Chapter 6

Brian was standing by Justin's side in the airport, along with Michael and Ben. He was nervous, even though he tried not to let it show. They were waiting for Melanie, Lindsay, Gus and JR. Their plane had already landed, and they would see them any minute now. Brian took a drag of his cigarette and sighed. "Shit, where are they?"

As soon as Gus saw his father, he came running into his arms, hugging him tightly and saying: "Hi, Daddy! I missed you!"

Brian stubbed out the cigarette on the floor, let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and carried the boy, whispering "Me too, Sonnyboy."

Gus held his father's face between his little hands, and announced, "I'm on the baseball team now, and I'm the best player there. When will you come and see me? I'm gonna be famous and handsome, like you. Mommy says I look like you already."

Justin laughed, "He's really your son, Brian, already praising his qualities! Hello, Gus," he said as he ran his hand through the boy's hair.

"Jus!!! You're here too!! That's soooo coool! "

Lindsay gave Brian a hug, murmuring "I missed you, big guy," and Brian, not a big fan of fluffy moments, just smiled at her.

Michael approached them, already holding JR in his arms, "Let's go to Ma's. She's been planning this big welcome dinner for weeks!"

"Let's go, then." Mel said. "The children are excited, but tired. The plane was delayed, and these two have no patience at all."

Gus, Melanie and Lindsay were delighted to see Justin, and the blond saw himself repeating all over again everything about the glamorous NYC. Especially to an eager Lindsay, who seemed to absorb his words. He sometimes wondered if he truly believed all he was saying about his so-called new life. It was fine, all right. But he didn't want fine. He wanted fucking brilliant, and being with Brian was definitely part of that. He just didn't know how he would make this work. But then he remembered the conversation he and Brian had on Christmas and smiled.

The next few days went by in a blur. Brian spent his time between Kinnetik, Justin and Gus. The girls were staying at Deb's house. Since Emmett had moved in with Drew, Debbie's house had two empty rooms.

They had family dinners almost every night, Brian spending as much time with Gus as he could. As much as he didn't look forward to those "gatherings", he had to humor his two boys. So, he was going to Kinnetik only in the mornings these days, to spend the afternoons and evenings with his son. He was even able to have an entire conversation with Melanie without getting mad at her, and that was a good indication of his good will. And surprisingly good mood.

He tried not to think that, by the next week, they would all be gone again, but life had its ups and downs, and he had to learn how to live with it. He had visited the girls at Toronto a couple of times, and he knew they were doing fine. Lindsay was keeping his promise so far, not letting Gus forget his father, and every time Brian saw him, the boy acted as if they'd never been apart. It was all he could ask for, now. Besides, he knew it wasn't Gus's choice.

Justin was a whole different matter. It had been their mutual choice, but it was all bullshit. Brian wanted Justin with him, end of story. But he guessed he had to be "content" with what he had, and somehow try to show the blond everything was fine, even if he had to go to these stupid dinners and celebrations like Christmas and all that shit.

That was why he was now in the park next to Mikey's house, with his surrogate family, freezing in the fucking cold, waiting for the fireworks that would announce the beginning of a new year. His arm was around Justin's shoulders while they chatted with Michael and Ben. He was mildly annoyed, because Lindsay kept stealing glances at him, and pretending not to look when he glared at her. He wanted to ask what the hell was going on, but decided to leave at that, at least for today. He had already ruined Justin's Christmas, so fuck if he would do the same with New Year's Eve. He knew the blond liked the sentimental shit.

The kids were running between the adults, playing hide and seek, excited about the fireworks. Brian had to laugh at Gus and JR, as they kept asking when the show would begin over and over, while Mel kept patiently telling them "By midnight, honey."

"What are you laughing at?" Justin asked.

"Nothing," Brian said simply.

"Come on Brian, humor me. Or you won't go near my ass tonight,", he joked.

"And why do you think I'm here, Sunshine, if not for you bubble-butt? And your skills, of course."

"You didn't answer my question, don't try to fool me, Mr. Kinney."

"Oh, hell, all right. But I'm way over my share of lesbianic thoughts for the whole next year, I'm afraid I'll grow a twat. So be nice and don't comment on this one. "

"But Brian, I thought I was more than nice to you?" the blond laughed. "Come on, tell me."

"Shit. You surely have your way with me. Brat. Okay, I was looking at Gus."

"That explains that silly smile on your face."

"I do NOT do silly smiles. They make my dick soft."

"Nothing makes your dick soft, it's quite amazing, actually. But you were saying..."

"Okay, you win. I was thinking that I didn't even want to agree with Lindz when she asked me to be the sperm donor. And now I don't remember a day when I don't think about him."

"Shit, Brian. That's..."

"Sentimental? Yeah, no shit. I'm out of my fucking mind, it's all this champagne you made me drink. If you ask me, it's such a sissy drink...Anyway, it's just that...He's growing so fast. I was a shitty father when he was here, really absent, and now he's far away and I'd just like to have another chance to see him grow up, you know."

"You still have a chance, Brian. He adores you."

