WARNING: This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter song: Cry – Jason Walker
Chapter Six
~ The past is strapped to our backs. We do not have to see it; we can always feel it. ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960 ~
~O~
~Bella~
The house was magnificent.
It was huge; probably more suitable for the whole family rather than just the two of them, but still beautiful.
Hardwood floors and cream colored walls was the first thing I saw. I was surprised to say the least, I expected modern art and crazy decorating and colors. But this felt lived in and homey. It still was huge and screamed money but it was home.
"Huge huh?" Rosalie chuckled next to me.
"Huge."
It was.
"It's ancient actually, but I like it. I try to keep it as real as possible, but when you have so much time, space and money with nowhere to spend it on, you take it out on the house."
I gave her a weird look. "You don't look like the type that would spend tons of money on furniture and wallpapers—or whatever."
She gave me a small smile. "I don't want to sound like a spoiled rich girl—which I am, kinda—but trust me, I do spent hours and tons of money decorating." She turned her gaze and looked up the huge staircase that lead upstairs. "I'll show it to you later."
Emmett joined us with a smile. "You're all set." He looked at Rosalie and then me. "I'll leave you two at it then. Tour and look around, do your things. I'll be out and I'll get some lunch on my way home." He kissed Rosalie and then enveloped me in a soft hug unlike the one I was expecting from him. "Welcome home."
Home.
Was it really a home to me now?
Mine maybe not. But I could feel it.
It was a home for my baby.
~o~
Rosalie showed me around the house and I felt like I was in a museum. I was afraid to touch anything in case I broke it.
This place was fully stocked. You could lock me in there for the rest of my life and I'd still be grateful. It had a gym, a home theater, an indoor and outdoor pool—because one apparently wasn't enough.
She showed me around the house, up and down the staircase, outside and in. Everything looked beautiful. Extraordinary and like from another time. Rosalie, with Esme's help had managed to keep the house in its original condition, only adding a few details of her own. Every corner screamed money and care. She cared for this place and I could see it with my own eyes. Rosalie was grasping everything she could and kept herself busy with it.
She was either busy with the house—even the garage was so beautiful that I still couldn't believe it was all her doing-or her charity or shopping. Or anything that she could change; anything that she could make a difference at.
We were walking towards another room when she turned to me. "I have a feeling you'll like this particular room, I haven't touched it. It was how my great grand-father had it, and I couldn't bring myself to change anything." With that, she opened the door and took a step back to let me through.
It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen in my entire life.
Before I'd left my apartment with Angela, I'd visited the library to get as many books as I could. And now, I didn't even need them. Rosalie's great grand-father owned the largest collection of books I had ever seen.
I could tell the books were old because of their looks, and that particular scent in the air; the musky smell of paper. My palms twitched as I took the sight in; large, floor length bookcases covered the walls. There was a large oak desk and a leather sofa across the room, in front of a large window that looked out at the beautiful garden and large pillows on the floor.
I looked around in awe; I felt like a kid in a candy store, or better yet, my own version of Disneyland.
"Rosalie, this is… unbelievable!" Giddiness overtook me and I wanted to squeal like a little girl!
She chuckled and walked to the window, then pulled the blinds and opened them letting fresh air in. "I thought you might like it. I'll leave the window open for a bit and we'll continue on our tour and then you can come back if you want."
I said a silent goodbye and a mental wave to the library, as if I'd never see it again, and followed Rosalie.
On the second floor were a study, and a million other doors we didn't open.
Rosalie's bedroom was by far the largest; of course, though I had a feeling the other rooms weren't small by any means either. I had yet to see mine.
She led me to the end of the corridor and paused outside.
The hidden secret. Immediately it felt like I was in the movies where you stand in front of a room and you just know it's no good to get in.
"I want to show you something." She signed and took my hand.
"It's the nursery, from my first pregnancy"—she closed her eyes and a pained expression marred the features. Tears started spilling and rolling down her cheeks—"from my second pregnancy actually. When I start making it, it was unisex, but then everyday I would add something for a girl or a boy, and to be honest I still do. Every time I'm out shopping I buy something. It's weird to explain it but this is my favorite room, and I sometimes spend half the day in here just looking at the furniture and the stuffed animals, or rearranging the wardrobes and refolding the tiny clothes."
She shook her head. "You might think I'm crazy but I really can't help it either."
The door opened and she stepped in.
I had never, up until now, had thought about the nursery; maybe a crib next to my bed, or a small room full of baby stuff. But what I saw shocked me. The nursery wasn't big, no; it was small, cozy, airy and sunny, and warm from the sunlight that lit up the whole room. A crib, a small dresser, a closet and a table were at the right side of the room and on the left was a changing table, a rocking chair, a couch and a small table.
It was like a small bedroom fully stocked for a baby.
