Thank you to all my readers, reviewers and to those who favorited and followed this story. The Return has crossed 2000 views; I'm really happy! Your support is all the motivation for me :)
Also, thanks to all those who read, reviewed and favorited and followed my oneshot Obsession. Glad you liked it!
Moving on with this chapter...
I wake up in the morning with my first thought being, Today is Visiting Day. Despite knowing what is in store for me, I feel a tingle of anticipation. I'll see my mother again. But on its heels comes the painful realization — it was the second last time I saw her alive in my past, our last proper meeting before she died. I clench my fists. I won't let it be. I won't let her die.
It is still very early when I leave the dorm after a quick shower. Most of the initiates are still asleep. But I am driven by a sense of purposefulness. Last night was a tortuous experience, wallowing in guilt and the burn of separation. I need to make peace with my heart. With Tobias.
I hang around in the Pit, hoping to spot him. The place is mostly empty; in an hour, though, it will be full of the families of initiates. I feel restless. Where are you? I balance on the balls of my feet, trying to form an apology in my head. Will he accept me? Will everything be fine again? Hell, where is he?
The minutes pass by without any sign of Tobias. Maybe he is still asleep, or in the control room, working. I am growing nervous and impatient; how long will I wait? Finally, I realize that it has been far too late, and that I need to go back and get ready if I want to be on time. My feet ache from the waiting, as does my heart. For one crazy moment, I even contemplate hunting him out in his apartment or in the control room, but then quell the thought dejectedly.
All this time. All the thoughts. The plans. Wasted.
I make my way back to the dormitory, my heart heavy. And as my already poor luck would have it, I run headfirst into someone at the corridor.
"Ow." I massage my head, backing away. My insides writhe in anger as I realize who it is.
"You seem to be up very early," Eric comments, his dark eyes fixed with eerie intensity on me.
"I — had gone for a stroll," I give my excuse. "Couldn't sleep."
He nods. "I had underestimated you in the beginning, it seems. You did well yesterday. You show promise, Tris. I have my eyes on you."
"Do me a favor and keep them off me," I mutter under my breath.
Eric's eyes narrow. "What was that, initiate?"
"N-nothing."
"It had better be. I don't like my subordinates out of line." He smirks. "I'm sure you have noticed."
I let out a shaky breath as he walks into the dorm, following him at a safe distance. There can't be many people in the world whom I hate more than him.
-o0o-
I take a few moments to tie my hair up in a bun. I know that Mom won't mind even if I turn up with a piercing on my eyebrow, but I want to show her that I have not forgotten my family. I see Will and Christina laughing and talking ahead of me. I smile to myself, lowering my pace to give them time together. They seem very good for each other. I just hope I won't mess up this time.
I frown as I wonder where Al is. He wasn't in the dormitory, and I know that he won't be in the Pit. I'll find him later. I won't let him hide away in a hole this time.
The Pit seems so different, with the families of the initiates in groups on the side. The usual sea of black is interspersed with blue and white.
And gray. My smile stretches across my face as I spot my mother in the traditional, simple Abnegation attire. For a moment I picture her in a tight black dress. She might have been from outside, a Divergent in our way of speaking, but she chose well. Dauntless, Abnegation. She is both. In fact, she is more. She has it all. A Divergent in the truest sense.
Before I know it, I am running towards her. Her warmth envelopes me, momentarily washing away all thoughts and worries.
"Mom!"
"Beatrice," she whispers. She runs her hand over my hair. Her fingers are gentler and more comforting than anything else in the world.
"Well, look at you," she says. "You've filled out." She puts her arm across my shoulders, smiling. "Tell me how you are."
"You first." It's not just Abnegation manners; I want her to tell me. I want to hear her voice; I want to hear it forever.
"Today is a special occasion," she says. "I came to see you, so let's talk mostly about you. It is my gift to you." I have tears in my eyes. She is so selfless. Such a wonderful woman.
"Dad... he didn't come, did he?" I can't help hope a little that he came. A small change in my actions has made big differences this time, even in this small interval. Maybe, just maybe, he didn't take my decision so hard...