"You don't know that. He's too young to realize the kind of shit I am," Brian shrugged. As if on cue, Gus came running to him and threw his arms around his legs, saying excitedly, "Pull me up, Daddy, it's midnight. The fireworks will start soon!"

Brian obliged and they watched the beauty of the fireworks, while people around them kissed and hugged, wishing Happy New Year to each other. Gus turned his face to look at is father and said cheerily, "Happy New Year, Daddy. I'm so happy to be here with you!" And kissed his father's cheek.

Justin was amazed, the boy looked exactly like Brian, but was such an open child, unlike his dad. He certainly got that from his mother. The way he announced so things so easily his father perhaps would have a stroke trying to say some years ago, and even now had trouble saying... "I love you," the boy added, and then looked at Justin, saying "You too, Justin."

Brian looked at Justin and smiled broadly, in an un-Kinney way.

"I love you too, Sonnyboy, I'm happy you're here," he said to Gus, his eyes not leaving Justin's. "Both of you," he added.

Justin simply held the two of them, father and son, watching the fireworks and wishing that this night would never end.

Two days later Brian found himself looking at a very worried Ted Schmidt, trying patiently to nod and murmur while he listened to Ted's problems. Months ago he would never have pictured himself in this situation, but now it wasn't so strange anymore, and he wondered, not for the first time, when he and Ted became good friends

"I told you, Ted, I know nothing of this shit. I don't do relationships."

"Duh…" Ted said rolling his eyes. "What about Justin, Bri?"

Brian ignored the comment. "You were saying…?"

"Right." Ted shifted in the chair in front of Brian's desk. "I love Blake, we're together for some time now, but…I hate that he has to travel all the time."

"You said it was because of his work."

"It is!!! It's just that…" he looked around as if searching for the right words. "The thing is…he's hot and younger than me and…I don't know, when he's traveling, he can always find someone…"

"Better than you?" Brian asked, looking at Ted pointedly.

"Uhhh…yes." The older man finally admitted.

"Fuck, Theodore!" Brian lighted a cigarette and took a long drag, inhaling the smoke deeply and coughing a little. "Don't be so insecure! Either you trust him or not."

Ted half smiled at his boss and friend, but said nothing.

"The thing is…there's no reason for Blake to be with you if he doesn't…" he struggled with the words. Brian hated talks like that, but the minute Ted entered his office with pleading eyes, asking if they could talk, he knew there was no way out of it. Well, there was always a way out, but recently he discovered that his sarcastic remarks toward Ted weren't so funny anymore. "…if he doesn't…care about you. I mean, you're not rich…"

"Or young, or beautiful…" Ted finished for him.

"Shit, there you go again. Stop that! Do you really think that's all Blake's after? That's all he cares about? Because if you do, I see no point in living with him."

"No, of course I don't think that."

"Then don't say you came here just to hear me saying how wonderful you are, and that Blake will never cheat on you…" he stubbed out the cigarette and immediately lighted another one. "Because I don't believe in this fucking monogamy shit."

"Well, you almost married once. Weren't you planning on being monogamous?" As soon as the words left his lips, he regretted saying them, because a shadow crossed Brian's eyes and Ted could suddenly see all the pain Brian tried to hide. "Uhhh…" he wanted to say something, anything, but didn't know what.

"You're a great guy, Ted." Brian said averting his eyes. "But you need to trust him." He added softly. "And most of all…trust whatever there is between you two."

Ted opened his mouth astonished with the sincere advice, because it was so out of character that he had to blink twice to be sure he was really in front of the real Brian Kinney and not some clone.

Cynthia entered his office, not bothering to knock. "Hey Ted, Mr. Wilson is waiting in your office. Brian, Lindsay's here, she wants to see you."

"Okay, I'm going. See you later, Bri. And…thanks." Ted murmured leaving the room.

"Yeah, whatever. Now get your ass out of here," To Cynthia, Brian added: "Tell her to be quick. I don't have time right now. I have this meeting in one hour."

"Actually, I cleared you agenda for the rest of the morning, it's almost lunchtime. You should take a break and go out."

"What the hell, Cynthia, you know too damn well I never go out for lunch."

"I know too well you don't have lunch at all. Period. And you're smoking too much. You're getting thinner, it's so unappealing...", she tried to cover her worry with a joke.

"Tell that to the guys who keep stalking me," he raised an eyebrow. "Alright. Send Lindz in."

"Whatever you want, boss." she sighed.

Lindsay entered Brian's office smiling, and Brian thought Toronto was really good for her. She looked radiant, her blond hair cascading on her back, longer than he had ever seen. She wore a beautiful dark brown coat, brown boots that were so Lindsay, and brought with her a scent of spring even though it was winter. Shit, if he was straight he could fall for her. He could understand poor Mel had no chance resisting the blond woman.

"Hi, Bri," she said kissing him briefly on the lips. "I decided you're going to take me to lunch today."

"Lindz, I'm working," he said, but couldn't contain his smile.

"Bullshit, Cynthia already told me you're free. Come on, Bri. For me?" she blinked innocently.

