Author Notes: Reviews are yummy. But if they have valuable information they're delicious!
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Fai picked up a couple large bags of assorted candy and smiled to himself, wondering what else he could do for the little kids that would run up to his house in a weeks' time. He had gotten permission to use the small front yard, and Kayla was coming over to help him since she was at the age now where she couldn't get away with trick-or-treating. He hadn't said a word to Kurogane, but it wasn't like they had been very verbose over the last couple months. September had dragged by - but October had been hell.
He yawned and walked to the front counter, placing the decorations he had collected and the candy on the table top. He smiled kindly and silently at the cashier just to be polite, and took out his wallet, which was on a chain attached to his black jeans. It was the same, bright glimmering silver as the silver ear cuff on his ear in the shape of a spider and web. (1) The left ear bud of his cheap, scratched mp3 player was permanently bound to his left ear, playing anything with a good beat and lyrics that could not relate to his life. While the cashier read him his total, all he could hear on his left side was "YOU'RE PARALIZED! 'CAUSE THIS IS-"
He handed the man some bills, took his bag, then the change, nodded and left through the automatic doors of Artic's Rite Aid at a fast pace, his long legs carryinging him back home.
Kurogane was sleeping, or so it seemed. Fai was now working all day at the diner, then coming home around five to sleep and eat before going back out for his graveyard shift, so they hardly talked. Kelsy came in to the diner every so often, and she was like a natural bill board. She told everyone about the great food and Fai's looks, and soon many teenage girls were coming to have brunch just to see the head waiter.
Fai opened up the bag just for fun and took out a small bite-sized Snickers. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw the next move coming, and quickly shoved it into his mouth, but then there was something on top of his lips, crushing his lips, teeth clashing accidentally. It was not within Kurogane's limits to be gentle and slow after two months of being ignored and being looked at with glares that set a stone into the pit of his stomach. Still, when he pulled away with his back to Fai, he knew there would be a hateful glare or a terrified look, but both were heart breaking, so he did not care which.
"I wanted that."
"Next time I'll be sure to throw it up for you," Fai murmured under his breath, trying to even out his breathing. Though the kiss had been forceful and painful, his body had reacted. His skin had flared into a small blush and his breath had cought, and his body had wanted to deepen the situation, but his concious had stopped him. He knew now that Kurogane would not take advantage of him, even if he kissed him randomly. Because Kurogane knew the conciquences like a dog scared of it's master. Even though his nerves knew this, he still felt queazy.
Still, the dog did not scamper away.
"Well?" shot the mage.
"PUT YOUR HANDS ON MY WAIST-" Fai was tempted to actually yank his ear bud out.
"I just wanted to get you still and tell you some news: You can't think I'm going to just keep sacrificing one thing after another. First, it's my freedom. Second, it's my arm. Third, I have to fucking spill my heart out which was pretty painful, and then I have to restrain myself all the time? I'm done. And don't you dare make a comment about me getting my arm out in the end - I don't care if the fucking cops told me to keep my sword put away."
The mage jeered, "You call sexually harassing me restraining yourself?" even though inside, he was just realizing something: that little part of him, the scarred one, the one that became crippling painful - it was the selfish, horrible side of him. Kurogane was so right: Fai hadn't done shit compared to the ninja, so why was he being such a child?
"BABY COULDJA BLOW MY HEART UP?" Fai's hand itched to pull out his earbuds.
"See?" Kurogane's hands balled into fists by his side. "Why are you acting like this, bastard?"
He couldn't keep this up. Poor Kurogane...mabe. After a few moments of deep thought, guilt rising in his chest, Fai murmured "Because I don't know what else to do."
"Don't pull that shit with me-"
"Dammit Kurogane!" Fai suddenly exploded, fists balled by his sides, head down so his bangs covered his eyes. "Do you think I want to have this - this condition? I want to believe every word you say, but I can't, I just can't. Okay? Do you think I want to be so fucking selfish? Do you think I want to be this way?"
Kurogane still would not turn around. "Just try to understand my side," was all he growled. "You have to remember how I am and try to understand that. If you can't..." His voice dropped gravely, forcing Fai's head up with a jerk and his fists to loosen. "I just don't know anymore."
Fai was happy Kurogane didn't turn around, because he couldn't lie in Kurogane's presence now. The ninja's heart would have shattered had he glanced back, because the scariest thing to Fai now was loosing Kurogane completely. Not that it hadn't hurt, but over the last couple months at least Kuro had been there. If he was gone....If Kurogane were to leave him, Fai would be alone, again, wallowing in a newborn pain. If he couldn't see the ninja's face every day and know there was one person who cared, one person who, mabe, loved him.....
Pulling his breath from where it had cought in his chest, Fai tugged his voice into something presentable. "I...understand."
Fai ended up oversleeping, because depression-bringing worry brought on two things in his case: the need to sleep for half the day, and the need for alcahol. Kurogane wasn't home - he guessed the ninja was off by the cliff or something, but he hardly had time to think before rushing to Cumberland Farms in the dark, head a mess. He went home afterwards and slept some more, making sure to actually show up on time at the diner, though his boss could tell there was obviously something weighing on his mind.
