A/N: Thanks for the reviews and alerts or as we're calling them now, followings. One more chapter after this one.
I Need You
Chapter 7
The next several days were taken up with Tali going home from the hospital and Ziva getting reacquainted with her and their routines. It felt like she had been gone much longer than a month. Jethro and his team had been working a case since Ziva came home so they had not seen much of each other. In fact they had yet to sleep in the same bed and it was now five days since Ziva had gotten back.
Jethro had been coming home very late if at all and when he did sleep at home it was on the couch in the living room or in the basement. Ziva was desperate to talk to him not to mention touch him and kiss him and so many other things. They had very little conversation and even less physical contact. She knew they were nearing a breaking point and decided Saturday would be their day alone no matter what. If she had to call the Secretary of the Navy to make it happen she would. To that end she called Abby and asked her if she could take Tali for the day and overnight. Abby was thrilled and Tali was as well.
When Jethro came home late Friday night he was exhausted physically and emotionally. The past week had been very difficult for him not only because of the gruesome nature of the case they had been working but because he hated the atmosphere that was surrounding him at home. He knew Ziva was giving him space and he appreciated it but he also wondered if her staying out of his way was just more of her avoiding him. He wanted to reach out to her so badly he could hardly stand it but he was also still very wary and very hurt by her actions the last few months. Something had to change though and this weekend was when it had to happen. He wondered on the way home Friday how they could get some time alone to sort themselves out.
When he walked in the house it was late and there were few lights still on. As he made his way toward the kitchen he heard the sound of little feet running down the hall upstairs. He detoured to the stairs and found Tali heading down the steps wearing nothing but her panties. Her hair was still wet and she smelled like her mom's apple soap. As she reached the bottom step Jethro swept her up and kissed her on the tummy.
"Hi daddy. I'm glad you came home."
"Me too. You smell good. Have you had a fun day today with mommy?"
"Yes, we went to the park and made cookies. And tomorrow I get to go the whole day with Abby."
About that time Ziva appeared at the top of the stairs with a towel and comb in her hand. Jethro looked at her and raised an eyebrow in question.
"You do huh? That sounds like fun."
"I thought we could use some time alone. I hope you do not mind."
"Not at all. I think it's a very good idea." He put Tali down and said, "You better go get your hair combed out. Maybe daddy could read you a story tonight."
"Yay, I want you to. Two stories. Pleeeease."
"Okay two stories. Now get up there and let your mom fix your hair. I'll be up in a little while."
Jethro went into the kitchen and got a beer out of the refrigerator. He hadn't expected to be home this early and he wasn't sure what he wanted to do now. There was such an ache and an emptiness in him these days and he didn't know how to make it go away. He thought back to how much he had wanted Ziva to come home and yet now that she was here he couldn't even talk to her. He longed for her like he had Shannon when he was overseas but Ziva was just up a flight of stairs; not thousands of miles away. Why couldn't he just forget the past few months and take her in his arms and love her the way he wanted to? Because he had promised himself he wouldn't let another woman hurt him the way Jenny had. He wouldn't let another woman love him and then walk away. He was afraid to ask Ziva what was wrong because he thought she was going to tell him she had made a mistake and she didn't want to be with him anymore. Even though she had told him when she came back that she loved him he was almost certain she wasn't staying. He couldn't bear the thought of losing Tali. The longer he put off the asking the longer he put off finding out his life was about to fall apart. It seemed though that tomorrow would be the day.
Almost twenty minutes later Jethro went upstairs and found Tali searching through her storybooks to find the two she wanted him to read. Ziva was in the bathroom cleaning up after Tali's bath.
"You ready princess?"
"Yes daddy."
Tali handed him two well worn books and climbed up on her bed. It was a four poster canopy bed and she loved it. All her stuffed animals were spread out so there was hardly room for her on the bed but that seemed to be the way she liked it. Jethro settled on the edge of the bed but Tali wanted to sit on his lap so he kicked off his shoes and sat with his back against the headboard. With his sweet daughter in his lap Jethro began the Velveteen Rabbit which was Tali's favorite story. By the time he was finished she was almost asleep but she insisted on a second story "because you promised".
