Authors' Note: Thanks for the reviews! This next chapter is a bit short as well, but it has a bit of a cliffhanger that will have you racking your brains to figure out what's going to happen next *rubs hands together evilly*. So, please read on! Find out what happens this week on. . . .*drum roll* Batman! Um, sorry. . .*another drum roll* I Wanna Hold the Ring!
Maggie had not been kidding when she had announced the thousands of stairs that lay ahead of the Fellowship. They climbed and climbed, the weaker ones (Maggie, Aly and the hobbits) being practically dragged up the stairs by the stronger ones. Gandalf, also, had not been kidding when he had said that a shitload of Orcs were coming after them. The Orcs were crowding in from all sides, shooting arrows at them.
"Aly, look out!" Legolas shouted.
"What?" Aly said as an arrow went whizzing over the top of her head. "Whoo! That was a close one! Left a parting in my hair!"
"C'mon, Gimli, move your ass," Maggie said as she pushed at the back of the Dwarf. "Let's go! You're holding up the soul train back here."
As they reached the bridge, a terrible snarling noise echoed loudly through the cavernous hall, and filled the Fellowship's hearts with so much fear that Pippin wet himself again. Boromir and Aragorn quickly unsheathed their swords, circling around, looking for the source of the snarl.
"Uh, Mags?" Aly said, stepping closer to her friend. "That's not what I think it is, is it?"
Maggie nodded. "Big ugly fiery thing? Oh, yeah. That's him. Oh, shit! We were gonna talk about this before we got here, remember? We were supposed to think of a plan to make sure Gandalf doesn't get killed."
"Holy crap," Aly said. She sighed. "We'll just have to wing it! We can't talk about it anymore now. We've got to catch up with the guys! And hey, we could always tell Borrie that it's one of Saruman's spies and let him handle it."
"Gandalf? Sir?" Merry asked as they ran. "Begging your pardon, I know you're busy, but what the hell was making that snarling sound back there?"
"Most likely a big ass Balrog, young Brandybuck," Gandalf said, glancing over his shoulder. The snarling noise was coming closer, accompanied by thunderous footsteps that shook the walls of the great mine.
Just as the Fellowship took their first steps onto the bridge, the monstrous Balrog loomed into the room, his entire body engulfed with fire, his snarling mouth opened wide. He held a fiery whip at his side and cracked it close to the bridge.
"Shitness!" Sam said.
"Sam?" Aly said smiling. "Did I just hear you say a curse?"
Sam blushed. "Sorry, Miss Aly. I figured I'd rather say a curse when I'm scared than wet myself, like Pippin always does."
"I have a bladder condition!" Pippin yelled angrily.
"Yeah, Pissmyself-itis," Frodo said, laughing.
"Silence! All of you!" Aragorn said. He, Boromir, and Gandalf stepped in front of everyone else, weapons drawn, ready to face the Balrog. The hobbits hung back in fear near Legolas and Gimli. Aly raced over to Maggie.
"What are we going to do?" she screamed. "They'll all be killed!"
Maggie inhaled deeply, then ripped off her jacket and threw it to Pippin. "I have an idea." She pushed through Aragorn, Boromir and Gandalf and walked dangerously close to the Balrog, who was still snarling and cracking his whip.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Gandalf bellowed.
"You don't even have a weapon, faller of the sky!" Aragorn added.
Boromir said nothing because he was currently engaged in a sword fight with an imaginary person whom he kept calling Myrtle.
Maggie ignored them all and took a deep breath. "Excuse me!" She yelled up to the Balrog. "Hey, you!" The Balrog stopped snarling and lowered the arm that held the whip. He looked down at Maggie in surprise, his beady black eyes opened as wide as they would.
"Yeah?" he answered back.
Maggie chuckled nervously. "Uh. . .hi! Yeah, uh, what's your deal, dude?"
"What?" the Balrog asked.
"Uh, why are you so pissed about us crossing this bridge?" she said. "I'm Maggie, by the way, and those are my friends. We have a super important quest to finish, and it's been really tough so far, kind of like that movie where Tom Cruise--"
"Maggie!" Aly yelled warningly.
"Sorry!" Maggie called back. She turned to the Balrog again. "Anyway, we'd really appreciate it if you let us through this one time."
The Balrog sat down, dangling his legs off the edge of the cliff. "I'm afraid I can't do that. See, this is a toll bridge. You have to pay to cross it. You and your band of warriors ran right past the toll booth, and they sent me after you, to collect." He took out a huge water bottle and dumped it over his head, extinguishing the flames.
"Hey!" Maggie said. "That's really cool. But, why do you light yourself on fire?"
"It's a scare tactic," the Balrog said. "Usually, people who don't pay the toll will cough up the money really fast when they see a twenty-foot tall flaming monster coming their way."
