7. A Small Step Backwards

This is a small chapter. It's strange but every time I write another installment, I think it will be only a few more and then I'll be done. I swear these are writing themselves. It just fascinates me to see where this will go. I hope you are enjoying reading as much as I am enjoying writing. Thank you for all the kind words and feedback.

________________________________________________________________________

They'd made love again on the couch, slowly, talking without words. The crescendos were smaller, sweeter intermingled with periods of touching, tasting, holding. They held each other's gaze frequently felt everything and saw everything. It was human existence at its most fragile and fleeting. Neither had ever known anything like it.

They were lying face to face on their sides now just staring. Her beauty was enhanced by wild, matted hair and flushes of red on her cheeks. His head was propped on a cushion, hers rested on his arm.

"It will be like going backwards when we can't do this again. You'll have to push me away and …" Tears pooled in her dark brown eyes and began to spill onto her cheeks. He pulled her to him, felt the wetness on his chest.

"Oh Bella. Bella. Shhh." He rocked her. "Shhh honey. It's Ok. It's Ok."

Her body heaved with sobs. "It's not fair. It's not fair."

"Listen Bella." He kissed her hair. "Listen, I told you before we would try. We would marry and we would try. I meant that. I mean that. It might be easier than I thought. Don't be sad. Don't be. I'm not."

"But you'll be a newborn again! You'll be wild and bloodthirsty. It could take a year or more before," she choked on the words. "I can't live without you for a whole year. I can't. I can't."

"Poor little Bella, I know. I know."

She pushed at him. "Don't patronize me."

"I'm not," he cupped her face in his hands. "I'm really not. I know exactly how you feel. I'm scared too. But I wouldn't trade one second of this time we have been able to spend together, Bella. Not a second. Not a heartbeat. To be able to touch you, make love to you, laugh with you, eat with you, sleep with you. Bella, I was never alive until I met you, never. Not even as a man. I walked through this world dead until you found me. If I died tomorrow it would all have been worth it to me."

"Don't say that! Don't say that!"

He pulled her back into his arms. "Ok. Ok. Sorry. I got carried away. I'm not going to die. I'm not ever going to leave you. They'd have to rip me to pieces first. We don't know if I'm going to be newborn at all, anyway. I might just go back to where I left off."

"You don't actually know that."

"You're absolutely right. I don't. But, Bella," he pulled her face up from his chest again and brushed back the wet tracks of tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. Hearing her cry broke him into pieces. He was shattered and shaky but determined not to let it overpower him entirely. "You don't know that it won't happen either. It's uncertain. It's all always been uncertain. You coming to Forks, our meeting, my ability to hold back from ripping you apart. The odds have always been mounted against us. Always. But here we are Bella, thriving. We've done it before. I have to believe that we can do it again and you have to believe with me. Nothing worth anything comes easy, Bella. Nothing. And this is worth everything."

She nodded.

"So stop crying or I'll make you explain to me in detail how the chocolate box map works again."

"Stupid. The descriptions are right underneath the drawings." She laughed and hit him with no actual force. He kissed her wet and salty mouth.

"Your eyes are all red from crying and you still look like an angel. If I didn't love you so much I would say it should be illegal for someone to be this beautiful."

"Oh shut up. You've always been the beautiful one."

"Don't be silly. I am a hideous monstrosity compared to you. It amazes me how fooled I have you. Should you ever actually learn to see clearly I will be in big, big trouble." He dried her face gently with a corner of the blanket.

She sighed heavily.

"Well now what, mopey?" He kissed the tip of her nose, then her chin.

She was cute when she was angry, frustrated, upset. Hell, she was cute all the time.

"I just can't stop thinking about how much time is left in this day."

"Not a glass half full kind of girl, huh? What a surprise! And you've chosen a difficult, nay impossible, relationship with a vampire to help you see the world all brightly and new."

"Stop mocking me."

"Bella, Bella, Bella." He rolled on top of her. "We have the time we have. Worry, dwell on it and you will never forgive yourself for the time you wasted and I'm not going to let that happen."

He kissed her cheek. "Because I love you."

He kissed her other cheek. "I adore you."

He kissed her mouth. "I worship at the altar of you."

"Ok. Ok." She kissed him back. "Better?"

"It's a start."

"So what does human Edward want to experience while he still can?"

"Hmmm…" he raised an eyebrow. "Anything with you is delightful, my love. But I suggest we shower soon before we do anything else. Because, lady, we both smell pretty funky."

Her whole body twitched with hysterical laughter. "I know. I know. And Charlie is going to know instantly what happened on this couch."

"I'm sure we can fix it." He surveyed the state of the disarray. "Ok. I'm sure I can buy him a new one."

He sat up and pulled her with him. She was still laughing as they mounted the stairs.

"Shower first and then we clean and repair." He dragged her along.

"I shudder to think what my bedroom carpet looks like with all that melted chocolate ice cream in it."

"Awwww. Did it all melt? Now, Bella, that's a real tragedy."