Inner turmoil, love and appreciative words are the key to a heart
Sunday morning
Mac arrived at the Curtis home about eleven. Ponyboy sat on the porch and was reading a book.
"Hi, Mac cool you move in. Can I help you?"
"Good Morning Ponyboy. No, thank you, I just have this suitcase and the duffel but you may show me my room."
"Sure, come on."
"Good Morning Mac," Darry greeted.
"Good morning, Darry."
Pony showed him to his room and then went back to his book. Duncan then set himself up in his new room.
After that he opened the door to Sodas room. "Good morning Sodapop."
Soda sat sullenly at his desk and wrote his sentences. He looked up and yelled, "Get out; I want to have my peace of mind!"
"You know the rule, the door remains open, Mac said calmly. We'll talk later." Mac joined Darry who dealt with the bills.
"Huh, Soda is in a bad mood this morning."
"Yes, you can say that again. I had a hard altercation with Soda last night. He does not agree with you staying with us."
"That was to be expected." Mac said.
"He ran away and was sassy to me. I have grounded him for another week."
"Good, he needs as much parental attention as does Pony. He is sixteen and you have to treat him like a teenager even when he works and brings money home. He is not your equal and I know it is hard for you but you have to be consequent."
Mac noticed the pile of documents. Darry looked a bit lost.
"Can I help you with this? Mac asked.
"Yeah, sure to be honest I can use help. I still have to do the tax return."
"Oh yes, that's urgent. The deadline has expired two months ago."
Mac sat down next to Darry and they worked on them for the next couple of hours.
Mac recognized that the income of the small family in spite of their hard work was very low. Nevertheless, he was pleasantly surprised by Darry. He even had set up a college fund for Pony.
It was easy for Mac to get an overview, because Darry had filed all the documents.
"I wonder only about your social worker. Why did she not help you with such things? Financial Advice and support in these things would have been important. I noticed that you never have received child benefit for Ponyboy or Soda."
"Mac, I asked our social worker, but she told me I had no claims to financial support from the state."
"I'm sure Darry that's not true. For now I will give you enough money so you can pay all the open bills. I don't want you and Soda to work that hard and still be in debt."
"Huh, thank you Mac. It will help us a lot. You don't need to thank me, we are a family and I'm here to help and take care of you."
"Have your parents completed a life insurance policy?"
"I don't know Mac, I'm not able to enter their room and look through their documents. The only thing that I get out of their room was the letter to me," Darry said, close to tears.
"Shall I look through the documents for you?" Mac asked and patted Darry's shoulder gently.
"Yes, I'd be happy."
"I'm sure your Mom insisted on a life insurance policy. This would also help financially. If I'm right you may give me a power of attorney, so I can officially take care of it and make the necessary inquiries with the insurance company."
"Yes, sure that I can do."
"I am of the opinion that you were not sufficiently supported by the social service, especially in the area of parenting, in the financial and tax return. Maybe we should talk together with your Social worker and perhaps with her Supervisor about it."
"I' don't know if that's a good idea Mac. She had always a rather negative attitude towards us.
I have anxiety before each visit. She has often threatened me to place Ponyboy and Sodapop in a boy's home or a foster home."
"Darry there is no reason to do so, especially because you care and look out for them. You're doing what you can, do not forget, not only Soda and Pony lost their parents, you too. You needed support not further pressure. My God Darry, you are just 20 years old. It is not easy to change rolls from big brother to guardian and parent. You did a good job and I'm proud of you."
Pony had read on the porch in his book, but still listened to what Darry and Mac discussed. Suddenly it became clear to him that he had not made it easier for Darry. He realized under what kind of pressure his big brother really was in every aspect.
He thought an apology was due and he entered the living room. "Hi there, was your book exciting?" Mac asked.
"Huh, honestly, I could not concentrate. Darry I'm sorry, I did not understand how much pressure you had. It would certainly have been much easier for you if you had opted for college and let the state take care of Soda and me. I 'm trying to be better, I promise."
"Oh, Pone come here. Darry enveloped him in a big bear hug. Please do not worry or feel bad about it, you're not old enough for it. You have already lost and suffered too much.