Jethro read the Saggy Baggy Elephant and by the time that was over Tali was sound asleep. He put the books aside, turned off the light and snuggled down on the bed with her. Soon they were both asleep and that is where Ziva found them an hour later. They looked so sweet together and Jethro was so sound asleep she didn't have the heart to wake him. Instead she pulled the cover over them and silently closed the door. She went to her own room and fell asleep wondering if she would be able to get her husband back to their bed or if he had decided he was ready to let their marriage go. She didn't want to believe that was possible but Jethro had barely spoken to her since she got home and had certainly not touched her in any loving way. She was so confused and frightened she felt sick to her stomach. Somehow tomorrow she had to make him listen to her and forgive her and let her love him again.
Much to his surprise Jethro woke up alone in Tali's bed on Saturday morning. Judging by the light coming in the window it was at least eight o'clock. He couldn't remember the last time he has slept that late. Stretching and yawning he stood up and started for the bathroom. Obviously Ziva and Tali were already up and downstairs; he smelled coffee and bacon. His stomach rumbled at the aroma of food and he realized he also couldn't remember the last time he ate a decent meal. He decided on a quick shower before going downstairs.
Ten minutes later, clean and wearing sweats and a tee shirt Jethro stepped into the kitchen to find his girls fixing pancakes. His girls. He hadn't thought of Ziva in that context in months. The sight made him smile and just that easily he knew that somehow, now matter what it took, after today he was going to have his family back.
Tali turned around and saw her daddy standing in the doorway.
"We having pancakes daddy."
"I see that. Sure smells good in here. Are you helping mommy?"
"Yes, I broke the eggs."
Jethro walked to the cabinet and got a mug and poured himself some coffee. Then, because it was what he had always done and what he had missed so much, he leaned over and kissed his wife on the cheek.
"Good morning."
The smile on her face was worth whatever risk he felt he was taking.
"Good morning to you. You slept very well in that princess bed."
"I did but I don't plan to make a habit of it." He looked her right in the eyes trying to convey the message he wanted her to get; sleeping apart was about over.
"I am very happy to hear that. Now, sit down you two and let's have breakfast before Abby arrives."
For the first time in too long the little family shared a meal together that included lots of laughter and good feelings. By the time they were through Tali had syrup pretty much all over her face and everyone had had too many pancakes but they were all happy and talking to each other. A definite change for the better.
Abby arrived shortly after ten o'clock and Tali eagerly gathered her backpack and coat and was ready to go in minutes. While Ziva was helping her get her things together Abby spoke to Jethro in the kitchen.
"You okay Gibbs?"
"Yeah, Abs, everything will be okay."
"You haven't been okay for a while now. I hope today will help that. You know I love you both but you're my favorite. Whatever you need, Gibbs you just let me know. You two are meant to be together so don't give up. Fight for her if you have to."
"I will Abs. Thanks. And thank you for taking Tali. It will be a big help for us to have today alone. It's exactly what we need."
Tali ran into the kitchen and announced, "I'm ready Abby."
"Alright then let's get going. We have to go get Tim and then we're going to the zoo."
"Yeah!"
Ziva kissed Tali goodbye and thanked Abby for taking her.
"We appreciate you doing this for us Abby. One of us will pick her up tomorrow. What time will be good for you?"
"Why don't I call you. Late morning probably. Okay?"
"Yes, perfect. Be a good girl, sweetie. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bye mommy."
Tali ran out to the car where her daddy was putting her carseat in place. Jethro got her buckled in, kissed her and told her to have fun.
"You have fun too daddy."
Abby heard that and chuckled, "Yeah, you have fun daddy."
"I will. I hope. You two behave yourselves and we'll see you tomorrow."
Jethro stood in the driveway and watched them until the car was out of sight. He knew Tali was in good hands with Abby and Tim but still he always worried when his little girl was away from him. He could feel Ziva watching him from the porch. He turned around and they stood looking at each other across the driveway for a long moment. Each of them wondering what the day was going to bring. Heartbreak? Renewal? Second Chances? Maybe some of each. Time to get started, Jethro thought as he walked toward the front porch and his wife.
When Jethro started for the house, Ziva went inside to the kitchen and started a fresh pot of coffee. Jethro walked in and found her putting dishes away.
"Ziver."
Ziva turned around, leaned against the counter, her hands on the counter behind her. They just looked at each other searching for a beginning.