"Um. . .neat. What's your name, man?" Maggie asked.
"Bob," the Balrog replied. "Bobishkir, actually, but people usually call me Bob."
"Got any kids, Bob?"
Bob dug around in his wallet and handed Maggie four pictures. "That's Takot, my wife, with our oldest, Midka, that's Drysla, the little boy is Oppen, and the baby is Phoebe."
"Phoebe?" Maggie asked.
Bob nodded. "My and my wife's favorite TV show is Friends."
"Friends?! Oh my god! Did you ever see the one where Joey and Monica are going--"
"Maggie!" Aragorn, Aly, and Sam yelled simultaneously.
"Sorry!" Maggie yelled. "Anyway, Bob, we're in a bit of a hurry. How much do we owe you?"
After they had paid their toll, the Fellowship continued across the bridge. Maggie waved good-bye to Bob the Balrog. "Give our love to Takot and the little Balrogs, 'kay Bob?"
Bob smiled, waved back, and started back toward the toll booth.
"What did you think you were doing, Maggie?" Gandalf scolded loudly as they exited the mine and stepped out onto the mountain side. "You could have been killed. Did you even know what you were doing? For heaven's sake, child!"
"Hey, cool it, gramps," Maggie said. "I just saved your ass back there."
"All right!" Aragorn shouted, putting on a big smile. "Who's hungry? Since the perils of Moria are behind us, I say we have Master Samwise here cook us a fine feast."
Sam scrambled to his feet and dumped out his pack. "Yes, sir. I can make a fine feast. We'll have cream of spinach soup, followed by some scalloped taters and then some--"
Aragorn chuckled and patted Sam's shoulder. "All right, kind hobbit. Surprise us. I'm going to find a spring somewhere to wash up. Now, if the hobbits and the fallers of the sky would stay here, the rest of us will go search the place for a lake and some good firewood. Legolas, I want you stationed up there"--he pointed to a tall tree-- "until we get back. Keep an eye out for anything that looks suspicious."
As Legolas climbed the tree, and the hobbits busied themselves with supper, Maggie and Aly watched as the rest of the Fellowship disappeared between the rocks and trees. Aly nudged Maggie suddenly. "Hey, wanna follow them?" she asked in a devious tone.
Maggie winced. "I don't know. I'm already in trouble with Gandalf. I don't want to push it."
"What's the only thing better than regular Hot Old Guy?" Aly asked. "That's right, wet Hot Old Guy."
Maggie nodded. "Sold," she said, and she and Aly took off to find Aragorn. They didn't have to look too far. There was a big stream about a hundred yards from the camp site. They spotted Gandalf at the side of the spring, muttering to himself, his pipe hanging between his lips. Boromir, on the other hand, was crouched upon a rock in the middle of the spring, banging a fish into the side of the rock.
"So juicy sweeeeeeeet," he sang in a Gollumy voice as he continued dashing the fish's brains out.
"That boy has lost his mind," Maggie whispered as they ducked into some bushes, out of sight.
Aly nodded in agreement. Then, she pointed and let out a squeal of delight. Aragorn was standing farther into the spring, sans shirt, splashing water onto his chest and face. Aly began to drool as the watched the tiny beads of water slide down Aragorn's muscular chest and stomach.
"Can't take it," she said, standing up and moving toward Aragorn.
"Down, Sparky," Maggie said, grabbing her friend by the waist of her jeans and pulling her back into the dirt. "We're not supposed to be here."
Aly sighed. Then, she shook her head and stood up again. "Can't take it," she said, gripping the bottom of her T-shirt with both hands. "Must get naked and jump Hot Old Guy." Maggie lunged for Aly, but it was too late. She was already halfway to the spring, struggling to pull her shirt over her head. Unfortunately, it got tangled up over her head and, not being able to see where she was going, Aly crashed into the water with a huge splash.
Gandalf screamed, which caused Boromir to drop his fish and dive into the water to retrieve it. Aragorn turned around just in time to see Aly's head surface, her T-shirt tangled about her neck. Maggie meekly came out of the bushes.
Aragorn let out a cry of surprise and covered his naked torso with his arms. "Aly! Maggie! Damn it!" he yelled. "I'm half-naked."
"I was well on my way to being half-naked too, until this stupid shirt got caught on my earring," she said, standing up and angrily pulling her shirt back down.
Before anyone had a chance to say another word, Legolas came bursting through the trees, bent over, out of breath. Gandalf jumped to his feet. "What is it, young Elf? Have you seen something that disturbs you?"
"Yes," Legolas panted. "Whilst I was in the tree I spotted a band of people gathered at a spot farther down this stream. There were many of them, men and women. I don't think that they are an immediate threat, though."
"Why not?" Maggie asked.
Legolas blushed slightly and lowered his voice a bit in modesty. "They were all naked."
