Chapter 7
So here is chapter 7, the penultimate chapter. It's a long one, but I couldn't see where to split it and the emotion builds up nicely through it. Just a little warning there is discussion of torture and rape but nothing is graphic.
Previously
Elizabeth began talking again trying to force the bad memories away, "I got on with my job, I can't tell you the details but it went wrong, I was injured in an attempted takedown of a suspect and then I was captured. They….it…" she cleared her throat trying to find the words, she had to pull her hands back from their grasp to try and get some control but it was quickly slipping away. She looked imploringly at her child. "Stevie, they did things that I just can't tell you…..I was broken and when I got out, I assumed your father would want nothing to do with me." She pushed the chair back and rose from the table then crossed the room quickly disappearing to another room of the apartment. She really needed some space, she needed to get away.
Back at the table, Stevie was stricken over the pain she saw in her mother's eyes and rose to follow her but Henry caught her hand across the table. "Honey don't," Stevie sat down again at her father's concerned tone as he continued to speak. "She needs space; I don't think she can cope with us so close at the moment. Didn't you see how she struggled with us holding her hands while she thought about what happened."
"But dad, we've seen her since this happened, she never reacted like this before."
Henry sighed, he had read a lot about PTSD in the time since he was in the Marine's. "I suspect that she has PTSD and it's likely that every time when she came to see us she had a plan. She knew what would happen, had maybe even talked it through with someone. But today, we've pushed her and gone past her boundaries, so it makes her mind more edgy, she can't predict what's going to happen."
The silence in the room was not oppressive but did give Stevie the chance to consider the situation. Her mom had said that stuff had been done to her that she couldn't tell her. It had to be bad. "Do you think she was raped?" Stevie asked quietly, not sure that she wanted to know the answer. She made eye-contact with her dad and his desolate face said it all.
"Yeah sweetie I do, I think she was probably tortured, attacked and raped, more times than I ever want to think about."
Stevie was shocked at her dad's honest answer; she knew that they'd had various conversations about her being an adult now but she never expected him to be so blunt with her. Then she thought back to what her mom had said before she'd walked out the room, she didn't believe her dad would want her after all that was done to her and she decided to be blunt right back. "You should go tell her that you still love her and you would have wanted her no matter what, because you do dad, I can see it in your eyes."
Henry's eyes shot from the table where he'd been staring to meet those of his daughters. "I'm not sure either of us are ready for that conversation Stevie, we haven't really talked to each other in over 5 years."
Stevie huffed, parents were really hard to raise! She had discovered that the hard way over the last few years. "Dad, it doesn't mean you get back together today, but if you don't tell her that you love her, she will always assume that what happened to her was enough to stop you loving her."
Henry could feel the tears coming to his eyes. Stevie was right, if Elizabeth had come home after that op he would have been there for her through everything. She deserved to know that, even if it didn't lead to their relationship mending, she deserved that much.
He stood and made for the door that she had left through. He went through into the bedroom area of the apartment and tried to work out where she would be. He didn't want to spook her, especially if the conversation they'd been having was bringing back flashbacks. He slowly opened one of the doors to discover a bedroom, clearly the one she was using. It was quite bare, with several boxes still to be unpacked, but he could see a photo in a frame on the side of the bed.
His curiosity getting the better of him, Henry moved to the side of the bed to see the one personal item in her bedroom. He came closer and recognition sparked through him, it was a photo taken of them all when Jason was about 2 months old. He and Elizabeth were sitting on a rug on his parent's front lawn. They were both looking into each other's eyes, love was the main emotion he could read on both their faces. The girls were leaning over their shoulders, Alison must have been about 4 and barely could see over her mother's shoulder and Stevie stood behind him. 8 years old and as stubborn as her mother, she didn't look happy and for the life of him, Henry couldn't remember why. Then there was Jason, he was tiny in Henry's arms. Where had the time gone and more importantly where had that happy family gone. He had allowed one conversation with her boss to ruin that picture. Henry reached out and stroked Elizabeth's face behind the glass, why had he let her go?
"I found it a couple of months ago when I moved in." Her voice was quiet and still filled with tears.
Henry turned towards her and watched as she emerged from the room that was clearly her bathroom. They stood facing each other, Elizabeth's face was red and a little blotchy showing her tears and her twitching lip gave away the fact that they were not far away even although she had washed her face.
