(A.N. Sorry about the wait. As those of you who read New American Classic you may remember that I am now taking more classes. Schools started up again full force and my time is being dwindled. Thanks for the patience. I hope you enjoy, but be aware that Bella is going to be sad about things. I am not making this a depression story! I promise! Stick with me and enjoy! Remember to REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!)
Disclaimer: Not my characters.
I was ordered a few days of bed rest, and at least a week off of work. I took it. The more time that elapsed, the more the crushing weight of what was lost weighed me down. I melted slowly into a depressed, comatose state, while Edward tried desperately to pull me out. He was dealing with his own demons from this, though. I could see it in his eyes every time I stared into them.
I asked not to see anyone for a day or two. Maybe three. I lost track. I needed to pull myself together, get out of this funk before I went out to greet the world. Alice tried pushing her way through the door, but Edward put his foot down. I didn't want to depress her anymore than she had already depressed herself. She found out about the incident the next day when she called to ask what the results for the test were. I didn't speak to her, but from the way Edward's voice quieted into a softer, comforting voice, I knew she was not only worried sick about me, but saddened by my loss.
Alice and I have always been like that with each other. When her grandma died in our junior year of high school, she fell into a heavy melancholy for a few weeks. It killed me not only to see someone I knew and had grown to love and respect die, but also, almost more so, to see Alice so torn apart. Our moods tend to affect each other pretty severely. That's why I needed to compose myself before I saw her. She was planning her dream wedding; I certainly wasn't going to be the one to break her down in the midst of all her excitement.
Speaking of which, I have to pull myself together enough to go dress shopping with Alice and Rose tomorrow. Alice tried to cancel, or postpone, but I wouldn't hear it. I pulled my butt out of bed today and started venturing about. My jeans fit a little looser, but that was to be expected. I hadn't been eating nearly as much as I should have been. Edward noticed, something I could tell by the way he so persistently shoved food down my throat. He has taken care of me the entire time, and only now has it dawned on me that he hasn't been given time to take care of himself.
I know he is saddened, heartbroken, by losing the baby, no matter how short lived our excitement for it was. I can see it whenever he is around me. His eyes have lost some light, not shining happily at the smallest of things, his smiles less bright, his face more sunken in. This hit him hard, maybe as hard as me, though he would never admit to it. I have been selfish trying to heal my own wounds, not considering Edward might need help healing his. I will rectify that.
Today though, he just seemed happy to see me getting up and dressed, walking around and conversing. He kept a smile on his face most of the day, just content to see me up and about, but every now and again when he would get a chance to stop to think, his smile would falter. He would think about it, and I couldn't blame him. I thought about it any time I spared myself a moment, though, unlike me, he wouldn't ever let that terrible feeling of loss pull him under.
"Bella! How are you feeling?!" Alice, always one to worry, asked right as she walked in with Rose trailing behind her with a kind, remorseful smile.
"Fine. Promise." I smiled back. It was a real smile, but I must have lost a little light from it, just as Edward had, because she didn't look completely convinced, but she didn't push. She just nodded and smiled. "Aren't you excited that you get to take me out and dress me up? It won't even be forced today!"
"Yes, well it will be a very nice day for me, but if you don't want to go, I completely understand."
"Alice!" I patted her on the shoulder as I walked by her to grab my purse. "I am going and there is nothing you can do about it. I am going to have to look nice for your wedding."
"Well, if you insist!" she chirped with a smile. "Well, then scoot Miss. Swan. I am ready to shop 'till I drop! You two will have your bridesmaid dresses before the day is out, and I may even have my wedding dress!"
"Goody," I said with a cocked eyebrow. As long as Rose and Alice stayed away from the pity party mode they arrived in, I would be fine. The knowing sympathy looks and the drawn out 'how are you' in the soft voice would end up getting on my nerves.
Alice walked over to Edward and surprised him by wrapping him in a tight hug. He awkwardly wrapped his arm back around her and patted her back twice. He had a small, amused smile on his face, but he also looked thankful for the embrace. Alice and Edward's relationship was similar if not identical to a sibling relationship, minus the blood relation. They bicker like brother and sister, and are fiercely protective of one another like siblings should be.
I felt an arm around my shoulder and looked up to see Rosalie standing next to me, smiling sweetly at the Alice and Edward interaction then down at me.
"You ready for the torture?"
"Is anyone ever ready for the things Alice subjects them to?" I countered.
"I suppose not." Rose replied back, then pushed me towards Edward. "Go say goodbye to your honey so we can scoot."
