Disclaimer: I do not own the 2004 movie 'Thunderbirds'
Well, I am excited to see how many reviews, favs and follows I'm getting. I feel like I'm on top of the world!
Here's Chapter 7. Enjoy(:
Please tell me if it's too sappy! I don't wanna be sappy!
Alan just wanted to scream, cry and curl up in a ball somewhere dark. He was so frustrated. They knew. Those two words kept on replaying in his minds like a broken record machine. They knew. They knew. THEY KNEW! His breathing heightened and tears began to sting his eyes. Curling his knees up to his chest, he gripped the back of his hair and clawed at his scalp. He was so damn tired of feeling.
The way Scott sounded when he didn't tell him why he did this to himself. He couldn't describe how he felt, he just couldn't. There were no words that could describe how he sounded so angry, so annoyed. But was Scott annoyed? Surely not.
Of course he was Alan. You are just a burden for them to bare.
He shook his head.
"No, no, no, no" body shaking with sobs. He wanted to die, he wanted to cut. Why could he feel? The emptiness was filling his body like oxygen. Clawing to get out, to just feel something. Alan looked up from the bed, he had to find something to cut himself with. Unhooking himself from the heard monitor he wavered on his feet for a second before finding his bearings. Looking through the draws he finally came across a scalpel.
He was about to bring it down on his wrist when he realized that they were bandaged. Frustration hit him again and he cried out silently. Everything was blurry as tears kept filling his eyes. Lifting his shirt, Alan cut his wrist over and over again. Sometimes he accidentally cut the same place twice, making it go deeper. He collapsed to the floor and curled up in a ball. His hand hurt from the tight grip he had on the scalpel, not even registering that his hand was bloodied.
He was tired, tired of feeling, and tired of living. Feeling some hands trying to pry the scalpel away from him. He only clutched it tighter and cried harder. He felt the wetness pool around his waist and felt an odd sense of contentment. Like he finally did something right. Hearing voices above him he peered out from his limbs and saw the concerned and scared gaze of Scott.
"…Scott?" he chocked on a sob and felt the emptiness become tighter around his chest. He didn't want to see Scott, not after the knowledge of him being a burden to him.
"Hey buddy" Scott cooed like a mother, "Come on, give me the scalpel" His hand outstretched. Alan moved the scalpel closer to him and he saw his brother's breath hitch. Suddenly the older Tracy was pushed aside by virgil, relief swelled within him at the sight of him.
"Alan just, please give me the scalpel" He said softly, putting his hand over the one used to hold the knife. Alan somehow unconsciously let go and felt sadness hit when it was gone. Like a part of him was missing. The tool used to make him a bit happy was gone. Virgil relaxed and handed the scalpel to the familiar figure of John.
"Can you get up?" Virgil asked. Alan shook his head. He didn't want to face anybody except Virgil.
"I only want you here" his voice was barely understandable from where he was curled up. You could only see his mop of sandy hair and blue eyes. Tainted horribly with red. Virgil frowned. Why only him?
Virgil stood awkwardly in the hallway. Yeah, he's a Doctor with a degree and shit but depression and self-injury is way out of his league. In medical school they made him research this stuff but that was years ago.
"Look, I don't really know" running his hand through his hair which felt like the billionth time this day. With a sigh he continued "I'll have to go through my old research I did when I was in medical school. It's packed away somewhere in my room" they all nodded, feeling a little bit more relaxed at the thought of someone knowing what to do.
"Well, I'm going to go find that research. Gordon you can help. The rest of you go help your brother" Jeff ordered as he lead Gordon away from the group.
"How exactly do we help Alan? I mean, we barely even know what's wrong!"
Just as he was about to respond they all heard a sound of skin hitting the floor. The trio shared worried looks before racing into the medical room. The scene before them made their blood run cold. Alan, their little Alan was curled up on the floor holding a bloody scalpel near him. His body shook with audible sobs, it hurt their ears to hear such sorrow. Scott rushed forward and knelt beside his baby brother. His hands hovered above the teen before resting one on Alan's. Alan's head slowly rose up and locked eyes with the elder Tracy. His eyes were red from the tears, almost making him look possessed.