Elizabeth tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, self-consciously aware of Henry's stare, she began to speak quickly. "Sorry….I had to leave I needed…"
"You needed space, I know, it's ok." He watched her register the words when she had clearly expected him to berate her for not staying at the table. They had so much hurt to overcome and they were not even scratching the surface yet. He slowly walked around the bed towards her, aware that she unconsciously backed away from him, "Have you been seeing someone about your PTSD?" he asked gently.
She gasped, surprised, she hadn't realised he would be able to tell. "How did you know?"
Henry smiled a little, her non answer actually telling him everything he needed to hear. "Oh babe….it's pretty obvious, I'm just annoyed with myself that I never looked at you properly over the times we saw each other to see it before."
Elizabeth bottled her emotions again, tearing her gaze away from his and shrugged. "I made sure no-one knew. I think Will maybe guessed but we don't see each other much and he never asked." She folded her arms in front of her, a classic sign of protecting herself. She was beginning to panic again and it was obvious to Henry that it was due to him being in her space so he backed away from her.
"Do you think you could come back through?" He asked aware that she might end the discussions now given her reaction to her memories.
Elizabeth nodded, her eyes darting to the open door behind Henry feeling blocked in.
"I'm gonna go and wait there, come back through soon, ok." Henry made his way to the door and could see her calming down just with him moving away. God, he had been so heartless in the last few years to not notice this. He glanced back at her and then made his way back to the other room but was surprised to find her close behind him by the time he got to the main living area.
He turned as they entered the room, he had no idea what to say, even although he knew he should take Stevie's advice. He needed to know if what had happened was what he imagined, or hell, was it even worse. He made sure that she had sight of the front door and that he was not in her way then gently asked. "Can you tell me what happened, even just a summary, just so I know."
She nodded, but glanced at Stevie at the table "Not Stevie, I can't do that."
"Ok, just me." He moved closer so she could talk quietly and not let Stevie hear. "Do you want to sit or stand?"
She put her hand across her mouth, gasping at his realisation that she needed to be in control of where the conversation took place. No-one had understood that before, granted she hadn't told many people; her boss at the CIA and the original, useless, therapist they had found for her. It had taken over a year for her to find a therapist she trusted and only then did she begin to come to terms with what had been done to her.
She looked over at Stevie again, who although watching them, deliberately picked up a magazine and began to read so that her parents could talk privately. Elizabeth looked back at Henry and leaned against the wall where she was and Henry relaxed his stance.
"It was bad Henry," he nodded, accepting that would be the case. "The op went bad, there was three of us and the IED took out the rest of my team and left me with shrapnel wounds in my hip." She pulled up her t-shirt a little and he could see multiple scars.
"I had no means of communication and couldn't walk, when they arrived there was no getting away." She looked down and Henry could tell she was retreating behind the emotion of the story. That was alright though, he'd had conversations with so many vets that did the same. It was easier to process if you shut down your emotions, so he let her do it too.
Elizabeth couldn't meet his eyes for the moment as she continued to explain. "There were 6 of them I think, they wanted information and they weren't afraid to try anything to get it." She stopped and looked up at him, trying desperately to get him to understand what had happened without her having to say it. Then she saw it in his eyes, the understanding of how they had tortured her. "It's what you think Henry, they did everything they could to break me, they tortured me in ways that I just can't bring myself to voice, I have scars all over my body.
She folded her arms and Henry could tell she was worrying the fabric of her t-shirt, he was struggling not to reach out for her. She continued talking, "When that didn't work they used psychological techniques; isolation, threat of death, fear. At the same time, they used me in the worst way possible," She finally met his eyes, her voice breaking as she spoke to him, "They weren't like you, they weren't gentle. They damaged me and I haven't fully recovered." She kept his gaze, expecting his to turn to distain, then she looked past him to see Stevie and focussed on her as she spoke. "You wouldn't have wanted me Henry, and that's ok, I didn't want me either. It was better that I stayed away."
She walked away from him back towards Stevie.
"You're wrong." His strong voice carried across the room.
Elizabeth slowly turned to face him.
"I loved you then, and I still love you now." Henry took a deep breath, shocked at his own revelation but realising deep in his being that he meant it. "You may not think you are worthy of me, but you're wrong. Nothing that any of those men could do would ever stop me loving you."
