The Very Unfair and Messed Up Duel: Part Seven
O_O I haven't had my drugs yet and they're two and a half hours late! O_O
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(swallows pills)
Ahem, right then, where were we? Oh yes, Mr. Romano calmly dials 911, and after a brief moment of being put on hold, the operator sends two ambulances to the site of the Duel. For reasons unknown, they are not taken to the hospital but to that bar called "The Lamb Inn." We must assume this is because since they have no decent drugs in this time period, they need alcohol more.
On to the Screaming Like a Baby Scene:
Horatio is panting because they let Archie ride in the ambulance and he had to run behind it.
By the time Horatio reaches the inn, he hears someone screaming in agony very much like the sissy girl that he really is inside, we can only assume it is Simpson.
He looks up as Horatio enters, glaring. Cleveland points Horatio up the stairs.
"Great." Horatio mutters, "I've gone all this way running and now they make me run up two flights of stairs too!"
"It was in the script." The Director informs him. "Don't blame me."
Upstairs in the room Clayton is in, Archie stands beside the bed. On the other side of the bed is Mr. Carter, with an innocent boyish grin.
In the bed, Clayton is singing "Ding dong, Simpson's dead."
"CARTER!" Mr. Romano growls.
"Hepplewhite was drunk." Mr. Carter defends. "I checked his blood alcohol level." He shows Mr. Romano the results. "See? Totally plastered and didn't belong on a case like this."
Mr. Romano looks awed at the number then turns to the Director. "Right then. Carry on."
"That bad?" The Director asks.
"Frankly I'm surprised he was even walking." Mr. Romano informs her.
Horatio stares at Clayton, who has a bloody bandage around his chest.
As Archie passes, he whispers quietly. "Best not to tell him the Director brought Simpson back. He's so happy this way."
Horatio rolls his eyes and approaches Clayton.
"I killed him!" Clayton tells him proudly. "You saw it!"
"I should 'a shot him in the nuts." The Director comments, quietly.
Mr. Romano nods.
"I feel the need to shoot someone." The Director goes on. "My drugs were late and not working yet."
Most of the cast dives for cover, especially Simpson, who is hiding behind Cleveland.
The Director shoots Dr. Hepplewhite. "Ok, I'm good now."
The cast sighs, relieved.
"Do you want him brought back?" Mr. Carter asks incredulously.
"Nah. Someone go kidnap Dr. Sebastian." The Director orders. "We need a real Doctor."
"Ahem?" Mr. Carter speaks up.
"Besides the one who killed the entire medical team in cold blood with a scimitar." Mr. Romano retorts, sharply.
Mr. Carter rolls his eyes. "Uh huh, and you're the one who shot them all to death not three spoofs later."
"Yes, but I'm not asking to take the place of the ship's doctor, either." Mr. Romano reminds him. "I actually LIKE my current job."
Mr. Carter rolls his eyes again. "Torturing innocent people. You would. It's not all that different than what you were doing before."
Mr. Romano ignores him.
"Security!" The Director shouts.
A "Brother" of Dr. Carter and Mr. Bay comes rushing up to the Director. The cast not familiar with the Security team is staring in shock at the Security guard, whom we'll call Mr. Steve V Raptor. (Mr. Steve) as his wife, Ms. Bridget, his brother, Mr. Nick, and his sister in law, Ms. Sara all have the same last name. For confusion's sake we'll call them by their first names as well as any of the others who are all conveniently wearing their name-tags so everyone can tell them apart.
"You rang?" Mr. Steve responds.
"We need you to run off and fetch Dr. Sebastian." The Director tells him.
"The human that Leon keeps following around?" Steve questions.
The Director stares at him. "Is he still doing that?"
Mr. Steve rolls his eyes. "The human pulled a splinter out of his claw. Leon seems to think he has to follow the human around in return for 'saving his life.' You know Leon ain't right in the head."
"I've noticed that's common around here." Horatio speaks up quietly.
"Don't make me bust your nose, snotty." The Director retorts, with narrowed eyes.
Horatio eyes her, doubtful.
"She'll do it, H'ratio. Don't antagonize her." Archie informs his best friend, under his breath. "She created Dr. Casse after herself."
Horatio stares at Archie in shock. "Are you serious?" He whispers.
"Director's Pet." Archie reminds him. "I learn all kinds of things."
"Continue the scene now." The Director orders, not having heard the whispered convo. "Clayton don't have all night, you know."