You're my little brother, and it goes without saying, that I care about you. I have not always done the right thing as your guardian. I'm really sorry Pony. I was stricter with you than with Soda. I just realized it now. But only because I 'm very worried about you, little buddy. You're still a child and you lost your parents too early."
"Darry I love you!"
"I love you too, Pony. Don't ever doubt it, okay. "
Soda was all day penned up in his room busy writing down sentences as commanded. He hated it and was mad. Therefore he closed the door again and again. Either Mac or Darry would check on him regularly and open the door again. Both remind him in a calm tone, you know the rules, the door remains open. That made him more furious each time they checked on him.
Darry and Pony had decided to cook dinner and Mac was supposed to check on Sodapop.
The door was of course closed. Mac opened the door and entered.
"You really are a stubborn and unreasonable child. You're grounded only the first day and you almost reached the limit to get a second week. Good job, little buddy."
"Get out you bastard, let me alone. I do not want to hear your comments son of a bitch. You are neither my dad nor my guardian. You are nothing to me, just a nuisance. I have you motherfucker only to endure because my stupid big brother let you stay here."
"Are you finished with your insults and shouting?" Mac asked in a too calm tone.
"No asshole, get out then you may have your peace!"
"Sodapop that's enough," Mac said quietly.
"No, not at all, it's just the beginning."
To Sodas surprise Macleod left the room. Soda slammed the door. Mac went in his room and fetched the little soap bar form the hotel and thrust it in his jeans pocket. He also took some deep breath to calm himself.
Mac reopened the door to the boy's room and stepped inside.
"Well, my little one, now you've gone too far. I told you yesterday every action has a reaction."
To Sodas surprise Mac grabbed him and pushed him into the free corner of his room. He then moved Sodas arms over his head and fixed them there. Soda tried with all his might to fight back but Macleod was so much stronger and heavier than he. A warrior as depicted in history books.
He stood there with his face in the corner and had no way to escape. He yelled and raged but nothing helped. Mac just held him and did not respond to his insults.
"Huh, Darry that sounds not good at all, Pony said worriedly. Go up and try to mediate between them."
"No, I promised Mac that I will not interfere. He was head of a children's home for a few years after the Second World War. He knows what he is doing. He won't hurt Soda."
"Mac is kind and I feel safe with him around," Pony said.
"To be honest little buddy, I feel the same way but Soda obviously not."
"I don't understand Sodas reaction. All of a sudden he is so angry and mad. It's scary, Darry."
"He did not have it easy in the last months. He misses our parents but also his girlfriend. He has to process a lot and has trouble with it. I hope Mac can help him work out his emotional chaos."
Soda was now extremely angry and felt so helpless at the same time. He was furious because Mac did not react.
Mac just held him in place and when the opportunity came up he placed the little soap bar in Sodas mouth. Soda tried to spit it out, but Mac held his left hand over his mouth.
Soda recognized that he had no chance and calmed down for a while. He was exhausted. He would have collapsed when Mac had not held him up. He began to sob out desperately and tears rolled down his cheeks. He was not able to stop it. He felt so weak and worthless.
Mac let go of him, scooped him up and carried him to the bed. He sat down and placed Soda comfortably on his lap. He fetched the empty water glass from the nightstand and held it under the boy's mouth. "Spit it out now." Soda immediately obeyed.
Mac rubbed soothing circles into his back. "You are safe with me, just let it out." He repeated this sentence like a mantra for a very long time. Eventually Soda calmed down and relaxed.
Soda had his arms around Mac's neck and buried his face deep into his chest. He was very ashamed and he felt drained. He knew he had behaved impossible nevertheless he felt it was difficult for him to apologize. Even if his parents wanted this man to be his guardian it was easier and safer for him to see Macleod as his enemy. Mac still rubbed circles in his back but was tranquil. They sat there for quite a long time.
"How are you feeling now," Mac asked.
"Huh, I feel exhausted and drained," he mumbled in Macs chest.
"That was to be expected. Don't try to stand up until I give you permission and now look at me," he instructed.
Soda was not able to look at Mac. He felt like a little kid, he was too embarrassed.