Stevie had been watching while pretending to read the magazine and could feel the tears roll down her cheeks. She maybe hadn't heard the whole conversation but she had a pretty good idea what 'those men' had done to her mom and she loved her parent's more for how they were dealing with this.
"Why didn't you tell me that, before now?" Elizabeth asked choking on her words, not understanding how her husband could just let her go as he seemed to have done.
Henry stepped closer to her, still allowing her some space. "I thought you made a choice. I thought you didn't want me." Henry tried to explain. "I told Conrad to get you to choose. I wanted you to come home but you didn't so I figured you didn't choose me." He shrugged trying not to show her how hurtful that decision had been. "Then I assumed you were doing the same as Will and living your life alone. You had done it before we were together, so when Conrad told me you weren't coming back I decided to focus on the kids."
"What did he tell you?" Elizabeth whispered.
Henry broke her gaze and walked past her to the table and sat down again. He also needed space because for the first time in several years he realised that he was perhaps a little to blame too. He had believed Conrad, he had not trusted their relationship enough to try and speak to her, and all that time she was dealing with trauma.
"When you didn't come back to Paris after a week, I called him at Langley, demanding to know what was going on. He told me you had to go on an op, no details obviously but you should be back in a week or so. I was angry, we'd had a great few days and I couldn't believe you had chosen to go. Then another week went by and there was no word. Conrad sent a message through the embassy, said you had decided to go in country for another assignment and we should head home, without you. He never told me anything was wrong, from my point of view you chose not to contact us, eventually Conrad called again out of the blue, said you had been given another op and you were happy. God I can't believe he told me that, you must have been in so much pain, and he told me that. I'm so sorry…" Henry started crying, devastated at the realisation that he had been played.
Elizabeth walked up behind him and gently put her hand on his shoulder, she could feel his body heaving with deep sobs. "He lied to both of us. Henry, you couldn't have known that everything he said was a lie."
There was a silence around the table as all three came to terms with the fact that someone that had been their friend and confidant had done this to them.
"What are you going to do now mom?" Stevie asked quietly.
"You mean about the job?" Elizabeth asked as she moved from behind Henry to sit at the table again.
"Yeah…..and us…..the kids, they miss you but you being back is going to be difficult for them too." Stevie looked at the table, she didn't know how either Alison and Jason would deal with these revelations, and her mom might need to realise it wouldn't go well.
"I know…" Elizabeth paused and then tentatively reached out for her daughter's hand. "Stevie, I accepted a long time ago that I wouldn't be in your lives much...but if your dad says it's ok, I would like to try. I want to be a part of your lives, even if it's not fully as your mom." She looked from Stevie to Henry, hoping that he would grant her request.
Henry composed himself again, trying to put in the back of his mind that they had lost so many years and focussing what she asked. "We need to take it slowly." Elizabeth nodded at him waiting for him to continue. "Stevie's right, Ali and Jason will find this even stranger because we can't fully explain to them why everything happened." He paused, "Are you going to take the job?"
Elizabeth shook her head. "I know the job, I could be good, but I can't trust Conrad anymore, so no, I'm not going to take the job. I'll let him explain why I have pulled out."
Henry took in that information; he knew that she wouldn't force the issue about being around the kids. However, he also knew that he couldn't in all honesty keep the kids away from her. He meant what he had told her, he did love her. He wasn't sure if that was still a romantic love or more a feeling from the past, but he felt it and he knew Stevie was feeling something too. Elizabeth deserved the chance to see if she could be in their lives, even if, as she said, it wasn't as a mom. He looked directly at her. "Would you like to come back to be closer to us in Virginia We all miss you and you deserve the chance to make this right."
Elizabeth's eyes filled with tears; he wasn't inviting her back to live with them but she could be close by and get to know them all again. "Yeah I would."
"I need you to know this is about you and the kids." Henry ducked his head. "I can't do you and me right now, ok?" Henry squirmed a little under her gaze.
Elizabeth smiled, even when they had been apart for so long they were still on the same wave length. "Agreed, you and I have lived separate lives for a long time now, we are going to have to get to know each other again."
Henry reached over and covered her hand with his, smiling at her answer. "On the up side, if you are out of work, we will have lots of time for that."
Elizabeth smiled at him, they had only scraped the surface of the collapse of their relationship but it was more than she had ever hoped for.
AN: So there is an epilogue to finish this story, I will post that during the week. Let me know what you thought of this. Those of you that needed tissues before, I suspect may have used a whole box this time!
