Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious, despite wishing upon all of my eye lashes. And I mean all of them. Now I'm an eyelashes-less freak with no Victorious to call my own. Sigh.
I awoke from my dreamless sleep by the sound of muffled crying.
"Oh Cat, sweetie, did you have another bad dream?" Those were starting to worry me, they weren't going away.
"N-noo that's not it."
"Then what's wrong?"
She peaked up at me. In that moment she looked so fragile and hopeless. Pieces of her scarlet hair stuck to her cheek, slightly clashing with the pinkish-red hue of her full lips. Slowly she bit down on the lower and chewed on it nervously. Uh-oh. Cat only did that when something serious is going on. I braced myself for what she had to say.
"I- I'm late."
"You're late? By how much?"
"I was supposed to get it Sunday."
I didn't understand. This couldn't be happening, not after everything Cat's been through! My mouth was on auto pilot and without it even registering I had already asked, "Cat, I know this a sort of sensitive question but… did he use a condom?" Even as the words passed through my lips I already knew the answer.
Cat vacantly shook her head back and forth.
Oh my god. This was too surreal, as hard as I tired I couldn't wrap my head around this. Cat could be pregnant? With Danny's child? As soon as the name Danny crossed my mind I instantly became sick to my stomach.
Cat was still crying steadily, her eyes searching. I could tell she wanted me to say the right thing, make this all better, but I there was nothing I could do about this. For God's sake it was a child we were talking about here! I can't say a few soothing words and make this okay. And that killed me.
I glanced behind me at the clock. It read 1:43.
I took several deep breaths trying to calm myself. "Okay. So we don't know if you're actually pregnant" –Cat shuddered at the word- "or not." You've been under so much stress lately so you could be late because of that. So don't freak yourself out yet." Those words were half meant for her and half for me.
Cat seemed to have taken small comfort in that, but she still looked so fragile, and if I moved the wrong way or said the wrong thing she would break. It made me realize just how carefully I've had to choose my word around her ever since the rape, how every syllable mattered. It was terrifying how much weight a few letters thrown together had. And now there was more pressure on me than ever before. I couldn't mess this up.
As I came to that realization my insecurities came screaming at me.
You can't handle this! You're 17 years old. You need to take a step back from Cat. Everything has always been Catcatcatcat lately, when's the late time you were separated from her?
During our classes.
But that wasn't by choice, and as soon as the bell rang you bolted out of class to race to hers. You're too invested into this girl. And now there's baby involved? That's too much for you.
I would do anything for Cat. I could be there for her, for the baby.
Have you ever thought that maybe you the worst thing for the both of them? They need someone who can take care of them. You can't do that.
I shook my head, as I tried to erase that small voice yelling at me in the back of my head. One thing was for certain, I needed space to figure out where I stood.
"Cat. I'm going to get a pregnancy test. Not knowing is killing me, I have no idea how you're coping right now."
Cat gave me a weak smile. "Because you're here."
That tugged on my heart strings but I couldn't let her drag me in again before I had a chance to figure out what I should do.
"But I need you to stay here," I replied.
Cat opened her mouth in protest, but I cut her off before she could say anything.
"Look at yourself." Although it had almost been a week, the bruise on her upper cheek was still prominent. There were bags under the eye, and she looked so pale that she practically blended into the white sheets. She was exhausted.
Cat stood up and looked in the mirror on her dresser. She did a double take, not even recognizing herself. She touched the bags under her eyes, smiling a little ruefully. "I guess you're right."
That dimpled smile slowly faded and was replaced by falling tears. No, that wasn't right. Tears don't fall, it's never that simple or elegant. Tears come crashing down, violently sucked from the emotions we can no longer bear to keep inside.
I strode over to Cat slowly. Cupping my hands around her temples, I softly touched my lips to the trembling girl's forehead. Murmuring soothingly against it I whispered, "I'll be back as quickly as I can. Please try to get some rest."
"O- Okay." I heard from below me. It was barely a whisper, but it was enough. Drawing my lip back from her head, I grabbed my things and gave her one last hug. As much as it pained me I couldn't stay by Cat's side right now. I needed space.
Driving down the side of the road another battle ensued in my head.