A FEW DAYS LATER:
Don't ask how Clayton is still alive, we have our ways of insuring things like this. Anyway, back to the story.
The Director took a few days off for the Christmas holiday and has returned to her seat. We'll note she is wearing a leather jacket. She calmly returns to her seat between Archie and Mr. Romano. "Did I miss anything?"
"Dr. Sebastian arrived to take care of Clayton." Archie replies, not looking up from the book he's reading.
"Oh good." The Director responds. "Steve!"
Mr. Steve rushes over. "Yes Ms. Director?"
The Director hands him a written paper. "Please go back and kidnap the people listed here. When they get here, take them to the Green Room and show them what we've filmed so far on this spoof, then ask them if they wish to stay and see the rest. If not, we'll just bring them in when we get to their parts."
We suspect that most on the list will stay, whether it's to laugh themselves sick or just because they are curious to see Archie's and Horatio's earlier days in the Navy; although they will be warned that it is not all accurate as we've made a real mess of things, but the actual script to the movie should satisfy their curiosity.
"How was Christmas?" Mr. Romano asks absently.
The Director grins "I'm happy with my presents. I got pretty much all I asked for and then some. Four new sets of jammies, some nice fuzzy sockies, a very nice fuzzy blanket, and this."
The Director reaches up the back of her jacket and unsnaps a button. She pulls out a black handled hunting knife with a twelve inch blade.
Archie stares wide eyed. "Wow."
Horatio stares. "Your family knowingly gave you a deadly weapon?"
The Director shrugs. "Sven got a dagger, a katana blade, and a hunting knife; Reyna got two Samarai swords and a bosom knife; and Javier got a set of three Samarai swords, and at least four other various decorated knives. "
"You have a very interesting family apparently." Horatio remarks, shaking his head in disbelief.
The Director returns the knife to its sheath and removes her jacket. "Back to the story."
For the record, we are not a family of homicidal maniacs. We just have several knife and sword collectors in the family. Javier (my brother in law) has a VERY large collection, as does his wife, my sis Reyna. Sven's is not as large, and I myself only have one other collector's knife. A folding pocket knife with deer painted on the side and a very cute decorated three inch blade. The new one looks much like the one Murdoc has in the MacGyver series, except the blade is longer. I'll post some pix of it on my Facebook page later on if anyone is interested in seeing it.
Back to the Story:
Right, where were we? Oh yes, Clayton is dying, Simpson is screaming like a sissy girl, and the Director shot Dr. Hepplewhite. Upstairs in the inn, Dr. Sebastian has taken Dr. Carter's place as the doctor, and Clayton is still higher than a kite, as Mr. Carter, knowing personally the effects of Fentinel, (we won't go into that, but if you've seen season 6 of ER you already know why) has given Clayton a very nice dose of the stuff . . . and on top of this, we will note that behind Dr. Sebastian is a Raptor, whom we'll call "Mr. Leon," who has identified himself as "The Doctor-People's Bodyguard." (for reasons we'll not go into)
Archie gets up from his cushy chair and returns to his place in the room with Clayton, the doctor, and Horatio.
Outside, we hear shouts of people seemingly celebrating.
Clayton, hearing the celebration, grins. "They all know I killed him!" He states proudly. "They're all having a big party."
Horatio rolls his eyes. "Can you go quiet them, Archie?"
Archie stares at him like he's insane. "Quiet who, the whole town?" He retorts, pointedly. "What am I supposed to do, exactly? Tell them all to shut up so my friend can die in peace?"
Horatio stares him down. "You happen to be an Assistant and the Director's Pet." He returns, evenly. "You know as well as I do you can easily shut them all up in an instant."
"True, but that's not in the script now, is it?" Archie points out, smirking.
"Just go down and find out what's going on." Horatio insists. "That IS in the script, after all."
Rolling his eyes, Archie leaves the room, grumbling his complaints about not being allowed to be there for his friend who is dying.
"They're bringing him back anyway, you know." Mr. Romano tells him as he steps outside the inn.
Archie brightens. "Oh, okay. No worries then." He rushes off to see what's going on.
We won't bore you with the exchange between Clayton and Horatio because this one is nothing like the movie as Clayton dies, fully believing he's killed Simpson and Archie and Horatio and all the others are partying down because of it. We'll tell him the truth when he comes back.