"I'm not hungry. Maybe we could leave this for another day and just stay here? If you want I can order something."

"Brian Aidan Kinney," she put her hands on her waist. "Enough with this shit. I'm not kidding. I've been paying attention to you, and you're scaring me."

"Really?" he raised an eyebrow, trying to sound amused.

"I also talked to Mike. And Debbie," she sat down in front of his desk, crossing her legs.

"It's good to know I'm the center of your attention, but I don't like people talking about me behind my back."

"We're worried."

"Is that all? You don't have to. I'm fine, can't you see?" he opened his arms.

"Okay, you asked for it, so I'll tell you what I see. I see you're thinner and paler than I remember. I know you hardly eat, hardly sleep, and work a lot more than you have to. Debbie says you seldom go to the diner, Mikey says you don't go to Babylon like you did before. In fact, they all say you practically withdrew yourself from their lives. They never see you."

"That's so not true! I've been going to all the little family reunions you guys..."

She cut him off, "Only because Justin's here. Since he got here you suddenly were spotted everywhere. You don't want him to know."

Brian raised from his chair, with bright and unquiet eyes. "For Christ's sake, Lindsay, Don't you have your own lives to worry about? What do you think YOU know, anyway?"

She got up as well, facing him, daring him to deny. "That you're miserable without him! That you're hiding from everything that reminds you of him. Even your friends! And if I'm not wrong, you probably drink and smoke and use drugs as much as you always did, if not more! Only you do it alone where they won't see you on your pain management bullshit, so you can pretend you're fine!"

"Shut up, Lindsay," he was really angry now. "I don't need anyone's pity!"

"It's not pity, it's concern! We care about you, and if you're suffering, we..."

"I. DON'T. DO. THIS. SENTIMENTAL. SHIT!" he yelled. "No one's "suffering" here, so why don't you go to your dear wife and your happy life in Toronto and leave me the fuck alone?"

"Brian," she started again, trying to remain calm, although she wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him hard. "You miss him. You should tell Justin how you feel. I'm sure there's a solution for you both."

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? So what? So he would come home to save poor Brian? And give up his brilliant future? Give up "wonderful" New York?" he pinched he bridge of his nose. "Fuck you, Lindsay. He has a whole new life ahead of him. Let him live it. And why you're so worried, anyway? Felling guilty all of a sudden?"

"Guilty?" she couldn't believe that. "Why would I feel guilty?"

Fuck, he couldn't contain himself "First, you took Gus away! Then, as if it wasn't enough, YOU started this New York shit! You showed me that magazine knowing all too well I would make him go. We were about to get married, for Christ's sake! You made him see how much he was sacrificing!"

"Oh God, Brian," she whispered, covering her mouth with her hand. "I had no idea you felt that way about me."

"Well, you have now." he said coldly. "And if you say anything to him don't even bother to talk to me again."

"Well," she sighed with a sad expression, "I guess we're not having lunch together, after all. But Brian, think again before you accuse me. I was afraid for our son. They put a BOMB in Babylon, my God! Can't you see those homophobic people would never leave us alone?

Brian didn't answer, but his face somewhat softened. She went on.

"And about Justin... Justin is BRILLIANT, Brian. He is! He has a talent and a passion I've not seen in a long time. He can have the world at his feet! Would you deny him that? How would you feel being the reason why he didn't became the artist he was meant to be? If you really love him, and I KNOW you do, you'll wait until he's ready."

She turned away to leave. "One more thing," she said, looking at his troubled eyes. "I know you say sorry's bullshit, but I'm sorry you hate me. Because I love you. And I would never do anything on purpose to hurt you. I'm sorry if I did."

He felt all his anger drain away. Well, almost all of it. It wasn't Lindsay's fault if he had been blind for five years and opened his eyes only when it was far too late. He had only himself to blame for the shit he was in. She was at the office's door when she heard his reply.

"I don't hate you, Wendy. I never could. You gave me Gus."

She slowly approached him again and cupped the side of his face with her hand.

"Oh, Peter..."

He sighed. "About Gus...I know he's fine. You and Mel take good care of him. He looks happy."

"He is."

He nodded. "And you're right. Justin is brilliant. And he would regret staying. That's why I let him go."

"But you never thought it would be so hard, did you?" she gave him a sad smile.

He shook his head and averted his eyes. "I knew it would be hard. But I thought I could go back to my old life. Fuck, I loved my old life. Only, I can't go back. Shit, I'm such a selfish prick."

"You're not selfish, Bri. You just love him more than you ever thought you could." She held him tight, and he suddenly felt suffocated, like that was too much for him to admit.

But he didn't have the strength to deny anything she said, because that was Lindsay, she knew him. So he let himself be held, and eventually held her back, thinking how the fuck his life had turned into a cheap soap opera. And he asked himself if he really wanted this future for Justin, a future with a man who seemed cold and despised all displaying of emotion, who didn't do romance, but couldn't even endure a little "heartbreak" without turning it into a big drama. God forbid, he hated the fucking word, as he hated all the clichés it brought with it. Only, it wasn't so easy to say it once it's his own heart that felt like breaking.