Chapter 7

They walked hand in hand toward the front door, not really saying anything, but the silence once again conveying all that they needed to.

Clara leant into his white shirt, still clean despite, and she watched him as he fumbled with the door keys.

'Are you just going to keep staring at me, or will help me open this damn door?'

'Back to usual so soon.' She replied, taking the keys from him and easily turning the lock.

'For a moment there you were being way too sentimental.'

'And you were being way too clingy.'

'I am not clingy!'

'You're a control freak then, who forgets the milk and changes mood within two seconds.'

'I am not a control freak.' She said slowly, walking toward the kitchen.

'Debatable.' He answered, walking up behind her.

'Tea? You've just come back from a near death experience and you want tea? I'll never understand you. I'm getting the rum.'

'Not too much. Can you remember what happened last time, John?'

'No, should I?'

She sighed, making her way over to the couch where he was now sitting, opening a bottle of alcohol.

'You have completely ruined the moment, now.'

'How?'

'By acting all arrogant and ignorant. Five minutes ago you wouldn't dare let go of me.'

'Where's the vocab coming from, English teacher? Oh, right you're not one.'

She leaned into his shoulder, trying not to smile but failing.

'Shut up.'

'Clara?'

'Yes?'

'What do you say we watch the crime series again before it needs to be returned?'

'A day of action and murder and terror and it's not enough for you?'

'I'm a spy. I can never have enough crime.'

They laughed, and John held her once again in his arms as the titles rolled.

After 2 hours of watching TV and Clara began to replay the events of the day repeatedly. Over and over, it wouldn't leave her mind, seeing John in that helicopter, nearly leaving her forever.

It made her insecure.

'Hey, what's the matter?' He asked, watching her bury her face into his jacket.

'I didn't think it was scary.'

'Not the TV series you idiot.' She replied, her words slightly muffled.

Clearly seeing Clara was hurting in some way, he turned the TV off and dropped all sarcasm and remarks. He picked up on his sentimental side, which was a real thing, he knew. Clara had been right, there has always been the caring and emotional and loving side to him that he doesn't want to admit too, but shines through regardless. He knew how much of an asshole he was being for so suddenly switching his demeanour after a scarring ordeal had happened only hours earlier. He was being insensitive, he knew. But the truth was only that he wasn't, that he only wanted to act like everything was normal and wanted to put it behind him as quickly as possible.

Love coursed through his unworthy heart for the small brunette lying at his chest and guilt for dismissing her pain so flippantly.

He slowly lifted her up, taking her shoulder and looking her deep in the eyes.

'Clara...tell me what's wrong.'

She was shaking under him, and his desire to fix whatever it was that was bothering her grew strong.

'I can't stop relaying everything in my head.'

'I know, I'm sorry.'

'It's okay. You need me as much as I need you.' She sniffed.

'What's bothering you so much?'

A small silence fell between them, and then Clara took his face in her hands. John turned his whole body toward her, crossing his legs.

'You wouldn't have actually left me...would you?'

His eyes narrowed in confusion, and then widened as he understood what she was saying.

'No, no, no way would I ever do that to you! Clara, look at me, I didn't know if it would work, but it did, and even if that helicopter had set off to Scotland, I would always come back. If I was halfway round the world, or in the deepest parts of space, or in a completely different time zone I would still come back for you. You have to understand that, Clara. I didn't know what was going to happen. I swear I nearly blasted Missy's goddammed brains out when you started choking. I had no idea about any of it except a hunch that she might use the helicopter. But I would never ever leave you, not even in death.'

She smiled tearily at him, her heart bearing faster at his beautiful words and gorgeous face.

'Come here.' He said softly, opening up his arms into a proper embrace and pulling her onto him. She wrapped her arms around him, shutting her eyes tight, kissing his shoulder and neck and playing with his hair again.

'I love you, Clara, and that's never, ever going to change for one millisecond, or heartbeat or lightwave.'

She hugged him harder, sending tendrils of shock down his spine. Finally, she drew away to stare at his truthful face.

'See, you change within minutes.' She laughed.

'I know, but that's just me. Can't help it.'

'I love you the way you are. And I wouldn't change anything.'

She sealed his lips and held him closer, making sure he was real and alive and hers. He kissed back with as much passion as she had hoped and his hands tugged on her hair, her legs now wrapping around his waist and everything around her melting away to nothing.

