undyne's head is thrust through the opened kitchen window. "Alphys!" she shouts, startling both her and Aofil with her sudden bark. "What is a common human dish that involves spiders?"

Alphys and Aofil trade looks, and shrugs. "You two are useless!" Undyne cranes her head back with a tired groan, which turns into a pained groan as she hits her head on the top of the window frame. She massages the impact. "I'll just reference chicken. It's the closest one, I bet."

Undyne mumbles her way out again, and Aofil can see her taking position through the door. Her wrist flexes, and as she throws her arm down, a long, blue, and crackling spear forms. "Listen here, you overgrown little bug!" She points the spear forward menacingly. "I'm gonna-" She's forced to dodge Muffin hopping up on her. "No! You have to wait until I'm done with-" She dodges again. "Stop it!"

"So yeah," Aofil moves their eyes away from the dance of dodging, "I was wondering if you could whip up a spider translator of sorts for Muffin."

Alphys only hears the last words. "Hm?" she voices. "A what?"

"A spider translator, or something, for Muffin," Aofil repeats with a finger pointed towards Muffin who's jaw is wrapped firmly around Undyne's spear.

"Get off!" she tries to command while tugging left and right, swinging Muffin around like a rag doll.

"Oh!" Alphys shakes her head. "No, no I can't."

"Oh." Aofil nods to themselves. "I see." This might prove harder than they imagined. If Alphys can't, then that pretty much means that no one can. No one that Aofil knows of, that is. Perhaps someone that they don't know knows though? Perhaps Mettaton might be persuaded to give up another tinkerer's name? That would mean doing something to get another stamp on their banned card. Shouldn't be too difficult if they bring Muffin.

"I've already loaned it away today, so you'll have to wait."

Aofil blinks. "Sorry?"

"Papyrus came over earlier today and asked if he could loan it for the day," Alphys repeats with some confidence slinking back into her voice. "He needed it for something. I think it was about cleaning."

"Oh." Aofil turns around so that they're facing where Papyrus' house would be if Alphys' wasn't in the way. "You think he's home now?"

"S-should be, I guess. Don't see why he would loan it and then not use it."

"Good point." So yeah. "I'm off to Papyrus then." Aofil points towards the very wrinkly bag. "You got your doughnuts, and the thanks from Muffet, so I'll let you get back to your nothing."

Alphys nods, immensely relieved. "Y-yeah, I will."

Wait! Aofil just remembered. "Before I go, a question about my house. Well, actually a couple."

Alphys nods again, her newfound relief rapidly draining. "Y-yes?"

"I used the voice command button to tell it to turn around."

"D-did it work?" Alphys braces herself for a heavy 'no'.

"Yes."

She exhales calmly.

"But."

And inhales sharply.

"It became scared because Muffin was inside of it. I was just wondering why you programmed fear into my house."

"Ha!" Undyne's voices her entrance with a loud scoff. "Told you that it was inverted, Alphee!"

Muffin does his best to escape the magical rope tied around his legs. Undyne keeps him at distance though, but only for a short while. She swings the spider back and forth. "Aofil! Catch!"

A trail of arching spit follows Muffin's parabolic trajectory, and splashes shortly after his ungraceful landing onto the hardwood floor. He bounces a couple of times before rolling into the pink hatstand, knocking over a pink and yellow coat that gently covers his disoriented head.

Aofil looks back at Undyne, having followed Muffin's awkward descent after taking a step aside. They throw up a befuddle hand.

Undyne throws one up herself. "Why didn't you catch him?"

"I'd throw out my back if I did. He weighs a tonne, Undyne. It would be like catching a wrecking ball. His hairs would stab me right through my chest!"

Undyne blows her lips, and throws her hand dismissively towards Aofil. "And what will your precious baker say when she finds out about this? It might squander your chances with her, Aof. No more free doughnuts for you! Ngahahaha!"

Aofil's brow furrows hard, and a half disgusted expression blossoms on their face. "My what?"

"I'm not stupid, Aofil!" Undyne flashes a cocky smile. "I've seen the way Muffet looks at you, how she discounts your food, and how she lets you take care of her pet."

Aofil's eyes roll so hard they almost spin out of their skull. "Lay off the anime, Undyne."

"Ha!" As if. "Your house being scared of the spider proves it!"

"Remember to stretch after your mental gymnastics, Undyne."