"Your father has been selfish lately." My mother's sad smile douses my hopes. "That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, I promise."
I sigh. "Tell him that I love him. Just because I left doesn't mean I care for him any less."
"I will." She smiles. "But deep inside, I know that he knows it too. He'll come around with time, darling, don't worry."
"You aren't visiting Caleb," I say.
"I wish I could," she says, shaking her head, "but the Erudite have prohibited Abnegation visitors from entering their compound. If I tried, I would be removed from the premises."
I purse my lips, frowning. I can't help hate the Erudite right now. "That's terrible."
"Tensions between our factions are higher than ever," she says. "I wish it wasn't that way, but there is little I can do about it."
I look around, easily spotting Tobias by the Chasm. My insides clench uncomfortably. I just want to get things smooth between us again, but this cannot be any time for an apology.
"There's one of my instructors," I say. I hope my blush isn't prominent enough for her to notice.
"He's handsome." She beams. I want to grin. He is. Absolutely. A wave of sadness follows. But he is not mine yet, I guess.
Tobias' eyes lift to meet mine. His expression is unreadable. His eyes shift to my mother, widening. He must have recognized her. Mom extends her hand to his.
"Hello. My name is Natalie," she says. "I'm Beatrice's mother." I wonder what he thinks of my real name.
"Four," he says. "It's nice to meet you."
"Four," Mother repeats, smiling. "Is that a nickname?"
"Yes." He doesn't elaborate. "Your daughter is doing very well here. I've been overseeing her training."
"That's good to hear," Mom smiles. "I know a few things about Dauntless initiation, and I was worried about her."
"You need not worry," he says. "She has shown surprising progress." All the time, he keeps up his formal instructor front.
"You look familiar for some reason, Four." Mom tilts her head a little, contemplating.
The change in Tobias' manner is immediate. He stiffens. His voice becomes colder. "I can't imagine why," he says. "I don't make a habit of associating with the Abnegation." He is such a good actor.
My mother laughs. "Few people do, these days. I don't take it personally."
Tobias relaxes a little. He nods at my mother. "Well, I'll leave you to your reunion." And walks away. I look down, feeling as if all the joy of seeing my mother has vanished with his departure. Not once did he look at me. I really, really messed things up. Bad.
"Is he always like that?" my mother queries.
"On the outside," I say absently. "He is very guarded. But he has a beautiful personality, once someone gets to know him."
"He's a nice boy, I suppose, then," Mom says, smiling.
"Yes, he is," I sigh with a small smile.
"You like him."
I pale, gaping. "Mom, I —"
"No, it's okay." She laughs, her eyes bright. "It's fine. I think he likes you too."
I am very red now. "You think so? He never looked at me even once."
She smiles at me. "Don't mind that, dear." She sobers up a little. "Did you have an argument?"
I nod. "Two days ago. I thought things were finally going to be good between us, and then... I've messed it all up, Mom. I've been meaning to apologize, but I never seem to be getting the chance."
"You'll have your time, Beatrice. And I am sure things will be fine." She laughs softly, placing her hand on my shoulder. "I think he is good for you."
I can't help laugh with her a little. I never got to tell her about Tobias and me the first time. It feels good.
"Mom —" I feel a pressure in the back of my head; I have to tell it to her. I need to know how she will judge him when she learns the truth. "Promise you won't tell anyone."
She nods at me, he brows furrowed. "What is it, Beatrice?"
"It's not my secret to tell, but — Four... his real name... It's Tobias." I look at her as realization sets in on her face.
"Marcus' son," she whispers. I nod. "No wonder he hides his true name."
"Wh-what do you think?"
"He has grown up into a strong young man." My mother smiles softly. "All I can say is that I am really very proud of him. And I am very happy for you. Take care of him, Beatrice." I feel myself tearing up again. I hug her tightly.
"Thank you, Mom. I love you."
She smiles, running her hand through my hair gently.
"I love you too, Beatrice. Always."
I look around for my other friends. Christina's mother and sister are here. And Peter's dad. I can see Al's parents. I'll get him to meet them, once I am done here. On one side, there is Will talking to his sister. Cara. I smile a little. Cars had been a tried friend to me. A valuable ally.
