Chapter Seven - Green Eyes
River sinks to the floor, silent tears falling as she helplessly watches the TARDIS fade. Her hearts feel emptier than she had ever known and it was her fault. Instead of confronting her fears, telling him the truth about what happened to her after the last time they had met, she had cowered away. Afraid of hurting him, afraid of facing the truth. She felt selfish that another factor was upsetting herself and opening old wounds. However, she was now alone.
The thought of her life without him, her child's life without him was more than she could bare to think of. She let out a howl and fell to the floor. Unable hold it back, she let herself sob. The floods if tears pouring as never before. As her body shook with uncontrollable wails, bitter numbness started to take over her.
She felt empty.
Before she had fallen head over heels with the doctor, River had thought it wasn't possible, in loving someone as much as she loved him. She felt her stomach flip as she thought about him. She knew that it wouldn't be long until she would be a distant memory to him. He would eventually choose to forget her and there was nothing that she could do to make it right.
The man that always runs away.
River shut her eyes hoping that it would stop the tears from coming. Wrapping her arms around herself she rocked back and for. She heard the sound of thunder rumbling ominously across the grey sky. The clouds dark and threatening, they opened and the rain poured. It didn't take long for her clothes to be completely soaked through. She shivered, teeth chattering, she could feel the tiny bump on her stomach press against her forearm. Unsure how she never noticed it before today. She tried to calm her breathing, trying to gather her strength to go back inside. Her knees were beginning to ache. Unsure how long she had been sat out in the cold evening, she stood gingerly. Finding it hard to move her feet realizing she had her child to think of now, not just herself, and she knew deep down that it would do neither of them any good for her to stay out in the rain.
She closed the doors behind her after entering the suite, making sure to lock them. Staring out at evening sky that was fast approaching. Gazing at the stars she thought of him, thought of them. How magnificent they are together. She immediately corrected herself.
Were.
With a heavy sigh she started to peel her clothes off. Shivering she decided a hot shower would be the fastest way warm her up. Pealing her wet clothes from her she dropped them in a pile on the floor and made her way into the bathroom. She caught her reflection as she walked past the mirror, pausing she looked herself and turned to the side rubbing a hand over her stomach she couldn't help a small smile.
Twenty minutes later River emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a soft, fluffy, cream dressing gown and a towel the same color wrapped around her head. She sat on the fur rug unsure what to do with herself. She was torn into packing her things and leaving but on the other hand what if he did decide to return? The suite was theirs for another eight days, after all. She had been ill that day it made her wonder how far into the pregnancy it would continue. She needed rest there was no doubt about that. Feeling it was best she kept away from preying eyes, if someone were to find out that she was carrying is child, not just one but two... She suppressed a shiver not wanting to think what may happen to her. She came to the conclusion that she would stay until the night before check out.
Unravelling her hair from the towel, she used it to idly rub her hair, staring aimlessly into the flames. The clock chimed signaling the end of another hour. Suddenly realizing it was much later than she thought and how exhausted from the sickness and the amount of tears she had cried, River crawled between the soft bed sheets. Laying on her back staring up at the ceiling, she rests her hands on her tummy, allowing sleep to slowly take her.
Her eyes flicked open at the soft sound of the door unlocking and the handle being rattled. A gust of cool night air flew into the room causing the fire to flicker, and stray strands of River's hair to flutter across her face, tickling her nose. Her body freezes and she's holding her breath as if afraid to move. She can hear the sound of the door closing and of footsteps crossing the room.
"Is this what I have to look forward to every time we have an argument?"
"And is this what I have to look forward to? You running away at the drop of a hat? Taking any opportunity to leave me?"
He huffs loudly at her response.
"I'm stubborn River you should know that by now."
She sits up on the bed staring at him.
He takes a few steps forward but doesn't come any closer than the foot of the bed. Opening his mouth as if to say something and then shuts it again. His eyes darting around the room, anywhere but looking at her. He looks nervous, if anything he looks slightly annoyed. His cheeks a tint of pink.
"Are you going to tell me what happened?" he asked keeping his voice low and level. Trying not to give her any indication of his mood.
River lowers her gaze, pulling herself backwards so she is leaning against the headboard. Looking down at her folded hands, taking a deep breath.
