Six
Third Year of Reestablished Peace · AD 198
'Suzi, drink this tonic soup,' Zijing tenderly bids me. It is two months after I have given birth to our child Qing'er, who is presently sleeping peacefully. Ah Yan, who is in charge of preparing the soup for me, informed me that the soup is supposed to have the additional effect of strengthening the womb in addition to the entire body, although Zijing has yet to mention the physician's words to me.
I drink the soup obediently, touched by Zijing's concern for me. When Ah Yan has taken the bowl away, leaving Zijing and I alone in our bedroom, Zijing takes me into his arms and for a while, it is just like old times—he discusses his thoughts with me and plays with my hair, becoming bolder and bolder in his teasing—then suddenly he pulls away.
'What's the matter?' I enquire.
'It's nothing,' he attempts to reassure me, but I have understood—he is attempting to restrain his urges.
It is time to be forthright, I decide. 'I heard what the physician said that day,' I confess. Zijing looks at me sharply, and I let the words I have been rehearsing mentally for the past two months flow, 'It's time you took a concubine.'
Zijing holds me by my elbows and gazes at me for several seconds. 'Suzi, do you think I could want another woman after meeting you?' he enunciates slowly.
'But—'
'Say no more,' Zijing cuts off my protest. 'I don't believe Heaven will be so unfair to you. The physician said that over time, this medicine may be able to strengthen your womb sufficiently for you to bear a child successfully. Besides, taking a concubine is not the only way to have a son,' he tells me sincerely.
I stare at Zijing, unsure what to make of his words. 'Shall we retire to bed?' Zijing asks, seeing my silence. Seeing me acquiesce, he lowers me onto the bed, and I observe that he is extremely careful about where he places his hands.
'Don't you want to...?' I question, leaving the last part of the sentence unsaid.
'I'm afraid that you'll...again...' He is at a rare loss for words.
'It almost always never happens while the mother is constantly breastfeeding the baby,' I tell Zijing.
Zijing looks at me intently. 'I'll be careful,' he promises.
'I know you will,' I reassure him.
Even though I do not hold any hope of bearing Zijing another child, the world seems a kinder place in this instant.
