A/N: Back with another update. Sorry for the long haitus; RL happened as per usual. Thanks to those of you who are still interested and following the story and for the reviews and thoughts.
"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person".
- W. Somerset Maugham
Action Reaction
DS Matthew Devlin is tired and edgy. It's been a long day and it's nowhere near done as he's got a load of paperwork to comb through. He has already made his views clear to SDS Ronnie Brooks regarding the 'leads' on the PC Nick Bentley case. He will continue to do his job and he knows Ronnie is just doing his. But that doesn't mean he agrees with what's happening. Some things just deserve a bit more care. And respect.
He is still trying to get his head around Ronnie's hard line here. Not that Ronnie is backing down an inch.
He just won't let up, Matt thinks as he stamps his feet tetchily, suddenly feeling the bite of the cool autumn afternoon.
On another, deeper level, he also knows Ronnie wouldn't be this stubborn if there wasn't a hint of a smell somewhere. That's probably what annoys him the most. That maybe…just maybe this time, the boys in blue may not be so above board. Maybe.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Junior Crown Prosecutor Alesha Phillips is suddenly standing there holding a still steaming cup of take away tea out to him. Her smile is a welcome sight, and turning to face her, he catches a faint whiff of her lavender shampoo – well he knows now the lavender comes from her shampoo.
Because I have been in her bathroom more than a couple of times now and I've seen it, the anxious voice in his head quickly explains in case the logical part of his brain tells him that this could be, maybe, borderline stalker like tendencies.
Smiling his thanks, he grabs the cup and turns back to the railing.
Alesha had rung him not too long ago for some work matter and sensing his frustration on the phone she suggested he take a break and meet up for a chat and tea. He had hesitated about meeting up with her for half a second before shoving the thought away and had left Ronnie to tackle the statements on his own for a bit.
She knew where to meet him without them even having to agree on a venue. They have met here countless times before.
A makeshift, habitual meeting place which was born months ago during the Merrick trial.
Alesha had been away the last month, on some CPS training program up in Edinburgh, and they hadn't seen each other much since she'd come back last week. The two times they had met had been for work, and if she noticed he was being a bit distant, she hadn't brought it up yet.
She had come a long way since it all happened. She was still going to therapy, but she seemed to be doing as well as one could do given the circumstances.
Matt had made it his priority to be there for her since the rape and he had but, sometimes, she had these…moments. He would watch her stop and look out into the distance, her dark eyes would cloud over and then she would take deep breaths. She always looked as if she was trying to remember something, or more likely to forget. He had asked her a couple of times about those moments, but Alesha being, well Alesha, she just shook her head and told him in her this-is-not-up-for-discussion tone that she was fine.
He had attended a few sessions at Dr. Bradley's office and the doctor had reiterated that Alesha would need time and positive energy to continue on with her life and that it was an ongoing process.
Lately, when she'd been away and Matt was back to being on his own more, he'd started thinking about his feelings for her, about the shift in their friendship. And about her rape. He'd been thinking a lot about that lately.
And now with all the stress around this sensitive case. He can't help feeling a bit…uneasy around her since she's been back. He doesn't want to feel like that. So the fact that he is now here, with her just tells him how even more weird things are.
"So…How's things downtown?" she asks casually as she takes a sip from her own cup and gives him a sideways glance.
He shrugs, and then turns to look at her.
"This case…I dunno. I guess, there is a part of me that still sort of looks at things in this..black and white vein..Like…we're the good guys and they – well out there…anyone is a potential bad guy and…Sorry, I guess I must sound like a naïve idiot.." he shakes his head and runs a hand through his short sandy hair before shaking his head.
Alesha takes her time before answering, "As crazy as this may be to believe, I think to some extent we all romanticize a little about our work. I mean, if I said this to Jess, he would look at me like I had three heads or something but…on some level, we all like to think that it should be black and white. That its easy to make distinctions and all that. But it's not. At least not all the time. Sometimes, when something like this happens and we have to look in…our own backyard so to speak, things can get greyer. And I think…even though you may feel its wrong – 'betrayal of your brethren' stuff even, one thing I know is that you, will, above all, always put the principles of your job and your duty first and foremost Matty."
He is now looking at her as she speaks, her eyes never leaving his face.
He has this sudden urge to reach out and touch her cheek but he can't do that.
She smiles at him reassuringly and he continues to stare at her.
They are silent for a moment, then, he clears his throat loudly and nods, looking away.
"Yeah…well, as Ronnie said '99% times its alright but it's that 1%'..No…you're right…As usual", he says as he turns back to her with a slight grin.
There is so much more he wants to say. If it were the right time. Or thing to do.
