Chapter 7 Snape's Secret

It was well past midnight when they apparated. Harry was calm. He had released Hedwig back into the night after tying the scrap of paper back on her leg. Snape was unaware of her presence.

They were now very close to Hogwarts and Snape was sitting on a rock. They had discussed the plan and Harry was watching him.

"What's wrong? Harry asked very quietly. "Why aren't we moving?" the lights from the castle were dim against the mist that surrounded the school.

"Something is wrong," Snape replied. His voice as also soft. "I sense...possibly... His presence...and others."

Harry bent down and held himself erect on one knee next to the man. He touched Snape's arm. "Is the dark lord at Hogwarts?" He reached with his mind and senses to see if he could feel any presence. The Dark Lord's mark was not in the sky above the castle.

Snape didn't move or turn to him but nodded. "Yes, I think he is there."

Harry thought about the situation and leaned over to whisper. "I am going to try something."

Snape turned to him with curious eyes. Before he could speak Harry closed his own and reached out. Like groping in a dark room he reached for the others' mind with mental fingers. He had not practiced Legilimency, but knew that he should be able to reach into Voldemort's mind. Dumbledore had told him that it was possible that he and Voldemort had a mental link; one that the wizard would not use again since his attempt in the Ministry.

And then it happened; Harry fell back on the grass clasping his head. His scar was a nightmare of pain. It felt like his brain and skull were on fire. Not only was he experiencing pain, he was experiencing a rage that he had never known before.

His eyes were viewing a scene that was familiar. It was Dumbledore's office. He looked out from eyes that were not his own and saw the dead body of Peter Pettigrew on the floor. The snake, Nagini was circling the room testing the air with her forked tongue and the body he currently occupied was pacing. People were rushing into the room while he heard his own voice screaming in rage. Bellatrix Lestrange cringed as she stepped into the room.

"Remove this putrescence at once!" Voldemort shouted and pointed at thee corpse on the floor, and Harry's lips moved as he lay on the carpet of moss in the forest. "Find Malfoy and bring him to me!"

Harry was pushed to the background and was an observer to the actions of the people in the room. He felt awash in a darkness of spirit so deep that he was drowning.

A cool mind entered his and wrapped itself around his thoughts. He was pulled back and away from the red rage and a peacefulness settled over him. The pain was gone.

When Harry opened his eyes he was staring into Snape's. Snape was leaning over him and shaking him by the robes. Harry gasped, "He's there. Pettigrew is dead. Bellatrix Lestrange was there... the snake...there."

"That was a foolish thing to do, Potter," Snape grunted as if he was also under some stress. Harry heard a tinge of admiration. "We will need that very special talent of yours and you could have wasted it. You were lucky he didn't know you were there," he growled. The voice changed and Harry wondered if he been deluding himself in hearing anything but contempt.

"Are we going after Dumbledore?" Harry asked, slightly groggy and nauseated. He spoke to avoid saying anything about Snape having rescued him from the attempt at possessing Voldemort's mind.

Snape shook his head and hissed, "The woods are full of dangerous creatures and he will have the grounds guarded."

"What about Hagrid, the teachers?' Harry asked sitting up. "There are teachers that live at the castle through the summer months. What about them?"

Snape sighed and sat back. His voice was soft when he spoke, "We are all pawns in a game of chess, Potter. Some pieces more useful then others. We cannot help them."

"Is that what I am to you, a pawn?" he asked. "Would you give me up when I'm no longer useful to you?"

"If it becomes necessary Potter!" Snape snarled this time and left him, walking into the dark.

Harry sat and stared at the ephemeral outline of the castle and listened to the sounds of the night. He felt defeated and depressed. Harry knew that he had not gone far, the man had just saved his life and possibly his sanity.

Harry sat and thought about the few days since he had left Hogwarts. It had all gone bad. It had been less than a week that he sat and watched Dumbledore's body entombed. Now he was wondering what kind of journey he was on. He wondered about the man he was with and if he could trust him.

He sat looking into the night and memories flooded back; memories of Hermione and Ron as they laughed and talked. Pictures of friends floated before his eyes; Cho, Fred and George, Luna, Neville, Dean, Oliver, Ginny and even Dumbledore. He remembered flying his broom and playing Quidditch and the feeling he'd had when Hagrid had shown up for the first time and told him he was a wizard. He remembered standing by Sirius looking once again at the castle, wanting with all of his heart to have a home with him. He searched with his mind and his heart for something that would give him strength.

"Tall trees turn and face the wind. They sink their roots deep into the soil and they survive even the worst storms," a voice intoned in the dark. "You have to find something that will make it worth going on. You may never know all the answers to the questions you have about why you have continued and others have not."