His kisses became deeper until he lost his balance and sunk into the couch, sliding down until his head was on the armrest and she was lying on top of him, legs intertwined. Her hands roamed his upper torso, slipping underneath his red jacket to his shirt, and she finally felt safe and relieved that she no longer had to worry. She tugged his jacket off and wrapped her arms around his neck as he held her close to him. He removed her jacket too, sliding his hands up and down her arms and feeling her soft and warm skin beneath the top she was wearing. John felt overwhelmed, kissing her with as much love and energy he could, his muscles relaxed under her touch.

She was the only one who could do this to him. Separate him, unravel him from his usual grumpy self and turn him into a sensitive mess inside. All he knew was that it took a lot longer for other people than Clara. She could do it within seconds.

Clara withdrew to look at him and he threaded his fingers through her short hair, closed eyes and faint smile appearing at his touch. Her head rested under his chin, and stayed there for a moment until she sprang up again. He could see something was making her restless.

'John...we shouldn't be spies anymore.'

She wasn't making any eye contact, which suggested to him that she didn't want to give up the job.

'We can.' He reassured her.

'Actually, the term is more 'can't.'

'How do we pay for everything, then.'

'I think we should live a normal life. Plus Gallifrey burnt down and I don't know if you'd want to join UNIT after that.'

'Normal life...normal jobs...' He thought out loud, pondering over what she had said. No risk of dying or never seeing the other again, no wounds, no danger. A quiet, peaceful life. No more adrenaline or guns or running about. No more lying, no more worrying. He could picture it, living normally and happily with Clara, and it have him an aching pain of want in his heart. But being a spy wasn't just a job, it was part of him. As much a part of him as Clara was, and he knew she felt the same way about it too.

'Look, I know it's going to be hard. I know we're going to miss it a lot, I know I will. But I don't want to come home every night and panic over you not coming home or the possibility of being shot...or worse. I can't start every day knowing that you will be in danger and that there is more chance than normal of you...' She took a breath, not wanting to say the word, 'going.' She finished.

He nodded, understanding her terms completely.

'I wouldn't want that for you, either.'

'I know. And even if you carried on with spying, I know that I would too, and I can't. Today was as much a risk as I ever want to take again.'

'What should we do?'

'You know what? Do what you've always done...be a doctor.'

He smiled at that, gazing at her beautiful face and perfect features.

'And what will you do?'

'I might as well try to teach English to teenagers.'

'Good luck.'

She smiled, eyes wide with knowing. 'I'm going to need it.'

Silence interrupted them for a moment, until Clara asked him the question.

'So, a normal life, normal job, normal everything, and no more than any usual danger or worry or panic. A normal life of watching TV, going shopping, actually eating dinner with me. What do you say?'

John knew the answer before she had said it. As much as he wanted to hold on to his exhilarating and exciting life of being a spy, he knew that she was right in saying that they wouldn't get any sleep at night because they were too worried about each other. He couldn't endure what he had today every day, watching her nearly dying and hurting and heartbroken at his near absence. He knew he wouldn't be able to cope with it. He knew they needed to live an apple pie life, be ordinary people and work ordinary jobs, blend in with everyone else sane and normal in the world. A strong part of him wanted it desperately, so he held onto it, and gave Clara his answer.

'I say we should go job-hunting.' He grinned, watching her expression break in delight. She kissed him again and laughed.

'Well, not for me right now, anyway.'

'No, you're right, maybe we should sit down and eat dinner like normal people and shop for clothes and food and milk first.'

'No, I didn't mean that.' She said.

'What do you mean?'

'That I can't.'

'Can't, it's that word again, why do you keep saying you can't?'

'Because there's three of us now.'

'And that word! Three of us...do we have a ghost following us now?' He said seriously. Clara looked mockingly at him, still not believing he hadn't caught on.

'No,' she said again, taking his hands in hers and placing them on her stomach, 'there's three of us.' She emphasised, and she watched his bewildered face as realisation struck him like lightning and his eyes widened.

'Oh.' He responded.

'Oh? You've just learnt that there's going to be a little you running around and that's all you say? You better be prepared.' She warned him, laughing.

He didn't quite look at her, still comprehending what she had said.

'Why didn't you tell me?'

'Because I couldn't let yourself get caught up in this when you were spying, it would've ruined the plan and ruined you.'

John knew there was truth behind her words. He just felt so sorry that she had carried the truth all by herself while nearly dying, and watching him almost leave.

'Clara, I am so sorry for what it must have caused you. Knowing while nearly dying and me nearly leaving, I'm so sorry. And I promise a perfect, normal life with me and little spy.'

She snorted. 'He or she is not going to become a spy!'

'Okay.' He smiled.

'And...it's okay.'

'All the pain you must have felt...'

