The discussion between Alice and Charlie stopped when they saw I was waking up. Charlie tried to keep a fairly upbeat conversation rolling, exclaiming about what a surprise it was to see Alice again, how great it would be for she and I to spend some time together this weekend. He quickly wound down, unaccustomed to that sort of thing, but did conclude by inviting Alice to stay for dinner.
"Or maybe stay the night, if you want. You and Bella could catch up. Cheaper than a hotel."
Alice looked over at me. I definitely liked the idea. I didn't want to let her out of my sight.
"Sure. Thanks, Charlie."
Charlie returned to his television and I started making dinner with Alice's limited help. "I hope you don't have to actually eat this," I told her apologetically. "Let me know if there's anything I can do to make it easier."
"I'll manage," she said, smiling.
"Thanks for staying."
"I'm happy to." She grinned. "I might skip out for a while once you're asleep, and join Jazz, but I'll be back before you wake up."
"Where is Jasper?"
"In the woods. He's been checking out some strange phenomena."
"What kind?"
"It's hard to know. There was a vampire in the area recently, and he was apparently killed."
My eyes widened. "By another vampire?"
"That's just it. As far as we can tell, there was only the one."
"What else can kill a vampire?"
"Not much," she said, a little evasively. "And what makes it even stranger is, I can't see anything. The whole situation is blocked from me."
"That's weird." I looked at her. "Are you worried about this?"
"Not worried, exactly. Mostly curious. Carlisle thinks he knows what's going on. But I shouldn't say any more until we know for sure."
Charlie joined us at the table for about two minutes before taking his plate into the living room with him. Apparently there was some particularly crucial sporting event on television. It gave Alice a chance to ditch her food, unobserved.
"You should have my share," she said, transferring her dinner onto my plate. "You look like a famine victim."
I grimaced, and tried to eat as much of it as I could. I braced myself for another difficult question. "So how is the rest of the family?"
"They're doing all right. Not great, to be honest." She leaned her head on her fist. "The past few months have been hard. There was a big disagreement over leaving to begin with, and once we did move, Edward went into such a tailspin." I winced, but she pretended not to notice. "It was hard being around him. Especially for Jasper. He finally moved out and went off on his own. We hardly hear from him. We all miss him. We miss you, too," she added.
I looked up, startled. "Oh! Um, thanks." I didn't know what to say. Even if that were true, none of them had to miss me. They were the ones who left. But I didn't want to get into that again. "I missed all of you, too." I felt like I was going to start crying again, and quickly got busy shovelling in the food.
She reached over and squeezed my hand. "I hope you can forgive us for leaving that way."
"Sure," I said. I was fairly sure I could.
We joined Charlie in the living room long enough to be polite, then moved upstairs. I put on pyjamas, and offered a pair to Alice. She just laughed. "Put on some music," Alice suggested. "It'll make for a convincing slumber party atmosphere."
I hesitated, not wanting to sound nuts. "I don't really play music any more."
"You don't?"
"No. I...I just don't like hearing it. It's too...difficult."
She dropped it. "Okay, then. Let me braid your hair." I sort of almost laughed. "Come on, Bella! It's something I don't get to do for myself."
I glanced at her spiky, close cropped hair. "Oh, all right. Braid away."
She gathered the necessary materials and started brushing and manipulating sections of my hair, using human speed. It was actually very pleasant and calming.
"Alice?"
"Mm hm?"
"Does everybody know about...you know, about him lying to me? When he left?" I still couldn't say his name out loud.
"Yes. I got a glimpse of it, and he admitted it to me, in front of the family. He said it was the only way to really give you your freedom."
I snorted bitterly. "Yeah, I've been enjoying that freedom immensely these past months. Time of my life."
She sighed. "I still don't know if it was right to tell you. Edward would be furious. But then, he'd be mad that I watched for you in the first place."
"I don't think he could hold it against you that you saved me from drowning."
"No. But I'm a little worried. Knowing it was all a lie, does that make things harder for you?'
I thought a moment, as she finished with my hair and moved around to sit in front of me on the bed. "Actually, it makes things easier. All this time, I've been thinking...he rejected me, stopped loving me. I couldn't really think about him, it hurt too much, but when I," I paused, trying to find the words, "when I let myself be aware of him, that he existed somewhere in the world, it was like hitting a brick wall. He existed, but he didn't want me. Now I know that, even if he's gone, he still loves me. He does it stupidly," I added drily, "but he does love me. Being away from him is still awful, but it cushions the blow, if you see what I mean." I wrapped my arms around my middle. This conversation was too close to the bone for me.
Alice nodded thoughtfully. "Then I'm glad I told you. I just wish..." She shook her head.
"He still won't see me again. Is that right? Even though he lied about...how he felt, he's still convinced I'm better off this way, than with him?" I felt a wave of hopelessness.