I freeze at the thought. Ally. If I want to succeed in ruining the Erudite simulation, I need someone to help me. Someone with inside information. I need Cara.
"Mom," I whisper.
"Yes, dear?" Her face clouds over with concern.
"There's a friend of mine, with his sister. I'd like to talk to them. But she's an Erudite, so uh, if you... could wait a minute, here..."
Hurt flashes in her eyes, making me feeling guilty. But I don't want Cara and me to start on bad terms, and the knowledge that I am the daughter of an Abnegation leader won't help things. If she insults my mother, I still won't be able to keep quiet. Better avoid that meeting at all.
"Yes, of course," she says with a smile nevertheless. I nod.
"I'm sorry. I'll — I'll be right back."
Without looking back at her, I make my way towards Will. Let's get over with this.
"Tris!" Will's eyes light up as he sees me. "This is my sister, Cara."
"Nice to meet you," I smile at Cara, who smiles back as we shake hands.
"Did your parents turn up?" Will asks.
"My mother did." I nod.
"So Tris, which faction —" Cara begins, but I cut her off.
"Listen, Cara, could I talk to you for a minute? Alone?"
Both brother and sister look puzzled, but Cara nods. I walk with her to an empty corner. I look around. No cameras. Okay.
"Listen," I say in a low voice. "This is urgent. Will's life is in danger."
Cara pales. "Wh-what? How —?"
"It's not immediate, but there's going to be an attack, soon, and Will has the risk of losing his life because of it," I say, very conveniently forgetting to add that it's me who might kill him. "I want to stop this attack. And I need your help."
"How — when is this going to happen? Who are the attackers?" Cara wets her lips, her eyes wide and fearful.
"I can't talk here. I will tell you everything... Can you meet me tomorrow outside the Erudite headquarters?"
"I can't. I'll be working on a project with my department. I can make it next day, though."
"All right. That day, then. Eleven thirty, night?" I ask. Cara nods her head. She looks ill. "Don't worry, we'll solve this," I add. "And Cara? Don't tell anyone about this conversation. Not even Will."
"O-okay."
We make our way back to Will.
"Is everything all right?" he asks, concerned. "You look pale, Cara."
"Everything is fine," I say smoothly. "We were just getting to know each other. Talking about my brother." I smile at Cara. "It was nice meeting you, Cara. See you later." With a meaningful nod, I leave the two of them.
I take my mother to meet Christina. Our mothers get along with each other well. Her sister skips around us, eagerly asking questions about Dauntless.
Once we are done, Mom holds my arm and pulls me away towards the dining hall. Her hold is gentle by appearance, but her grip is unshakable, vice-like. I bite my lip to not cry out in pain. We stop in front of a locked door. She peers at the base of a lamp. Checking for cameras.
"Mom —"
"Now, Beatrice," she says, her voice urgent. "Tell me how you have been really. The fights... what is your rank?"
There is no confusion about how she knows all this, this time; the unseen tattoos on her underarm offer all the answers, as does the journal kept in the Bureau. I bite my lip, thinking.
"I —" What will be my rank this time? I am sure I did better than the last time. I can't possibly be sixth any longer. "It should be somewhere along the middle."
She nods, looking troubled. "At least you are not on top. Even the middle ones are not too easily noticed." If only she knew that I have already attracted Eric's attention.
"Now, this is very important, Beatrice: What were your aptitude test results?"
Of course, this question was coming. This time I don't hesitate; I trust her implicitly. "They were inconclusive."
"I thought as much." She sighs. "Many children who are raised Abnegation receive that kind of result. We don't know why. But you have to be very careful during the next stage of initiation, Beatrice. Stay in the middle of the pack, no matter what you do. Don't draw attention to yourself. Do you understand?"
I nod, gulping. Not until my mother's warning did I fear too much about my Divergence. I was too busy thinking of the future, of changing things. "But Mom —"
She shakes her head, silencing me quickly by placing a finger on my lip. "There's something I want you to do," she says. There is something unnerving in her urgency, in the resolute set of her jaw. "I can't go visit your brother, but you can, when initiation is over. So I want you to go find him and tell him to research the simulation serum. Okay? Can you do that for me?"
