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Darry's P.O.V:
I can't believe it. I am such an idiot. I've messed it all up again. Just when things are going okay between us, I have to ruin it.
I'm always telling Ponyboy that he doesn't use his head, but neither do I; I just lash out.
I thought everything was fixed after what happened before, when I first saw Ponyboy at the hospital after the fire when he ran away. I thought he understood how much I cared about him. I thought it finally sunk in to him that I really do care about him. But then I blew it, so I can't blame him. It's like I'm sending him mixed signals.
I'd feel the same if I was him. I'm sure now he just thinks I hate him; all I do is holler at him, but never Sodapop. But that's only because I care about him so much. I don't want him to be messed up like me or Soda. At least one of us has to do really well in this family. We can't just be the messed up family. One of us has to graduate and go to college, and I know Ponyboy can do it. He's the smartest one out of all of us. That's why I holler at him all the time, because I want him to do well.
I want him to do good for himself, for the family. He can do it, I know he can. Me and Sodapop both believe in him. I know if he does then he will be proud of himself for once instead of doubting himself all the time. He is smarter than he thinks he is. He can do well in life; I'm just not sure if he believes it himself yet. He can finally achieve something in his life. He can have something to be proud of, to make him happy.
I just wish I didn't hit him. I feel so stupid and I regret it so much. I need to stop getting angry and learn to control myself. He just pushes me sometimes and what he said really did hurt me. It just stung that he thinks those things about me.
I just wish mom and dad were still here. And Johnny, too. I wish everything was as easy as it used to be. It's never been perfect. - I mean, it's always been greasers and socs, and that has always sucked. Always getting jumped and made out to be the bad guys. I hated it. I hated seeing my family and friends go through it. I just didn't see the point in it. There was no point in labels. – But apart from that, everything was always nice. We all got along. I wasn't the one with all the responsibilities. We'd go out as a family without arguing. I miss it.
It's hard for me now. I have too much responsibility and I can't handle it. I'm crumbling under the pressure and nobody even seems to notice it. It's like I'm screaming for help but nobody can hear me.
I feel so stupid for thinking like that because I'm supposed to be tough. I'm supposed to be able to handle it all at ease. I shouldn't be able to feel a thing because I should be strong enough to handle it all, but I'm not.
I'm just Darry. The one who is like a big brother, the one who is like Superman. But nobody sees me how I really am. I'm just still a kid, but I've been given all these adult responsibilities that I can't handle. I hate it, but I know I have to do it for my brothers. They are the most important things to me and I just want to do good for them. Of course I can't show how I really feel. That's why I just cover it up all of the time. That's why Ponyboy thinks I am so cold. That's why he doesn't realise how much I care about him. I care about him more than he will ever know, more than anybody will ever know. I can't tell people this though, because they will think I've gone all soft, and you just can't do that around here, not when you're supposed to be a tough greaser with a tough reputation.
That's why I hate being a "greaser" and having to live up to what people think I should be. Doing what they think I should do. Living up to their standards. It's just not how I want to be.
Sure, I miss having fun. I miss having a social life and having other friends outside of the gang. I miss having time to go out, instead of having to work two jobs. I miss seeing my girlfriend, Marie, that none of the gang even know I have. Now I'm arguing with Ponyboy I see her even less because I'm trying to fix things with him. I wish I could've gone to college and done well, but I knew it was better to do what I'm doing instead. I have to do it for my brothers. As much as I don't like it, I have to do it and I always will as long as I have to, because I love my brothers, even if they don't know it.
Things are kind of getting better between me and Pony. We've been arguing less, but we still argue at times. He just pushes me too far sometimes and makes me really angry and I just end up yelling at him, I just can't help it. But then seeing the pain in his eyes, seeing how upset he looks, it always makes me stop. He's my baby brother and I don't wanna be the one to make him look and feel like that.
I know we both hate arguing, so I don't know why we do it.
I've been trying to make things up to him in every way I can. The other day when me and Soda had some time off work, we even went to the movies with him. I think he was glad we went. He seemed to enjoy it. I just need to prove to him that I do care about him.
I need to earn Ponyboy's trust again, Sodapop's too.
Soda was disappointed with me for hitting Pony. It made him mad. So I need to make things up to him as well. I will do everything I can do get things to be how they used to be between us.
I need to start by introducing them to Marie. They're my brothers and they deserve to know what's going on in my life. Especially as she means so much to me. I mean, I think I love her. I really do.
