Chapter Seven: Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Speedy
Bumblebee shoved me into my room and practically killed the panel of buttons when she punched it to make the door close. "Speedy," she started, quieting herself. "Look. I… I know."
I froze and almost dropped my bow as the arrow clattered to the floor next to me. "Ex… excuse me?"
She rubbed her temples. "Last night, Speedy. At the hospital."
"What about…?"
"I doubled back to tell you something about the vending machines outside. And when I got to Aqualad's room, I saw you-"
Right then, I knew. Holding up my free hand to stop her from continuing, I whispered, "Bee. Don't."
She stepped closer. "Speedy, I…" Silence overcame her as she thought in earnest. "I just want to know if you were really going to…"
I knew she didn't want to say it. "Yes," I murmured, turning away from her. "If I hadn't thought I had heard something—you, presumably—I would've kissed him."
No sound came from behind me; I looked over my shoulder and saw her standing absolutely still, a mix of sympathy and disgust in her expression. "I knew it," she said almost sadly. "And if it's true that you… like him, then why did you just threaten to shoot him?"
"I had to, Bee," I reasoned, whirling on her. "I have to push him away! I have to hate him! He can't ever know! Imagine if he found out; he would never speak to me again!"
"But why do you have to keep your distance?"
"You wouldn't understand," I sighed. "When I'm around him… I go crazy. I can't relax. I have to control myself from doing or saying something that would give away the fact that I like him!"
"Or else…?" she wondered.
"Or else… I might do something stupid like the hospital thing again! You don't get it, Bee! I might hurt him!"
She began to look a bit scared. "Calm down, Speedy. You wouldn't-"
"Yes, I would!" I cried, throwing my hands emphatically. "When a guy likes a girl, he might rape her or something because he loves her and he wants her to love him, too! It's just the same! I'm…" I stopped to catch my breath, already beginning to feel frustrated tears boiling in my eyes. "I'm afraid that I can't protect him from myself!"
She bowed her head with closed eyes. "I don't know what to say…" she muttered with a sarcastic laugh. "I don't think I can even help… I guess you should just relax and try your best not to get near Aqualad."
"Don't you think I'm trying to stay away?" I moaned, swaying hopelessly. Her hand on my arm steadied me.
"Does anyone else know?"
"Raven. She figured it out herself; I didn't—couldn't—tell her."
"Good," Bee said approvingly.
"Good? What's good?"
She winked and started back into the hallway. "Imagine if… Beast Boy knew."
I smiled, shaking my head. "Yeah, that would be seriously problematic. I'm going to hang in here for a while. See you later."
She nodded and disappeared down the hall as the door slid shut again.
Wondering if Raven and Bee were going to talk about me in private, I smirked and headed towards my dresser. I took off my t-shirt and turned so that the mirror reflected my back. I ran three fingers over the back of my shoulder, admiring Raven's handiwork. The skin looked normal. There wasn't any injury left on it, nor was it different from the surrounding skin. I smiled again, collapsing onto my bed.
"Maybe I just need to… relax..." I closed my eyes, about to drift into sleep when--
"Speedy? I saw Bumblebee leave—is everything okay?"
Oh, god. It's him. The very person that I didn't need to see.
"Are you there?" His knuckles tapped the door once, twice, three times before he said my name again. "Speedy?" Without warning, I heard the door slide open and muffled footsteps on the carpeting. A loud snap heightened my senses; I remembered the fallen arrow that now lay in two pieces. "You asleep?"
I cracked one eye open in reply, but then closed it again as my heart leapt into motion at the sight of him, three paces away.
"Sorry 'bout the arrow," he said, closer. Then, something blocked the light. My eyes shot open to see him leaning over me slightly, an unusually worried tenseness displayed across his features. "You're… tired?"
I sat up instantly. "Whoa," I mumbled under my breath, pushing myself away from him quickly.
He straightened himself, hanging his thumb from his jeans pocket. "You're… awfully edgy." He took a step back as he rolled his eyes. "And I don't want to get shot. So…" He raised a brow. "What did Bee say?"
"Nothing of importance," I stammered, just becoming conscious of the fact that I hadn't replaced my shirt. "She just told me off. Why?"
"Why?" he repeated. "Why? Why? Because, Speedy, ten minutes ago, you had an arrow against my forehead! Do you think I don't want to know why?" He stopped for a moment to think, but soon continued. "While we're on the subject… why are you suddenly so nervous? Why do you always seem to be in secret conversations? Why do I have the feeling that what Bee said was important or that is has to do with what Raven was talking about? And why do you keep looking at me like you're scared?"
I didn't know how to answer. I'm not nervous or scared! could be one response. Another; I'm freaking out because, well, I'm in love with you. But I had the sneaking suspicion that he wouldn't like either of those answers… so silence reigned, although I did stand to meet his gaze.
"Well?" he demanded.
"You want to know why I'm so… off today?" I asked, my voice steady but low with strain. I took a step closer to him and he took a step back. Another for me, another for him. In only about thirty seconds, he was in the hallway and I just inside the threshold of my room.
"Yeah, if you didn't catch it the first time," he retorted. His eyes glittered, impatient to know my secrets, although there was a hint of hesitation in them.
"Well," I whispered as I began trembling noticeably. The thought of actually telling him how I felt raced through my mind; seriously meant this time. I imagined the scenario; I would lean into him, a bewildered look would cross his face, but as soon as I touched him he'd—
He'd what? Kiss me back? I disgusted myself by just thinking that.
"Well?" A pause, and then, "Speedy, you're… shaking." He rested a hand on my shoulder and pushed me slightly back, forcing me to stand straighter. "What happened?"
Another pause. I was too busy contemplating the outcomes of different actions I could take right then. I wasn't oblivious—oh, no. Rather, his hand on my bare skin heightened my senses.
"Speedy?"
Maybe I could kiss him and then commit suicide…? At least I'd die happily…
"Is there anything I can do to help, at least?"
That snapped me back to reality. Finally focusing on him, I slapped his hand away. "Help?" I breathed. Maybe… maybe the best medicine would be to— "Stay away," I told him. "Don't talk to me, don't purposely get within three feet of me, don't—"
"Sure," I heard him say. My eyes shot up to meet his; he continued, beginning his walk down to the main room. "I'll stay away. I don't know why, but I can deal with that. See you later… but I guess I won't."
Partially stunned, I closed my door, drawing back from it and then falling backwards into my bed. Great, Speedy, I told myself. You just pushed him away… again.
It was for the best, the other half of me argued. Now, you don't have to feel so stressed!
I had never been more wrong in my life, as I would very soon find out.
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This entire chapter is, in so many ways, a metaphor of something… I wanted to name it Metaphoric Angst, but that title wouldn't have anything to do with the actual content, so… ah, well.
