December 25, Year 34
The remainder of the preparations proceeded according to schedule, and Berg Katse informed me that the would-be Captain had agreed to wear the original uniform that had been designed for him. The attack was launched on December 24, as planned, while I awaited word of our victory. At long last, Katse arrived to deliver a report on the success of our mission.
X: Tell me, Katse! I am eager to hear the results of our attack!
Katse: Yes, Sosai. I regret to tell you that…
X: [Groans] You failed again, didn't you?
Katse: Yes, Sosai.
X: I don't know why I put up with you! I molded you into the perfect humanoid, nurtured you, trusted you! And yet, you only bring me disappointment after disappointment!
Katse: I apologize Sire. Please, let me make it up to you!
X: You can only make it up to me by succeeding! You had every chance on this, Katse! Why could you not accomplish our objective?
Katse: It was the Science Ninja Team, Sosai.
X: The Science Ninja Team? I am sick of hearing about the Science Ninja Team! I think they're just an excuse for your pathetic efforts.
Katse: They're not! Well, I mean, they are the excuse…. this time. They destroyed our mecha.
X: And how were they able to destroy our mecha?
Katse: [Mumbles]
X: Speak up! I can't hear you!
Katse: They used our own weapons against us.
X: What? How could they do such a thing? Did you let them get in control of the ship?
Katse: No, they didn't even board the ship.
X: Then what did they do?
Katse: They found one of the exploding presents before midnight. I gather they were able to hack into the homing signal and reprogram it, installing a virus. And… I don't quite understand how this occurred… they were able to send the same virus to all of the other presents.
X: And what happened then?
Katse: At midnight, the presents returned back to the mother ship…
X: [Sighs] Yes, I can imagine what happened next. Why didn't the Captain attempt to evade the presents?
Katse: He tried, Sosai. But the ship was in the upright orientation, and when he attempted to turn too quickly, its orientation became unstable and it crashed into the ground.
X: I see.
Katse: It was then that the presents hit.
X: I see.
Katse: The good news is that when the mecha fell, it landed on an Amerisian football field. The field was utterly destroyed. Until it is rebuilt, the Amerisians will lack this form of entertainment, courtesy of Galactor!
X: And this is the only good to come out of our efforts?
Katse: Your wish was accomplished.
X: My wish was to have Galactor conquer the planet!
Katse: Not that wish, Sosai. The Captain. You said that he should not live one minute longer than the conclusion of the attack. And he did not.
X: You really are trying desperately to pull something positive from this, aren't you, Katse?
Katse: I gave it my best shot.
X: [Screams] No you didn't!
Katse: But Sosai…!
X: You are an utter, absolute failure! If you had listened to me and oriented the mecha as I suggested, it would have been able to turn! And if you had programmed the present homing system more carefully, the Science Ninja Team would not have been able to hack into it before midnight! And if you had been on that mecha as Captain, you would have been able to deal with the situation yourself when problems arose!
Katse: [Mumbles] Actually, I was on the mecha…
X: You were?
Katse: When I saw the presents coming, I ran to the escape pod.
X: Of course you did. The one talent you have always possessed is knowing when to run.
Katse: Yes, that's true.
X: Except this time.
Katse: What?
X: You have disappointed me for the last time, Katse! Feel the power of my wrath!
Katse: Sosai! [Screams in agony] No! Arrrrgggghhhh!
X: You shall never disappoint me again, you useless piece of filth!
Katse: But Sosai… auugh! There isn't any other…
X: Yes, and why not? Because there were two of you, and you merged yourselves into one! That's your fault as well!
Katse: [Gurgles]
X: But you're right. Fine.
Katse: [Gasps] Thank you, Sosai, glorious leader of…
X: Spare me the pleasantries. If I had any other choice in the matter I would get rid of you immediately. But the other that I am preparing to take your place will not be mature for another fifteen Earth rotations.
Katse: You're replacing me?
X: Tell me why you shouldn't be replaced.
Katse: I will show you, Sosai! You can count on me!
X: Right.
Katse: There's another Earth holiday coming up, in less than a week! It is when the old year turns into the new. In New Jork there is a large ball that drops into the crowd. We could replace the ball with…
X: No more holidays!
Katse: What?
X: No more holidays! I want something new and original, Katse! I want your ideas tested and vetted before you bring them to me! I swear, if there is one more failure…
Katse: You'll replace me?
X: [Snarls] Just go.
Katse: Yes, Sosai.