Mac grabbed his chin and turned his head upwards. "You always look at me when I talk to you, little buddy," Mac said strict but not unkind.
Sodapop blushed; Mac thought that it looked adorable.
"You may speak up now and apologize but be respectful and no swear words."
"I'm sorry that I insulted you," Soda said not really meaning it but just saying it for the easy way out of this situation.
"I know you just say it for an easy way out of this situation, but I accept your apology Sodapop. However, I will not hesitate to punish you again, if you don't keep your mouth in check or give me any attitude or trouble. Next time you will find another soap bar in your mouth when you use swear words followed by a spanking if I find it is necessary. That's your last warning. Understood, Sodapop?"
"Uh, yes Mac, I do." Soda said.
"You may stand up," Mac allowed. Soda obeyed and Mac stood up too and enfolded the teen in a big bear hug. This really surprised Soda. Macleod then kissed him on top of his head and petted his neck. I love you Sodapop, but that does not excuse your bad attitude towards me. I'm serious; I want you to think about it."
Soda blushed again.
Huh, the man was strict, but he had been really nasty and insulting. Nonetheless he felt comforted and touched but also irked by Macleod's calm and caring behaviour towards him.
Mac was aware the fight between him and Soda was not over and would possibly spark again soon. Soda had said, you are neither my dad nor my guardian. You are nothing to me. Soda sorely missed his Dad and the parental attention, something Mac could provide and nurture. Darry was not able to give him that because of his age. It was just impossible for him and surly not his fault.
Mac let go and said. "Please, go wash your mouth, face and hands, then come downstairs. Your brothers cooked dinner for us."
After dinner Darry sent both boys a bit early to bed. Soda shot him a dark look and obeyed reluctantly. Pony just laughed and said, "It is more comfortable to read in bed anyway."
Darry informed Mac that Pony had decided that he wanted to go back to school tomorrow. "Steve and Two will take care of him as good as possible at school. To be honest Duncan I'm worried that the Soc's attack him. "
"I'm worried too. Tomorrow morning I bring Ponyboy to school and speak with the principal about his safety. After that I go grocery shopping."
"Thank you Mac. I appreciate your help!"
"You're welcome."
"Care to tell me what happened with Soda," Darry asked.
Mac told him what happened. "Soda said to me that I'm neither his dad nor his guardian and that I'm nothing to him. It shows that he sorely misses his Dad and the parental attention, therefore he resents me. He wants to be an adult but of course he isn't yet. He loves and trusts you Darry but you are his big brother and he has a hard time to see you as his parent."
"You are right; I realized that in a way it is easier to be strict with Pony. The age difference is six years. It's not possible for me to be really strict with Soda because I regarded him as my equal but he isn't.
I allowed him to do what he wants and to interfere with Pony's up brining. He takes sides and I'm often the bad guy. I'm too dependent on his opinion. I'm glad you now are strengthening my back and that's hard for him. He senses that something is changing and holds you responsible for it."
"I'm sure if he knows me better, he will shed his hostile behaviour."
"I'm sure he will," Darry said. I'm tired after a short talk with my pouting little brother I go to bed. Good night, Mac."
"Good night, Darry sleep well."
Darry opened the door to Sodas room and entered. His little brother was pacing.
"I told you that the door remains open. Stop disobeying me. Sit down on the bed Soda, he ordered sternly and sat down in the armchair.
Sodapop glared at him and then continued his pacing.
I said sit down," Darry said forcefully.
"No, I don't want to sit down I was penned up the whole day in my room."
"Sit down, Soda," Darry yelled this time.
"No, just get out Darry I don't want to talk to you. I'm mad at you. Send Macleod away, we don't need this asshole in our life. I told you so."
"Soda, you are wrong. We are miserable and you know it. We struggle every month to have enough money to pay all bills. I'm often overwhelmed with our situation. I'm at a breaking point. We all are. Our situation gets worse and the twins are still in foster care."
"No, Darry you just want an excuse to let me and Pony down. Macleod is your opportunity to leave your family and go to college. I hate you."