She shoved me forward slightly into Edward's direction where Alice was just finishing up her hug. I smiled warmly at the exchange, before I made my way over to Edward and wrapped my own arms around him. He returned the gesture, squeezing me tightly. He kissed the top of my head. I felt the heat of his breath through my hair on the top of my head as he whispered that he loved me. It made the memory of the recent events flood back into my mind, the thought that I may not ever be able to have a child with Edward. I knocked away any tears threatening to spill over and swallowed back the lump that formed in my throat. I had to get out of here quickly or the flood gates would surely open.
The girls spoke animatedly throughout the whole car ride, while I sat quietly in the back, speaking when spoken to. I wasn't trying to be antisocial; it just seemed to be safer if I didn't get into an extensive conversation right now.
We arrived at a wedding boutique soon after takeoff, and were greeted by a very monotone, yet cheerful woman. The contrast between her words, and excitement, and her never changing tone made my head spin. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing when Rose turned around and did her own impression of the woman while Alice told the lady what we were looking for.
I was completely out of my element in a place like this. Fashion was not something I knew anything about, nor was it something I cared too much about. Dresses in general were completely beyond me. I was more than willing to let Alice have full say in what I wore for her wedding, because quite honestly, I have no clue how I am supposed to dress.
Alice started right away riffling through racks, dragging me along behind her, and throwing dresses she wanted me to try on into my arms as she went. We had this method down to a system. When my arms finally became full to the extent that it was tiring to hold everything, I made a break for the dressing room.
Most of the dresses were actually really nice. Very tasteful, while still sexy. All in different shades of light blue.
"Bella!" I jumped high in the air when Alice banged on the dressing room door impatiently. "Bella, let me see!"
"Let me get myself in the damn thing at least," I grumbled, as I adjusted the top of the dress and made sure nothing was peaking out. "I don't want to give you a free show."
"I have the same parts as you, Bella dear. I have seen it all before, anyways."
"That doesn't mean I want you to see it now," I griped as I took a deep breath and opened the door. "What do you think?"
I stood in front of Alice as she inspected the dress, cocking her head to the side and tapping her fingers against her bottom lip. "It's cute, but not right. Next!" With that she pushed me back into the dressing room so we could go through the same process over and over again.
It wasn't until about the fifteenth dress that Alice started screeching her seal of approval. I liked it too. It was a tube top, snug fit, and it showed off my figure enough to be sexy, but concealed enough to be classy. It had a little wrap around sash to tie it together. The fabric held more of a messy look than other dresses I tried on. The top cinched in a way that made my breasts look slightly larger.
I smiled approvingly at Alice, happy that we agreed on the dress. It may be her wedding, but I have to wear the damn thing. I was sure I was going to be stuck in something too snug, and wildly uncomfortable. Alice noticed the smile and her smile grew even larger, apparently as surprised by our common admiration of the dress as I was.
Alice turned her head to look at the next stall over that housed Rosalie as she tried on bridesmaid dresses. Of course everything looked good on her, regardless of how snug or uncomfortable the thing was she would probably pull it off with not only grace and poise, but also make whatever it is look like an extravagantly pieced together work of fabric art.
"That's the one!" Alice breathed out happily. "Rose it's perfect for you!"
"I like it too," I chimed in quietly with a small smile. I seldom actually threw my opinion into the mix when it came to fashion, at least I didn't around Alice, but this dress was too obviously meant for Rose.
It was a light blue color, like mine, but slightly shinier. The fabric had more of a smooth, sleek look that outlined her perfect curves wonderfully, and the fabric ruffled slightly at the bottom to give it more of a modern look. It was much snugger than mine, and didn't have any extenuating ruffles to give the illusion that things were larger, because, quite frankly, Rose didn't need that.
Rose smiled at me and then at Alice and did a little spin while we clapped. She bowed gracefully soon after, then we were both ordered to get changed back into our normal clothes so that we could get shoes.
When I came out of the dressing room the girls had already taken the dresses, mine included, and went to the register. Alice insisted that she pay for the wedding apparel. I slowly walked up to the register where Alice and Rose were leaning close together whispering and stopped abruptly as soon as I walked up. I didn't want to know what they were talking about, mostly because I already knew. They have been so careful the whole day as to not say anything that might remind me or bring up what Edward and I had lost, but I could see them thinking about it at times. They would stare at me with sad eyes, only to catch themselves and give me a cheesy smile.
The shoe store we went to specialized in death traps. Every shoe in the story had a heel that was super thin, super high, and super dangerous. I was a goner. I sat down on the nearest bench and waited. If I helped Alice pick out my shoes, it would only lead to an argument. I would head straight for the flats, that is, if this store had a section that contained any kind of shoe that wasn't a sprained ankle waiting to happen. Let's just say Alice would not allow something like that to happen. There was no way I would be permitted flats at Alice's wedding. She would just as soon buy her wedding dress from Sears than let me have say in how high my shoes were.
