Dear Kurt,
People are so wary about using the 'C' word around me. I don't understand it. You were the one who refused to address it how it was. I remember Jackson asking you what was wrong and you telling him there's a mean bug monster in you making you sick. The day I told him that you had cancer his expression seemed relieved. As if he knew you were keeping the truth from him and he now felt some form of comfort in the truth.
Your dad hates the word too. I bumped into him at the store a few days ago, and he had already bumped into an old friend, Trevor. I don't know if you knew him, but I'd never seen him before. Trevor asked after you and your dad sort of froze up. "He's ermm, not with us anymore" he answered looking nervous. When Trevor then gave his apologies and asked what happened, I could see your dad wasn't going to be able to say it. He tried, bless him. "He... he... he died of, of, c...c..." he began, as I saw tears in his eyes. "He died of cancer" I answered for him, and then introduced myself properly. You're dad looked at me gratefully as he wiped the corner of his eyes.
I'm always so proud to tell someone that you were my husband. Of course I'm sad, considering I'm mostly saying hello after being introduced as a widower after you died. However, I never fail to smile and say "yeah I'm Kurt's husband", and agree when they tell me that you were a wonderful man.
Everyone loves Jackson, but of course you know that. He's a perfect little piece of you. Everyone you knew that I go on to meet, every single one of them, they tell me just how much like you he is. Sometimes it makes me feel like you're not gone. I mean, how could you be gone when the mini you is still here? But I really do have to accept that you aren't going to come back too me.
It's like a bad break-up of sorts. You're gone and I wish you weren't and I'm falling apart.
Except this isn't a film and you're not going to come back to me once you realise how much you miss me.
I do hope you miss me Kurt.
Urgh, I've done it again. I've spent a whole letter talking about sad and random things. I'm so sorry.
I guess I'm not cut out for this whole writing thing.
I'm going to try to get better Kurt, I promise.
I won't let you down.
I love you baby. You are the reason I wake up every morning. Just the thought of you watching over me is enough to help me go on.
I'll write again tomorrow.
I love you.
xxxx