The walls were covered in light green paint, with white and colorful flowers and white plush carpet covered most of the hard hardwood. The furniture was all in white, and the only color in the room was from the sun and the stuffed animals; some big ones on the floor and some small ones everywhere around the room.
"Rosalie…" I trailed not knowing what to say. She had everything in place; she had thought of every single detail.
"There's also a crib in your room and a rocking chair as well. So the baby won't have to be alone in here from the beginning."
I turned and looked at her stunned. "What?"
Up until now I was under the impression that I wouldn't be around the baby much after the delivery.
She furrowed her eyebrows and laughed. "Bella, I'm not going to ban you from the baby." She fidgeted with her hair and then she nodded towards the couch. "Let's talk for a while, shall we?"
We sat down and she took my hand.
"There's a lot that you don't know about me yet. I blame myself for this situation—"
"Rosalie, no," I interrupted but she shook her head.
"It's true, let me finish. Please."
I nodded and kept quiet while she talked.
"Back in high school, in Washington, I was sophomore when this guy made a pass at me. Royce; he was your typical spoiled rich kid that thought money could buy everything. I didn't give in and he backed down. On my junior year, the Cullens moved to Washington and Emmett was in my class," she paused and smiled at the memory. "From the first day, I knew it; he was the one and that was it. Everything was perfect until the next year. During our junior year, Royce kept quiet, he didn't talk to me but he was around. He and Emmett were on the same basketball team so it was inevitable; he and Emmett got into a fight. It was about me; Royce made a nasty comment and Emmett snapped. But despite that, nothing else could have warned us about what was to come." She took a deep breath and exhaled. "A few months before graduation, at some house party, Emmett was late and I went alone. Everything was fine and I just got bored and left. On my way home, someone stopped me."
I gasped and shook my head. I knew the rest. I knew what she wanted to say and I didn't need to listen, but I knew she wanted to say it anyway. So I kept quiet.
"Yes, Bella. It was Royce and you can figure out the rest. I was left bleeding, and all I wanted was to die right that moment. I didn't want Emmett to find me. He would kill him, and I didn't want that. I tried to get up and leave but I couldn't. I woke up the next day in the hospital. Long story short, Emmett had found me and he took me to Carlisle. He did a rape kid and he had to physically keep Emmett from attacking Royce.
He had good lawyers and they barred the whole thing. There was nothing we could do, and frankly all I wanted was to move and leave it all behind me. That is until Carlisle told me I was pregnant."
That was when everything clicked.
Rosalie's kindness.
Emmett's protective side.
Esme's devotion to her family.
The whole kindhearted family.
Carlisle's words.
"Why? Why do you care? I'm just another victim. Why do you care?" I blinked my eyes to prevent myself from crying, but it was inevitable. Tears streamed down my cheeks.
"You're not just another victim, and that's why I'm here, Bella. But I'll tell you that story another time. I think you've had enough for today. Get some sleep and we'll talk again tomorrow," he said gently.
Rosalie's words.
"Bella, I know that you feel like a victim right now, or maybe not at all because of your memory loss but trust me, when the time comes and you remember, I want you to remember my words; it's not your fault. Right now actually it might be good that you don't remember, that will allow your mind to heal it self and thing about the present and your baby, not that night, it would be too much for you to remember that night." She looked away but I could see the sadness in her eyes. It was heartbreaking. It was like she knew how I'd feel. Like she'd been there… could she really? Had that happen to her too?
It had. It had happened to her too.
Suddenly as if my own pain wasn't enough, I could feel hers too. She was re-living her memories. Her rape; mine. Her pain; mine. Everything was double now.
And the baby. She had lost hers somehow. But mine was still alive; her last chance. My baby was Rosalie's last chance at happiness.
"The baby?"
Pain marred her beautiful features and her eyes welled up with tears. "Somehow, he found out about the baby. To him, it was a proof of that night. Emmett and I agreed that we'd keep it no matter what. I didn't want it though; that baby was a burden to my life. I would have to take care of it and I would have to put my life on hold for it. It was a burden and a bitter proof." She gasped and a silent sob rocked her shoulders. "I didn't want it, Bella—I didn't. All I could think of was 'why me'; I thought it was unfair and I hated it. God, I hated it for existing; I hated it for reminding me of him—of what he did to me; to us. I couldn't look at Emmett; I couldn't stand him in the same room—with none of them. I couldn't look into their eyes. I felt shame, pain… despair. That was all I felt, and I wanted to make it stop. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't make my thoughts stop only for a second. I had his voice in my head and his breath on neck; I could feel his hand on me everyday and I hated myself." She was sobbing and shaking.
"Right now, actually, it might be good that you don't remember. Your mind needs to be allowed to heal itself, and focus on the present and your baby, not that night; it would be too much for you to remember that night."
