Kana: (Napping on her laptop) … (drools on her arm) Mmmmeeeh… (snorts and wakes up) OTP!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! DO NOT WANT! (wipes face) I think my mind's telling me something about Anderson x Vladicard…

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing. I don't own anything. I do own my disturbing OTP dreams. (Now, OTP means Oh The Pain).

Whelp, it's that time of the year again. It's getting warmer, and for pretty much most of my adolescent life I was tuned for a new Harry Potter book during the summer, so my brain is telling me to read Harry Potter over again. And that's seven books of pure evilness. And I never even read the seventh. All the deaths got spoiled by my friends cause I didn't preorder it. DAMN them.

- The authoress has stupidly forgotten that reading Harry Potter books makes her sob like a baby over Sirius and Lupin. Come back later. – …It's true. ;-; 'Nut kills fourteen babies in a murderous rampage' on the tele doesn't faze me at all, but if Sirius dies I start babbling until my mum finally gets that the sexy black-haired man was someone I liked. Oh…watching that movie with my family was a bad idea…

…Knowing me, this is going to make me have Sirius x Lupin x Alucard nightmares. Well, they can all change into DOGS…Sirius is so gonna be on top :D

xxx

Making Lemonade

Chapter Six: Making Bowties

xxx

Why does the day/night always begin with Alucard watching me as I sleep? Because he's a sociopath who's greatest joy comes from killing stuff – mainly me. But today he wasn't looming over me, even though I had prepared myself before I had lifted back the lid on the box. There was no sign of his outrageous red coat, and there hadn't been a sighting of his fedora in the vicinity, so I was safe.

I crawled out of the box of mould, dusted off my pajamas, and looked around for my meal. It didn't take long, as the first place I checked was the tea party table, and Walter always unfailingly put it there. My breakfast was simple and quick while I silently prayed that Alucard wouldn't pop out of nowhere and make the blood go up my nose.

Unfortunately it was Seras who came in, accidentally scared me by coming up behind me with the stealth she obviously inherited from her psycho sire, and made me snort blood. This made it all the more embarrassing, because one: Seras hadn't meant to do it, two: I thought I had been 'scouting' effectively, and three: I had just been frightened by a girl who was about as scary as a kitten wielding a marshmallow.

"I'm sorry!" she squealed as I tried to get the blood out of my nose. It was unpleasant and I don't recommend ever using blood as a way to get high.

"It's okay," I mumbled, wiping the blood away from under my nose. "You can't help it." I wasn't one to talk, with my accidental hunting of Walter. But the butler took it all in with good-humor, so I tried to do the same. I forced a smile on my face and politely told Seras to leave while I dressed.

This was when Alucard decided to come in. It took me until I had finished dressing to find him standing behind me, watching me like the stalking pedophile he was. And he brings pedophilia to a whole new level, being roughly twenty times my age. Plus his grin was really disturbing. I didn't know whether he was picturing me without my clothes or if he was picturing me without my skin. Either way, it wasn't pleasant.

"Hello," I mumbled, wishing I could just disappear. Since I wasn't cranky and stupid, like I usually was when I woke up, I didn't have the guts to get too angry at him. "Good evening." My toes were awfully interesting tonight…

"Good evening," Alucard said, his smile showing some really white, really sharp teeth. I was reminded suddenly of the bite marks that shark attack victims are left with. "Are we not up to insulting me today? Or have you woken up enough to realize your place?"

If I slapped him now, that would give him leave to tackle me to the ground, bat my head around like a punching bag, pull out my entrails, and then kill me. Afterwards he would play jump rope with aforesaid entrails. But it might be worth it. I weighted the consequences of introducing Alucard's face to the heel of my hand.

I sighed as I made up my mind. He would probably stop me before I could do anything, and he would still eat me. My chances were low…

"No, sir," I muttered, wondering what my chances of jumping back into my box of dirt were. He would probably get me before then. "Just showing you the proper respect."

Next I'm gonna clean his boots with my tongue, I thought ruefully, trying to act like a turtle and sink my head between my shoulders. Or I could play ostrich and stick my head into the dirt. I liked the second choice. Let's just call him milord, worship the ground he walks on, and call it a night.

