AUTHOR'S NOTE:

God, I know…I keep updating.

Sorry.

I've had a lot of time on my hands and this story just keeps practically writing itself so I can't help it.

Thank you again for all of the support!

I really don't think that I can thank you guys enough, actually.

This next chapter was going to be a little fluffy…but with the help of the people around me's opinions, I changed the whole idea.

So even though this is a rewrite, I like it more than the original 7th chapter I was writing before.

There is a flashback in this chapter to cement a relationship.

So I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

****

I woke up the next morning stretching a little. I half expected to reach out and have my arms or legs touch something…or someone. Problem was: no one was next to me. I opened my eyes and stroked the pillow next to me softly and heaved a heavy sigh. Damn Kirk—damn him and his terrible timing. So close, and yet so far—that was my relationship with Spock.

"I let myself in." Janet told me.

I turned over quickly and shook my head. "I really need to lock that stupid door."

Janet held out a cup of coffee, so I swung my legs over the side of the bed and took it from her. I sipped it and then ran my fingers along the rim of the glass and Janet laughed a little.

"Wow…I thought I was the only one who was upset about not getting laid." Janet said.

I rolled my eyes. "I have no idea why I even want you to date my brother."

Janet shrugged. "So would you like me to take Jim out for you? I mean it is his fault Spock had to run off to do work related things instead of satisfying your needs."

"Jimmy didn't know he was interrupting anything." I said dismally, sipping more coffee. "It's just as well anyways—I proved my point, didn't I?"

Janet's eyes went wide as I got up to get dressed in my uniform. "No! You can not just shut down like that, Lily! If last night has proved anything at all, it's that Spock is yours! You just have to handle the situation better."

I shrugged. "I have to talk to Laura about Lucas today, so…"

I trailed off as she got what I was doing, and headed for the door. As the door slid open she paused, and I studied her long and hard as she turned back around to me. When Janet had something important to say, her eyebrow normally twitched a little and she suddenly lost every ounce of playfulness she had.

"Do you know why I took the job in Sick Bay?" Janet asked me.

I laughed. "Everyone knows, Janet—easiest way to stalk Leo."

Janet smiled a little. "It's not about stalking Bones—at least not entirely. I am one of the best engineers that went through the academy, but I've always wanted to work with sick people—with dying people even. The medical world astounds me, and I've never been good at it…I wanted to prove to myself—and to Mansex—that I can do it no matter what anyone else says."

"You really are amazing with ships." I agreed, and then sighed. "I won't completely shut myself off from everything, all right? I promise…but Laura really is coming to talk to me, so I need to get ready and eat some breakfast."

Janet rolled her eyes, but the smile on her face assured me that she knew I'd heard her. I took another deep breath and then got dressed, heading to the Mess Hall to grab a quick breakfast before heading back to my quarters to counsel Laura about her husband's murder back on the Away Mission. No sooner had I replicated some food and sat down though, had Lieutenant Uhura come and sat down next to me.

When I looked up at her I couldn't help but feel something inside of me sink. She was beautiful—smooth chocolatey skin, long soft hair, an amazing mind, and legs I couldn't compete with. Why was Spock even wasting his time with me when he and Lieutenant Uhura had so much in common? I smiled a little at her though so she wouldn't catch on that I wasn't really in the mood right then, but she wasn't going anywhere.

"I'm worried about Spock." She told me plainly. "And I figured since you're the counselor around here, maybe you could talk to him."

It was in that moment that it suddenly dawned on me that even though Spock and I had breakfast together all that time, we were colleagues. No one actually expected anything to be going on between us, and from an outsider looking in, why should there be? I was new, I was inexperienced, and we were total opposites. Him and his logic, me and my feelings—and why the Hell couldn't I stop thinking about him for one stupid moment?!

I bit my lip then composed myself. "What exactly are you worried about, Lieutenant?"

She looked at the table and then back up at me. "He's been acting different lately. He's been rushing his work, researching random things—it's like he's not entirely himself anymore. Also, he's been avoiding the subject of the planet. He won't talk about happened or anything."