"Here we are, all alone. Tell me what to do, Zi."
"Would you just hold me, Jethro? Just for a little while."
"Of course."
Jethro opened his arms and stepped towards her. Ziva pushed away from the counter and went quickly into his embrace. She wrapped her arms around him and held on tight. Jethro stroked one hand down her back and then just held onto her. They stood in the middle of their kitchen not moving, just holding each other trying to regain some of their old magic. After a while Jethro noticed his shirt getting wet and realized Ziva was crying. There was one thing he could not bear and that was Ziva crying. He loosend his grip just a little bit and with his hands on her shoulders he pushed her away just enough to be able to see her face. He gently wiped her tears away with his thumbs.
"Please don't cry Zi. You know I can't stand it when you cry."
His voice was soft and held all the love she remembered, so of course she just cried more. Jethro pulled her back to his chest and hugged her some more. Finally Ziva was able to get her self under control and this time she was the one who stepped back. She wiped her eyes with the heels of her hands and tried to smile at her husband.
"Sorry. I know you hate it. I did not mean to cry but having you hold me just felt so good. I have missed you so much Jethro I cannot begin to tell you how much."
"Zi we have to talk. There are things I need to know and things I want you to know. Let's go sit down and figure this out."
Jethro poured himself a large mug of coffee and Ziva grabbed a bottle of water and the two headed to the living room. Jethro settled on the couch and Ziva perched on the edge of a chair across from him. She was too wound up to sit still for long so she wanted to be where she could get up and pace around. Jethro took a long drink of his coffee, set the mug on the table and took a deep breath.
"Do you want to start or shall I?"
"I will start if you do not mind."
"I don't mind. Ladies first and all that."
"This may take a while and I do not know if it will all make sense. A lot of what I want to say is very jumbled in my mind. I will tell you all about the mission but I would like to save that for the end. The first thing is not jumbled and not hard or confusing. That is, I love you with everything I am. I cannot say really how much I love you and cherish our life together."
Ziva got up and began pacing back and forth the length of the room. Jethro watched her and sat patiently waiting. He knew she needed to organize her thoughts and he was familiar with her method of getting everything just so in her mind before she spoke.
"I will begin some months ago when things started feeling not right for me. I had taken Tali to the park one day when I left work early. It was such a beautiful day I told Helen she could have the afternoon off and I took Tali to that really nice park we like to go to. She was off playing on the climbing thing and I was sitting on a bench alone just enjoying watching her. There were some other mothers there and I could hear them talking. They were talking about ballet lessons and piano lessons and what pre-school they were going to send their children to. They were all dressed in very nice clothes and had their hair and nails done and they were just so perfect. You know what I mean?"
Jethro nodded. He knew exactly what she was talking about; well-to-do mothers who didn't need to work and whose lives revolved around their children. "Yeah, I know what you mean."
"Well for some reason I sat there listening and watching those women and I began to feel very inadequate as a parent. Maybe not inadequate but certainly not their caliber. Then they started talking about themselves and their club meetings and their college days and all the "important" things they were doing. So, I started thinking about what I would tell Tali about myself as she grew up. Would I tell her how many bombs I had diffused or how many people I had killed? Would I tell her about growing up in Mossad not as woman but as a warrior? Finally thank god, Tali came over and was ready to go home. I had never been so glad to leave a place."
Ziva paused to take a drink of water. She had not looked at Jethro at all, instead she had been staring out the front window. Now she looked at him but his expression told her nothing.
"Go on Zi."
"This is where it gets all jumbled. I somehow began to think I was not worthy of you and Tali. That I was not going to be the kind of mother she deserved or needed. And not the kind of wife you deserved. When I say it now, standing here in our house, looking at you, it sounds crazy but for some reason, at that time it made perfect sense to me. You were closing the Simpson case and everyone was so proud of you and the team and I felt left out. After that you were gone for two weeks on the Tyler case and I spent too much time brooding and feeling sorry for myself Then, after you came home you and I were at odds about something, I cannot even remember what it was now, and all that just came together and I could not handle it. I know I started pulling away from you without even meaning to do it. Somehow in my mind I thought you did not really need me and would someday realize that and we would not survive."