I want to be there for Cat. I would do anything for her, and if she asked me to I would raise that child with her in a heartbeat. But why? I mean I cared for her. But would a best friend be willing to go this far for another? Was there another underlying reason? Was there something between me and Cat?
I slammed on the breaks. NO! No. I cannot think like this right now. I can't like Cat like that. I can't think about her tinkling laugh, the way her hair looks in the sunset, the way her body fits so naturally against mine...
STOP IT VEGA! Cat might be pregnant and the only thing I can think of is my crush on her?! I'm unbelievable! I smacked the steering wheel in frustration, and then froze.
Did I just admit I have a crush on her? Okay. Maybe I do. But involving myself with her now? That's crazy. There was no way she would return my feelings. She couldn't right?
Right Vega. Don't delude yourself. I would just end up confusing Cat or even worst, pushing her away from me.
Guilt washed over me. Cat had never needed me more and now I'm having doubts? I was such a horrible person! Maybe separating myself from Cat was the best thing for her. She didn't need an emotional wreck to be with her right now. She needed someone to protect her, and I can't do that. As much as I want to I can't. For God's sake when she needed me most I practically ran out on her! Stupid!
A baby... God that's terrifying. If I don't trust myself enough to be there for Cat anymore, how will I ever be able to trust myself around a baby?
My thoughts were ping ponging around my head. I felt like a flower being slowly plucked away- does she love me, does she love me not- until there was nothing left to me. And I needed myself to be at my best right now.
One step at a time. Pregnancy test first.
There was a drug store 20 minutes away, I decided to go there. My brief sense of calm was gradually replaced my insecurities once more, but this time it was for another reason. Buying a pregnancy test was going to be so embarrassing. That cashier was going to see I was only 17 and give me a condescending look and what if I see someone I know? What would they say? I don't think I could handle this.
My more rational voice started talking in the back of my head. Tori you're being stupid, once again. You're worried that a rumor will spread about you when your best friend might actually be pregnant? Because she was raped? You're a coward.
I was ashamed of myself. Why did I need to think all these terrible thoughts at the worst possible time? I hated myself for not being the person Cat thought I was. I took a few deep breaths, trying to relax. My head was spinning and I couldn't focus. All these conflicting thoughts washed over me, leaving me an even bigger wreck than before.
Despite it all, I drew strength from the one person confusing me the most. Cat would do this for me.
That's it. I'm going to the CVS and I'm not going to let myself be embarrassed. I'm going to try to be the person that Cat needs. Resolved, I let go of the breaks and began to speed back up. I merged onto the highway when a thought occurred to me.
Wait. Didn't my mom have some pregnancy tests under the bathroom sink? That would solve my problem!
I immediately pulled into a sharp u-turn to head home.
BEEEEPPP!
"Ahhhhh!" I screamed.
I swerved to the left, narrowly avoiding hitting a car driving down the road. Giving me the finger the guy changed into the right lane and sped off ahead of me.
I was still shaking. What was I doing? My mind was so scrambled, I could barely focus on driving. My knuckles were white, gripping the steering wheel for dear life. Okay. I need to calm down. No more thinking for awhile.
I forced my mind to become blank, focusing the sound of the tires against the pavement.
The next thing I knew I had pulled up my driveway. I noticed that Trina's car was parked in the garage.
Oh great. I can't let her see me take a pregnancy test with me. I would never hear the end of it...
But maybe I wouldn't see Trina. It was really late on a school night, and she was probably getting her "essential undisturbed beauty sleep." Which I don't think is working that well, by the way. But there was no way I was complaining about that right now because the thought made relief shoot through my veins. She wouldn't be up!
Striding confidently but quietly through the door, I paused when I saw a figure on the couch. Maybe I was wrong…was that Trina? I turned on the lights and nearly had a heart attack.
There was a strange man sitting on our couch!
And oh my god is that my purple cloud robe he's wearing?!
I screamed at the top of my lungs and he jumped up in fright. He opened his mouth to speak, but I didn't let him get a word out. I grabbed the lamp next to the door and charged at him.
GET
I took a swing at his head.
OUT
Another at his side.
OF
Another at his knee.
MY
I tried once more for his head.