She smiles and then they both stand and watch the fading light in silence.
Alesha tidies up her desk, anxious to leave on time today. She has promised Jess she will meet him at the shop and doesn't want to be too late. As she piles folders on the tray she sees George and James doing a shite job of trying to appear like they are not looking at her through the dividing window between hers and James' offices.
Grinding her teeth as she continues to pack up and pretend she hasn't spotted them, she knows they are talking about her.
It was not easy when she first came back to work. It felt like everyone knew what had happened. In a way that was true. People talked. And the Merrick case received international publicity because he had gotten away with it for so long. So many women. Women like her who…
She pauses and takes a deep breath. She exhales and puts her hands down on her desk to steady herself, hoping James and George are now arguing about Premiership scores instead and no longer watching her.
She had told Matt all those months ago that she wouldn't be a victim. In the end they had stopped Merrick. He couldn't hurt anyone anymore. She was going to be okay. She was trying to move on with her life.
It still didn't stop the furtive looks, whispers, and comments that were swiftly cut short anytime she walked into the ladies' room, around the building, and even at the Courthouse.
She had tried her best to ignore it. Eventually it dies down, she has told herself countless times. Just be normal. Just go on.
She knows George, James, as well as Natalie and the others worry about her – she can feel rather than hear their concern since no one has really asked her lately, and she is glad for that. Still, they all receive positive progress reports from Dr. Bradley, and she had recently been earmarked for a training program, so clearly the top brass were happy enough with her work.
As she exits the building her thoughts turn to Matthew Devlin. Inwardly sighing Alesha can't help wondering what has happened with them. She knows that things have changed in their relationship from friendly work colleagues to friends who spend time together. A lot of time together. Since she's been back from her training, she feels like Matt has been acting a bit funny. Sort of like he's treating you with kid gloves. It is a bit confusing. And to be honest, irritating, she thinks.
He wasn't like this the past few months so…Maybe he's got himself a girlfriend or something…which would be fine. Since you two are…well what are you two exactly?
Shaking her head, she quickens her step. She does not want to start speculating that maybe something has changed to make him this way.
No point in stressing out about things I can't control, she tells herself.
"So you think he may be acting strange, yet you won't confront him about it?"
Alesha bites down on her annoyance and not for the first time, wishes she'd never said anything.
Dr. Bradley had a way of asking simple questions that made her feel uncomfortable about answering, mostly because it forced her to think about her thoughts.
Therapists Method/Trick #1, she muses.
"Not exactly…okay..Yes. I think…well, maybe he's tired of being a friend/stand in family member/bodyguard/ and colleague. Maybe", she finally answers.
"Wow..that's quite a mouthful Alesha", the doctor comments.
"And quite a few hats for one person to wear".
"I know. That's the problem".
"Why is it a problem?"
"Well..I guess 'cos…it's been nice. I…appreciate him. Having him around. Doing stuff together…Keeping me company. He's helped me so much. More than he'll ever realize and I am very grateful but…"
"But?"
"I feel guilty. Like I am stopping him from living his life. Doing what he wants to. Having…well being free".
"Okay so…have you ever had discussions about what it is he would like to do? Maybe he's shared this view with you in the past?"
Alesha frowns as she combs through her memory before reluctantly shaking her head.
"No…I mean, we've talked and I have said to him that maybe he shouldn't spend so much time with me..that I am okay, that its really kind of him but I can take care of myself…He just tells me to stop being silly, and when we were together it was great. But…I just want…"
"What do you really want Alesha?"
She takes a deep breath, and then stares down at her hands.
"I just wish things could stay the same. Be normal…But…I know they can't be".
"And you are saying 'it was great'. Is this something that you no longer need or want him to do?"
"I..well maybe he's finally woken up to the realization that he is sick of it? Maybe he wants to do his own thing and that's okay with me. I mean…well…I expected it actually. As for why he may be acting distant, I can only imagine it's because of this. That sounds plausible doesn't it?"
Dr. Bradley stops making notes in her book and then looks up at her.
"Sometimes we assume or imagine things because it's our own way of dealing with things. Looking at it from someone else's point of view can be easier than examining it ourselves. It may work for a time, but there is always a danger that you could be incorrect about the reasons".
Alesha frowns slightly.
"I know I should just ask him what's up but I want him to tell me. I thought…well that we were close enough now to be able to…I dunno…be up front with…stuff".
Dr. Bradley leans forward in her chair so she can look directly at Alesha.
"And is that what you are ready to do too?"
Alesha looks at her, slightly confused.
"What do you mean exactly?…"
"Well, I am sure you are familiar with the expression 'it takes two to tango'?" Dr Bradley smiles at her.