He'd realized something. Kurogane was the type of person where every growl, every mutter or comment ment something very important deep down. He care was shown in this gruff, deciving comments. He wasn't the kind of man who would nurture him, and he'd known that from the start. Why had he expected it here? What was wrong with him? Dumbass....
So what could he do? Should he go home with his newfound thoughts and just be happy and hyper, or should be approach Kurogane carefully? Should he wait for the other to make the first move? Why was he overthinking this so badly?
Five o'clock came much too fast, and he found himself at his front door. Kurogane, thankfully, wouldn't be home for a bit longer, though he didn't want to think about that. He ended up on the large comfortable chair in front of the T. V., curled up comfortably watching the news. A car crash, three dead. A man convicted of murdering his girlfriend. The dropping economy. God, or whatever was up there, life was depressing. Oh, look, one positive story. Roger Williams Park Zoo? A Newborn elephant? I'll have to tell Kurogane we have to go there sometime.
Right on cue, the door opened. "Idiot, you here?"
Fai thought for a quick moment after answering "In here, bastard." Was Kurogane just unoriginal, and was Fai's name just nick-name proof? Was that what he had come up with for a pet name instead of something like "Kuro-poo". Did Kurogane miss being called those things? The way he had acted in Tokyo....
"Hm," he said, catching on to a new story about some seventeen-year-old that had been in the middle of distrubution of fake licenses to minors. "Seventeen. Same age as me," he murmured. He glanced back to Kurogane and said, "Did you know that, Kuro-sama?"
He seemed to notice the use of a nickname. "And?"
"Scared you sexually harassed a minor?" Fai provoked.
"You're the one who told the goverment you' re twenty-one," the ninja muttered as he sat down on the couch. He glanced at the mage, a bit suspiciously, a bit curiously.
"Duh, that's drinking age," answered the blonde, rolling his eyes. "I'm twenty-one in Nihon years anyway, so same difference."
"Stop talking like Kelsy," Kurogane muttered, his eyes flashing a bit.
Fai looked back to the T.V., asking absentmindedly, "Are you going to help me for Halloween? Kelsy's coming over. We decided on an Alice and Wonderland theme. She'll be Alice and I'm the Mad Hatter. You can be the doormouse, Kurgie!"
"Never!" spat the ninja, and Fai laughed. After a moment, Kurogane added, "And?"
"Well, we're going to set up a big tea table like in the movie - I'll have to rent it so you can see it - and we'll give the kids candy when they run up. I don't think I'm going to go with the traditional Hatter outfit though," he added.
"Tch."
"Come on," Fai said, happy that he had been accepted so easily. "You'd look cute as a doormouse!" Actually the thought of Kurogane being cute was out of the question. He was a sexy beast.
"-The Hell?" snapped Kurogane, though he blushed a bit like a whining child, acting a lot like he had as a child, because being "cute" was a baby factor, and he had always hated people calling him a baby - babies weren't needed for anything but love.
Fai smiled a bit and said, "Well, I guess we could change the cast a bit. I mean, it's already not going to be perfect. Who says the Mad Hatter doesn't have his own ninja?"
"Never."
"You're right. That would mean you're submitting to someone else." He turned back to the T.V.
Kurogane glared at the side of Fai's face. Was that it at all? Surprizingly, not really. A bit, but it was mostly the fact that he was not one to submit to anyone in general, and the idea of Halloween was stupid, anyway. But Fai seemed into it-
"Or you could be the hare!" Fai suddenly broke down, head flung back into the chair with laughter. He gasped for breath, his speech coming out in incoherent words. "You....bunny suite!....omygod!....Playboy...bunny!...."
"WHAT?" The ninja sprang to his feet, blushing a bit.
Whatever Fai tried to say was lost in his magical laughter, his whole body shaking in the chair. All he could see was a picture of Kurogane with bunny ears and the traditional black playboy bunny suit, complete with a bushy tail on the end. He couldn't get the disturbing picture out of his head, and he was brought to tears quickly.
Kurogane knew what playboy bunnies were, and the subject brought up images of Fai up. Even though the mage didn't know it, the ninja had had a couple....unfortunate dreams before, and to his dismay his mind conjured up pictures of Fai's flushed, sweaty face, only with bunny ears. He felt the usual rushing of blood to an unmentionable area, and before the mage could notice and strode away with, "Idiot!"
"Moron!" Fai called, still laughing. After a few minutes he settled into the chair, chuckling every so often. He set his content eyes on the T.V. again, a small ironic smile playing on his lips. Oh, how wonderful it felt to laugh like that, to be happy. Too bad it was a rare occurance.
Suddenly Fai remembered some decorations he had bought recently, and he went out to hang them up, tempted to whistle. Kurogane heard the door slam and thought the mage had gone with Kelsy before work, like he had done before.
Fai was shaking like a leaf for no apparent reason exept he was scared. He was standing the dark room beside the bathroom door, unable to move.