"…Scott?" Alan chocked out, voice sounding so broken.. Scott put on a fake smile, it almost faltered him as he saw Alan's eyes fill up with more tears.
"Hey buddy. Come on, give me the scalpel" Not once did his voice waver. Fear coursed through his veins as he saw Alan pull it closer to his body, like a child with their teddy bear. Hit breath quickened as he saw the blood, oh god the blood on his baby's hands. Feeling another body push him aside Scott hears the sound of his shoos squelching. Looking down at the floor he saw that there was blood there also. He had to bit back the tears threatening to come. Where did they go wrong? Hauling himself up to his feet, he felt the presence of a body behind him.
Turning around he saw the stiff figure of John. Noticing that his little brother's jaw was tense, he knew that he wasn't the only one fighting the tears to come.
"Alan just, please give me the scalpel" Hearing the soft voice of Virgil broke him back into reality. To be honest he didn't like reality at the moment. He saw-and couldn't believe-Alan let go of the scalpel.
John's legs felt like they were going to buckle any moment as he saw Alan let go of the weapon he used to harm himself with (He honestly wanted to melt that little buggar). He also noticed how Vigil held it out to his direction to take it, John did as he was instructed and placed it on the bench behind him.
"Can you get up?" Virgil asked. Alan shook his head slowly. Everything was slow. And it was indigenizing the brothers.
"I only want you here" his voice was so quiet that they could barely make out the words. John and Scott were feeling so utterly useless. Their baby brother wanted Virgil. And Virgil only.
"Okay" Virgil softly replied. He looked back at Scott and John with a pleading expression. John was about to argue when Scott grabbed his arm, dragging him outside the room.
"What are you doing?!" John almost shouted at Scott. But he then realized the expression Scott was wearing. He looked worn out.
"It hurts me just as much as it hurts you, not being able to be there for Alan. But we have to let Virgil help Alan. He's the Doctor. So be quiet and let him do his job" Scott said in his older brother tone. John knew that there was no use in arguing so he sat on the floor. Waiting.
"Okay sprout. There gone, let me look at your cuts" Alan looked at Virgil, then hesitantly and painfully uncurled himself and sat up against the draws. Virgil leant closer and lifted his brothers shirt up. Gasping at the sight before him. There were more than 10 cuts tittering Alan's waist-up. He looked at Alan's broken feature upon his face.
"You hate me don't you?" Virgil almost pounced at him with a hug and never planning to let go at the sound of how cracked he was.
"No. No baby, I'm not" Alan didn't seem to fully believe him. Examining the cuts he decided that none of them needed stitching. Virgil reached to one of the draws which supplied him with the medical equipment he needed.
The 15 minutes were spent in deathly silence. Alan just looked at the wall opposite him, eyes drifted far into an unknown world. Virgil tried to concentrate on fixing Alan up, but kept on reverting to thinking about how to play out his next move. When he was finally done he sat back and stared at Alan.
"Alan?" seeing as he got no response he just voiced his question "Sprout why are you so head-set on harming yourself?" he got a reaction out of that one. Alan looked at Virgil with glassy eyes.
"Because, when the emptiness is too much to handle. Or the stress. Or just life in particular, I need to let it out. Like the cute are a door to freedom. And after a while, it just became a habit. And then I realized…" He trailed off. Just seeing at how much he said. Virgil frowned and wrapped his baby up in a hug.
"You realized what sprout?" Alan chocked on a sob and he felt his shirt turning wet.
"I realized th-that being human, is so destructible" Virgil nodded, another thing that is wrong with this world. Destructibility. Once you understand how to harness that, you can't turn back. And the thought of Alan understanding that broke him in ways more than one. Why did this have to happen to Alan?
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