HOUSE!
He managed to duck them all, but after I yelled house he tripped over my robe.
Standing over the man I raised the lamp high above my head. I tried my best to sound menacing when I shouted, "Leave!"
"Tori?"
Oh thank god Trina!
"Trina! There's a psycho in our living room and he's wearing my robe and oh my god he's eating the last pop tart!" I finished noticing the empty wrapper on the coffee table and the crumbs all over my robe.
I lifted up the lamp even higher, my arms shaking from the effort.
"Tori stop! Don't hit him!"
I looked over to her in confusion.
"Tori this is Rick. That guy I was talking to you about?"
Wait. What. Huh?
Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Right. The Rick/Dick dude.
"Oh my god. I am so sorry, I didn't mean to-"
And in that moment I realized I had transferred over to the crazier Vega sister. Great, just great.
Highly embarrassed with a blush staining each of my cheeks, I turned between Trina on the stairs and the man laying between my legs, still cowering in fright.
I took a step back and lowered the lamp, while he scrambled up to his feet.
Well this is awkward. There was a question nagging at the back of my mind that I couldn't shake the need to ask.
"Trina, why is he wearing my robe?"
She started to blush, uncomfortably pulling her own robe tighter against her body.
For the second time that night I had an epiphany.
Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh. Ew!
"Never-just never mind."
Turning to Rick/Dick I said, "Just keep the robe."
I reminded myself to burn it later.
"Well. This has been sufficiently awkward. It was nice to meet you Dick, uh... I mean Rick. I'll be out of your hair in a second."
I ran up the stairs two at a time, trying to leave that particular situation behind me as quickly as possible.
I jogged into my parent's room and to their adjoining master bathroom. I heard Trina and Rick/Dick talking downstairs and I could have sworn that I heard the word crazy being thrown around.
Whatever. That guy's first impression of me was the least of my worries.
I opened up the cabinet below the sink. Hair brushes, extra toothpaste, deodorant, body wash, no pregnancy tests.
I quickly checked the medicine cabinet, which was empty as well. Where did Mom put them? I really wanted to avoid a scene at the drug store, and I had to get back to Cat as soon as possible. I tried the last place it could possibly be. There was a cabinet of drawers in my mom's walk in closet filled with random things. She could have put them in there...
Searching through the drawers I saw old bills, CDs, pictures from her time at college, and, hey were those pearls? I had never seen her wear those before. I picked them up curiously. Below them in the box they came in was a note which read, "You look beautiful tonight. You'll look even more beautiful with these on."
Aww that was sweet. Who knew Dad was such a romantic? Although I had to say his handwriting has gotten worse in the last couple of years, it was so bad I could hardly read it. It barely even looked like his handwriting anymore, he was definitely going to have to work on that. I gently put the pearls back in the box and after searching for another minute I finally found what I was looking for. Success!
I grabbed three of the tests, just to be on the safe side. When I walked out of my parent's room I paused. I was running out of clothes at Cat's house and I wanted to avoid another encounter with Trina and Rick/Dick for as long as possible.
I ran into my room to pack everything I would need until Cat's parents got home. While I was packing my bag I heard the Rick/Dick and Trina move upstairs into Trina's room. At least I wouldn't have to face them again.
I had just finished packing the last item into my bag when I heard a high pitched noise, followed by another lower sounding one. What was going ...wait. Oh my god was that moaning? Nope. Not dealing with this right now.
I flew down the stairs, just as quickly as I had flown up them before. I sprinted out the door, not pausing to look back. Thank you Trina, I am now scared for life. I took a page out of Cat's book and pushed down any memories I had from the past half hour. Focus. You need to get back to Cat.
When I walked through the door Cat was pacing, looking even more anxious then when I left.
"Cat," I said softly, "I thought I told you to get some sleep."
"I couldn't, and you were gone for awhile so I got scared that something happened to you. I called like 12 times."
She did? I hastily checked my phone. Oh, she was right. I guess I didn't notice between driving and Trina and Rick/Dick-
TORI STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW YOUNG LADY.
"Uhh, sorry. I was um… a little distracted. Long story, and not really important anyways. What is important is that I got these."
I fished the three pregnancy tests out of my purse.
