It's no use now to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!
"You," I choked, "are trying to do what?" I nearly screeched to a halt right in the middle of that road to show her exactly how good I thought she was.
"That's it." I pulled onto the shoulder and turned to face her.
"Good doesn't even begin to..." I began. "What are you talking about?" I stared in awe at the breathtaking creature in front of me, watching her perfectly formed lips for any sign of movement, some indication of what had transpired.
"Bella, did I..." I tried to find the answer on her face, but there was nothing. Stillness. "Should I not have..." I looked down toward my hand, still resting on the denim that covered her thigh.
I shook my head once.
"No. No. It's not you. I mean, it is you. But not in a bad way. No."
Why was I struggling here?
He just kept pulling me back in. I couldn't get a single thought straight and it was frustrating.
"I just want you to know that I really like you."
Bravo! Bella. Way to go.
Sigh.
I stared in awe, nearly gawking. The words echoed through my mind and I clung to them for as long as I could. By the time I remembered to breathe again, my mouth had pulled back into a crooked grin.
Damn traitor lips.
"I..." my eyes closed slowly, wanting to engrave this moment in my memory forever. "Bella?" I continued. "I really like you, too."
He really likes you too.
No. He likes what he thinks you are. What he assumes you are.
A smile slowly spread across my lips as he opened his eyes.
"So, Edward," God his name just felt so good. I wonder if he notices how often I use it. "I guess we can, uh, go? I mean, Superman can't be saving lives in dirty tights, right?" My smile grew into a light laugh.
I give up. At least for now. I just wanted him to keep talking.
Her laughter spread through the car like a melody and my heart sang.
"I assure you," I glanced toward the back, "no tights in there." Slipping the car into gear, I added, "Maybe a cape."
The roads were slick from the moisture in the air and I slowed my speed. Comfortably, I returned my hand to her thigh and offered a slight smile. Everything was changing and I wanted to both press pause to remember each moment, and fast forward to what lay ahead.
The trees passed in a blur out the window, the sky changing from grey to steel blue as the sun fell behind the fog. Eventide, Grams would say.
She relaxed in her seat and I soon saw her moving her foot in rhythm to the music. Her eyes closed and she leaned her head back. I couldn't help but notice her perfect lips held a hint of a smile.
"The signal is subtle we pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers we know by now to say enough
With only simple words with only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another"*
Closing my eyes made him feel closer.
Funny how cutting off one of your senses heightened the rest. Not that I needed any of my senses heightened more than they already were.
I listened quietly to the music. The sound of his breathing. His hand still on my leg, made me nervous, but I was past the point of caring anymore.
Game on.
I just prayed there were no losers. Especially Edward. I wanted him to win.
I shifted my head, opened my eyes and just enjoyed him for moment.
"It's really pretty out here."
Lame. Bella.
I nodded slowly, allowing my thumb to move slowly against her thigh. "Breathtaking," I agreed, stealing a glance at her out of the corner of my eye, the crooked grin permanently on my face.
"We're almost there." My heart skipped a beat. No one, no one, had seen Grams's house. Then again, no one had ever mattered like this.
"Look, Bella," I warned, "you should know something." How was I going to word this delicately? By the way, Bella, I inherited an enormous trust fund and own a multi million dollar estate on one of the most affluent areas of Seattle didn't seem to cut it.
"My Grandpa was an architect," I began. "He designed this house for Grams. I don't really remember him." My eyes drifted at the memory. "I remember his butterscotch candy, tucked in the pocket of his sweater." Nervously, I looked to her face. "You know, the kind with the yellow wrappers?"
"Anyway, the house is kind of old fashioned outside. At one point, it was inside as well. But, once I moved in, Grams tried to update things here and there. I guess Grandpa had cool taste, for his day," I shrugged lightly.
"Very mid-century modern. I'm just glad the orange carpet is gone," I grinned.
There was a lot he wasn't saying. I wasn't about to push him. We all have our secrets. Our own fears and hopes.
And since I was carrying around a rather large secret, it was none of my business to push him. He would tell me what he wanted me to know. When he was ready.
"Orange carpet, huh?" I smiled. "Charlie, at one point, had pea green carpet."
I glanced out the window as he slowed down.
