"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."

Sarah Williams

She stared at her hands then moved her gaze to the orange sky. Streaked with pink stripes and lost, floating clouds. "Clary. Clary, look at me." Almost as if jolted awake from a bad dream, she drifted back to the urging voice, finding solace in the sound. He was shaking his fingers in the air in front of her face. She blinked and focused on his eyes. Tiny little circles of gold swirled in them.

"Sorry?"

He sighed and he seemed exasperated by her behavior. What had she been thinking about before? In a softer tone, he spoke. "Look at me." She was looking. What did he want? She flicked her hair back into its loose braids. She saw his tawny hair, appearing like a halo with the sun shining on it. She saw his lips. Swollen from his bad habit of biting on them when he was frustrated. She saw his face. A brilliant image to peer at.

Clary released a breath. "I'm sorry." His shoulders sagged a bit but he smiled. A tired smile at that. He brought his hands hesitantly to her shoulders. She didn't pull away.

"That's okay." He nodded. "That's okay. Sometimes you just..." He faltered, trying to think of a way to continue. "You just go into another world. Another universe. And that's fine by me. But you just leave me behind." She clutched her fists to stop them from shaking.

It was nearing evening. The group was approaching a hotel. Two stars but that was completely fine. Simon had his mother's credit card. Apparently, she had lent it to him and told him to be safe. Clary wasn't surprised. Even as a child playing in Simon's room, she'd found that his parents believed in his own development and free will. It wasn't careless, she thought. It was a sort of beautiful way of growing up. Now she wondered why he bothered to stay with them. Alec had called his parents and they were worried sick. Crying and calling the cops about their missing children. "I'm fine, mum. Isabelle is-oh, come on. You know I can take care of her. Don't worry, sheesh. We're coming home." And at the finality of his statement, Izzy grew angry. She didn't want to leave. She wanted to stay. Her brother's veins looked ready to pop.

"What do you mean, stay? Stay where?"

Her hand was on her stomach, a habit that every mother had at some point. She was observing Simon. He was talking to Clary, a wistful expression on his face. "I'm staying. You can go to mum and dad. I don't care." She was so fierce in that moment that Clary truly thought that she'd made an awesome mom one day.

Alec cursed. "You're kidding me. For how long? You're pregnant, god damn it. You can't fool around like this!" He was pacing frantically, hands tapping against his legs.

Isabelle didn't seem fazed. She glared, her brown eyes vicious. "Don't tell me what I can and can't do. You weren't there when I had sex. And you weren't there when I found out about this!" She pointed to the offspring in her stomach. His lips parted. He leaned closer to her. She deflated like a balloon afterwards, her eyebrows falling into place again. "I'm staying. You don't have to, Alec. Just please, stop making a big deal out of things." It took him about a half an hour to wrap his mind around things and when he did, he embraced his sister and whispered some stuff into her ears. After that, well, they decided to stay. For what it was worth, Clary didn't know.

She had her phone in her hand. There was signal. She dialed a number, watching Jace's face change. He pulled his eyes away from her and grabbed a cigarette from his never ending box. Lit it and ignored her. "Hey, Raph. I'm okay. No, I'm fine. Really. Yea. I'm sorry. Is everything okay at the bar? What? What do you mean? I-I can still come back. You know me, Raphael. I don't get why. I was your best-Whatever." She blinked the tears in her eyes and covered her mouth with her arm. She breathed in and out but nothing worked. She had lost her job. For what? For disappearing and ending up in a shady truck.

"Bad news?" Jace asked, stepping on his cigarette.

She nodded, unable to muffle the noises coming out of her mouth.

He bent and sat in front of her. She could hear Isabelle and Simon laughing somewhere in the distance. Alec calling someone, his voice playful and human. She wondered why they had decided to stay. Why in their right minds they would want to be with strangers in a foreign place. "I think your rat friend likes Izzy."

Clary sniffled and shrugged. "They make a good pair." She looked in his direction. "Are you gonna call anyone?"

He shook his head. "Nah. Don't really need to make any calls."

"Okay."

She winced in surprise when his fingers traced along her cheeks. She didn't move, only shut her eyelids at his gentle touch. He leaned closer to her, asking for any sort of permission. She nodded her head barely. She listened to him exhale in relief. His hands found their way to either side of her face, tugging her so close their breaths mingled. Her heart beats were louder. Pounding and thudding. Crackling and popping. His forehead pressed against hers. Clary lifted her palms to his shoulders. He smelled like smoke and wood. Sunshine and fresh orchards. "I don't know what I'm doing." She heard him whisper, like he was talking to himself.