"Believe me, my love, I wanted to tell you. I haven't seen you, any version of you until you picked me up 7 weeks ago." she fumbled with her hands, not being able to look at him. he Doctor on the other hand, watched her every move. He folded his arms and placed a hand to his chin. "I had been feeling unwell and scanned myself. It had been travelling and thought I may of pick up a virus. Well, when it came up saying that I was pregnant, I thought it was a blip. My scanner sometimes has a tendency to malfunction after using the vortex manipulator. I waited several hours and done it again, but this time it showed negative. There was nothing racing around in my system. My hormone levels were normal. I was so happy when I first seen it flash up that I was pregnant. Seeing the results of the second scan, I was heartbroken. At least, I thought I was. Nothing could prepare me for-" River swallowed hard closing her eyes. "I tried not to think any more about, residing to the fact that I would give a week and test myself again. Maybe I was so early on I was..." she paused again and the Doctor could see how hard it was for to speak. "Not even five days later I started bleeding and I knew, I just knew, that something wasn't right. I was in so much pain I couldn't move. I scanned myself, and sure enough it showed that I was pregnant, but my hormone levels weren't anywhere near where that should be to sustain a pregnancy. I. ... I miscarried." River fell silent remembering the heart ache, it felt as though it were yesterday. A raw guilt that would never subside no matter how much time had passed. "There are somethings you get over, and there are somethings you don't."
Tears were flowing down her face.
"How far were you?"
"Nearly 8 weeks. There's not a day that doesn't go by where I don't think of that child. The what ifs... It was the most difficult thing I have ever been t-through."
"And I wasn't there with you," the way he said those words made River look up at him. Looking at the Doctors face, silent tears ran down his face. "Forgive me love. I thought that you had..." he cleared his throat. "I didn't realize you had lost the baby." He leaned his hands on the edge of the bed, hanging his head. "I thought you had a termination." He felt guilt. His wife had been suffering and he hadn't known it. He had added to the hurt by throwing accusations at her. The one person that he never wanted to hurt or cause intentional pain and he was doing it now.
"Oh my love," she climbs to her knees and shuffled down the bed, clasping his face with both hands, she pulled him in for a kiss. Looking at him she spoke words that hurt but were true, "There's nothing that could of been done. Sometimes things are simply not meant to be."
"I could if been there for you-"
"Your here now that's all that counts."
River threw her trembling arms around his neck, burying her face in his neck breathing him in, a choked cry leaving her. Never had she shed so many tears as she did the past day. Thinking that he wouldn't come back to her. She needed him, their baby needed him. The thought of him not being in their child's life was more than she could bear to cope with. A lump had started to form in the back of his throat as he wrapped his arms around her. Her revelation and honest words had affected him more than he was willing to show her. Not wanting to her to see how upset he was he hid face, holding her tightly and nuzzling her hair.
"You came back." Her voice wavered, she blinked hard and allowing her tears to fall.
"Of course I came back," his arms pull her frame closer.
"I'm sorry my love. I'm so sorry for what I didn't tell you."
"Sssssshh," he soothes her kissing her cheek.
She begins to shake with her sobs.
"I've got you. I won't let you go." He moves, laying her down on the bed and coming around so that he is lying beside her, he pulls her as close as he can to cradle her. Allowing her to cry until she can't cry no more. He brushes her hair from her face watching each breath she takes.
"Are we going to be alright?" River asked breaking the quiet.
"No, we're going to be magnificent." In all of his life the Doctor had never been unsure of anything. He smiled down at his beautiful, infuriating wife, cupping her cheek and kissing her tenderly. "All of us." He moves his head down to rest a protective hand on her tummy. "Whatever happens, this is what matters."
River sighs contently, resting her hand on top of his and he leans forward pressing his forehead against his, pecking the tip of her nose.
"I love you," River breathed.
He released his hold on her, she turned onto her back as he pulled his arm from underneath her. He moved down the bed, lifting her top, his voice full of love he said, "And I love you, just as much as ever." he kissed her tummy and her hearts melted. She looked away from his smiling facing, eyes filling up again, she blinked rapidly, The Doctor rested a cheek on her tummy looking up at her and she ran her fingers through his hair.
He tightens his hold on her ever so slightly, "The thought of being without you..."
"You're stuck with me," she sniffed meeting his gaze with her green eye. His eyes full of love.