That was definitively enough for Darry, he needed another approach. Darry quickly stood up and grabbed Soda. He sat down on the bed and moved him on his lap face down butt up.
A very surprised Soda struggled and tried to stand up but Darry was determined to teach his little brother a lesson.
He informed him annoyed; "I want you to know the following little brother: I don't let you, Pony or the twins down. I love you and your siblings but I'm at a point I need some help. I'm only twenty and it is very hard to be a parent instead of a big brother. Mac can and wants to help us and he is family. I have enough of your bad behaviour Soda, now you feel the consequences maybe that helps to adjust your attitude issue."
He pulled Sodas pyjama pants down and started to spank him. He remembered how his Dad had spanked him and used the same technique. He kept up his steady spanking rhythm until he had dealt him 30 hard swats.
Soda had been surprised by Darry's reaction and it only made him angrier. He tried to be cool and indifferent. Throughout the spanking he had not made a sound.
He heard Darry say; "I think that was long overdue. I realized that I treated you as an adult, but you're definitively a little brat.
You are only just sweet sixteen and therefore still a minor. From now on I treat you as the teenage boy you are. You will obey me and Mac. You will behave polite and respectful, or you will be punished. Got it?"
Soda said, "Since Macleod has appeared out of the blue, you act crazy. Just become normal again you lousy bastard!"
Darry gave him ten slightly stronger swats.
"You're grounded for another week. And I warn you, if you don't immediately improve your behaviour I ground you even longer. Be aware, that I will spank you again if necessary.
Note, that I am your legal guardian. I decide about Ponyboy's and your upbringing. You will no longer interfere between Pony's and mine relationship. Concentrate on improving your behaviour. Understood?"
"Yes, whatever you command big brother," Soda said sarcastically.
"As Mac said, it is your decision if you rebel or cooperate. You may stand up."
Soda stood up, pulled his pyjama pants up and then slapped Darry hard in the face.
"Don't ever spank me again big brother, or you will regret it," he said angry and stormed downstairs and out of the house.
Mac had made himself comfortable on the porch. He had overheard the entire confrontation, because the window in Soda's room was open.
As Soda stormed out of the house he caught him. "Let go of me, you asshole, you crazy bastard. Let me go," Soda yelled.
Mac did not say a word, he marched him back into the house and up the stairs. He ignored even Darry who met them outside of Soda's room. He pushed the teenager into his room and locked the door from the outside.
"We let him calm down first, he said to Darry. Come on, we need both a Glenfiddich."
"Huh what," asked Darry irritated as he followed Mac down.
"Oh, an old Scottish Whiskey, you will like it."
Mac got a glass from the kitchen and went back to the porch. He poured some whiskey for Darry and handed him the glass.
Darry sniffed it. "Huh, pretty strong. I'm only twenty and not legally allowed to drink that stuff."
"Yes, you are right but I won't refill for you and it is only a small sip. This whiskey is over 40 years old, just enjoy it and look at it as medicine. Drink it slowly and only take small sips, he instructed Darry.
I overheard the whole conflict, the window was open. Did he hit you at the end," Mac asked?
"Yes, he slapped me in the face."
"The little rascal really has a temper," Mac smirked.
"Yes, you're right. What do I do now? I cannot let him get away with that."
"No, I would not recommend you to let it go, Darry, that's for sure. To spank him tonight again wouldn't be a good idea. He could interpret it as revenge. You want to educate him not fight him. Just tell him that he is now grounded for a month. Hug him and tell him that you love him anyway. Then go to bed.
I, however, will wash out his dirty little mouth with soap. I told him before dinner, that I will punish him if he insults me again or uses swear words in my presence. Now I must keep my promise. After that I send him to bed."
"Okay, that's a good plan."
Then they enjoyed their Glenfiddch in silence.
Meanwhile Soda was locked up in his room. He tried to understand the discussion on the porch but they talked too quietly. He was very angry with Darry and Mac. Okay, he was not exactly friendly with Mac and he didn't obey Darry. But that was no reason to treat him like a little kid.