Alucard scoffed, his red eyes glaring at me. "You have no idea what respect is about," he growled, sinking back into the wall.

Well shit. I stood there, sulking and staring at my feet, wondering if I should just hang myself and take away the pleasure of killing me. I was that spiteful.

But I wasn't stupid. The fact that I hadn't cracked yet would annoy Alucard more than if I killed myself.

Cause I really wanted to annoy the guy who could kill me using anything, from potpourri to a jumper.

xxx

I had been born in London, I had gone to school in London, I had grown up, lived, never left London; yet I had never visited the Imperial War Museum. There were reasons for that, the biggest being I had never really had a reason to go. Usually if I went anywhere it was because I needed to – like going to the store for food or clothing, going to the library to study, or going to school because my mum told me to. If I went anywhere else it was because Claire was raring to go to some new park or a themed restaurant or something. I never liked those restaurants; the kids were always too loud, too messy, and I would have preferred to wear a raincoat when I went, because food usually went flying.

Seras was on cloud nine. She drifted from exhibit to exhibit, marveling at the causes of wars and the accuracy of the accounts. She had obviously been as antisocial as I had been, though perhaps not. She had probably just never felt the need to come.

It had been nice to get out during the day, even if I was incredibly tired and Seras and I had to share an umbrella to stand under while outside. The sun on the white cement had burned my eyes and made my skin crawl, but it was still enjoyable to be out with normal people. People who had no idea that in the trunk of Sir Hellsing's Rolls-Royce was a sleeping nosferatu dressed in mostly red taking a snooze.

"Oh, look at this!" Seras squealed, making me wonder if Sir Hellsing had the right idea to turn us loose while she met with people from the Vatican. The little blond was going to make my eardrums burst soon.

She was pointed at an exhibit that had something to do with lovers and fighting and the eventual happy ending. I smirked as I stared up at it, because it was just so sappy with the 'true story' written near the top. The story was so outrageous that people need officials to tell them that it was true.

"I think I might puke," I said bluntly. "And it won't be pretty either. Bloody vomit and all."

Seras shivered, but her smile never left her face. "Don't you believe in love?"

"I'm a vampire," I said. "And the only males in the Manor are Walter and Alucard. Now, Alucard is not the sunshine in my life. If anything, he's the gun in my mouth." I looked up at the portrait of the man holding his beloved with Trafalgar in the background. The gunpowder and blood really made the scene. "As a vampire, I've pretty much given up on love."

"I don't think it's impossible for vampires to love," Seras said, still looking at the man and woman in the picture. "I know Master pines for Sir Integra."

"I think Alucard pines over everyone," I said doubtfully. "I caught him stoking his coffin the other day. It might just be the fact that he's a complete nutter…"

Or it might be the loneliness getting to him. Eventually all vampires went mad, and Alucard, being one of the oldest obviously, was the biggest example. He was the man who everyone thought of as normal, albeit a little creepy, until one day he comes into work and shoots up the place, then goes back and finishes his paperwork.

A sneaky psychopath.

I would kill myself before I started talking to my crate of dirt. But that's the hard thing about insanity – you never know when it's going to hit, and by that time you're in too deep and you're talking to inanimate objects. Or licking guns…

Speaking of Alucard.

"Did you just get that vibe?" I said, frozen in place.

Seras, who was just as rooted to the floor as I was, answered accordingly. "The one that we get when a particularly powerful one of our kind has just entered some serious bloodlust?" We're like psychic twins. Eerie.

"I do believe that is what I'm thinking about." I started to sniff the wall under the sickening painting of the bloody love, searching for a whiff of Alucard. This direction was where the bloodlust was coming from, and it was easy to pick out his scent among the menagerie of others. I suddenly hissed, clutching my nose. "The hell!?"

"What is it?" Seras asked, scampering over and attempting to help as I desperately and fruitlessly tried to get the stench of burning silver out of my nose.

"I think I found out why Alucard's ready to put a bullet in someone," I muttered, wiping the blood from my nose – for the second time that day.

