As I find my way back to you
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners.
Chapter 7: Textbook awkward moment
Sam POV
I was watching them from the kitchen, and I didn't really know why. They were sat on Bobby's couch, just talking to each other. They weren't making out or all over each other, they were just talking.
I'd never known Dean to "just talk" to something he wanted to hit. But I guess what Dean and Cas have is the real deal. Wow – the real deal.
I thought I would have guessed, maybe even from really early on; that Dean was gay, I mean.
And I don't mean because it would be glaringly obvious or I have an amazing gay-dar...I just mean because we've spent our whole lives with each other. I know Dean better than anyone and can read him like a book so I'm kinda ashamed I didn't pick up on that fact. I could've helped him out, maybe even helped him through.
When I expressed this all to Bobby, though, I wasn't expecting the response I got back.
"Dean isn't gay." Bobby had simply said. Not in a denial kind of way and with no real shock and surprise, like he'd figured it out a long time ago.
"What?" I'd asked, putting my amazing linguistic skills out there for the world to admire.
"He's not gay," Bobby said again, like I was finding it hard to keep up with him. "What he and Cas have with each other ain't 'cause their both men...it's what's inside. You can tell when you're lookin' in someone's eyes and not at their bodies."
As I watched Bobby say this, too profound for an early morning and just Bobby in general, I could tell he was seeing then ghost of his dead wife, Karen, in his mind's eye. It was sad.
It wasn't fair.
"So-" I began, changing the subject from something painful to something productive. There was too much pain right now.
"Have you come up with anything?" I asked Bobby.
"Just Jack squat," Bobby answered me, sounding a bit defeated. "I've tried callin' a couple'a folks and all I can come up with is...well, you ain't gonna like it, son."
Sentences like that always scared me. But then I began to wonder what Bobby thought he could suggest that wouldn't have scared me.
"Bobby, what do you think we need?"
Bobby sighed as he stared at me.
"We need a witch, Sam."
Oh.
Oh no.
"Bobby..."
"Look!" He interrupted me, sounding really vexed all of a sudden. "If it's a spell God wants gone then that's what we gotta do. Spells are witches territory last time I checked."
I sighed despite myself. "Yeah, I know, it's just...you 'no, whenever we've asked witches for help in the past...they haven't exactly been "helpful"."
"Yeah," Bobby agreed with me, "I've had my own fair share of those scheming she-devils, but this is the only thing we got."
Bobby was right, as usual. And, as usual, we had run out of options. The only way God would help us would be if he was perfectly safe, it's smart, I guess.
"How does that even work?" I voiced out loud, "how do you just get rid of a spell?"
Bobby shrugged slightly. "I doesn't make a lick of sense, but it's gotta be done somehow."
I must have been looking as grave as I felt because of what Bobby said to me next.
"Come on, kid, chin up. No one's dying..."
Yet.
"...we'll get through this, or go down swinging."
"Yeah." I said, a little sceptically.
"Hey," Bobby continued, "we've been having victories so far, we found Cas, and your brother has finally picked his ass up off the floor."
"Yeah." I said, a little better this time. Bobby was right, aside from the Leviathans, things were kinda...good. Kinda working.
"Yeah, yeah, you're right." I reinforced to myself. "I guess I better go run this witch theory past Dean, see what he makes of it. Thanks, Bobby."
I touched my surrogate father affectionately on the arm and left the kitchen and headed for the lounge, I didn't even think.
"Hey, Dean, listen, Bobby thinks..."
Cas and Dean were staring at each other seriously, their hands were in entwined. Now I think about it, Cas was talking.
They both stared at me and jumped away from me awkwardly. I felt the blush rise in my cheeks and in that moment felt like the worlds biggest idiot.
…
Dean POV
We were just talking. We weren't doing anything else, we were just talking. About everything and nothing.
I was finding it kinda strange to look at Cas, not in a bad way, but having him here, with me, and having Sam and Bobby knowing, official knowing, it all just seemed surreal.
Like if I burst my own protective bubble and stepped back into reality it was all gonna shatter in my face.
I couldn't have that, I couldn't cope with that.
Cas could cope, though. He was being amazing, I can't even imagine what it must have been like, being possessed by a Leviathan, and I can't even imagine what the Leviathans might have done to him...he was just smiling, well, you 'no, for Cas. Like nothing had happened, like things were all good again.
Things were good, that was the truth but...some things just don't go away with a band aid.
"Hey, Cas?" I asked him finally, he had his eyes closed and he was leaning into me, it was easier when he wasn't looking into my eyes.
"...what happened, in that school with the Leviathans?"
I felt him stiffen immediately and I knew I'd said the wrong thing. Maybe I'd made him angry? Or upset? Or ashamed?
But he just sighed.
"What do you mean, exactly?" He finally replied, and I couldn't believe he was going to make me say it.
"...what did they..." I tried, "what...did they do anything?"
Cas turned to face me then. That was all he did. He just stared directly at me with no expression on his face, like he just wanted to sit there and drink in the sight of me forever. It was kind of unnerving.
