Roughly Three Months Ago…
Wario was used to walking in on his little brother doing strange things. Playing videogames upside-down on his back, with his knees hooked over the back of the couch, for example. In that vein, he wasn't surprised when he'd found Waluigi on his knees on the counter, digging through the spice cupboard mumbling under his breath. Even the crowd of pots and pans completely obscuring the stovetop wasn't entirely unusual. The giddiness, however, was completely new. He'd seen Waluigi excited, and he'd seen him hyper, but never like this. Giddy was the only word that could accurately describe the way he was grinning and bouncing around the kitchen. "I hope you're planning on cleaning up when you're done, 'cause I'm not touching this mess."
Waluigi did a half-twirl sort of motion to face his brother. He was still beaming. "You're home! Right on time." He clapped his hands once and rubbed his palms together. "This is good. This is very good."
Wario frowned, slowly removing his riding jacket and tossing it over the back of his chair. "That's a lot of food for two people."
Waluigi crossed him arms and stood up straight, pleased as the piranha plant that ate the birdo. "That's because it's for four people."
"You invited people over," Wario said warily.
Waluigi gave him several short, sharp nods, and then returned to cooking.
"Dare I ask who?"
"If I told you, you wouldn't believe me, so you'll have to wait and see. They should be here soon. Nine hundred more ticks, give or take."
"Whatever." Wario went to the fridge, pulled out a soda, and waddled toward the TV room. "Just call me when the food's done."
000
The immense house—almost a mansion, really—was hard to miss, even through the thick trees. Luigi tightened his grip on Daisy's hand as they followed the footpath through forest. They'd slipped in from the rear of the property, using Waluigi's secret exit so that people on the main road wouldn't see them stop in front of the Wa brother's house. It wasn't the forest itself that had his heart thundering in his chest, though. Mario would flip if he knew what Luigi was doing right now. He didn't even want to know what a vicious little ogre like Wario would do to him.
"It's so pretty in here. Do you think Wario owns all of it?" Daisy asked, watching a bird flitter across the path.
Luigi just shrugged, staring at the ground with wide eyes and expressionless lips. His mouth felt dry.
"Hey," Daisy said, peering at him. "Don't be so nervous. It's going to be fine."
"You're really going to tell me that Wario doesn't unnerve you even a little bit?"
"Well, he's gross, but that's nothing to be scared off. Besides, if it was going to be a problem, Waluigi wouldn't be so enthusiastic about telling him."
"Waluigi would tell every single person in the kingdom two or three times if I hadn't explained to him why it's not a good idea. I mean, it's flattering, how he's so proud and all," Luigi amended quickly, "but he doesn't exactly have a- a grasp on the how the world, outside of his whims, works. His judgment isn't… comforting."
"Neither of us is going to let Wario do anything bad to you." She adjusted Luigi's hat and trailed her fingers across his cheeks. "Relax."
The path emptied out through a garden hedge and took them left past a row of piranha plants. A veritable rainbow of bulbous heads turned to follow them as they passed, tongues lolling like dogs. Though Daisy admired them on the way by, she maintained a safe distance. The princess in yellow and the plumber in green made their way to the front door and rang the golden bell hanging next to it. A few seconds later, the door flew open, revealing Waluigi's characteristic toothy smile.
"Come in, come in, come in…" He stepped aside and ushered them into the front hall. Once the door was closed, he draped an arm around each of their shoulders and leaned forward enough to bring his head level with theirs. "Guess you found the place okay. Dinner's ready. Hope you like chicken piccata. I wasn't sure, but-"
Waluigi's aimless chatter carried an undertone of nervousness that Luigi was surprised to hear from his boisterous doppelganger. Forgetting his own butterflies for moment, Luigi stood on tiptoe to kiss the narrow cheek. Evidently Daisy had similar thoughts, because she followed suit on the other side.
The tall man stopped midsentence, and then chuckled a little, squeezing their shoulders. "Okay, then. Let's go blow Wario's mind."
Wario slouched in an armchair with his furry bare feet thrown up on an ottoman. He hated recliners—too much work to get in and out of one. The button on his purple jeans was undone, allowing his ponderous gut to spill across his lap more comfortably. When his peripheral vision spotted his little brother entering the room with two other people, he cast a disinterest glance in their direction, moving only his eyes. Then he did a double take, sitting up and twisting in the chair to confirm that his mind wasn't playing tricks on him. "They're the mysterious dinner guests?"
"I told you you wouldn't believe me."
Wario's eyes darted from Daisy, to Luigi, and back again. He'd known about his brother's crush on the princess. While he couldn't figure out how he'd managed to get her to visit, Luigi's presence raised even more questions. Finally, he settled on what seemed like a decent catchall question. "What's going on?"
Waluigi squared his shoulders proudly as he answered, "I am introducing my lovers," he savored the moment, finally being able to say the word out loud, "to my family, because we've reached a point where it's time to start doing that sort of thing." His body vibrated with the barely restrained anticipation of an excitable Chihuahua as he waited for Wario's reaction.
"Lovers," Wario repeated, deadpan.
"Uhuh!" Waluigi nodded.
"All three of you."
"Yes! The great Waluigi has a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Because everything I touch turns to awesome. Wahaha!"
Wario was quiet for a moment, and then he burst out laughing. "Oh, man, you almost had me there for a minute. Now come on. They lose a bet or something?"
"It's true," Waluigi insisted, deflating almost instantly. "I've been sneaking around with them for weeks."
"Riiight. And koopas will fly out of my butt. I'm not an idiot, Walu."
Luigi was taken aback. He hadn't expected this reaction at all. Based on Waluigi's frustrated frown, it was fair to assume this wasn't what he'd expected either.
"He's telling the truth," Daisy said, rather defensively.