"Alphee made the remote so that it transfers your personality through to the house. It's yours, after all."

"But it was scared," Aofil feels the need to remind with a condescending motion of their head and an even more condescending tilt of their head.

"Yes!" Undyne nods, her smile growing even bigger. "That's because Alphys made it inverse! Didn't you, Alphee?"

She averts her eyes.

Undyne points with her open palm towards the blushing lizard. "See? I'm completely right!"

"Sure," Aofil lies.

"How long are you keeping that freak by the way, Aof?"

"A week or so, why?"

Undyne rolls her shoulder. "Was good exercise, unlike some humans that are supposed to be stronger." She winks none too subtly with both her eyebrows over to Aofil. "You can't spar to save your life, Aofil!"

"And you can't hold a poker face to save your raise, Undyne," Aofil retorts while patting their pant pocket where their wallet is. "I've still got some spare change from last time, you know?"

Her face drains into a stubborn pout. She summons a small spear in her hand that she tosses towards Aofil halfheartedly.

Aofil smacks it out of the air. "Would you stop throwing stuff at me, Undyne?"

"Impressive! Might be hope for you yet!" She laughs all the way out the patio door, and even more once she's outside.

Aofil shakes their head. "I'm off to the skelebros then." They nod goodbye to Alphys, who nods back. "Can't be worse than this, or what happened to my house."

Alphys struggles to hide her cough.

"Yeah," Aofil agrees. "Shouldn't really be tempting fate like this, should I?"

The doorbell sings a very melodic tune as Aofil pushes it. They take a step back, just in case, and lift Muffin out of the way as well. His legs are still shackled by Undyne's magic, but Aofil is not in a hurry to get them off. They have some semblance of control over him now, which is far more than they could ever wish for.

The door is not as much opened as it is pushed out by Sans leaning against it. He slides down until flat on the ground with his face facing down into the welcome mat adorned with Papyrus' visage.

"Hi, Sans," Aofil greets.

"aof," Sans greets back. "good to see you."

"Down to earth today, I see."

"heh."

"How are you?"

"tired."

Aofil can see that. "So you're kissing your brother good night, or something? I think Papyrus would appreciate it more if you did it to his real face rather than this mat that, I'm guessing, a lot of people have stepped on. Might want to brush your teeth after you get up from it."

Sans angles his head up, his eyes narrowed hard. "what do you mean by that, exactly?"

"What you're thinking of now is all in your head, Sans. Not mine."

He shrugs, "just wanted to be sure," and lies his face down again.

"Any reason why you don't nap on a sofa, bed, or hammock?"

"well, i was, but then there was this human who wanted to come in."

"Yes, yes." Aofil waves it away. "Do you mind if I step over you? Can't come in otherwise."

"will i have the sun on me if you do?"

Aofil looks behind them, but the sun is not visible. "I don't-" A sweeping breeze interrupts them.

"found it!" Sans shouts from somewhere inside the house. "it was right here by the window."

That's where it usually is, yes, but Aofil's not in the mood for arguing semantics right now. They're here for Papyrus, and judging by the sound of a working vacuum from upstairs, he's probably doing his cleaning right now.

"Papyrus?" they ask after knocking on the door from where the cleaning is emanating.

"NO, THAT'S THE DOOR, AOFIL! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, AM JUST BEHIND IT! TO OPEN IT YOU-"

Aofil opens it without hearing the instructions, much to Papyrus' surprise. "I know how to use a door, Papyrus. Don't worry."

"THEN WHY DID YOU KNOCK?" Papyrus pats his foot on the power button on the vacuum, and it dies off with a sad whir. "IF YOU DID KNOW, THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ENTER?"

"Because..." Aofil meets Papyrus' stare to determine if he's joking. He's not. Quite inquisitively, to be perfectly honest. Leaning against the hose with one elbow, and with the other hand firmly planted against his side, Papyrus descends deep into thought. "Because I wanted to be nice and not interrupt you?"

"YOU FELT THAT YOU HAD TO BE NICE BECAUSE I WASN'T ENOUGH?"

"Oh! No! No! No!" Aofil waves their hands in a state of building panic. They did not mean it like that! "Of course not, Papyrus."

"I'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE, RIGHT?"

"Yes."

"AND YOU DID GET MY LETTERS ABOUT ALWAYS BEING WELCOME?" Papyrus' voice is on the cusp of wavering, dangerously so.