Horatio stalks down the stairs, believing he has killed one of his best friends. Of course Simpson has to scream threats to make everyone forget he's been screaming like a sissy girl all this time.
Rolling his eyes, Horatio pulls out a pistol, cocks it and shoots Simpson before calmly walking out the door of the inn.
"He's dead." Archie tells Horatio, rushing up to him.
"Yes, both of them." Horatio replies.
Archie frowns.
"I shot Simpson on the way out."
"No not either of them." Archie corrects him. "Louis! The King of France? Ring any bells? We're finally going to war, and we all get promoted!"
"To war!" The Director shouts, in glee.
A chorus of Raptors comes dancing in, singing the Country's gone to war song from the Marx Brothers' movie, Duck Soup. Much to the surprise of the cast. "To war, to war, to war, we're gonna go!"
Naturally, this would be the time the other raptors have finally returned with their kidnapped victims, who are all staring in shock. The group includes: Sir Edward Pellew, Mr. Anthony Bracegirdle, Mr. Bowles, Major "My Lord" Alexander Edrington, Miss "Her Grace" Kitty Cobham, Mr. William Bush, Mr. Henry Wellard, and Mr. David Hobbs.
Blinking 'His Lord' turns to the Officers standing beside him. "I believe we must be in the wrong place."
"You see any other buildings full of weirdoes anywhere near here?" The Director asks, pointedly.
"What on Earth is going on here?" Pellew asks staring at Hornblower and Kennedy, who are ignoring him completely as they're watching the Raptors sing and dance.
"We're making everyone reenact the first movie." Mr. Romano tells them. "Steve, show them the DVD of what we have now. I think the good Commodore will find the part he missed very interesting."
"Yes, ma'am." Steve replies, ushering the group into the Green Room.
"We'll take a quick break while they watch that." The Director orders.
Archie, still watching the dancing dinosaurs, frowns. "I thought that's what we were already doing."
"No, this is just something from our overdose of the Marx Brothers." The Director answers. "Let's just say it was too much to resist."
And another day later for the Director….who is suffering from really stressful real-life problems I won't discuss on here, just that it's pretty bad for us all and we can use some prayer from friends right now. I'll tell you later Bex. (on the bright side, the cold I had when I typed this is pretty much cleared up now, despite the fact that the "problem" is not cleared up)
The Director enters the room, looking particularly more moody than usual. She is still wearing her new knife in its sheath, and without a word, resumes her seat.
"Uh oh, what happened?" Mr. Romano asks, noting her disposition.
The Director, sounding as if her throat is sore replies, glaring. "You're better off not knowing."
Archie raises an eyebrow. "You sound terrible."
"At this point my cold is the least of my worries." The Director informs him.
"That bad?" Mr. Lights asks, tentatively.
The Director nods. "My mother actually told me not to do anything 'drastic.'"
"Okay, that's bad." Mr. Romano replies, making a face. "Need to vent?" Mr. Romano of course understands real-life struggles and psychotic episodes rather well, as do a lot in the cast of ER.
The Director shrugs. "So here I am. Did they bring Simpson back yet?"
Simpson, wide eyed, ducks for cover. "Could you please vent your frustrations in a way that doesn't involve killing or maiming me just once?" He requests, sounding pitiful.
(O_O Could it be that Sleazebag is finally learning his lesson and may actually become a decent character on the set? Around here, stranger things have happened. We've had several technical "Bad Guys" who have completely cracked and joined us in insanity. If needed though, he can always hang around Ivy. After all, she tamed Jason Voorhees, why not Simpson? Then again, Jason tends to kill people like Simpson. Wait and see, I'm actually letting the characters write themselves in this and even I have no clue where it's going in the future)
Archie frowns. "Where's the fun in that?"
The Director pulls out her knife and a gun. "I'll be right back." She calls out, exiting the room.
"That didn't sound very reassuring." Horatio speaks up, quietly
Simpson, who is just relieved she's left him alone for once, climbs back into the sick berth hammock he's been in since the gunshot.
"Does she do this often?" 'His Lord' asks, frowning.
Romano shakes his head. "Not like that. Something is very wrong this time." He replies, sounding unsure. "Something in her real life, I'm betting. The year hasn't exactly been wonderful for her from what I'm told. Mainly why we've been on break so long from the spoofs. She doesn't take stress very well and this is really her one safe method of venting, but it hasn't been the same since Sven left."
The cast waits, quietly until the Director returns. She hands her very messy knife to Archie. "Can you please go clean this for me?"