At his honest statement, she pushed herself away from him as if his skin had burned her. She stood, stiff as a rod, and tried to steady her rapid breathing. He was looking at her. She could feel his stare but she ignored him. "Clar-"

She started forward briskly and told him over her shoulder, "I don't want the same thing you want, Jace."

[]

Simon turned to all of them, an apologetic smile on his face. He shrugged. "Sorry, guys. I've only got enough money for two rooms. Is that alright?"

Isabelle looked to be thinking. "How many beds in a room?"

He held up two fingers. She grinned. "That's completely fine. Simon and Alec with me. Clary and Jace can share the other room." Alec seemed uncomfortable at the idea. His hands wrung together nervously, blue gaze sweeping to the boy with glasses beside him.

"He's not sleeping with you." Simon coughed suddenly at the blatant demand and the dark haired beauty had the decency to blush. The air was filled with tension and a little bit of awkwardness. It was sort of sweet and kind of infuriating but Alec sounded resigned.

Simon recovered faster than the rest of them. "I can sleep on the ground." Clary's eyes softened. She knew he would volunteer. Her chest ached at the thought of the two siblings slumbering on their own beds while he was on the carpet.

She shook her head in disagreement. "Simon can sleep with me." She met Jace's face and saw the hardness of his expression when he looked away. His jaw was clenched tightly then it loosened so that his cigarette hung without much support.

Alec actually smiled. He raised his hands to clap. "I like that idea." Isabelle released a tiny sigh and Clary tried to make out what she was feeling. Maybe she had grown to like Simon afterall...

Simon gulped. "It's fi-"

"I want to. Like the old days, remember?" Knowing him for so many years, Clary had never thought of her ex-bestfriend as handsome but the way his eyes had lit up in that moment was priceless. There was something that had developed in him. It wasn't maturity. It was some sort of invisible understanding. And it made her glad.

Without waiting for anyone's input, she grabbed the door's key and headed up the elevator, not bothering to check if they followed or not.

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The first thing she did when she entered the room was take a shower. She had never thought she would miss the presence of a tub and hot water. Steam filled the small room and Clary relished the smell of the bar of soap on the sill below her and the shampoo provided that spread an aroma of pomegranate and cherry. She sighed and leaned her forehead against the wall so that the shower head was spraying droplets of water on her back.

I'm such a...an idiot. How can I stay with them? They're complete strangers, Clary. Think straight! Go back home. She swallowed a strangled sob. Where was home now that she had lost her job? Where was home when no one lived with her? Where was home when she was so lonely?

She tried her best to wipe the tears from her face with the help of a crisp towel and managed to walk out of the bathroom in a hotel robe, comfy and fluffy. When she turned the corner to the bedroom, she caught the sight of Simon putting his phone down. He was holding some clothes in his hand. It dawned on Clary that she had thrown her dress into the trash because it was so dirty. He looked up in pleasant surprise. "Hey. I got us some clothes from that thrift shop a few days ago. Thought we'd need it at some point." She could always count on him. Even when she had broken him time and time again.

"Thanks." She took a shirt that had an advertisement on the front, a phone number of a shop. He picked up some pants from his bed.

He tried to sound casual. "These are an extra pair of pants I found. They're a bit..."

She laughed a little. "Big, I know. I'll make it work. Go take a shower. You smell." She shooed him away playfully and was rewarded with a flick to the forehead. The realization of his old gesture made her sit on the bed for a few moments.

"I dare you! I triple the dog dare you, Fray!" She laughed, holding onto the thin branch. She gave a little dance that sent her friend rolling in laughter.

"Come on." He urged her on. She stared down at the distance between the tree and the ground. Swallowed slowly.

"A dare's a dare." He didn't stop rambling. His brown eyes were wide with anticipation and some excitement. His adrenaline was fueling her, she knew. Shuddering slightly and moving a little on the tree, she tried to get as comfortable as possible.

Jumped.

It didn't end as she had hoped. Her leg was broken. She had cried like a bitch. And Simon was calling his mom from the backyard. His voice was frantic but Clary couldnn't help the grin that spread across her cheeks. "I told you I'd do it. You sissy." He faced her in surprise. And noticed that her tears had stopped streaming. He shook his head, almost like he was used to her behavior but they were just kids. Instead of responding, he flicked her forehead.