"Thank you for hanging out with me today. It's nice to be out of the house. Away."
Alone with you.
Which brought me back to an issue, I wondered if anyone would miss him.
"My pleasure," I smiled sincerely.
I wanted to know everything about her. I wanted to be able to write her autobiography with the vast amount of knowledge I had.
How was it that a teenage girl came to live alone with her father in Forks, Washington? Where was her mother? But, I wasn't about to quid pro quo my way into an awkward conversation.
The sympathetic looks.
The sad eyes.
I couldn't take it. Everyone loses someone in their life. Death is as much a part of life as living. We all do it. Why does it have to be such a big deal?
Because it is a big deal.
We crossed the bridge onto Mercer Island, making our way toward... my... house. Darkness was taking over the sky and the lights that bordered the single, paved road illuminated the way. The groundskeeper made sure the house was well-lit, that's for sure. Every light was on in the house and the windows open. I suppose that's wise, if you're monitoring the property from across the lake But, for tonight, I was hoping for quite a bit more privacy.
Laundry. You're doing laundry.
You're doing Bella.
LAUNDRY!
My brows raised in anticipation, "Here we are." I pulled into the garage and closed the door.
To say I was surprised, would be an understatement.
This house was huuuuuge. And gorgeous. I mean, from what I saw as he pulled up and into the garage.
I unclipped my seat belt and opened the door. The wave of fresh air that hit me felt foreign after being in a car with Edward for so long. I missed his closeness and I had only stepped from the car.
"Wow. It's... big." And soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them.
You have no idea.
I hoped that wouldn't be the last time those words came out of her mouth. Still internally chuckling, I replied, "Yeah, I tried to warn you."
Smiling over my shoulder, I slid my key into the lock and entered the alarm code in the keypad just inside the door.
"After you," I gallantly waved my hand into the entryway. "Go in, make yourself at home, I'm just going to grab the clothes from the trunk."
I watched her walk into the house and resisted pinching myself to be sure I wasn't hallucinating.
Bella. In my house.
Make yourself at home. In fact, stay here forever and don't ever leave.
I popped the trunk and pulled the bags out. It was too much for one person to carry, but there was no way I was going to ask her for help. I could handle this.
Barely.
Don't drop it. You'll look like you were trying to show off!
I AM trying to show off.
I stacked another bag on the pile and was grateful to see that the door was still ajar, backing through the door with my hands full. She was in the house, but just barely, looking around the living room when she saw me. I dropped the bags just outside the laundry room door and went to join her.
"What? No key under the mat?"
I stepped inside the house and took a deep breath, clean, it smelled like someone had been here recently. I turned around just as Edward dropped the laundry.
"Does someone else live here? I mean, when you aren't around?"
I was worried that maybe someone had been here that shouldn't have. I listened intently, nope, no one was here now. Other than us. Alone.
Oh God, he was watching me, he was walking toward me. I started walking backwards.
"Nervous?" I mused.
She suddenly looked a tad uncomfortable. "What's the correct answer here? Would you rather someone else be around? I can make a call, if you want." I pulled my blackberry out of my pocket to taunt her.
"No," I assured her, "no key under the mat. The only other person who even has a key is Jasper and he's like, eighty five. I don't know how he does it."
I surveyed the state of the house, pristine as always. A remote was sitting on the kitchen counter. I pressed a button, igniting the fireplace behind us. "Are you sure you aren't cold?"
I stared at the fire and then looked back at him.
"I'm really fine. Thanks." I started taking in my surroundings. High angled ceilings with sky lights. It was a very open home. So many windows. Floor to ceiling. I could see the water and trees. The sky was nearly dark.
"I don't see why the orange carpet was pulled up. I think it would go very well." I winked and walked slowly around the end of the counter, across the room to look out one of the many windows.
"Great view. I can see why you would choose this place to do your laundry." I smiled over my shoulder.
The view was perfect from where I was standing and it had nothing to do with the water.
"Want me to show you around?" I glanced toward the stairs and started pressing buttons on the remote to lower window shades around the house.
"This place is like a fishbowl at night," I explained. "Not many people pass by, but I still feel better having it closed up." I turned off the high beams in every room so that just the low lamps in the living room were on. "That's better," I declared with a smirk.