"Mom, I don't —" Am I ready to visit Caleb yet? It was a challenge acting normal in front of him before Choosing, with all the thoughts of him upcoming betrayal in my mind. Why should I reward him with a visit, a visit from the family he renounced in all true sense? He doesn't deserve it.
"I don't have much time," she says. "Please do this for me, Beatrice. It's important. And... well, have a piece of cake for me, all right? The chocolate. It's delicious." She smiles a strange, twisted smile. A sad smile, I realize. Nostalgic. "I love you, you know." And she begins to walk away.
"Mom!" I call after her. She pauses, looking surprised. I want to give her a little gift. For all she has done. For all she would have done. For all she will do. I smile at her.
"Let's have that cake now. Together."
She laughs then, which makes her suddenly look no older than me, and lets me take her arm.
-o0o-
I return to the dormitory while the others are spending time with their families. Despite my pleading, Mom refused to stay the afternoon in Dauntless. But I am happy that I at least got to spent some good time with her, in the cafeteria over the delicious chocolate cake.
Al is sitting on his bed, staring at the wall.
"There you are!" I say. "Hurry up, let's go meet your parents. They were looking for you."
But he only shakes his head.
"Al..." I sigh. "Come on."
"No, Tris." His big brown eyes are sad. "I can't face them."
"Is this because of the fights? Because you know you have been losing them all by choice."
He still shakes his head. Part of me feels angry at him, for his mulishness. "I'll be cut," he says. "I'm sure of it. I can't meet them the day before, Tris. Telling them how I've been doing. They... they always wanted me to be in Dauntless. They have admired this faction forever."
"I'm sure they'll understand." He shows no sign of being motivated. Okay, different approach, then. "Oh, come on, Al!" I take hold of his hand and tug at it with all my strength. But he is like a brick wall; he doesn't budge. "You can at least introduce me to them!"
He doesn't react. I let go, disappointed. I was almost positive this method would work.
"What is wrong with you, Al?" I growl. "Why are you acting like this? You know you can win, you know you can easily be at least third if you try. But you won't! And then you feel ashamed of yourself. Do you... don't you want to win at all?"
He slumps against the bedpost, sighing. "I want to win, Tris," he says sadly. "I do. Just... not like this. Not by hurting others... hurting my friends. Maybe I am weak that I can't do this."
I let out a long breath, stepping away from him. There is nothing more I can do here.
How do you save someone who doesn't want to be saved?
-o0o-
I find myself in the Pit again, gazing at the families once more reunited. I have nothing to do.
No, there is something I can do. I can go visit Caleb. I had refused to see him last time, but I had ended up visiting him later, with rather unpleasant consequences. It would be better if I just go to him now. Not only will I be not be caught by the guards, interrogated by Jeanine and reported to Eric, maybe if I talk to Caleb earlier, I might be able to change his mind. I make up my mind, nodding to myself. Mum asked me to visit him after initiation, but given what is to come, there won't be any chance or use of it then. I'll go now instead. Yes, I'll listen to my mother. I'll keep her request.
I move towards the steps leading out of the headquarters, slowly making my way up.
"Going somewhere?"
My teeth sink hard into my lower lip in shock. That voice, it does so many things to me, all the time. I freeze, my heart rate doubled without any exertion. I turn around slowly, to find Tobias a few steps below me.
"I — to see my brother," I explain, stumbling over my words. "The Erudite have banned Abnegation visitors, so my mother can't go see him. She asked me to go on her behalf."
He nods. "I'll go with you."
My face flames up in a fiery blush. "You don't have to —"
"You were told that initiates are permitted to leave the headquarters only with a Dauntless, remember?" He looks at me sternly. No softness in the dark blue eyes. "So unless you want to be caught breaking the rules, it's not as if you have a choice."
Oh. I feel the temperature around me drop. Is that why? The only reason?
Of course that's why. What do you expect, after you ruined everything with him, and he isn't even talking to you?