"Yeah, I did." All a hundred of them. "I just wanted to be nice back, you know?"

Papyrus nods. "I SEE! HOWEVER, YOU STILL HAD TO KNOCK, WHICH MEANS THAT I'VE NOT COMMUNICATED TO YOU AS WELL AS I THOUGHT!"

"Could just be that I didn't hear it properly?" Aofil retorts, as friendly as they can be. "Fault could be on my side here."

Papyrus shakes his head, which isn't a surprise to Aofil. "YOU HAVE ACTUAL EARS, AOFIL, WHOSE FUNCTION IS TO HELP YOU HEAR BETTER! IT MAKES MORE LOGICAL SENSE FOR ME HAVING NOT COMMUNICATED TO YOU LOUD ENOUGH THAN MILLIONS OF YEARS OF EVOLUTION FAILING AT JUST THAT MOMENT! STATISTICALLY, IT'S ABSURDLY UNLIKELY!"

Is it logical? Aofil's not sure. They don't get a lot of time to give it any thought though, as Papyrus excuses himself to pass by Aofil. "I KNOW JUST THE THING TO SOLVE THIS CONNIVING CONUNDRUM!" Before Aofil can ask him where he is going, they feel a subtle wind behind them.

"you know that big spider you brought with you?"

"Yes?" Aofil turns around while Papyrus hurries down the stairs and down the basement. "What abo-"

Sans nods as Aofil sees the reason. "it's kinda eating my leg at the moment. it's not a calf that's he's munching on. well, technically it is, but technicalities don't stop it from hurting."

Muffin looks over to Aofil for a split second before returning his eyes to the slobbered leg.

"Must be the ketchup and such that caught his scent. Does it hurt?"

"yeah, it does." Sans nods down to the spider sucking loudly on his leg. "you've ever had your skeleton munched at?"

"Can't say I have, no."

"well, that's about how much it hurts."

"Not that much since you're still standing and not making a lot of effort to remove him." Aofil nudges Muffin with their foot. He seems pretty stuck where he is.

"not in the mood of also having my fingers bitten off too, thank you very much. what else am i gonna use as a pillow?"

Aofil goes down on one knee as they try and coax Muffin away from Sans. "A pillow, perhaps?"

"that you feel a need to talk back at me like this in my time of need, aof."

Aofil itches Muffin on the spot behind his temple they found earlier at lunch. Muffin collapses in a satisfied sigh, his tongue sliding down Sans' leg slowly as it's wrapped around, much to his dismay.

"there's a towel on the hand rail which pap uses to clean off after he's waxed philosophical, can you hand it to me, please?"

Aofil reaches over and hands the towel to Sans along with a befuddle look.

"it saves on buying bottles and it still gets the job done. feel for yourself."

Aofil drags their finger on the metal hand rail. To their surprise it's like dragging through fine silk. "I'll be damned."

"why are you here, by the way?" Sans asks after having shortcutted to the downstairs sofa. The small gust from his magic wakes Muffin up, and he looks around confused as his snack has up and gone. Aofil gives him a tickle behind his temple again before he catches scent of Sans again and decides to dive bomb from the top of the stairs.

"Alphys told me Papyrus had her spider translator." Aofil keeps rubbing on the hand rail. It's so soft, they don't want to stop. "I need to ask Muffin some question which is why I need it."

"what kind of questions?"

"Those kind that you ask," Aofil replies with snark. Maybe they can bait something out of Sans while they're at it. "Or do you monsters have other forms of questions?"

"oh yeah, plenty." Sans nods after boring his finger against the side of his skull. "but i seem to have misheard you there. must've been some gunk in my ear, but to me it sounded like you didn't answer my question at all. weird, isn't it?"

"Maybe you should use your dripping sarcasm as a washing up for your shirt there, Sans?" Aofil shoots over a proud smile. "I just want to ask Muffin about some stuff, that's all."

"oh!" Sans winks. How he does it still sits weird with Aofil. "i see. some questions about a certain other spider, perhaps? maybe her favorite kinds of flowers?"

Oh for God's sake! "You too with this?"

"i can suggests some arachnodisiacs."

No. Just no. "No." No. Stop. "Stop, Sans."

Where the hell did Papyrus go?

"DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE COLOR YOU WANT YOUR INGRESS TO BE, AOFIL?"