I took a deep breath as I walked back to him.
"Lead the way, Superman." We both smiled and I followed him up the stairs.
Careful, Bella, wouldn't want to crack one these.
I laughed quietly at my little joke as we entered a hall.
Even though I should have been paying more attention to the house, the only thing I could seem to focus on was him. The way his legs moved. His back, his arms. The mess of hair. He was perfect. Stunningly so.
She politely nodded and smiled, laughed at my jokes, and pretended to be interested in the nuances of the house.
I was certain she noticed the pictures of my family on the wall, my mom and dad in the classic Olan Mills pose; my profile superimposed like a disembodied head floating over six year old me with a toothless grin. But, she didn't ask questions. And I didn't offer.
At the end of the hall upstairs, I stopped and turned to face her. "So, yeah, that's it," I shrugged, blocking access to my old door.
I raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"
The pictures of him as a kid were pretty cute. No teeth. Kinda creepy though with the weird profile hanging suspended in the same shot. Maybe some day, he would see pictures of little me.
Stop.
He looked a lot like his dad. I smiled at the thought.
I was searching his eyes, willing him to open the door. Afraid to ask.
Lowering my head in mock defeat, I swung the door open, halfway expecting to see dirty clothes littering the floor and empty Starbucks cups on every surface.
Pristine.
Jasper.
I looked around the room.
The massive bed was perfectly made, all the unnecessary pillows placed carefully at the top. The leather couch I insisted I needed at fourteen was against the wall, adjacent to the built-in entertainment unit. I was relieved she couldn't see the enormous collection of electronics inside that wall.
Shrugging, I offered, "My room." I leaned against the dresser by the bed. "Go on," I encouraged. "Delve into the absurdity."
She walked almost silently, her movements fluid and precise. My eyes lingered on the picture of my mom and dad, in a frame on my dresser. When I looked up, she was watching. She'd seen.
Just tell her.
"Car accident," I briefly explained. "They've been gone a long time."
I chewed at my lip. Nodding.
"My mom too." I walked past his bed, dragging my fingertips across the comforter.
He's so broken. He's alone. Oh my god. He's alone.
My eyes moved quickly around the room, landing on an old acoustic guitar set back in a corner on a stand.
"Do you spent a lot of time here?" I turned to look at him as I spoke.
"Yeah?" I was probably a little too happy to hear that her mother's life had ended prematurely. But, it was rare to cross paths with someone who understood. Even more rare to cross paths with someone unbearably gorgeous who was standing in my room and understood.
"I don't come here as often as I should, I guess." That was true. I should come more often. "Since Grams died, it's just kind of big and empty."
Like my life.
"Go ahead," I motioned toward the guitar. "I'm just going to run downstairs for a minute and get the laundry going. Are you okay up here alone?"
"Oh, I think I can handle myself for a few minutes."
I watched him walk out of the room, listened to his steps, he was moving quickly. It made me smile.
Really, Bella, what are you doing? Playing house with the human? Not a good idea.
I shoved my thoughts aside.
I had my shoes off and was sitting in the middle of his bed, legs crossed, with the guitar in a flash.
I strummed without thought. Slowly moving into song.
G A Bm and back to G
I sang softly.
What if it makes you sad at me
And what if it makes you laugh now but you cry as you fall asleep
And what if it takes your breath and you can't hardly breathe
And what if it makes the last sound be the very best sound
D A Bm G
What if what I want makes you sad at me
And is it all my fault or can I fix it please
Cause you know that I'm always all for you
Cause you know that I'm always all for you
I looked up as I was singing, knowing he would be there.
What if it makes you lose faith in me, what if it makes you question
every moment you cannot see
And what if it makes you crash and you can't find the key
What if it makes you ask how you could let it all go
I held his gaze as I continued through the words. Willing him to understand. Hoping that I was planting a little seed.
G A Bm A
And if this be our last conversation
If this be the last time that we speak for a while
Don't lose hope and don't let go
Cause you should know
If it makes you sad
If it makes you sad at me
Then it's all my fault and let me fix it please**
I finished slowly. Hoping.
*Dashboard Confessional, The Secret's In The Telling
**Safetysuit, What If