Taking my silence for agreement, Tobias steps up, taking the lead. Our arms brush as he overtakes me. I try to suppress my shiver and follow.
The silence during our ascent is stony and uncomfortable. The tension is palpable. Finally, I can't go on anymore. I need to clear the air between us. Desperately.
"T—" Four. Not Tobias. But I don't like calling him Four; it is a symbol of all the secrets still standing between us. "Four! Wait a minute."
He stops and turns, his eyebrows raised imperiously. He looks impatient, and intimidating. "What is it?" His tone is strict and clipped.
"I — I need to talk to you for a second."
He looks a little puzzled, but retraces a few steps so he is closer to me. We stand on the pavement, our back to the Dauntless building.
"I—" I clear my throat. "I — um —" God, why am I so flustered? I can't get my thoughts straight.
Tobias' mouth is pressed in a line. "Yes?" he asks.
After all this time, I'd have thought that talking to him, of all people, would be easy, but it seems that I am grossly mistaken.
"I — I'm sorry," I manage to blurt out. His eyes widen.
"What?"
"I'm sorry for how I behaved with you on the day of knife-throwing. I shouldn't have shouted at you or blamed you. My behavior was inexcusable. You did nothing wrong. I... I was just frightened then and, I don't know, I lost my head. In fact, I — thank you. For standing up for me in front of Eric. Could you — um, forgive me, please?" I let out a long breath on getting it all out, and scan his face. What is he thinking?
"I didn't do much." He shakes his head. One corner of his lips lifts a little. "I could have done more, I guess. And it's okay, Tris." He smiles a full smile this time. "You're forgiven. I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have talked to you like that. You were incredibly brave."
"But stupid." I chuckle.
"Very," he adds sternly, nodding. "I hope you will remember that. You need to survive here first, Tris. Being right can wait."
"Aye, aye, captain!" I laugh. I won't argue today. I ask tentatively, "So, are we... okay?"
In a couple of long strides, he suddenly closes the distance between us. I find myself pressed against a wall. Tobias trails his lips lightly against my lips and my jaw, and then kisses my forehead, remaining like that for a long time. His fingers caress my face.
"What do you think?" he murmurs against my skin.
"I can only hope that this is your definition of okay." I smile.
"No." Resting his forehead against mine, he smiles a smile that melts my heart. "This is my definition of 'better than okay'."
-o0o-
"You seem very happy," Tobias comments, his lips twitching at the corners, as we wait for the train. I've been grinning from ear to ear all this time.
"Being forgiven is a good feeling," I reply.
"So it is," he agrees with a smile.
The train arrives. Tobias climbs in first. He extends his hand out to me. I take it more out of desire than need, letting him pull me in. We sit down facing each other as the train picks up speed. There is silence between us, but a comfortable silence. With a spark of desire coursing between us... or is it just me? Every now and then, one of us catches the other staring, and both look away, blushing. I feel like giggling. God, we seem like teenage sweethearts.
I shift my gaze from his face and look out at the passing scenery, and think of all those times we sat together in the trains, talking and kissing and holding on to each other. I almost forget all sense of time and place as I lose myself in the memories. I hope my blush isn't too noticeable.
"So, I've heard that you have been showing extraordinary proficiency in the initiation steps right from the beginning." Tobias' voice jerks me to the present.
"Who told you that?" I stare at him in wide-eyed surprise.
"Zeke," he says. "He has a younger brother who's among the initiates," he explains to my questioning gaze. "I believe you know him."
"Oh, Uriah." I can't help my fond smile; that boy is a brother to me in all but blood. Tobias nods, a slight frown marring his face momentarily. Wait, he is not jealous, right? Not of Uriah, of all people!
"He said you climbed into the train perfectly, unassisted, and landed on the roof on your feet too." I frown at my feet, slightly flustered. Uriah, that loudmouth! "Not to mention," he smiles a little, "you were first jumper. And you have been great in the training too."
His deep blue eyes probe me, and I fight the urge to squirm.
"Maybe I've had it hidden in me somewhere?" I try. "I didn't transfer from Abnegation for nothing, after all."
He tilts his head in semblance of a nod, his expression thoughtful. "I don't know why, but somehow it seems like you have already been here. Your behavior suggests it."