Alesha nods slowly and sighs.
Eventually he does talk to her. In a typically 'Matt' way.
She returns from the rest room to find Matt sitting where he usually does when he comes to her office, perched on her desk talking to Natalie, probably receiving a stern reminder to ensure he and Ronnie do their best to get support from CPS.
Smiling slightly at him, she sits back down at the desk.
"I know we haven't talked much since you got back – apart from work and the other day but…how are you anyway?" he asks cautiously.
She busies herself with her papers instead, and looks down.
"Some days are good. Last week I thought the whole world knew, everyone was looking at me. Well it happens a lot, but then it's to be expected you know", she finally admits as she rifles through her notes.
Matt seems to hesitate again, and she notices. Even though it's gone as soon as it's there.
"You know..um…like I've always said…Well if you need anything…or if you just wanna talk. Or not talk. Or just…just company you know?" he pauses again.
Alesha has to bite her tongue to not roll her eyes or ask him why he's tiptoeing around her all of a sudden.
Again.
"Nothing funny though. I'm not trying to crack on to you-", she cuts him off.
The pang of disappointment is too much for her not to say anything.
"Why not?" she retorts.
Matt gapes at her in surprise, shrugging slightly. He looks…embarrassed, if anything.
And realization makes Alesha feel a bit sad all of a sudden.
Is this what their relationship has been reduced to? Can they never move forward? Maybe he doesn't want to.
She shakes away the internal debate in her head and tries to speak evenly, now looking up at him.
He opens his mouth, and then closes it again. Maybe it wasn't embarrassment she thought she saw. Maybe it was shock. Or…
And how do any of those expressions make you feel better? They don't, the voices reply.
"I'm not broken Matt", she finally finishes off her sentence.
It's long enough for Matt Devlin to get his thoughts back.
"Look um…I think about what happened to you a lot", he says quietly, "I wasn't sure if I should mention it…Sorry…I..I'm a bit crap at this-"
She looks up at him sharply, she knows what he's saying but she doesn't want to go through this again. Not months later. Not with him.
"Just be the same", she interrupts him again, and as she softens her expression, he does too.
"The same as always", she reassures him.
He smiles at her, the dimples flashing at her, as he nods.
A brief crease in his forehead tells her that he's thinking of something. That there is more.
But he says nothing but nods and smiles again.
She wants to go back to how they were before. Not before the rape, but after. But before this. As in today.
Bloody hell, she thinks to herself, what does that even mean?! Forget it. You can only both move forward from here on in.
As Matt starts talking about the charges against Griffin, she sits back in her chair and half listens to him.
Maybe they both have already.
Two weeks later the case has been concluded and PC Griffin is back out there. Alesha nurses her cider at the Barrington street bistro, listening to the talk around her, trying not to overanalyze the results of the case. She is recalling James' reassuring words earlier when she feels someone tap her shoulder gently.
It's Ange who works with Matt and Ronnie. Natalie has invited her along too seeing as she's been instrumental in getting information for the case. Alesha has not had the chance to get to know her better so it's nice to meet up with her after hours.
She moves her bag so Ange can sit next to her at the table. Natalie and Ronnie are sitting across from them complaining good naturedly about their teenagers' behavior as James and George argue with Teddy from the lab about David Beckham's future career now that football is out for him.
Matt comes back to the table with their drink orders. He kneels down between Ange and Alesha, smiling at both of them as he puts a glass of wine in front of Ange.
" 'ere you go 'luv. Glad you could join us tonight. You know Ange has been a gem with this case", he says nodding in Ange's direction, smiling brightly at her.
Ange blushes and brushes a strand of curly hair off her face.
"I was just doing my job Matt. You know…anything to help you…", she smiles at him.
Matt pats her hand, before straightening up and moves to go back to the bar to get the rest of the order, asking Alesha to give him a hand.
Excusing herself, she joins him at the bar, still holding her drink.
Matt taps his fingers on the bar counter in time to the music and Alesha chuckles quietly.
"What?" he asks her.
Her tone is teasing, "So this place – and all the 'weird new age music' have grown on you I see".
"Yeah it's not so bad. You were right – as usual. It's good to have Teddy and Ange here too. She's been really good. Heard the 'Guv saying she might be moving up soon. It will be good to have another team member in our corner".
Alesha nods, and then takes another sip.
"I think she'd like working a bit more closely with you too", she murmurs quietly into her glass, thinking he didn't hear her.
"Eh? What are you on about?"
She shrugs slightly, then smiles cheekily at him.
Matt's eyes widen, and then he sneaks a glance back at Ange who catches him looking and smiles brightly at him. Matt gives her a friendly wave and turns back to Alesha who is now innocently looking at the menu.