Wario frowned. "If that is the truth, it's the least interesting thing that could be going on right now. Is the food ready?"
Waluigi sighed, shoulders slumped. "Yes."
"Now that's some news that interests me."
The news had gone over so easily that the ordeal left Luigi somewhat staggered. He'd worried about Wario being angry that his brother was 'in bed with the enemy' as it were. He'd expected the greedy miser to blackmail Daisy. It certainly hadn't occurred to him that Wario simply wouldn't care. "That's it?" Luigi ventured as they followed Wario to the kitchen.
The pudgy man snorted. "I don't give two flying farts what or who my brother does in his spare time." He paused. "I guess I am glad he found something to keep him busy. Less time I gotta spend entertaining him."
Waluigi rolled his eyes and looked at the ceiling, rubbing the back of his neck.
"If I did care," Wario continued, plopping into the chair at the head of the table, "I wouldn't be surprised that he wanted to sleep with himself. I might wonder what Daisy's doing with him, though." He turned his attention to the princess. "I mean, you're both way out of his league, but Luigi's got no self-esteem. Dunno how Walu roped you into this."
Daisy's eyes darted between the Wa brothers, trying to gauge the situation. She usually jumped to the defense of Luigi's dignity, but she wasn't sure if Waluigi needed or wanted her assistance. He went about serving food and drinks, barely reacting to the thinly veiled insults Wario yammered out. "It seems you were wrong," Daisy said.
"Or you don't know the whacky bastard well enough yet," Wario said.
"You're just jealous," Waluigi said as he sat down with his own plate.
"I could've had a chick if I wanted one. Queen Merelda was all over me."
"You can say that all you want," Waluigi said, raising his eyebrows as he twirled his fork in his noodles, "but could'ves and would'ves don't make you any less alone."
"I have better things to do than run off with some royal bitch just because I rescued her from an evil king. It's an idiotic expectation and I am above it." Wario jabbed a finger against the table to emphasize his point.
"Blah blah blah. Go fuck a bag of coins, yah lonely bastard."
The joke hadn't been that funny, but the timing combined with the contrast between Waluigi's cool disinterest and Wario's heated defensiveness caught Daisy off guard. She choked on a giggle, which seemed to have caught itself on a bite of chicken she'd been swallowing. Waluigi beamed, sliding her glass of wine into her fumbling hand.
Wario just glared. "He's not funny. Don't encourage him."
Luigi sat very still, not sure what to do with himself. He'd known in an abstract sense that the Wa brother's fought a lot, but the restrained intensity between the two made the much shier man very uncomfortable. Hoping to diffuse the tension by redirecting the subject, or at the very least his doppelganger's attention, he said, "This is great, Waluigi. Did you make it yourself?"
Waluigi grinned. "I do all the cooking." Clasping his hands under his sharp chin, he leveled a smirk at the fat man sitting opposite him. "Beanbag-butt over there won't lift a finger unless it's to shovel more food into his face."
"You won't lift a finger unless it's to shove it down your throat, yah skinny bitch," Wario growled.
Luigi forced himself to keep going. The whole point of having dinner here was to formally meet Wario and get to know Waluigi better. If the two bickered all night, no one would get much of anything accomplished. "I do most of the- the cooking at our house, too," he said. "Maybe next time Mario's out of town I can return the favor or… something…" It worked. Sly affection turned up the corners of Waluigi's mouth and intense gray eyes shone with intrigue as they fixed themselves on Luigi. It was still a welcome relief to be able to hold eye contact without fear of what his unpredictable doppelganger might be thinking. These days the expression made Luigi's stomach flutter for different reasons.
"Wait, you haven't told Mario yet?" Wario asked.
Luigi shook his head quickly, eyes wide. "Mario would kill me. Or kill Waluigi and lock me up in the house for the rest of my life, but… It wouldn't end well."
"I don't know why you're so afraid of that midget," Waluigi said. "I could punt him if I wanted to."
"You don't know him like I do," Luigi said softly.
Wario turned his attention to Daisy. "I'm guessing the king and queen of Sarasaland don't know where their daughter is, either."
"They think I'm staying over at Delfino Island with Peach," Daisy admitted.
"Ha! Sneaky. Nice." Wario's face contorted into a broad grin, eyes glittering in the shadow of his bushy eyebrows. Then he dug into his pasta with a mighty slurp.
Waluigi caught Daisy's eye, tossing her a wink and a thumbs up.
When they finished eating, Wario went off on his own while Waluigi scraped all the leftovers into a bucket. Luigi watched from where he was helping load the dishwasher. Guest or not, cleaning up after dinner was an ingrained impulse. "That was a lot easier than I thought it would be," Luigi said.
"Why would it have been hard?" Waluigi asked without looking up from his task.
"I don't know. You two fight so much. I thought…" Luigi shrugged. "It doesn't seem like it takes much to get you two yelling at each other. Sometimes."
Waluigi laughed. "Wario is probably the least judgmental person I know. I was never worried about him being mad at me for this. Don't get me wrong, the guy's a total dick. He's just… Way too self-absorbed to give a shit."
Daisy laughed, too, seated at the table with the last few sips of her wine. "I guess that does make a twisted sort of sense."
"Doesn't make him any easier to live with, though." Waluigi deposited the last plate in the washing rack and shoved it closed. As he straightened up and turned around, he hooked a heel under the dishwasher door and kicked it shut behind him. "What time did you have to be home?"
"My alibi is good for the weekend if I need it to be," Daisy said.
"Mario's going to call me if I'm not home by nine, but I'll think of some excuse," Luigi sighed.
"Wanna help me feed the piranha plants, then?" Waluigi asked, picking up the bucket. "They've been in a good mood today. You might get to hear them sing."
Daisy and Luigi exchanged a glance. Singing piranha plants? That was something they had to see.