Aofil leans over the wooden railing. They're met with Papyrus knocking on a door in his arms. A variety of buckets filled with an equally varied selection of paints dangle haphazardly above the white carpet underneath him. "My what?" Aofil asks carefully as to not prompt a reaction big enough that would cause some stained spillage.

"YOUR DOOR! WHAT DO YOU WANT IT TO BE? PINK, LIKE YOUR CHEEKS? RED LIKE YOUR EYES?"

"don't we have enough doors, pap? one for the front lawn hammock, and one for the back lawn hammock."

"EXACTLY!" Papyrus turns around, swinging the door wide with him, as well as the buckets. Aofil feels their breath stop as they watch the liquid stop but an inch away from the rim. "ONE DOOR FOR YOU, AND ONE FOR ME! WE DON'T HAVE ONES FOR OUR FRIENDS TO USE! HOW CAN WE EXPECT THEM TO FEEL WELCOME IF THEY DON'T HAVE THEIR OWN DOOR TO BE WELCOMED INTO?"

Sans shoots a glance up to Aofil, who joins him in a bemused shrug. They should probably drag him off this idea before the entire house gets covered in doors. "But wouldn't I feel more welcomed if you granted me the use of your own means of ingress?"

"YOU HAD TO KNOCK THOUGH, AOFIL!" Papyrus reminds with an upraised finger. The door tilts down to the side from him letting go of it, and Aofil again watches in horror as the paints flows up to the rims of their respective buckets.

"Yes, but that was my choice. I have a red soul, so if I start off with being polite I help you be more polite in return."

Papyrus' face freezes. He blinks. "AOFIL..."

Aofil can do nothing but silently scream as they see the doors and buckets slid out of Papyrus' stunned mittens.

"YOU ARE MORE OF A FRIEND THAN I COULD EVER BE!"

The door bounces with a heavy thud, missing Papyrus' toes just barely. Aofil snaps their eyes to the carpet, steeling themselves for the abstract masterpiece about to unfold, yet it remains as white as the fur on their arm, albeit with more door. The strands on the carpet sway as a panicked wind runs through it. Papyrus' sewn face on the carpet moves like disturbed water. The sound of the leather sofa being depressed has Aofil breathing out with relief in stark contrast to Sans' sharp breathing holding the buckets awkwardly in his arms.

"That's good, Papyrus," Aofil says after letting themselves calm down a bit. "But you know that you're the best one."

"THAT IS TRUE, AOFIL!" Papyrus steps one foot up on the knocked over door. "HOWEVER, I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, CAN NOT BE FRIENDS WITH MYSELF! THAT WOULD BE UNFAIR TO THE REST!"

Finally his logic makes sense, a bit at least.

"By the way," Aofil remembers after bumping their foot into Muffin as they push away from gripping the railing with all their scared might. "The spider translator you borrowed from Alphys?"

"YES! I WILL FETCH IT! TELL ALPHYS THAT IT WORKS WONDERS, BUT THAT I'LL STICK TO CLEANING ON MY OWN!" He disappears underneath the second floor again. "IT TAKES TOO MANY TO HOLD JUST ONE MOP!"

"No, Muffin." Aofil sweeps Muffin back with their leg. "Those are Papyrus' spiders, they're not for you to eat."

The translator sits strangely in Aofil's hand. They imagined it more as a collar of sorts, not really a speaker shaped like a spider. A small nibble at the back of their head say that the really should've guesses that it would be like this, to be honest. The bigger nibble on their leg will soon say his as well, and hopefully it will be something about Frisk's birthday.

Once home again, Aofil puts the translator to use. They give Muffin some food and water so that's hes more talkative. Or at least, that's what Aofil is guessing, no, hoping.

"JUST TAP IT ON WHICHEVER SPIDER YOU WANT TRANSLATED AND HOLD IT AGAINST ITS HEAD!" Papyrus instructed, so Aofil does just that. Their first attempt is met with an open mouth, but a quick hush from Aofil has Muffin closing it again.

The speaker sparks to life as it touches the rough skin of Muffin. After a second or so, loud panting emerges from it.

Nice, seems to be working.

"Muffin."

The speaker goes quiet. Guess Aofil caught Muffin's attention.

"What is Muffet baking for in the Underground?"

"Blerf! Spru! Rarghl! Prrtf blugr!"

Aofil blinks.

"Raigguihu! Blatehezu, guayhju! Blpp-"

Aofil removes the speaker.

They blink again.

"What else did you expect?"