Actually, he should run away. But that would be hard for Pony. He remembered his great fear for his little brother when he was on the run. Probably Darry would lose the guardianship if he run away. That he could not risk. Would Darry spank him again tonight or would he apologize?
Huh, he was so confused. What was the matter with him, everything changed so quickly in recent times? His head spun. He sat down and hugged his knees. After some time he slowly calmed down.
Suddenly the door opened and Mac and Darry stepped in. Since it was an uncomfortable position, he stood up.
Mac blocked the way down. Darry told Soda, "Little buddy you're grounded for a month. Then he pulled him into a bear hug. You're a very spirited little rascal, but I still love you. My job is to educate you and not to fight you. Good night." He let go of him and left.
"Good night," Soda and Duncan replied.
Soda tried to exit his room.
"Not so fast my lad." Mac stopped him.
"I need to go to the toilet, let me go," Soda said agitated.
"I will in a moment, but first I let you know that you earned yourself a soapy mouth. You used again swearwords."
"Damn you, why can't you just let me alone?" Soda yelled and tried to go to the bathroom. Mac let him go and Soda stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door shut.
Soda suspected that Mac would wait outside the bathroom for him so he let himself time and took a shower. Half an hour later he exited the bathroom but Mac was not in sight. So he went to his room.
Mac was in his room and heard when Soda left the bathroom. He braced himself for the next altercation with his nephew. He knocked on the door of Soda's room and stepped in.
"Leave me alone Macleod, you've done enough. You incited Darry against me. Since you're here, everything is different and more difficult. Go away. I hate you."
"I'm aware what you think about me and that you hate me. Nonetheless I care about you laddie therefore I will not let your sassiness just go. As I informed you earlier you earned yourself again a soapy mouth. Introduce yourself to the corner or I will help you."
Soda sighed, but decided to obey. From experience he knew Mac was stronger than he. He had a fight with Darry and he had insulted Mac again. No chance to escape so he did what he was told.
Mac followed him and stood beside Soda. Clasped your hands behind your neck and press your elbows back so you are standing upright.
"This is inconvenient, the boy grumbled. Yes exactly, so it should be laddie. Do not talk or move until I give you permission to do so." Then Mac sat down and read the newspaper.
Soda heard the rustle of the newspaper and it bugged him. This penalty was tiring and boring. Especially for a boy, who anyway was restless in general! Soda squirmed during the whole time.
Mac waited half an hour then he went to the bathroom and moistened the soap.
Back in Soda's room he stood next to the boy. "Open up your mouth nephew. Soda obeyed after a brief minute of hesitation and Mac pushed the soap in. You may close your mouth and then turn around and face me. You can now take your hands down. Soda was glad about it and followed Mac's order.
Macleod summed up his hands and Soda felt uncomfortable. Mac said, look at me boy. I think it's a shame, with your behaviour you harm yourself and you hurt your brothers who love you.
Darry wants only the best for you and he loves you dearly. He is your guardian and I respect that and you should too.
I'm not your enemy even though you feel that way about me at the moment. But it does not change my love for you. I know I'm neither your father, nor your guardian but I am your uncle. Your parents wanted me to take care of you. I just want you to know that it is a matter of the heart for me not a duty. Maybe someday you can view me as an uncle. Basically it does not matter that you do not like me and you know why? Soda shook his head.
I visited your parents, before I moved to Europe. I had you in my arms for hours. You were ill at this time and your parents needed some sleep. You were and still are an adorable child and you wormed your way straight into my heart. You are a part of my family and you are important to me.
The last fifteen years your mother kept me informed about you. She wrote about your adventures, your achievements, your problems and how bright and intelligent you are. I always took interest in you and your wellbeing. You don't know me but I know a lot about you. I do love you kiddo. What I've learned is that love always finds a way.
So I have faith in you that you sooner or later recognize that I love you and want only the best possible for you. This situation makes me sad but I accept it for now. I understand that you need some time.
Soda had become fat cheeks and tears rolled down his face. Mac let go of the boy's hands and went over to the nightstand to pick up the glass. The soap remains in your mouth but you can spit out the soap foam, Mac allowed and held the glass under his mouth. Soda obeyed immediately.