Seras was using her 'homing' abilities to see into the mind of her master. I pitied her, as she probably had to shift past the thoughts of 'bloodbloodbloodbloodblood' to find the coherent ones, which should included horribly dirty things being done to Sir Hellsing. But hopefully he was having homicidal urges towards whoever had triggered his bloodlust.

She flinched instinctively as soon as she heard Alucard's thoughts. "They're in front of the Kaster piece."

I had seen that work of art on the way in. Looking around, I saw a tour nearby, full of elderly Japanese folk who were mumbling as the paltry guide rambled on and on about stuff. "I have an idea."

xxx

In record time I had slipped behind the guide when I knew no one was looking, knocked him out with a punch to the jugular, and – once realizing his uniform was similar to Seras's, minus the dreadful bowtie – quickly told Seras my plan.

She agreed to replace the guide, and instantly began leading the elderly group towards Alucard. I followed behind them, making sure no stragglers were left behind.

We made it there just in time. From the corridor we were about to come out of, I could hear Alucard threatening someone in his rasping 'I've come to beat your ass' voice. I could see the glint of the florescent light off his guns, both pointed straight at the offender. I hoped desperately that it wasn't just some old lady with a penchant for silver.

"Go!" I hissed to Seras, and she instantly stiffened.

"This way everyone! This way!"

Seras instantly jumped into the heart of the fire, risking her master's anger. The man he was opposing might just kill her. But it turned out fine; the tour made its way out of the painting gallery, Alucard developed the tired, metal head look that I knew he would have when he was sleepy (discovering this was like finding out Santa was real), and shuffled back to his coffin in the trunk. And Sir Hellsing and her Vatican mate went to have lunch and discuss the attack on the manor in the previous week.

With all Seras's faults, her timidity and fear, I had an inkling as to why Alucard chose to turn her.

xxx

Kana: Sorry that was so short, but this week has been hectic. Plus I was having too much fun fucking around with the stupid religious idiot in my class (no offense to the smart religious people out there) who finds me reading Harry Potter terribly offensive. :D She kept ranting about how it was 'bad' and 'promoted murder and witchcraft'. When I completely ignored her she started babbling about 'the evil blood sacrifice in it'. I laughed until I almost puked, lol-ing about how nearly every book contains a little murder and evil in it, and how I would believe her the day a child kills 'in the name of He-Who-Has-No-Nose'.

I love idiots.

Review Responses:

DarkSandHanyou28: teh rape of teh video games. Altair can say prison bitch. Those hat babies will form a cult and sacrifice real babies to Harry Potter. :D

TaikeruSohma: Review to meeee, revieeeeew. You know you want to. Anyway, I'm sorry, but I can't do that, as it would make the story lose the integrity that I'm desperately trying to give it. (Note the word 'desperately').

Rambonata: to be fair, I try and make Willow as realistic as possible, and even though we lurve Alucard and his sadistic tendencies, the shock of seeing someone being eaten by something you were positive didn't exist would make one pass out for a while. And if it's anything, it was really only one day, as Willow would automatically be unconscious during daytime.

Kiseki no Tenshi: Pity me, for I seem to unconsciously enjoy scaring myself shitless with my OTP dreams. And I did not enjoy Twilight. I dislike that fandom. But I was making Voldemort jokes the entire time. "Voldie sent Cedric to the special hell." "All dead Potter characters are sent here. Ten bucks says Snape comes back as Marcus."

BlazingMidnightRain: it seems like all my OCs have my dry sense of humor. I guess that's what brings the reviewers to my yard. Funny, I imagine Alucard petting Seras crooning 'preeeeety…preeeeetypreeeety.'

whatisthisbusiness: I'm glad you find this interesting :3 It's okay to rant – you should see the debates me and my friends have over books, ranging from the Potter series to Garth Nix books, to George RR Martin's awesomeness. Lunchtime usually consists of heated arguments over themes and the meaning of deaths (J.K.R is a big discussion in this) and all that good stuff. Sometimes there are casualties, like my banana this morning, because a friend refused to admit a certain character was evil.

Cannot fathom a PenName: LURVE YOU TWO! Tying Willow into actual events is tough, especially when I keep having to check the manga. Tedious, ya know?

End Responses

Hello my name is Kana and I am a Sirius x Lupin shipper.

Review and I will be happy. I like being happy.