"Are you ready?" I asked her cautiously.
"No. I don't think I ever will be."
"They say the anticipation is the worst part."
"I know. But I guess no matter what happens I'll be okay as long as I have you with me."
I smiled warmly at her, and enveloped her into a hug.
"I'm scared." It was barely a whisper, chocked out on the edge of a breath. Finding her voice, she declared a little stronger, "God I'm so scared. I'm scared that the results will be positive. I'm scared what Danny might do if he ever found out. I'm scared because I'm messed up Tori. How can I take care of a child if I continually have these breakdowns? I'm scared that I'm going to mess this up, because this might not be about me anymore. I'm scared because we are 17 year old kids. And I'm scared I'm might lose you."
"You'll never lose me. I'm a little harder to shake then that Red." I pulled back slightly, once again stuck on the right words to say. Nothing came to mind. So I just went for the one thing she needed to hear the most: the truth.
"I'm scared too. Cat you're amazing. If you end up having this baby, he or she will be the luckiest child to ever live, because they'll have you as a mom." That was something I was certain of.
"Or if you don't want to keep the child then I'll support you no matter what you choose. Adoption, abortion… whatever. I'll be there. I don't know how to make this okay. I'm scared that having me by your side is the worst possible thing for you and this baby, because I don't know if I can be the person that the two of you will need. But if you want me to be here then I will. Right now we don't know what's going to happen. Very soon there might be three little minus signs staring at you. This could all be little heart attack we got through together. I just want you to remember something okay? Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go. I know you're not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be."
"O-okay. Thanks Tor." She brought me back in for an additional hug, and my stomach made another unmistakable flip flop.
She let go, gently taking the pregnancy tests out of my grasp.
Giving me a small and unsteady smile, she turned and walked out into the hall and down the bathroom.
I knew I should have felt anxious, nervous, apprehensive, scared, all of the above, but I didn't. Something had finally clicked, and I felt a peaceful serenity wash over me.
I walked out towards the bathroom, and slide down the wall.
All the doubts from earlier were drowned out from this unmistakable certainty. Cat meant everything to me. She always had. I don't know why it took a tragedy for me to finally see it. All those long nights holding her, it was there all along, but I was blind to it. Now there was nothing but clarity. I like Cat. Sure things were complicated now, but let's be serious, it would have been complicated no matter when I figured these feelings out. I don't know if Cat would ever return my feelings. But I was okay with that.
She's the air I would die to breath.
Right now I was at peace with myself. The person I was isn't good enough anymore. This paradoxical girl, both so strong and delicate, needed me to be more. Whatever happens, happens. No matter what I was going to be here for her. And that thought had a sense of finality to it.
Cat creeped out of the bathroom. She had her phone in her hand, a timer ticking down every second. Unlike me she was a nervous wretch. 4 minutes and 48 seconds to go. I reached out my arms to her, offering yet another hug. She collapsed into my embrace thankfully.
We didn't speak. I felt her breath tickle the crook my neck and her ribs rose and fell in time with every click that counted down yet another second. Tick tock. The timer dragged out for what felt like forever. We just sat there. And we waited.
When the timer finally went off Cat jumped slightly against me. She quickly silenced her phone and stood up. She looked back down at me uncertainly. "I don't think I can do this alone."
I knew that she meant more than walking into the bathroom alone. And she wouldn't have to. "I'll be by your side. Always." I stood up and she smiled at me gratefully. We walked into the door side by side, our hands intertwined.
Together we looked down at the three identical plus signs staring straight back at us.
So. Cat's pregnant. Uh oh. Rough times are ahead, just like any other good teenage angst-filled story. And everyone loves a little angst, because after all, you wouldn't be here if you didn't! Am I right or am I right?
Oh. So I'm wrong. You're not here for that. You're here for the... what? The free cupcakes? I wasn't informed of this... I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment.
Also review. Because reviews can be almost as elusive as Waldo. HELP ME FIND WALDO, AND TOGETHER WE'LL BRING WORLD PEACE.
That was a lie. But a review will make me smile and make me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. You, yes you, the one with the the face and the eyes, could have that effect on me. Don't you want to have that effect on me? Thought so.
Love all of you 3
