VII. Accident
Bella's POV
What was I doing here? Was I masochistic? Or just insane? Nothing good could possibly come out of this. I was just going to hurt myself. But I guess I couldn't suffer more than I already was.
I was wandering in the forest. Behind the trees, I could see the sun disappearing. Just like in the dream, I thought, shivering. But this was the point.
I had woken up that morning and realized my bubble was gone. I couldn't protect myself, I was too sensible for any physical contact. I felt naked without the protective shell I had grown used to. I could hear people talking louder, felt the dangerous proximity with them more than I used to, felt the rain on my skin more aggressively. And I had realized I needed my bubble back.
I could now clearly feel the emptiness in my head and I wasn't distracted enough. It was inevitable; I was going to think about him. I wasn't immune to the temptation anymore and the need I had been trying to bury was resurfacing. The need to remember. The need to know that the memory I had desperately tried to escape was still fresh deep down. The simple need to recall his god like face, his harmonious laugh, his dazzling smile. I tried unsuccessfully to block the pain I knew was coming, but it was a lost battle. Now that my bubble had broken, the pain was even worse.
All day long, I had been trying to escape my own mind, to clear my head. But it was impossible. And that is why I was here.
This was a last desperate attempt to be distracted. I had realized the one time I needed less efforts to do that was when I was asleep. At night, my mind was only controlled by my subconscious, which made it easier. However, it was still painful. But I was already broken beyond repair, so I decided it didn't matter.
That is why I was wandering in the forest, at twilight. I was trying to relive the nightmare, to make it more real. It was stupid, reckless, and irrational and I knew that. But at this point, I didn't even try to be rational anymore. I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I wasn't sure what that meant, but all I knew was that I had suffered enough. I was done. I couldn't bear the pain anymore. It was too much. Too much effort, too much waste. I couldn't spend the rest of my life trying to escape the memories I actually wanted to remember, trying to forget the only face I wanted to see, the only voice I wanted to hear, the only person I wanted to be with.
But what was I talking about? The rest of my life? My life was over. And it had been for a long time.
I got a little out of the forest and walked on the side of the road. I could still smell the leaves of the trees, or hear the rain on the forest ground. I hated the fact that I was so sensible to everything around me now. There was no doubt I needed my bubble back.
As I thought about this, the sky had gotten darker. I slowly stood up and looked up towards the sky, feeling the rain on my thin skin. And then, I smiled. A smile that didn't reach my eyes, but it was the first one in months.
It was weird. I hadn't smiled for so long, and even though this smile was a sad, desperate one, it made me remember the ones I had on my face a long time ago. Those were the happy ones. The smiles you don't notice because they're natural, regular. Because you never think you're going to stop smiling.
I had missed the feeling. Because smiling was always followed by happiness, and I couldn't quite remember that. That simple, yet beautiful twitch of the lips, usually combined with laughter or tears. Tears of joy.
Suddenly, I was blinded by a white light. I looked up and saw a car, at full speed, heading towards me.
The driver had obviously lost control because of the rain on the road. He seemed as surprised as I was. But he was panicked, paralyzed and I realized I was just waiting for the loud crash. I didn't understand why, but in that very moment, I wasn't even trying to avoid the crash that would surely end my life. Maybe I had been waiting for this for a long time. Maybe I had just been hoping that destiny, or fate, or whatever made this crazy world, would end my now painful existence.
And then, even more surprising, a shape came out of the forest. A dark, fast and graceful silhouette, like the ones in my nightmare. It was flying towards the place where I stood, and I was now sure that this was what I had been waiting for. Before I knew it, I was a few feet away from the car that was now crashing against a tree, and the dark silhouette that had saved me was gone.
I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed. There were only two options: either what had just happened before my eyes was true, or either I was crazy. Deciding I would have more time to think about that later, I tried to focus on the accident that had just happened.
I was alive. I blinked my eyes, and realized that an ambulance was already there, and paramedics were checking on the driver that had obviously been less lucky than me.
I stood up and walked the faster I could to my house. I didn't need a useless trip to the ER. Fortunately, nobody noticed me.
As soon as I had gotten past the door, I ran to my room. I quickly put myself into bed, too tired to change, and immediately fell asleep.
For the first time in months, I had a peaceful, dreamless night.