"Why on earth would that be, and more than that, how?" I pale. For the first time in my life, I curse Tobias' keen observation skills. "I'm sixteen. I'm an Abnegation transfer. How can I be familiar with the Dauntless? It's a ridiculous idea."
"I don't know, do I? That's why I am asking. I have been training initiates from last year, Tris. Trust me, if anyone notices, it's me. You seem to be as comfortable in the Dauntless surroundings as any Dauntless-born. Plus, what was all that extra information about Eric and the Erudite?"
Oh no, he doesn't forget anything, does he? I shake my head resolutely. It's hard not to show the nervousness I feel on my expression. "You're mistaken."
"You're definitely not cut out for Candor," he says with a wry smile. "You're lying, Tris."
I groan internally. I have fooled the world so many times; I have even fooled Tobias, and I am failing now?
"Well, you can stick to your theory, then," I say flatly. "I have nothing to add."
"Keeping secrets?" He shakes his head. "It'll lead you nowhere."
"You are one to speak!" I snap. I don't want to fight with him again, just after we mended things, but I am desperate. "I suppose you are offering your secrets on charity, then. Your vague answers to everything sure are the ultimate sources of enlightenment."
He pinches the bridge of his nose, frustrated. "Fine!" he growls. "Forget I asked."
I scowl to myself, glaring at the view outside the train. God, a mess up again. We only just made up, and we are fighting again. Are things ever going to be the same between us again, like they were the first time? Kissing and making up... does that give our relationship a meaning, or are we still hanging somewhere in between? I don't know which worries me more — this uncertainty, or the crushing weight of my secrets. It feels as if the first time around, things were so much smoother, easier. But I can't even go back to playing by the old rules; the events have branched out so much. The first time, I hadn't been comforted by him after a nightmare, nor had I been so forward to kiss him after the Ferris wheel incident. There is no backing out now to simplify things. There's no line of reference to look up to anymore. I am a stranger on this treacherous route once more.
"Hey," Tobias' voice breaks my train of thoughts once again, but this time, it is soft and quiet. I look up to find him looking at me with a half smile lifting his lips. He moves closer to me so that we are touching, and drags me around so that my back presses against his hard chest. I gasp in surprise, feeling sparks where his hands grab my waist. He runs his finger through my hair, brushing away the loose strands that have fallen out of the bun, and presses his lips to my neck, peppering me with kisses.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to argue," he murmurs against my skin. I prevent a contented sigh from escaping with difficulty as my head tilts on its own to give him better access.
"You — you are wrong if — if you think you can, oh, get any information out of me this way," I stutter. He pulls away, a mischievous light in his eyes.
"Can't I just kiss a beautiful girl?" he chuckles, making me turn red from neck up. And then he laughs. "Damn, you know me too well, Tris."
I grin. "Sure I do, Tob— I , er, Four," I cover up hurriedly, hoping to God that he didn't notice. Thankfully, before he can say anything, we find that we have reached the Erudite headquarters, and as the train slows down a little, Tobias and I get up.
Part of me is disappointed that his lips didn't get to work more of their magic, and part is relieved that this didn't turn into another interrogation.
"Any more questions, save them for later," I tell him firmly as we jump down, hand in hand.
"Yes, ma'am," he laughs, but his expression is thoughtful. "Your attitude doesn't give me too much hope, though."
We walk together in silence towards the Erudite headquarters. I feel the warmth of his grip comfort me, and my mind keeps playing back the feeling of his lips on my skin. We'll have time, I tell myself. Later.
But I can't stop myself from swinging back and kissing him quickly all of a sudden.
"What was that for?" he asks wonderingly, his hand lifting to touch the corner of his lips.
"For being here. With me," I smile shyly. He grins back, placing his arm round my shoulder.
"I should do more of good deeds, then," he smiles, his cheeks slightly pink. "Alright now, let's go." I nod.
It's impossible for me to describe how much I love this man. Sadly, I couldn't tell him even if I could form words for him.
Knowing the future may be a blessing. But it is a burden heavier than anything I have ever known.