Archie stares at the blood. "Um yeah." He gets up, headed for the bathroom.
"Don't cut yourself on that!" The Director shouts after him. "I don't know what's in their blood!"
"Got it." Archie responds.
"Who did you kill?" Mr. Romano asks, quietly.
"Fat Butt, Nazi Dyke, The Wonder Gerbil, Jackass, Weasel and Dorket."
Romano brightens. "Oh how nice." He replies. "Feel better?"
"Not really." The Director responds. "But we can now continue the story. Has everyone been brought up to date?"
"Yep." Mr. Romano answers, as Archie returns from the bathroom with the now clean and shiny knife. "And all have agreed to stay, as they'll be eventually used to reenact their own parts eventually anyway, not to mention they all are interested in what's going on aboard this ship."
The Director accepts the knife from Archie. "Thank you."
"Not a problem." He replies.
"Also I believe since seeing the beginning of the story, the Captain, er Commodore had to offer his apologies to Mr. Hornblower, as he finally sees the duel making more sense, but he will still have to do the future scene as it was in the script when we come to it."
Sir Edward, wearing his Captain's uniform for the spoof, nods, in acknowledgement.
"Okay, continue peoples!" The Director shouts.
Back to the Spoof
"Where the bloody hell were we?" Archie asks, looking confused. "Somewhere in there I got lost." Sighing, he drops more money into the potty-mouth bucket as the Director holds it out.
"Freedonia's gone to war." Mr. Romano informs him, ignoring the bucket.
"Right! One light in the steeple if they're coming by land and two if they're coming by sea!" The Director shouts.
In the distance, someone flashes three lights.
The Director frowns. "They're either coming by land and sea or by air."
"The Blitz, take three?" Mr. Romano asks, frowning, as the entire cast who has certainly not seen the Marx Brothers movies is staring, dumbfounded. (The Blitz, Take Two happened in the beginning of the Narnia spoof, and as the SpoofAuthor is Jewish, I don't have to tell you who won)
"Nah, we better get back to the real script." The Director replies. "I think we got a page from 'Duck Soup' mixed up in the 'Hornblower' script.
The Director and her Assistants toss out the extra page and we go to a scene on board the Slough of—I mean the Justinian, in the Midshipmen's mess, where the mood is very jolly because Jack is in the sick berth for once, and not one of them.
Clayton is now seated in the Peanut Gallery with the others who have yet to enter the story and any number of other characters from the older spoofs that just wanted to know what was going on. We'll also add that Clayton is no longer stoned and is very disappointed we brought Jack back to life.
The Midshipmen's Mess on the Slough of –I mean the Justinian:
The Midshipmen, save Archie are all seated around the table, waiting for news as to whether they're getting a promotion. Archie is off listening in to what's going on. The Midshipmen with the exception of Horatio are all happy. Horatio is all pouty that Clayton is supposed to be dead and it's all his fault. Either that or he's also mad at us for bringing Simpson back . . . again. Possibly both.
End of Chapter Seven: That was a Spoof Chapter. There will be more.
And I apologize that so much of this was spent wasting time. I'll try to have more of the actual story in the next chapter and I hope everyone had a happier New Year than I did. Christmas was wonderful, New Years sucked-Cassi (and in case you're worried, no I didn't lose anymore animals, fortunately)
Authors note: The names of the people killed by the Director are in various nicknames we have given to said people over the course of the Spoof series. In case you're new to the EvilAuthor Spoofs, I'll explain who exactly died when the Director left. From ER, Fat Butt =Dr. Anspaugh, Nazi Dyke =Dr. Weaver, The Wonder Gerbil =Dr. Babcock, Jackass =Dr. Pratt, Weasel =Dr. Edson, and Dorket =Dr. Dorset.
Also, I'd like to thank my reviewers. Becca, (Insane Dragoness) my co-SpoofAuthor since Sven quit, without you, this wouldn't be possible.
Lady E, I love your story, want more. And if you think it's funny now, just wait. We've only just begun making a mess of this series. And yes I kidnapped Wellard for you. ;)
Hornblowerarchiekennedyfan: I think I got that spelled right. Thanks for reading my stories glad you're liking them. Rest assured more fun is to be had.
And for the record, I own all the Marx Brothers movies and had to watch the DVD of Duck Soup for a replay of the "War" scene. Man, I love those movies. Good REAL original slap-stick at its best. (sigh)