After Soda had spit out the foam he deposited the glass on Soda's desk. Mac again summed up his hands but this time he ran his thumb in a soothing rhythm gently along Sodas wrists.
You should apologize to Darry tomorrow. Never forget that it would have been easier for him if he had accepted the scholarship and leave you to the care of the state. He has given up his career for you.
He loves you very much and your little brothers too. Yes, he has made mistakes, but he is still very young. He overnight became the guardian of two traumatized teenage boys and he is himself traumatized.
None of you had the time to grieve and process the events properly. The normal everyday life and the survival battle, caught up immediately to all of you.
The social worker makes the whole thing unnecessary difficult for Darry. I'm sure you know that. In my opinion your big brother did a very good job.
Remember he is only twenty years old, and his love and responsible care holds you all together.
Think about this: How would it have been if you've been the big brother. Would you take on the responsibility? Give up your dreams to take care of your minor siblings? Think about your answer.
Now go to the bathroom and get ready for bed. You are allowed to spit out the soap and wash your mouth. Then come back to your room and introduce yourself again to the empty corner until I tell you otherwise."
With that said Mac let his hands go.
Shaken up Soda stormed into the bathroom and washed his mouth out several times and brushed his teeth. Oh, that Macleod, why did he not let him alone? Everything got messed up because of him. I hate him.
Mac left too and got ready for the night. After that he went back to Soda's room.
He sat down on the armchair and gazed at the boy for a while. Come here and sit down on the bed. Soda obeyed reluctantly and looked naturally on the floor.
"Now I'm looking forward to your insight. Duncan leaned forward, grabbed his chin and lifted it.
He used the opportunity to pet the boy's cheek gently. How often do I have to tell you that you look at me when we talk? Now tell me. I'm sure you are as tired as I am."
Soda said nothing for about five minutes. He was curious what Mac would do if he doesn't answer. Mac did nothing he just sat back comfortably and waited.
After the five minutes were over he said: "Just start when you are ready. I'm not in a hurry but I want an answer nephew."
But Sodapop was tired and decided to talk. Mac would stay calm and wait. His mother and father would have remained calm also.
Darry however, would have hollered at him after only two minutes.
"Okay, I think I would not be as strong in character as Darry. I'm stupid and that's why it does not matter that I work at the gas station. The small wage I get would never be enough. The state would have taken them away."
"Why do you think you're stupid? I needed always more time to do my homework than other children. Reading and writing is difficult for me. I sometimes mix up letters and words."
"No one has noticed," Duncan asked astonished.
"No, because Pony has helped me many times."
"This could mean that you're dyslexic. By that I mean that you probably suffer from a reading and spelling disorder. This can be ascertained with some tests. This does not mean that you're stupid, just that you have a problem and you are still an intelligent boy.
It is a problem that must be addressed, I'll talk to Darry about it."
"No, I'm against it," Soda forcefully said.
"I take note of it, but I will not let it go. We will sort that out later.
Back to the question I asked you at the beginning. I will answer it for you. I'm sure you would have tried just like Darry to keep the family together. Whether it would be as successful as in Darry's case is another question. It depends on so many factors.
Nevertheless, you would have done all what is possible. You love your siblings. You have supported Darry. You took over many important tasks a sixteen-year-old boy is normally not responsible for. For that I respect you and am very proud of you. But now I'm here to help and your job is it, to be a teenager. You are a good kid and I love you.
Sodapop swallowed audibly. He never expected that Mac would say something this appreciative to him. Soda felt guilty he had not been once polite to his uncle since he arrived.
Mac realized that Sodapop was flabbergasted. Well done, but for now that's enough. If he thinks about it, then he should remember the positive statements, he thought.
Mac stroked his cheek gently again. "I mean what I say, he reassured. It is late. Stand up."
Soda obeyed and Mac uncovered the bed. "Hop in, little buddy. Duncan covered him up and ruffled his hair and then kissed him on the forehead. Good night Soda. "
Mac switched off the light and left.
Soda didn't respond. Mac switched off the light and left. Soda did not respond. He was too flabbergasted and in an inner turmoil. Sleep came very late that night for this boy.