Kurogane hadn't heard in walk in, for the first time ever. He'd walked to the bedroom doorway to find Kuro restless, opting to dig through their closet for night clothes. By accidennt he'd pulled out something of Fai's, glaring at it before hopelessly slamming a hand into the wall. That was when Fai had noticed that Kuro was pitching a tent in his pants and moved away to hide, just before the ninja strode out and into the bathroom. He had crept to the door moments later, shaking a bit, wondering what he should do, when all of a sudden he heard a muffled groan....
Kurogane was a man, of course, but now it seemed to much more real....Of course Kurogane needed to do that every once in a while...But what was with the way he had acted with Fai's shirt? As another small moan floated to the mage's ears, he remembered the timed the ninja had said he looked sexy, or something he did was sexy, or something about him was sexy....Did that mean that the ninja was turned on by him? But he had been pitching a tent even before he'd picked up the shirt, the blonde remembered....Had Kurogane fallen alseep while Fai was in the yard and had a wet dream? Or had he conciously thought of such things?
The mage shook harder as he moved to the wall next to the bathroom and covered his mouth, muffling a small squeak. But it did not help, and all noise in the other room suddenly came to an abupt stop, and there was a mutter of, "Fuck" and a zip. Then the door opened.
Fai, hands still clasped over his mouth, body still shaking, knees bent on the verge of buckling, looked up at the older man, who was blushing a bit wheather it be from embarrasment or lust. However, he still was snappish as ever, even if was from guilt: the face Fai was making was horrible.
"Next time tell me when you come back in!"
He was still hard, Fai saw.
"Hey, up here!" snapped Kurogane, a bit flustered at the sight of Fai's eyes traveling downward shakily. Still, he could feel himself getting worse, even though he didn't want to.
Fai's eyes returned to the ninja's face, though his condition did not better.
"Idiot, don't look at me like that....I am a guy, you know. What's the problem?" Kurogane knew Fai was aware of that obvious fact, and would understand unless he knew what had turned him on.
"N-nothing," murmured Fai, surprized his voice even worked, pushing himself away from the wall shakily.
Kurogane, feeling very guilty, put an arm out to stop him. "Idiot, don't do this." Fai moved back against the wall again, now standing reletively strait. "Does it have something to do with the subject of sex being brought up again?"
Fai couldn't answer.
"Look, I'm not going to push you into it," said Kurogane gruffly.
The mage swallowed hard, head turned away, eyes on the floor. "U-um...I-f...w-when we...end up...." Kurogane blinked. "I t-think I-I'm going to have to...t-top." He swallowed again, making sure not to look at Kuro's face. Why was he doing this? When had he decided on this? Why wouldn't he shut up? "I...c-can't...don't trust you enough...."
Before he knew it, Kurogane was hugging Fai and murmuring "It's okay...It's okay...You trust me enough to give me whatever small power comes with being bottom. It's okay."
"Kurogane...." Fai's voice was monotone. "We both know that...w-when it happens, you won't want to be bottom. I know you. You want to be in control. You want to top. You're bigger, stronger...it makes sense." He felt Kurogane tense under him.
"Just....Just give me a bit of time. I promise you I'll let you top me."
Fai wanted to push him away violently. He knew Kurogane was lying. "And you won't hold back? You won't just lay there, gripping the sheets, hoping I'd get done so the next time can come and you can top?"
Kurogane sighed. "That's why I said give me time to get comfortable with the idea, idiot."
Slowly, Fai moved his head so it was buried into Kurogane's shoulder, gripping the side and front of his shirt lightly. "Thanks for being...realistic."
"I love you." It felt amazing to say that without a doubt.
"I think I might love you, too," he allowed, pain filling his chest. He turned a bit sarcastic, murmuring, "Isn't it funny how you tell me that when we're talking about sex."
Kurogane was smiling the biggest one had had ever smiled in his whole life. He ignored Fai's sarcasm. "That's enough. That's more than enough."
Fai twisted his hands nervously the next night as Kurogane took his shower. He didn't know if he was supposed to be ready that or not. He didn't know what to expect. Then he heard his cell phone go off, and took the excuse to hurry out of the intimidating bedroom and into the kitchen
There was a text:
Fai.
Thank you. Thx for making me smile, and laugh. I'm srry I didn't hint earlier. I really luv u as a person. But I didn't luv my boyfriend, or my parents. My bf beat me, violated me, and made me push everyone away till I was alone. My mom got drunk every night and couldn't or just didn't care. My dad was hardly home. All I really wanted to say is good-bye and I hope you and Kuro have a great future. I know he saw through me. Now I know why you love him.
"OH GOD!"
Fai's fingers sped around the keypad.
But no one heard the first ring.
No one cared the second.
The third and the boyfriend only wondered
why the line was busy.
And at the fourth the drunken mom
was annoyed by the singing.
At the fith the only one who cared enough
was crying uncontrollably.
By the fith Kurogane was stepping out of the shower soberly
Unaware a life was gone.
Number six and all hope was gone,
Exept for the desprate last
And at the magic number seven,
the ninja heard a crash.
Author notes:
More angst. But at least I'm not as confusing as CLAMP, right? The second part, starting with Fai coming back in, was actually written in advance and I decided it would be okay for this chapter. If something doesn't match up, tell me; I might have screwed up changing some details.
(1): The spider ear cuff: .