Cas stared at me for such a long time I didn't think he was going to answer. I barely remembered what I'd asked him in he first place, until he spoke.
"I could...see you."
What? Cas could see me? I didn't understand.
"What do you mean?" I asked him, confused. And Cas sighed again as I tried to figure out what was wrong.
But Cas carried on defiantly. "I don't understand it, but I could see you. I could watch you, all the time..." Cas broke away from me and stared at the floor. "...see you suffering."
"Cas..." I began immediately, unsure of what to say. Cas had seen...my most private moments of grief, and pain...and it was all because of him.
"I didn't understand what it meant..." he continued dejectedly, still staring at the floor. "But I quickly realised it was the most effective type of torture."
The last thing I expected to be feeling in this moment was embarrassment. Embarrassment that every time I'd cried or fallen apart, run away from Sam or Bobby to be alone, Cas had always been there. He'd seen it all, he'd seen what a wimp I was.
Suddenly I felt the need to justify myself, but I didn't think I could.
"Every since I was a kid," I found myself explaining to him, causing Cas to turn back to me. "-I always had to be a kind of Dad to Sammy..." as I said this, I saw memories of what I was telling Cas float in my peripheral vision. Back then, things were so much easier but so much harder.
"Well," I actually found myself admitting to another living creature for the first time. "I guess I had to be a kind of Mom. And I go around saving people...I always thought I was so strong. I could take on anything. But without you...I became this, this weak, vulnerable thing!" I sighed heavily, defeated. "I was pathetic."
Suddenly, I felt pressure on my hand and I felt Cas slid his fingers into mine, I stared at our entwined hands for a long moment before Cas spoke.
"you're not pathetic, Dean." He told me in all seriousness, "everything you are saying is not true, you are the strongest person I know."
A small part of me was saying that Cas was making all this up to make me feel better, but the larger part of me didn't believe what I was thinking at all.
"Dean," Cas continued, staring directly into my eyes, keeping me there. "I promise you..."
"Hey, Dean, listen, Bobby thinks..."
And that's when Cas and I turned immediately to see Sam walk into the room and stop right in front of us, the large red blush on his cheeks said it all.
On instinct more than anything else, I dropped Cas's hand and we broke apart from each other awkwardly. Sam just stood there, staring at us and blushing, and I didn't get to hear what Cas was gonna promise me.
"Sam." I tried to greet him as formerly as possible for some stupid reason.
"Dean," he said back, without thinking. He'd obviously tagged on that he'd interrupted something personal. "Cas..." he continued, sitting down opposite us, pretending like nothing had happened.
"Err...yeah, I was err, speaking to Bobby and he thinks it would be best to contact some kind of witch, see if they can do anything about that spell God was talking about."
Now things were serious again, it was time to worry again.
"And how are we gonna do that?" I countered, "we don't even know what spell it is."
"Well, actually-" began Sam, "-I've done a little digging, and it turns out, there is some old lore about ancient spells that can supposedly bind God, people just never believed them."
Before I could reply to Sam, Cas interrupted me. "The one weakness of the Leviathan race is their arrogance, they believe that they can say or do anything in front of any of their prisoners because they would never get away, like me."
"Cas...?" Began Sam slowly, "what are you saying?"
Cas looked between me and Sam as he continued and I listened intently.
"The Leviathans often spoke a witch they were trying to recruit. Her name is Desoria. This often worried me, as her reputation proceeds her."
Sam and I gave each other the same look.
"Well, I've never heard of her." I told Cas.
"No, me neither." Sam said.
"She is said to be the most powerful witch of this time," Cas explained, sounding rueful. I momentarily wanted to ask him why but I let it go; bigger fish.
"Wow," said Sam after a long silence, not sounding happy. "If the Leviathans have a powerful witch on their side, that's not good."
"We'll have to find her." I said finally, "kill her if we have to. But we need God's help to kill the Leviathans, or get them back into purgatory at least."
"Again, I apologise for the crassness of my father." Cas said, and my tolerance for Cas's unnecessary apologise broke.
"Will you quit saying sorry?" I told Cas, "whatever God decided to do, it's not your fault. Okay?"
"He's right, Cas." Sam agreed, smiling shallowly in Cas's direction. "You can't control your father. But how are we gonna find this witch?"
"We could ask Bobby," I said, thinking of nothing better. "Maybe he could call someone who knows where we might find her? Maybe one of Dad's old contacts might have some info?"
Sam was looking at me like that wasn't a bad idea, or at least not a bad place to start.
"I should be able to locate her efficiently," Cas piped up, "but she may have found a way to hide herself from the heavens."
"She sounds powerful," Sam said, "if we could get her on side we might actually stand a chance against the Leviathans, we might not even need God!"
I couldn't help but snort at this, earning their stares. "You're sounding strangely optimistic about this, aren't you?" I directed at Sam.
"Oh, come on-" Cas said, a small trace of a smile on his lips. "We kicked Leviathan ass once, we can do it again."
And that, that right there, was why I loved him.
