Chapter VII: Send Me On My Way

Beta is the terrific TriciaOakenshield on .

A/N: Bramble inspired by notbecauseofvictories on Tumblr for her Angel Coulby photo set. Special thanks to The Hobbit Movies on Google+ recommended by for transcripts for the films.

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Bag-End was empty by the time Bramble had woken up the next morning. She had never realized how quiet the place was until that moment. It had always been meant to be full of family. Bramble's parents wanted at least a half-dozen children, but they stopped when both Bramble and her mother had almost died during the pregnancy. There was no one Bramble took an interest in so she could have little Hobbits of her own. She was far too "eccentric" and "intelligent" as her grandmothers would say. They also said it meant only the best would come for her. Bramble gave up looking decades ago.

The kitchen was bare (save for some animal crackers, tea, and Spam), but also completely clean. Bramble drank her tea and tried to warm herself up. The house was too cold, even with the heated floors.

After dressing in her normal brown skirt, white button up blouse, and a green vest, Bramble went to her study. Propped up was the contract. There was a note on it, but she did not read it.

It was a stupid idea. People died killing dragons. Smaug had been inactive for decades, but that did not mean he was dead. How were they going to find the Arkenstone? How was she to avoid a (possibly) live dragon? What were the repercussions if the beast awoke? Who would take care of her classes? Would Lobelia steal Bag-End? What would her parents say?

Bramble's thoughts stopped as she knew the answer already. It was the same thing they had told her all her life until her father died. "Go have an adventure and come back with a tale for us"

The contract was signed and stuffed into her skirt pocket.

Bramble took a deep breath before she began running around the house to pack. She grabbed: some materials she needed to return to a family friend they would probably meet along the way, a backpack, two changes of clothes (both including jeans), a party dress, all of the bras and underwear she could find, toiletries, feminine products, her wallet, a pocket knife which belonged to her mother, a book on traveling around the country which belonged to her father, and some tools for examining older documents. Bramble had just slapped her I-Pod, phone, and e-reader into her backpack when she realized she might actually need shoes. She tied her gym shoes together and draped them so they would hang around her neck. Grabbing her red coat, her lilac scarf, and a hair tie, Bramble ran to her bicycle.

Bramble did not even bother with her helmet. After putting her materials in the basket and disconnecting her baggage cart, she began peddling to the Green Dragon. The professor dipped so low on the turns she thought she would crash.

She saw the caravan beginning to leave the Green Dragon. They were turning onto the road to the greater world.

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Of course, the burglar did not show up. Thorin was not sure why he had bothered with her at all after the first meeting. Hobbits were nearly useless. "Garden and eat" was all halflings were good for the professor herself had said.

Thorin drove his black '67 Chevy Impala with Balin, Fíli, and Kíli. Glóin was in her green Toyota Highlander with Óin, Dwalin, and Dís. The rest were packed into Dori's yellow Volkswagen Bus.

They had just turned onto the road when a mad bicyclist stopped in the middle of the road. Thorin slammed on the brakes and was almost hit by Glóin.

Bramble Baggins waved her arms in the air, contract in hand. "I SIGNED IT!"

Balin got out of the car. Hobbits who were behind the Dwarves began honking their horns. Thorin got out of the Impala as well.

"Are you mad, Baggins?" Thorin said.

"Definitely!" Bramble said.

Thorin cocked his head to the side as he realized the Hobbit was wearing gym shoes like a necklace. "Definitely mad."

"Everything appears to be in order. Welcome, Professor Baggins, to the company of Thorin Oakenshield," Balin said.

Bramble smiled with the grin of child receiving birthday presents. "Thank you."

Dwalin got out of the SUV. "We have a bike rack on the bus. Come on."

Nori hooked Bramble's bike to the top of the van. Dwalin threw the Hobbit into the Volkswagen.

"If any of you want to leave, get out now. Otherwise, we're going," Thorin said before getting back into the Impala. As he glanced in the rear view mirror, he saw Dís give the thumbs up from Glóin's car.

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"So, what should we call you?" Bofur asked, "We all know how much you 'love' Belladonna."

"I don't have a preference," Bramble said, "So, where are we going first?"

"We are meeting the wizard past Indianapolis, professor," Dori said.

"Well, it's been a long time since I've been there. Lovely children's museum," Bramble said, "There are several historical markers along the way and some other museums and historical sites might…"

"I highly doubt we will be stopping for historical markers," Bombur said.

"We're going to Wal-Mart, aren't we? I need to pick up some supplies," Nori said.

"You are not going to be pick-pocketing people at Wal-Mart!" Dori said.

"Of course not! I was going to rob the store!" Nor said.

"Why you little… you're joking, aren't you?" Dori said.

Nori laughed. "Of course I am. I'm reformed. I'm a proper Dwarf now."

"And Dwalin will kick you so hard you will fly all the way back to Erud Luin," Bofur said.

"And that," Nori said.

"Thorin will give you the most terrifying glare in the history of glares," Ori said.

"And that too," Nori said.

"And Balin will be disappointed," Dori said.

Nori stiffened. "That above all."

