The staircases of Brazeneck college were deserted. Harry and Titus seemed quite alone but for the faint friendly presence of the stars that twinkled above those ancient roofs and whose silvery glow seemed to illuminate the dusty windows.

"I wonder where everyone is..." Harry whispered, half to himself.

"I don't care," murmured Titus. "I finally have you here, alone, without any means of escape, without any of your silly friends who come along just to frustrate me –"

"I still have my wand." Harry waved the dread implement in front of Titus's lustful features. "Don't try anything funny."

Titus backed away slightly. "Ah yes. Although you know –" here he smiled eerily through the darkness. "I've heard those wands are great for causing pleasure, as well as pain."

"They might be," said Harry. "But for now, I'm keeping my back firmly against the wall until you tell me – ahhhh!" Harry disappeared through the wall he had just backed up against.

"Harry?" said Titus, tentatively. "Where have you gone?" Titus felt he could hear muffled profanities from behind the wall, but then again it could have just been the wind. The Wind often cursed him, you know, when he was alone... But there it was again. Titus leaned closer to the wall, and put his ear against it.

"Harry – is that you?" He put out a hand to steady himself as he listened with his ear against the cold stone. Then it vanished and he was tumbling into nothingness.

For the second time that month, Titus awoke in a strange bed. He went through his usual questions again. He was Titus Oates. He was – he was in some kind of... He sat up and peered into the darkness –

"Titus!" A pair of hands reached out of the darkness and grabbed his collar.

"Harry! I've found you!" Titus exclaimed happily.

"Where are we?!"

"I don't know. It looks like some sort of secret dungeon boudoir to me." As their eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, they began to make out all sorts of strange instruments around the large circular room. Shackles, whips and chains hung from the incongruous hot pink walls, alongside other implements Harry could not even begin to identify, but they looked like they could potentially cause a lot of damage. The silken sheets on which they sat were also hot pink, and the bed was draped around with gauzy curtains and decorated with a number of soft heart-shaped pillows. There was a dressing table in one corner, holding a mirror, several jars and –

"A pensieve!" Harry gasped.

"A what?"

"A pensieve – it – it holds memories –" Harry jumped off the bed and ran over to it. "Dumbledore used to have one just like this in his office!" Harry began to feel excited. "And these must be the memories – look – there's loads of them!" The drawers of the dressing table, once pulled open, revealed themselves to be impossibly large, larger than one could have ever imagined from looking at them shut. They were all full of jars containing the same silvery white substance and labelled.

"Day 346... Day 768... Day 1002..." Harry selected jars at random, wondering which to try first.

"Here's Day 1," said Titus, picking up a jar from the top of the table. How does this thing work?"

Harry grabbed the jar and emptied its contents into the pensieve. Then he took Titus's hand and leaned in.

When the swirling mists cleared, they found themselves in exactly the same position, in the same room... only it was a little less dusty.

"What just happened?" wheezed Titus. "What did you – ah!"

At that moment, two men plummeted from the ceiling and landed on the hot pink bed.

"We're in the memory," Harry explained impatiently. "They can't see us."

One of the men lay groaning on the bed, but the other quickly disentangled himself and stood up. He had long auburn hair and twinkling blue eyes.

"Dumbledore!" Harry gasped.

"Really?" Titus said. "He's pretty hot. But – phwoar – look at his friend!"

Harry recognised the man on the bed as none other than Gellert Grindelwald, the sexy Dark Wizard of yesteryear. He felt a stirring in his groin, as everyone did when they saw the blond and beautiful Grindelwald.

"Albus – Albus – where haff you brought me to?" He moaned in an outrageously comical German accent.

"To my secret Dungeon of Love – otherwise known as my Love Dungeon of Secrets."

"Er – vat?" Grindelwald said.

"You heard. This will be your punishment for being-" Here Dumbledore's voice became a low growl – "A very, very bad wizard."

"Gott in himmel!" cried Grindelwald. "Anything but this!"

"Resistance is futile," said Dumbledore. "I have the Elderwand."

Grindelwald groaned, but didn't say anything.

"You may choose your first punishment," Dumbledore continued. "But after that you will be my unquestioning love slave. I have every toy you can think of to choose from, and lashings of Limberwand's Luscious Lubricant... Sherbet Lemon flavoured," he added, his half-moon spectacles flashing mischievously.

"Er – Titus?" Harry said, nervously, whispering despite the fact the two men in the memory could not hear him. "I don't – I don't think we should be watching this –"

"What? Why ever not?! This is the hottest set up I've witnessed since – well, for a long time."

"But Dumbledore was like a father to me! I can't – I can't just do this –"

Gellert had selected one of the smallest and most harmless looking implements, and was examining it apprehensively.

"Ah yes, the Extraordinary Expanding Escalator..." Dumbledore remarked. "Well chosen."

Harry turned almost as pale as Grindelwald, before retreating to the far end of the room, facing the wall, and covering his ears. This blocked out all but the most passionate cries:

"Who's been a naughty Dark Wizard, then?"

"I – I have –"

"Did you think you could ever defeat me, you scoundrel?!"

"N- no-"

"Professor Dumbledore needs to teach you a lesson!"

"Oh, Albus! You animal! You big, conquering, Elder wand wielding beast! Yes! YES! DO IT!"

After what seemed like an eternity, the memory finally faded, leaving Harry lying on the floor of the Secret Love Dungeon with his head in his hands.