"Sounds to me like maybe he's trying to get himself some hobbies." I told her, trying to make her feel better since she looked really concerned.

"If he was a normal person I'd think that too…but he's not normal, Counselor. Please could you just...think about talking to him about it?" Lieutenant Uhura asked me.

I smiled a little. "Sure. Why not?"

She smiled, relieved. "Thank you so much."

When she got up to head away from the table, I pushed my tray away from me and sighed. I wasn't hungry anymore, and I had no idea why I felt sick and jealous. This wasn't like me. I found something to experiment with, I got a little attached, but then it was over and I was done. Why wasn't this that easy? Why did I feel ill?

I shook my head, pushing my bangs out of my face as they jostled, and then went to my quarters. My first thought had been that I should go and talk to my brother, but he was busy and I wanted to let him have more time with his newly discovered crush. On top of that, I had an appointment to talk to Laura Grant, and I couldn't miss that—that would be unprofessional. Unprofessional…I wanted Spock back.

"Laura." I told her, a smile on my face when I saw her outside my door.

She turned to me, her face sad and her eyes wet. She just nodded at me, knowing that her husband was dead, and needing some one to talk to. I wrapped my arm around her and took her into my quarters, giving her some tissues and trying to help her through it. I told her what had happened and I tried to make her comfortable since I knew that nothing I said or did would bring Ensign Lucas Grant back to life. Then she asked me the one question I never thought I'd be unable to answer.

"How do you let go of someone that you love?" She asked me through tears.

Why was I hesitating? Why couldn't I just tell her something that sounded mature and sincere and vague? I did not love Commander Spock…I hadn't known him long enough had I?

****

"Lily, sweetheart, what's wrong?" Leonard asked me, crossing the room to me that evening.

After chatting with Laura and then her leaving to grieve a bit on her own, I had sat down to think. Normally I could just sit down and everything would find its rightful place but I couldn't do that this time—everything was scattered. I didn't know how I felt, or what I felt, or what I was thinking. I'd become so attached to Spock that I couldn't stop thinking about him…and part me hoped that he was going through the exact same ordeal that I was right now too.

"I can't do this. Spock was right—we work together, we can't be together." I told him, wiping tears off of my cheeks. "Why was I so pushy? Why'd I let him cave? Why'd I crack him?"

Leonard sat next to me and pulled me close to him, stroking my hair. "Because you love a challenge, Lily. Spock was a mystery you could unravel—a puzzle you could solve. You and Spock fit…I don't want to admit it, but you do."

I buried my face in my brother's chest. "I just wanna eat some ice cream and wallow and…I don't want to talk about Spock."

Leonard kissed the top of my head. "I can replicate you ice cream, I can sit with you while you cry, and I can badmouth anyone you'd like me to."

"You're the best brother ever…and you used to hate me." I said with a chuckle.

It felt strange to be in a new place. I could tell that the boy didn't want me there, and he hated my very existence. I bit my lip to keep from crying, wishing my mother was here—my real mother. I looked up as the woman came up to me though, kneeling down at my level and wiping away a tear with her thumb.

"Don't cry, Sweetheart." She told me calmly, smiling.

Her smile was bright and genuine, and I could already feel that she pitied me—but that she also truly accepted me. She wasn't blaming me for anything…she was blaming my father. I was just a helpless little girl, and I felt that as much as she did.

"Why can't we send her somewhere else? There are orphanages, aren't there?" The boy asked.

"Leonard—stop it." She told him, picking me up.

She stroked my hair and turned to her son, his arms over his chest. My creation had caused a rift between his parents—my creation had made him no longer an only child. He wished I didn't exist—he wished he could have his mother to himself. I couldn't blame him.

"I just don't see why she has to stay." Leonard complained.

"Because she's your sister." The woman replied. "Now how about you help her to set up in her room, all right? I have to talk to your father."