After about twenty minutes of waiting for them to stockpile shoes, I decided I needed to use the ladies room if not to empty my bladder than to just get a minute away. I went to tell them, then was off. Shopping wasn't so bad today, Alice was being reasonably gentle, but I had a lot of time on my hands which allowed my mind to wander more then I had anticipated. It was in no way Alice or Rose's fault, but I had a feeling they didn't hassle me for help as a way to be nice out of respect. I wish they would stop. It was actually counterproductive to their goal and my own.
I splashed my face with some water from the faucet in the bathroom, and looked at myself in the mirror. You could see clearly the toll the whole incident was taking on me from my eyes alone. The dark circles around my eyes, slightly sunken in were embarrassingly noticeable. I looked haggard. It was almost embarrassing, but in the end, I didn't really care.
I sat down on the little couch they had set up in the restroom. It was times like these that I was glad I was a woman. Never had I seen or heard of seating in the men's room. Though I doubt I would want to sit there and watch as other men urinated. It made sense when you really thought about it. I rolled my eyes when I realized what I was thinking about, but had to smile at it. It was nice to get my mind off of the ever present loss that has been weighing me down lately.
I glanced at my cell phone wondering how much longer the shopping trip would last. I wasn't super anxious for it to end, more that I wanted to get home and see Edward. I hadn't realized how much comfort I derived from him lately. He was there for me through it all, and it has helped me much more than he could ever imagine. It was his turn to be coddled, though. He deserved to have a shoulder to lean on, and I wanted so badly to be the person he got his comfort from.
I finally made my way back to the shoe store after debating how long I could stay in the bathroom before the girls would come looking for me. I didn't want to make them go out of their way to find me though. They have been amazing today, very gentle with the shopping and really have lifted my spirits a lot. I walked up to a now sitting Alice and Rose, hearing only a snippet of what they were saying.
"I'm only a few weeks along." Rose whispered to Alice, neither noticing me yet. Her hand was rested gingerly on her stomach while Alice looked like she was bouncing out of her seat. "I didn't want to say anything…"
She cut off quickly and stood when she noticed me. She plastered on a smile, probably wondering if I had heard their conversation. I smiled my best smile at her, only to feel a small tear escape my eye.
"Bella," I looked down quickly and wiped the stray tear away. There was no way I was going to make Rose feel bad for this. She deserved to be happy, and shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around me. "I'm sorry, Bella."
"Why are you sorry?!" I asked angrily. "This is a happy moment, be thankful. I'm happy for you. Now give me a hug, damn it!"
She rushed over then, wrapping her arms around me carefully, but still it seemed like she was trying to shield me. People were looking and uncomfortable with our display, though I think I did see two little boys smiling grossly at our exchange. I wanted to stick my tongue out at them, but Alice glared at them before I worked up the effort.
"I wanted to wait to tell you until. . ."
"Until I had time to cope with my loss?" I asked sadly, pulling away from her. "Rose, don't let my problems lessen how exciting this is. It is exciting. You should be able to tell anyone and everyone."
"Thank you, Bella," she said with a sad, but real smile. "I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you properly."
"Well, then tell me properly," I said waving my hand through the air, trying to add emphasis. I was trying really hard to look happy for her. I was happy for her, but it wasn't showing through as clearly as I wanted it to. Alice's face told me that my pain was overpowering my joy. Alice walked up next to me and put her arm around my waist, giving me a small, side hug. With all the hugs I was getting, you would think I was the one with big news. I took a deep breath and smiled. It wasn't a fake smile either. It was as real as could be, but the tears streaming down my face wouldn't stop. I just went with it, because really, some of them had to be happy tears. "Well. Go ahead. I want to hear this first hand."
She smiled at me, almost like she was asking if I was sure. I nodded softly and looked at the beautiful woman in front of me, bracing myself for what she was going to tell me. Sure I was glad for her, and I meant every word I said. She should be ecstatic about this. She should be jumping up and down yelling it to the world, or at the very least be able to tell her friends and family without having to worry about a mental breakdown. That didn't mean it wouldn't hurt like hell for me to hear it, but I'll be damned if I let that show in front of Rose. She deserved this.
I steeled myself for what I was about to hear, straightening my back, and looking as confident and happy as possible. I was happy for her, and if it hurt me to hear her news, so be it. She deserved this just as much as anyone, and was lucky enough to have it happen. She needed to appreciate this, otherwise instead of being hurt by my own loss, I would be angry at her for not truly cherishing the fact that she was healthy without any problems so far.
She smiled at me. Her sad smile transformed into an exuberant, excited, truly happy smile. Her hand drifted to her stomach as a slight blush tinged her cheeks. She was glowing.
"I'm pregnant."
(A.N. Tell me what you think! REVIEW!)