Bramble sat up straighter but said nothing. She did not want to seem overly curious, but she knew there was a story.

Nori noticed the Hobbit's change in body language. "You want to hear the story, lass?"

Bramble nodded eagerly.

"Well, it goes like this," Nori said. She began braiding her long, red hair into multiple braids. "I'm a thief, you see, but I have only been stealing under orders now. Secrets and the like. It didn't used to be this way. I stole from anyone who looked rich enough to take the hit. Things were hard for a lot of years in Erud Luin. I didn't want my sisters starvin'.

"Eventually, I was caught stealing from this Dwarf who turned out to be the adviser of the king. He doesn't look it, but Balin is a great warrior. A bit slower than back in the days when King Thrór was still alive, but he can still pack a wallop. He broke my nose when he caught me picking his pocket. Balin dragged me to his office and I thought for sure I was going to die. I recognized the insignias of his position in his office. I was thinking of all the ways I was going to die when Óin walks in. He says he's there to fix my nose." She pointed to her nose. "Did it perfectly the first try. I doubt even those stinkin' elves could do it.

"Dwalin walks in and I just about wet my pants. You've seen Dwalin. The man is bigger than a bear and looks like he could rip your arms off like they were a piece of bread. Balin goes, 'Brother, I found someone who might be useful to you.' Turns out, they needed a spy amongst the thieves. Keep an eye on things. They need to know when a big score is about to go down. Dori, apparently, is friends with Balin so he knows who I am and what I've been up to and how upset my big sis is about my work.

"So, that's what I've been doing until, well, I was caught by other thieves. I needed to get out of town and Balin said he was going to Indiana with my sisters. No one in their right mind would go to Indiana, but it was gettin' too hot for me so that's how I ended up here." Nori finished off her braids. They were three individual braids which were wrapped together to create a single braid.

"Wow," Bramble said, "That's an amazing story!"

"I know. Balin has been keepin' an eye on me like any old uncle would since then. He got Ori a job workin' as a scribe and we have dinner once a week," Nori said, "That includes Dwalin. He's an old softie. Very protective of the king and his family, of course. If you are on his good side, you will be safe for the rest of your life."

Until Wal-Mart, they all told stories about themselves and the company. Dori ran a successful tea business. Ori was a scribe. Bombur was a mom with a record setting amount of children: fourteen in total. Bofur and Bifur were both toy makers and miners. Bifur had been badly injured in a war and had an ax in his head which was only removed thanks to modern surgical techniques about a decade before. He could no longer communicate except through hand signs or in an ancient form of Khuzdul no one understood all the time except for Gandalf. Óin was a doctor. Glóin worked in the tinder business, was married, and had a young son named Gimli. ("Never ask about Gimli. She'll never shut up.") Balin was adviser to Thorin while Dwalin was head of the guard. Fíli and Kíli were barely of age and had not done anything particularly interesting yet, though Fíli had a talent for working with computers. Dís was a mechanic and had been married, but her husband had died in a mining accident. She currently helped with keeping the community peace in Erud Luin. Discussions about Erebor were avoided.

Throughout the stories, they would sing as loud as they could when their favorite songs came on the radio. There was a rousing rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. There was a much fist pumping when "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds played. The whole car was shaking when "Send Me On My Way" by Rusted Root came on a little bit before they arrived at Wal-Mart.

Thorin was in a foul mood when they stopped at the Wal-Mart fuel station. "The wizard is not here," he said.

"A wizard is never late," Bramble said in a gruff voice, "Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

Dís hopped onto the trunk of the Impala. "What now?"

"We wait for an hour and then leave without him," Thorin said. He rubbed his eyes. "Now is as good a time as any for your lessons, Baggins."

"What lessons?" Bramble asked.

Thorin glared at her. "Didn't you read my note and the addition to the contract?"

"I saw the note, but didn't have time to read it," Bramble said.

Balin popped out of the car with the contract. He flipped it open and read from a paper which folded out from the rest of the contract. "Professor Belladonna Bramble Baggins will be given lessons in the languages of Dwarves during the trip and free access to the libraries of Erebor if they remain intact after the reclaiming of the Lonely Mountain."

"What?" Bramble said, "Are you joking? This is a terrible joke."

"You didn't know when you signed?" Thorin asked.

"No! I wouldn't have signed! It's a terrible thing to say. Dwarves never teach their languages to outsiders. You know it's what I would want. I am going home," Bramble said.

She turned to leave but Thorin grabbed her arm. "I would never joke about what my people hold sacred. You do not want gold, but you want knowledge. I am willing to pay it if I will have my burglar."

Bramble looked ready to cry. "Really? I'll… the languages? The books?"

Thorin nodded. He realized he had been holding her arm for some time and let her go. "All of it. Only if you answer this: why come if not for the information?"

Bramble rubbed her eyes. "I… I suppose because… I needed an adventure and you need an overly educated burglar." She smiled. "What does everyone like to eat?"

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A/N: Lembas to anyone who points out a certain car reference. The historical markers are purely because my mother stops at every single one if she is driving. One time she almost got hit by a semi-truck.