Leonard rolled his eyes but showed me to my room. He pointed to a bed, and then his eyes betrayed pity too when I started to cry. I may have entered his house unwanted by him, but he at least cared enough not to want me crying.

"I want my mommy." I told him through tears.

Leonard sighed and came up next to me. "I don't even know what I'd do if my mother abandoned me…want some ice cream or something, Lily?"

"Mom was right, Lily…you're my sister. I'd die for you, and I know you feel the same way about me. You and Megan? You're all I have, and you two were the first two to be there for me when the wife divorced my ass and forced my hand to go into Star Fleet." Leonard explained.

"I love you, Leo." I told him, hugging him and smiling when he hugged me back tightly.

"I love you too, Lily." He replied, and kissed the top of my head again before getting up to replicate me some ice cream.

I took that moment to get up and go into the bathroom, washing my face and drying it off. My eyes were pink, and a little puffy, and I smiled a little in the mirror. So what if I had feelings for Spock? So what if he didn't have the same feelings for me? I had my family and my best friend—I had everything that I needed. I didn't have to have an unprofessional relationship.

"You have some nerve showing up here." I heard Leonard say.

"Cadet Ferris told me it was in my best interest to come and straighten things out." Spock replied.

"I have half the mind to make you leave." Leonard said forcefully.

Part of me wanted to hide in the bathroom until Leonard made him leave, but I knew all about my brother's emotions—and so did boyfriend number two when Leonard sent him to the hospital for grabbing my ass in a mall when I was 16 and telling me I had a 'rockin bod'. It was 'no way for someone to talk to his sister', and if Leonard was as pissed now as he was then, I had to intervene.

"Wait." I said, stepping out of the bathroom.

I smiled a little when I saw that Spock had a single flower, no doubt that Janet had replicated and forcefully given to him to give to me. He did want to straighten things out with me, but we were both battling with things we weren't sure of. His lips still looked soft…and a little moist. God, he tasted good—except this wasn't about his touch…this was about me thinking I might possibly maybe love him.

"I can stay, Lily—in fact I probably should." Leonard added, but I shook my head.

"No, it's fine." I told Leonard going up to him and taking his hand, kissing it softly. "Commander Spock and I will be just fine, I promise. If I need you to kill him and ship his body off without anyone knowing I'll let you know."

I kissed Leonard's cheek as he smiled and rolled his eyes a little, giving Spock a look before heading out of my quarters. When the doors slid shut behind Leonard, Spock took a step towards me but I held my hands up and he stopped. He handed out the flower and I took it, thanked him for it, and then set it on the table in my quarters.

"Look…I think we need to reevaluate our...'relationship' here." I told him, wishing that we weren't both feeling really sad about my decision.

"You are admitting that an unprofessional relationship is illogical." Spock said, and I frowned since both of us were feeling crappy that we were agreeing pretty much not to see each other anymore.

I swallowed as he took a step towards me. "Lieutenant Uhura wants me to figure out what's wrong with you."

Spock ran his tongue over his lip then tried to brush it off. "There is nothing wrong with me."

"She says you've been rushing your work and researching things that don't have to do with your job. I can't be the reason you stop being you, Spock." I told him.

"I don't want to stop seeing you but we have to focus—we have three years left on our mission." He said.

I nodded. "All right. Thank you…for the flower."

Spock nodded and as he headed for the door I had to speak up. I couldn't just let him leave on that note—I couldn't just let him leave. Why was I pushing him away? Why was I afraid of the feelings I had for him that I didn't understand?

"You could at least stay for some ice cream." I told him suddenly when he made it to the door. "Leonard replicated some and we can't just let it all go to waste—its coffee flavored…my favorite."

We both knew we wanted to sit and eat and talk to each other, but we both had feelings we didn't want to assess first. We were both trying to figure out why this attraction had suddenly started to interfere with everything.

"I shouldn't stay." Spock replied, not looking at me, and he headed out my door.

"Yeah…I know." I said to myself, sitting down at the table and eating some ice cream while I stared at the flower.