'John, for what it's worth, all the pain I felt earlier is almost nothing compared to my absolute relief that we are all alive. You don't have to feel guilty or sorry for me because I've already dismissed it, okay? I am more than fine now. You don't know how ecstatically happy I am that we made it out of there. All three of us.' She said, her arms wrapped around his neck again.

He nodded, smiling.

'John?'

'Yeah?'

'You know you're going to have to actually look after a child?'

'Yes.'

'And paint it's bedroom.'

'Yes.'

'And spend a lot of money on it.'

He stared up at her.

'How much?' He asked fearfully.

'A lot more than you would think.' She laughed at his horror-filled expression.

'Okay.' He said, and she hugged him.

'Baby food, baby clothes, baby everything. And I think I'm starting to worry about you more than it.'

'It's fine.'

'Really?'

'No, but yes.'

She laughed again, closing her eyes and thanking every living thing for being alive and with John.

'So, I think maybe we should start to prepare for a normal life by eating a proper dinner?' He asked, and she agreed.

'Yep, but we need to go shopping for actual food first.'

'We have food, don't we?'

'Yes, but not proper dinner food. We need to go shopping.'

'My feet are tired,' he complained, 'and we are spies. We don't go to the shops for dinner food.'

'Ex-spies,' she corrected, 'and that right there is normal life. It's going to get harder if you complain.'

He thought about it, wanting to prepare as much as he could but not wanting to change anything about this moment.

'I'm really tired. Can we just start a normal life tomorrow?'

'No, we're doing it now. Come on.' She pulled his arm, trying to get him up. Grumbling, he got to his feet.

'I can't wait to see how you're going to cope with a baby.' She laughed.

'I don't think I'll be able to.'

Shaking her head, she took his hand.

'Come on, you're living a normal life now.'

Clara opened the door, and John looked at her eager face.

'Here goes nothing.'

••••

It wasn't like John hasn't been to the shops before; he had been quite a few times. But going now with Clara, convincing himself he was a normal person, made it so much more surreal.

'Look, Clara, have you seen this? They have a whole aisle for baby stuff. Nothing else. Why...'

'Okay, come on, that's enough.' She told him.

'I'm just saying. I never really knew about all that. Since I was eight the only thing I focused on was becoming a spy.'

'Yeah, me too, now shut up and talk about normal things.'

'I don't get why spies aren't normal. I mean, we're still human beings.'

'Well that's debatable in your case, John. And spies are normal, in movies. Being one is a lot different.'

'I know, I'm just saying...fish fingers.' He said, grabbing a bag from the freezers. 'I like fish fingers.'

Clara raised her eyebrows. 'Okay then. Fish fingers it is.'

'Can we get custard, too?'

'Excuse me?'

'Fish fingers and custard. I want...fish fingers and custard.'

'Okay, one, that isn't a dinner meal, two, definitely not, and three, you've been watching too much of that adventure program, haven't you? Sometimes I can't keep up. You switch from adventure, to crime, to horror and you expect me to catch up with everything, do you realise that when you weren't spying you were spending all that time watching them? You won't be after nine months, no way.'

She added, chucking in a bag of peas.

'Well, you can't blame me for being a spy and not being cut out to be a dad.'

'Do you think it's just you? I'm still freaking out about it too.'

He took her hand again, smiling down at her. She glanced up, raising her eyebrows again.

'But I am excited.' He told her. She smiled, shaking her head and moving forward down the aisle. Maybe being normal wasn't so hard.

They had eaten dinner, which John had appreciated a lot. He hadn't realised that being a spy had really drained him each day, making effort only sometimes to eat food.

But as Clara climbed into bed and shuffled up to him, he realised that living a normal life made him appreciate a lot more things, instead of constantly having serial killers and psychopaths on his mind. He actually couldn't wait to start a job and a family. It was also the little things they would be able to do more often, like go to places, maybe see the world, live a little more outside knives and guns. He wrapped his arms round her stomach and buried his nose in her sweet smelling hair, making him feel safe and relaxed.

'Clara.'

'Mhm?'

'Thank you so much for suggesting a normal life.'

'Okay, why?'

'Because I'm getting excited, Clara. About all the places we can go, of getting a job, of having a little one running around, it's made me really happy.'

'Well, that's really good to know, because I am too.'

He couldn't see her face, but he knew she was smiling.

'I finally feel safe.'

'Me too.' She answered, her hands holding his.

'And I love you, Clara Smith.'

'I love you too, John Oswald.'

He smiled, kissing her hair and falling asleep with the notion of having everything he never thought he would, but everything he wanted.

•••

A/N - The last chapter! Hope I did okay. And thanks again to every one who took the time to read this.