Jethro began to feel very guilty. Where had he been when all this was happening to his wife? The woman he loved with all his heart and who he thought he knew inside and out. Why hadn't he been able to help her? Maybe his thoughts showed on his face or more likely, Ziva could still read him like a book.
"This not your fault Jethro. There was no way you could have known what I was thinking. I was not talking to you and I would not have told you anyway even if you had tried to help."
"Why not?"
"Because I was confused and angry at myself and then I was angry with you. Do you remember after the Larson case when you got drunk and passed out in the basement?"
"Yes. I was pissed we hadn't caught the guy in time to save that little boy."
"Yes and that night when I came down to the basement and found you and tried to wake you up to go upstairs. Remember?"
"Yeah, I was totally out of it."
"When I got you awake enough to stand up, you said, 'I'm sorry, Jen'. I don't think you knew what you said but along with everything I was feeling those days that was very difficult for me to hear."
Jethro was stunned. He had absolutely no memory of having said that. He had been so drunk and so emotionally drained by the case that he was barely able to walk up the stairs that night.
"My god, Ziva I am so sorry. I have no idea where that came from. You know I don't still think about Jen. I love you and only you. You have to know that."
"I do but that night it hurt me. The next day my father called and said he needed me in Israel in two weeks and I felt almost relieved to go."
"Have you been thinking about that night all this time Ziver?"
"Not really. I knew before I left that you had not even known what you were saying. But I admit, it still bothers me sometimes. I should have told you about it the next day and we could have talked it all out but as I said, my father called and said he needed me and I was all too happy to go. But Jethro, you need to know that was not the first time you have called me Jen."
"What? What are you talking about?"
Jethro was up off the couch and crowding into her personal space. It was obvious he was completely unaware of what he had done. Still, Ziva saw not only surprise but anger on his face.
"I am talking about the handful of times you have called me Jen in the past three years. Jethro, you do not know what you are saying, I understand that in my mind but you must understand that it can still hurt my heart when you call out to another woman whom I know you loved instead of calling my name."
"Why haven't you told me about this before?"
"Because I know you are not doing it intentionally. And because I know you did the same thing to Jenny."
"What the hell do you mean?"
He was very close to yelling at her and Ziva took a step away from him.
"Jethro there is no reason to be angry with me."
"I'm sorry. But what are you talking about?"
"Jenny told me how you would call out for Shannon in your sleep when you two were together in Paris and even after that sometimes. At the time she did not know who Shannon was of course. Later she understood. Just as I understand now. You loved Jenny very much for a long time and you still miss her. I know that even if you do not. And, more importantly, I accept it and I am not threatened by it. Not when I am thinking clearly anyway."
Jethro turned away from her and scrubbed his hands over his face and through his hair. When he turned back to face her Ziva saw tears in his eyes. He managed to contain them but they were there.
"I am so sorry, Ziver. I would never hurt you like that if I could help it. I do miss Jenny sometimes but not in any romantic way. After all the things she did toward the end I knew what we had once was gone. She betrayed me when she killed Benoit using my clip and she stopped trusting me long before that. I have no idea why I would call out her name but it is certainly not on purpose."
"I know that Jethro. That is why I never told you before now. What happened with Jenny the last year of her life cannot wipe out the love you shared. You never got to say the things you needed to say to her and that is probably why you still think of her at least in your subconscious. Believe me I do not care except for the fact that it means you are hurting. I know you love me. I trust you Jethro, believe me when I say that."
"Then why didn't you come to me when all this stuff was going on with you? We have always been able to talk things out. I don't understand why this was different."
"Honestly, I do not know. I wanted to but I was so confused and so down on myself that I just was not thinking clearly. Once my father called and I had a way to be gone for a while I took it."
"I can't say that helps me much, Ziver. Tell me about what your father wanted."
"There was an attempt on his life the week before he called me. It was never publicized of course but he was very nearly killed. They had very good intelligence on who made the attempt; people we had been looking for for years, even before I came to NCIS. He said he was sending Michael after them and wanted to know if I could get away to go with him. I said yes."
"Without even talking to me about it? You could have been killed and I wouldn't have had any idea what was going on! How could you do that to me? To Tali?"
Jethro was furious. He had thought it would be something like this but hearing it from his wife raised his anger to new level. He was so angry in fact that he walked out of the room leaving Ziva standing in the middle of the room.
TBC