"Whatever. You've been spending way too much time hangin' out with Ronnie. You're going all delusional like 'im now. Him and all them bloody theories.."
Alesha lifts up her hands in protest, "Hey, I didn't say anything. It's harmless at any rate. She is good at her job, a lovely person, and a real professional. You guys all work so well together. Besides, don't look so surprised. As if it's the first time…Please," she rolls her eyes at him, draining her glass.
Matt shakes his head and nudges her.
"So what sort of theories does our Ronnie have then? Any good ones? I may be able to confirm, deny, or embellish some of them for him…" she giggles.
Matt freezes for half a second. She doesn't know about Ronnie's theories about his feelings for her does she? She'd better not. Ever.
He clears his throat and taps his nose mysteriously before grinning at her, and then passes her a shot glass filled with tequila.
She eyes the glass suspiciously.
"Um this isn't going to turn into an evening of shots is it?"
"Blimey, I 'ope not! I'm not twenty anymore. No, this one's a celebratory one".
Alesha raises her eyebrows and looks at him, waiting for him to continue.
Matt picks up his own glass. His voice is quieter now.
"It's for getting through another day. Sure we lost. This time. There will be another one. A new day is around the corner. We did our best. This is for PC Bentley and other PC Bentleys out there. And of course, you – I heard, killed it in Court. George said you could be the next James in a few years time. So we should celebrate. Because good things can come out of bad things too. Like…well like you and me – becoming close and…yeah, other things…"
Alesha suddenly feels her eyes prickling with tears. She bites her lip and looks away for half a second before taking a deep breath and looking back at him.
His blue eyes are filled with concern and the grin disappears.
"'Lesh..? I didn't mean for…What's the matter?" he finally asks, moving closer.
She smiles brightly, and hurriedly wipes her eyes.
"No…nothing's wrong I just…Well I thought…I dunno..I guess..I just sort of missed..us. I thought, maybe you were upset about something or we were going back to before when…But I get that…things have changed. I mean, I asked you to be the same, the same as ever, and I know we can do that. But..I am working on accepting that not everything will be the same again. and..yeah, you're right. We should celebrate. Here's to…"
"Another day!" they both say at the same time clinking their glasses together and downing the contents.
Alesha makes a sour face that mirrors Matt's and they both crack up laughing.
After a while Matt falls silent and studies her for a bit. He loves the way her eyes sparkle when she's genuinely happy. He likes the fact that he can make her happy. Even if it sounds daft to say it. Or to think about the possibilities when it won't go any further.
"Alesha..?"
She looks up at him.
"I..I've missed us too…I'm..sorry…that I've been…you know..a bit..weird. When you were gone for work, I had a lot of time to be alone and…I guess…even though time has gone on, I know things will never ever be the same way for you and even though I tried to tell myself I couldn't get affected..well not in the same way you are…I was. I am. And perhaps as I was tryin' to deal with that and get my head around it, I shut you out – without meaning to. And…treated you like it was months ago. So…yeah, I'm sorry", he finishes.
"God! What is wrong with us?! We can stay up all night talking about idiotic celebrity baby names, daft fishing competitions and debating about Messi's points average for the season or whether tuna goes better with pickles or onions and we can't even talk about stuff like this!" She exclaims as they both laugh again, and Matt tries not to notice as she discreetly wipes her eyes again.
He can feel a hard lump forming in the back of his throat again and he knows they've just reached a new level of…whatever. And while neither of them is game to attempt to analyse it right now, at this exact moment in time he is grateful they are still moving forward.
"I know", he finally says in agreement, "but..hey, better late than never eh?"
Giving her a signature cheeky grin, Matt leans back against the counter, his blue eyes focusing on her in that way that always makes her stomach flutter.
Which is daft, she scolds herself. You're not sixteen for goodness sake!
Alesha hops off the bar stool and playfully kicks his leg.
"Well come on you. I can't carry all of these back to the table by myself", she says as she reaches for the drinks tray from the bartender.
Shaking his head and grinning, Matt grabs the tray from her and follows her as she leads the way back.
Ronnie, who has been quietly watching the two of them at the bar all this time, cannot help himself.
"Well it's about time. Look who it is folks! Jack and Jill back from the well to fetch a pail of water. It must've been a far away well!"
Matt merely shakes his head, not bothering to reply as everyone, including him, laughs.
A/N: This one is a bit reflective...dunno if I am completely happy with it but once it came into my head, I felt like it had to be written down so it is what it is :) Cheers for sticking around and reading. Feel free to leave a review folks! Next one up soon.