Harry heard Snape's voice and the words. An hour had passed and he was cold. He turned his head and saw the dark figure in the night shadows. He was leaning against a tree, his arms folded. Harry felt himself shiver, the man was uncanny. He had not heard him approach. Harry spoke again, this time hearing bitterness in his own voice. "Why did you survive? Because you gave others up? Saved your own skin. I'll never forgive you, no matter what Dumbledore said. You betrayed my parents and they died because of it. You called my mother a mudblood," Harry knew Snape was listening, "and yet you are not pureblood yourself." He stood and faced him. "Do you know that I used to hear her screaming; just before she died. I heard her screaming. That's the only memory I have of my mother. You did that."

"What you saw in the Pensieve was a moment taken out of time. I was not older than you are now. I overheard the prophecy...a part of it. I told him what I had overheard and I am responsible for that." Snape moved through the dark approaching very slowly. "I have never denied it."

Harry desperately wanted to see his face. "When we were running from the castle...that night. You didn't fight back. I wanted you to fight me..." Harry tasted bitterness in his mouth. He remembered the night in minute detail.

"So that I could kill you?" Snape's deep voice resonated around him. "Because that would have been the result. You are untrained, and not ready to fight a war. Are you ready to see it? People who you care about dying at your feet; the suffering, the horror, coming to the end of your time too soon or watching others do it? You were overwhelmed with emotion. You wanted to revenge Dumbledore's death and you believed what you saw with your eyes instead of using your mind. That, and acting on such emotion, will get you killed."

"If I remember correctly, Professor," Harry said it with as much sarcasm as he could muster, "I saw some emotion in your face as well...when I called you a cowa..."

"That's enough!" Snape snapped and stepped into the pale moonlight. He stood before him like a slab of black granite. "You know nothing!"

The acid in the voice froze Harry's blood and sent goose flesh up his arms. He stepped away and found his wand with his hand in the dark.. "What do you want me for? I help you release Dumbledore and then you kill me anyway? What part do I play in helping you? I don't trust you. You have tortured me, hated me from the moment our eyes met. I was eleven years old and you went out of your way to abuse me. Now you want my help."

The forest was silent. Any creatures present skirted the area and they were left alone in utter and constant silence of a wood that ominously closed in and hung over them.

Harry couldn't see Snape's face and he murmured the words, "Why did Albus Dumbledore trust you? Tell me that and I will never question your loyalty again. I will do whatever you ask." He waited breathlessly.

"We are all changed," Snape said quietly. His head was turned towards Hogwarts. "It was much clearer back then. No one knows the price we pay..."

Harry swallowed hard. He was having difficulty deciding whether to change his mind about the man. "I know about the trials...that Dumbledore stood up for you and you weren't sent to Azkaban for being a servant to... the Dark Lord. Something must have changed their minds. He told them something."

Snape leaned down and was now very close. Once again Harry was looking up at him able to see only the faint traces of his face. He sensed that the man was struggling and he turned his head and closed his eyes so that he feel it with his mind.

"I tried to save them," Snape said so softly that Harry strained to hear him. "I learned Pettigrew was their secret keeper and I went to warn them. I owed your father my life..."

A flash of white light lit a small area just to their right. They were both on their feet and had their wands extended and ready to do battle. Harry was shocked to discover what appeared in front of him.

Remus Lupin had apparated to a spot in the clearing, holding onto the collar of Draco Malfoy. As soon as they appeared the man went to his knees very slowly and rolled to his back. Draco stood motionless staring blindly out into the night.

Harry immediately started towards the figure and Snape pulled him back. "Wait."

The night remained silent and the sliver of a quarter moon was sailing towards the horizon.

Harry pulled free from Snape's grasp and hurried over to the stricken man. Lupin's face was pale and when he touched him he as clammy but alive.

"Remus."

Lupin opened his eyes and seemed to take a moment to sort out what he was seeing . He looked at Harry and then up into Snape's face. "Don't kill him..." he grunted. He grabbed Harry by the front of his robe and pointed his wand at Snape. "Kill me but don't hurt Harry."

His grip was so weak that Harry pulled himself free, "It's ok, Remus. Snape isn't going to hurt me." He turned and looked up at Snape. "What's wrong with him? Can you help him?"

Snape shoved him aside and pushed the hand that was pointing the wand at him to the ground. He touched Lupin's neck and felt for a pulse. "He's been tortured. I would guess for some time." He grasped Lupin's chin roughly in his hand and turned his head to him. "Can you stand? We need to leave this area now?"

Lupin had not quite grasped the idea that Snape was not going to hurt him. He struggled to pull away. "No...no! Got to save them... got to stop Voldemort. He's going to KILL THEM! James? Lily?" Lupin's arms were flailing like a fighter coming up for another round.

"He's out of his mind," Harry said. "Can't you do something?"

Snape pulled Lupin to his feet and held him like a rag doll to his chest. "You will have to apparate on your own. I can only handle Lupin. I will return for Draco."

Harry turned to look at the blond headed boy standing in the same spot. "I could try..."

"No!" Snape snapped. "Apparate now! I will be behind you."

Harry heard the forest coming alive with snapping twigs and rustlings from unknown creatures. He closed his eyes, made a turn and concentrated.