"Ouch."

The shirt was a bit large for her. Up to her knees large. She nearly fell in amusement when she stared at her reflection. She looked like the size of a grape. Clary sighed. "At least I don't have to bother with pants."

Still, she thought, she didn't like the sight of her freckles being shown. Hers legs were covered with tiny orange dots. Like polka dots. The hotel phone rung and Clary picked it up on the second ring. "Hello?"

"Get your ass in here. There's an actual fucking television in here. Old stuff, but who cares? We're watching a movie. Bring Simon." It was Isabelle's voice. She rolled her eyes. In the background, she heard the distinct sound of Alec shouting about the hot water in their bathroom.

"Whatever you say."

[]

It wasn't exactly cable. And it wasn't Netflix either but it was better than nothing particularly when the hotel didn't offer wifi connection. Simon immediately sprawled himself between Izzy and Alec. Alec stiffened but didn't bother saying anything. It was just a movie. The room was pretty small and the television, basically a pillow. Clary looked to find Jace sleeping on the other bed, his hair sprawled magnificently on the white surface. She could tell that he wasn't wearing a shirt. The blanket wrapped tightly around him.

Feeling for him, she called to the others who had just decided on The Wizard of Oz, "Make sure the volume's low. He's sleeping." Isabelle nodded silently. She had a bowl of ice cream on her lap. Decorated with gummy bears and chocolate chips. Clary frowned. Were those the type of cravings a woman usually had when pregnant?

Trying not to venture into that subject, she situated herself on Jace's bed, the farthest corner from him. She thought of their last encounter. How could she have exposed herself so thoroughly? She glanced back at him. Saw his body rise softly upwards and down again. Ever since meeting him, I'm becoming someone else. I can't do this. She pursed her lips. Not again. Not after everything. She flipped her phone on its sides, seeing the screen light up with no new notifications. Somewhere in her head, she had hoped that Rapheal might call her again and hire her. But that wasn't going to happen. She listened to the familiar song Dorothy sang at the very beginning. A song of longing that Clary now understood.

somewhere over the rainbow

skies are blue

and the dreams that you dare to dream

really to come true.

She blinked, realizing she had clicked on the her gallery icon. The only thing of her past she had decided not to delete. In her nostalgia, Clary scrolled through the images. She stopped at the very first one. It was Jonathon and her. Her brother was a gem. Nobody could ever take his place. His snowy, white hair and green eyes were a combination made for girls to cry about. Of course, this was an old picture. He was in college now, most likely Brown, his dream school. Playing football.

Then it was Sebastian. Over and over again. He had taken over her entire phone. She didn't hate him and she never would. She wondered where he had disappeared to and if he ever thought of her on lonely nights. Her body was a little fuller then. Her smile genuine. She pressed on the power button for a second or two and watched as the device darkened.

Clary focused on the tv. Alec was munching on popcorn. He was complaining that he didn't like butter but his sister silenced him with a soundly slap that made Simon chuckle. She felt the corners of her mouth rise. It wasn't so bad. Silently and hidden, she slid out of the room. They wouldn't notice she was gone anyway. She trudged into an elevator, headed to the lobby and went outside. It was a warm night. The sky dwindling with its last fiery stars.

She settled herself on the cement outside of the hotel and stared upwards. Everything seemed to be so much smaller when nature was involved. She hoped her mother was thinking of her, no matter where she was or however rough their relationship was. She hoped her dad would remember the daughter he had left behind when she was a mere baby. She hoped Sebastian was recalling what they had had together, even if he didn't think of it as much. She hoped and hoped and hoped. Because that was all she could do.

"Are you alright?" She faced the voice abruptly and regretted her action after. It was Jace. He was wearing a tank top now and shorts. Smoke flew from his lips. She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

As she had thought, he didn't leave. He came closer and sat but Clary noticed that he left a good amount of space between them. He propped his head on his crouched knees. "I think you're not."

She was tired of being defensive so for once, she let herself be curious. "What makes you say that?"

He inhaled and exhaled. "Well, you left The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy finally made it past the yellow brick road so there's that. I mean, that's the best part." She laughed, shocked at how the sound echoed in the night sky.

"Yeah." She breathed.

They were quiet after her last word but it wasn't uncomfortable at all. He was smoking and thinking and she was dancing and dreaming. They were a foot away from each other but miles and miles apart.

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