That's what she meant. She knew better than anyone what it would be like. She had her memories and no time to heal, and a baby. I on the other hand, I had no memories, hopefully plenty of time to heal and a baby.
We were so much alike it was scary. It was like she was sent to help me and vice versa.
"I'm so sorry." And I was. For her, for me, and for the babies. How unfair life could be.
"He somehow found out about the baby; I was two months pregnant when again, someone attacked me on my way home. It was clear as day that they were after the baby. They punched me in the stomach and that was it. Again, Emmett found me bleeding. My wish had become true. I didn't want it and suddenly I didn't have it anymore. It was all my doing." She was drained. Her eyes were bloodshot and her skin was pale and red from crying. She looked like she'd suddenly aged ten years, and all the pain and hurt was evident in her blue eyes.
There was only so much a person could take and Rosalie Hale had already reached her breaking point.
"No, Rose, don't say that. You were young and it was traumatising. It's only natural for you to think that way," I tried to comfort her.
She wiped her eyes and looked at me confused. "Did you? Did you have the same thoughts as I did?" She looked hopeful; she hoped she wasn't the only one.
"No."
Her eyes filled with tears again. "See? You wanted it from the beginning."
"No, I may have wanted it from the beginning but I'm different. Would you give your baby away?"
I didn't need her to answer. I knew she wouldn't. After all that was the reason that would make her such a good mother soon. She wouldn't think twice about keeping it.
She shook her head. "It was a slap in the face, Bella. I learned my lesson and there's no way I can go back and change it. I have accepted it by now, but it still hurts. I still fill like I'm getting punished for that thought. It's like my wish had come true only for me to find out that it was the opposite from what I truly wanted."
~o~
Seven a.m. and I was dressed in gym clothes, and sneakers with my hair in a ponytail. I'd had barely three hours sleep until I gave up two hours ago and start cooking. Two different kinds of cakes were spread out, and a full breakfast of fresh squeezed oranges and all kinds of eggs and bacons a person could think. It was the least I could do to keep my mind off the terrible dreams that had hunted my night, again. Rosalie's story combined with mine had made my dreams a living hell.
After I was done, I made my way to my bedroom—my huge and beautiful bedroom—and got dressed. I had asked Carlisle about running and I was going to start making it a habit if it kept my mind off of things; or, if it gave me time to think as much as possible. At this point I didn't know which was better.
It took me a while but when I walked toward the back of the house—I remembered the beautiful view from the library which kinda made me think twice about the running part, but as soon as I saw the trail I start running.
What started as a light jog turned into full run; I was gasping for breath and panting and sweating like a pig, but I enjoyed it to no end. Running was accelerating. It made me feel like the little girl I used to be, free from all the trouble and stress.
I was far from it but, still, it felt good.
Running back to where I started from, I stood on a rock trying to catch my breath and drink some water.
You have another one to think of, Bella!
I was running to slow my breathing when someone came running from behind and hit my shoulder.
"I'm sorry, but what are you doing here and who are you?" A breathless voice asked me and I turned. No one could be out there since this was the family's property and I had met all of them so that only left one person.
Edward Cullen.
The hot stranger!
Well, I guess he wasn't a stranger anymore.
"Hey, I've met you before, right? That girl from the library?" He was still breathing deeply and he managed to smile a little before a frown appeared. "What are you doing here? Are you Rosalie's friend?"
He was asking questions so fast I could barely keep up. I was still trying to connect the stranger with Edward Cullen. How could he be the guy that supposedly hated my guts?
"Um, yeah, I live here now." That would give him a clue. Surely he had heard that I would be staying there.
Just as the words were out, his eyes darkened and his jaw tightened. His palms turned into painfully looking fists, his knuckles turning white as he kind of paled.
What the fuck was his problem?
He didn't look me in the eyes, but he did glance at my stomach with a weird look on his face. Instinctively I covered it with my hand and rubbed soothing circles.
What ever he says won't affect us, little one.
He chuckled humourlessly. "At least I see you're a little protective. Not so much though." His dark eyes locked with mine again. "Are you sure running is a good idea? Shouldn't you be more careful or don't you give a shit at all?" he sneered with a disgusted look.
I flinched; this guy was not the one I met that day! He was a monster.
"What is your problem, pal? Are you always like this?"
"You know nothing about me!"
I shrugged and picked up my bag. "I won't say it was nice to meet you because it wasn't, but really, I can't believe how different you are from the rest of them." I shook my head in disbelief. Esme Cullen couldn't have raised him like this.
"So, you really live here?"
I didn't bother answering him as I walked away.
Edward Cullen indeed was weird, but at this point I couldn't care less. My life was complicated as it was, I didn't need to add him into the equation.
~O~
A/N: So sorry for the huge delay, but RL happens. Next update ASAP.
Lots of thanks to my beta Feralness Is Me and Helen for the chapter song and pre-reading!