She looked sad. "I don't know what to tell you, Bella. He's very determined when he gets fixed on an idea."
Even after my short afternoon nap, I was tired. I got into bed, and Alice sat up beside me. She asked me questions about what had been going on in my life since the Cullens had left, about school and work, my psychiatric treatment, trivia of daily life. I think I fell asleep when I was in the middle of a sentence.
I emerged from my nightmare just after dawn, screaming my head off. Alice shook me gently. "Are you awake now?"
I sat up clumsily. "Yes. Sorry."
"This has been going on every night?"
"Yeah. Well, when I was on the pills, I wouldn't scream out loud. I wish I could stop doing that. It probably wakes up Charlie."
She shook her head. "Are you okay now?"
"Sure." I pushed myself up, went to the bathroom, washed my face. I came back to find Alice holding a selection of clothes she'd picked from my closet. I grinned faintly at the familiar sight, and accepted the outfit she'd chosen.
"I went to see Jasper during the night."
"Right. How's the investigation going?"
"Slowly. I was wondering if you'd like to see him again."
"Of course! If it's okay with him, I mean."
"He'd like that. Should I tell Charlie we're going to spend the day shopping?"
"As long as it's not the truth." I led her down the stairs.
Charlie was happy to have me spend the day out with Alice. "Why don't you have dinner someplace, too?" he suggested, handing me a couple of bills. I started to protest, but he stopped me. "You don't get out that much, Bells. Go on, have fun. I'll pick up something to eat on my way back."
"Back?"
"I'm going over to Billy's for a while. I was going to stay home, but if you and Alice are going out..."
"Sure. Have fun, Dad. Say hi to Billy for me, and Jacob."
I ate breakfast, Alice overseeing the activity with a watchful eye and urging me to eat more, then we left in Alice's car. She was, if anything, a crazier driver than...other Cullens. She headed out of town, down the highway, stopping near the trailhead from which he had once led me to his private meadow. Was it nearby, then? I looked up the side of the hill, then turned away quickly as memories started to flood back.
Alice put a hand on my shoulder, making sure I was okay, before turning me in the direction of the trail. Jasper emerged suddenly from the trees.
He smiled at Alice, then turned to me. "Hello, Bella."
It was a shock to see him again. He seemed to feel this, and hung back. The surprise passed quickly. "Jasper, hi! It's so good to see you again." I approached him, intending to shake his hand, but without thinking I gave him a quick hug around the neck. He patted me cautiously on the shoulder, but didn't pull away.
I moved back, feeling awkward now. Jasper looked from Alice to me, his face serious. I realized he could see past my surface behaviour, could feel the constant ache that never diminished, the continual effort to keep everything in place. He didn't give any indication; he just said, "Shall we take a walk?"
We walked along the trail slowly, for my sake, and talked. Jasper's polite questions about my life, school, my parents, were answered quickly. I realized he couldn't say much about what was going on in his life right now - he couldn't even tell me where his family was currently living.
When we reached a small clearing, and I paused a moment to rest, he stopped and turned back to me. "Bella, let me take this opportunity to apologize to you for what happened on your last birthday." I crossed my arms over my chest as memories of him driving me to my birthday party floated through my head. I sternly suppressed them. Jasper paused, seeming to take in my reaction. "There is certainly enough to be sorry for, but in view of, er, subsequent events, I have even more to regret. No apology would be adequate, but I feel compelled to at least make an attempt. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
"Jasper, of course! You know I never held that against you, not for one second. Please, don't even think of it again."
He smiled wryly. "You're a very forgiving person."
"It was just an awful combination of events. You're not to blame."
We walked as far as the first scenic lookout, took in the view, then walked back. Alice, to my surprise, said goodbye to Jasper and headed back toward her car.
"We're leaving?" I asked.
"Jasper's staying to look into the situation a little more. And you and I are going shopping. Didn't you hear what I told Charlie?"
I rolled my eyes. I should have known. I turned to say goodbye to Jasper. "It was wonderful being able to see you again, after so long," I told him.
"It was good seeing you, too," he said. He seemed to hesitate before adding, "I'm sorry to hear you're ailing. I hope things get better for you soon."
I hugged him again, and this time he returned the embrace more warmly. "Have fun," he said, to Alice as well as me, and laughed at my expression.
Alice took off down the highway at her usual rate of speed. "Don't panic, Bella. I'm not planning a makeover. Just a fun day out. We'll stop for lunch - at least, you will - look around the bookstores, just hang out for the day. Okay?"
"Sure. it sounds nice." I was actually looking forward to a day with Alice, unlike the 'going out with friends' I'd done to keep up a front for Charlie. It felt good to actually enjoy someone's company.
